I'm a 14 year old boy and I'm starting to think that I'm an "Aromantic Asexual"

[NJS8]

Well, I know I'm young but I've never had a crush in my life. I don't feel the need to get into a relationship ever. All my friends think there's something wrong with me, they all call me gay even though I'm not. I don't like men or women?! I think about sex sometimes... But I don't really feel sexually attracted to people. I feel so alone and isolated, nobody believes me and it's just been kind of hard. People don't understand me, I tried talking to my mom but she didn't believe me. I guess I'm just going to wind being alone forever. "Could" I just be a late bloomer? And if I am an Aromantic Asexual, how exactly do I deal with this?

[stonehengegirl]

Dear Confused.

Welcome to AVEN. It's okay to feel confused. That's normal. You're in a great place to find out about asexuality and the spectrum. You could be a late bloomer or you could be asexual. It's hard to say, but even if you are asexual you don't have to be alone. That's the great thing about growing up. You find out what works for you and it doesn't have to be anything like what your friends have or say they have.

[Archon]

You are the only one who can say if you're aro ace or not. But it really sounds to me like you are aro ace since you don't experience sexual attraction. That may change later, although it most likely won't. It's not always the case, but sexual orientation is usually set by your age.

I'm sorry that nobody believes you. That's really unfair, since they would probably believe you if you said you were straight or gay. You did a great thing by coming onto AVEN. This is a very supportive community and the friendly people here have been great for helping me get through rough times when my friends didn't understand. I would recommend spending as much time as you can in this supportive community. I've found it really helpful.

Welcome to AVEN

[Psyrhys]

I doubt you're just a 'late bloomer'. On average, people experience sexual attraction at the age of 10 (give or take about two years). It's possible that your sexuality may change at some point, which does happen to some people, but that doesn't mean you're not asexual now.

You're not 'too young' to figure out who you are, and the only person who gets a say in your identity is you. If you feel that you're aromantic and asexual, then you are. No one else can tell you how you feel. The people calling you 'gay' only do so because they're not smart enough to realize that there are more categories than just 'straight' and 'gay' - and that's their failing, not yours.

And being aro and ace doesn't mean you'll always be alone. If you don't want a romantic relationship, that's fine. Friends are enough for some people. But being ace/aro doesn't prevent you from having that kind of relationship if you want it. I considered myself aro/ace when I started dating someone (which actually led to me realizing I'm probably demiromantic). You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, though, no matter what anyone else says.

I'm sorry you have dumb people around you, but hopefully you find good people to make up for it. ^_^

[USathane]

"Could" I just be a late bloomer? And if I am an Aromantic Asexual, how exactly do I deal with this?

You could, yes. As Psyrhys points out, though, most people would know by your age though. Even so, you 'could' still be a late bloomer and sexuality and romanticism may be fluid, for reasons and causes that are far beyond my knowledge.

If you don't mind, could you tell me what exactly you're struggling with in the second question? The statement 'I guess I'm just going to wind being alone forever' makes it sound like you actually do want a romantic relationship, but don't think you'll be able to get one. If that's the case, you're not aromantic, you belong to another romantic category (heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, etc.). All it would mean then is that you, like a lot of people, just want to have a romantic relationship without sex and don't think it's too likely.

But other statements like 'I don't feel the need to get into a relationship ever' and 'people don't understand me' make me think you mean something else. If you mean that you'll be 'alone' in the sense that nobody will understand you, you're extremely likely to find friends in person that will be supportive, even if you haven't found them yet. In addition to that, you're right in the centre of an extremely supportive group of people. You're also on the Internet, which is one hell of a tool for the actual networking part of 'social networking' that people seem to forget about. Use this tool to find all sorts of friends that will surround you with the support that you're not finding in the places that you should.

[Star Bit]

Heh, super late bloomer then; my first (and currently only) crush was when i was 18. But you don't have to be alone; many aromantics are satisfied with friends, close friends, or a queerplatonic relationship. I began to notice my asexuality in junior high; as did many other asexuals. Many asexuals were also told they were gay or had rumors that they were because of their lack in interest.

Queerplatonic relationship (QPR): a platonic relationship that has characteristics of a romantic/sexual relationship. It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm, displaying platonic sensual attraction (only differing from romantic sensual attrcation with chaste kissing), friends with sexual benefits, romantically pleasing someone you platonically love (QP to one and romantic to the other), or any combination of those. They may or may not have monogamy, live together, or look like a couple to the public. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs.

[Frigid Pink]

I was a "late bloomer" in the romance department, although I still think I may be more "demi-romantic" or "grey-romantic."

As far as asexuality goes, I knew that I was different in the sexuality department early on (middle school), however, I didn't know there was a label for the way I felt or that there were others like me.

Also, I don't consider myself "single" or "alone" as long as I have friends. :)

[coyote55]

Hey there. Welcome to AVEN!

You'll find a lot of support from people here who have gone through the kinds of confusion and mistreatment you've experienced at the hands of others.

I could have written your post when I was 14. I remember well the feeling that something was wrong with me, and the teasing, bullying, and isolation. Some kids thought it was fun to try to 'educate' me about sex and girlfriends, and laugh at my confused replies. Luckily I had some good friends who stood by me, and that helped a lot. I hope you have some good friends too. If not, lots of people here will listen sympathetically - because a lot of us have been through that.

[GoldenaLy]

Your post reminds me a lot of how I felt when I was your age. In middle school, I hadn't expressed any real interest in guys (beyond made up crushes) or gone on dates, and I was also called gay (this was in the 90's, back when the world was a little more homophobic). When I did finally tell people what I was in my early 20's, nobody had ever really heard of it and nobody really believed it. The thing that kind of helps people to believe us is time. People in my life are starting to realize I'm really not going to get married.

However - it doesn't mean you have to be alone! You can surround yourself with friends. You can still have a family one day if you want to (i.e., through adoption). Some people have queer-platonic relationships - like really strong friendships without a romantic element.

If you do end up identifying as aromantic, it's a totally okay thing to be. Try to educate your parents a little bit on what it is. In the end, if they are supportive of you without necessarily understanding what it means to be aromantic, I think that still counts for a lot.

Side note: I would actually argue that the fear of being alone does not necessarily mean that aromantics are romantic after all. While we're growing up, we're led to believe that marriage is the endgoal: it's something that's going to happen for us. I thought I'd get married someday too when I was younger, and around 14, 15, 16, I started questioning if this was really what I wanted, and if I really liked guys after all - or if I liked girls. Eventually, I realized that I didn't like girls or guys, and dating would make me feel both uncomfortable and dishonest for misleading people.

[*a*rteest]

You sort of sound similar to me, Confused. Around 14 I "should have been" dating already and at least curious about sex. I simply wasn't. I was herded quickly from high school to college and at college I didn't have much time to breathe or even think about dating at all, though it was so SO much better than high school.

I went to a large public university. I really enjoyed it and I think your life will improve if you do the same. So many people's lives totally, compeltely revolve around the opposite sex in high school because they're young people beginning to come to terms with their own independence. And it's a place where you can be "voted off the island" for simply not wearing the right kind of shoes in a lot of places, which makes it a complete nightmare of those with nontraditional orientations that may not even have the words to describe themselves yet.

I am 39 and am still coming to terms with this orientation. I "should be" interested in dating and sexual relations BY NOW and I'm still not. I can't explain my disinterest in the whole silly game anymore because I'm not an ostracized band weirdo like I was in high school. I can't blame it on being "too busy" like I was at college. I can't blame it on "being focused on my career" like when I got out of college because I've been in retail now for 20 years and I am STILL not interested in sex or dating. i can't blame it on my parents HORRIBLE relationship because there are many people who deal with parents having an equally horrible relationship that still GET themselves OUT THERE, date, and everything that comes with it.

I am also on one hand a strong aromantic and a strong romantic. I don't mind sweet little PDAs (public displays of affection) like 2 elderly people holding hands...that's cute. However I am absolutely disgusted by poeple all over each other. At the same time I do feel strong romantic attraction to SOME men, very very FEW men, and I WANT them to notice me and think I'm cute and pay attention to me. I look much younger than I am, and it's much easier for me to get that sort of attention even now than it was at 16....so if I do succeed....then what am I supposed to do with it?? I'd have no idea.

It's hard reconciling it all, so i understand the draw of having someone there for you and not having that....and pushing it all away with the other hand.

We are complex people.

I am sorry and i don't mean to dump on you, but keep hanging out here at AVEN to continue discovering yourself...I do too! And we can all do this together. You sound like a VERY smart young man because you already sense there is something about yourself that may not be "traditional" and that's OK. It's VERY GOOD for you to be so introspective at such a young age rather than simply doing "what everyone else does" for no other reason than "everyone else is doing it". Believe me, that's caused a lot of grief and trauma and sadness, a lot more than being self-aware and knowing what you want.

[Hellcat67]

Hey!

First, i never believe in telling someone that their opinion is invalid because theyre a certain age, you feel how you feel.

Honestly, I'm not sure, you may fall on the ace-spectrum, or you could be a late bloomer, but a great friend of mine told me to use whatever label you want and that nothing is set in stone, so if you feel like identifying as ace for now, then go ahead, you might wake up and develop a crush, or you might not, but it's your choice. Do what makes you happy :) good luck

[Hobbes!]

For the benefit of anyone else who might be feeling like this, you don't have to be a certain age to identify as asexual - just don't nail your colours to the mast too firmly! If it works for you now, that's great. If it keeps working for you, so much the better. Just don't get so invested in the identity that you find yourself tied up in knots if you find yourself experiencing sexual or romantic attraction later on. Notice I say if not when

[..M..]

it's sad that your friends are being unkind. You'll find plenty of people who do believe you and will listen on AVEN.

Have you tried showing your friends or your mum any info on aven, like the FAQ (maybe you don't want to go into it with all your friends en mass, but perhaps if you have one or 2 close friends who might be prepared to sit down and read some stuff). Might help if they knew it wasn't just you, that asexuality is an actual thing.

You are still at the age it *could* change... but it may not or it may not change by much ...

e.g. my own experience was pretty similar to yours at the same age.....a lot of my friends were dating or at least talking about which guys/girls they found hot and i just.did.not.get.it.

more than 10 years on and I have had a couple of crushes on guys,,, but literally only a couple, which is pretty...unusual... I think and the first not till I was 18... So between 14 and 18...things changed for me, but not by much.

As others have said though,,,,, even if you are Aro and asexual all your life it does not mean you will have to be alone. There are close friendships to be had and other types of relationships.

And not being in a relationship does not mean that you will be alone, or lonely. I am in my late 20s and have never been in a relationship. Am I lonely...? on occasion (I think most people are from time to time, its a part of life).. but mostly no - I have close friends most of whom I have met through groups based around common interests. It seems better to me to be single and enjoy the independence that comes with that, and make an effort with other friendships instead, than to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship.

I see so many people going from one relationship to another and hating being single in between and just wanting to find someone to be with... I dont think that's a healthy way to be, and often people then end up in a relationship for the wrong reasons, with the wrong person

I went to a large public university. I really enjoyed it and I think your life will improve if you do the same. So many people's lives totally, compeltely revolve around the opposite sex in high school because they're young people beginning to come to terms with their own independence. And it's a place where you can be "voted off the island" for simply not wearing the right kind of shoes in a lot of places, which makes it a complete nightmare of those with nontraditional orientations that may not even have the words to describe themselves yet.

^^^^THIS

high school can be a pretty bad place to be 'different' in any way...but you wont be there forever. Also teenagers tend to be kind of obsessed with sex/dating etc... It might seem far off now but as you get older your peers will (hopefully) mature and stop making such a big deal of it.

[kiaroskuro]

I doubt you're just a 'late bloomer'. On average, people experience sexual attraction at the age of 10 (give or take about two years). It's possible that your sexuality may change at some point, which does happen to some people, but that doesn't mean you're not asexual now.

I never thought the term 'late bloomer' applied to people around the age of 14, let alone 10

[Frigid Pink]

I doubt you're just a 'late bloomer'. On average, people experience sexual attraction at the age of 10 (give or take about two years). It's possible that your sexuality may change at some point, which does happen to some people, but that doesn't mean you're not asexual now.

I never thought the term 'late bloomer' applied to people around the age of 14, let alone 10

I think "late bloomer" might apply more to someone in their late teens or early twenties, however, I'd like to know where Psyrhys got that statistic from.

[Elluna Hellen]

Could be that you're just a late bloomer. Could also be that you are not. As for how you would deal with being aromantic asexual... Ummm... You just... Live? I don't really get it. You can still have close friends and even have a life partner who is willing to have a non romantic/non sexual relationship. You do not have to be forever alone. :) I'm 24 and aro/ace and perfectly okay with being alone for now.

[Ghiili]

Hey darling **sending hugss and :cake: **

Welcome to the this lovely comunity and feels home to tell us everything, If we can help we'll, if not we'll be here to support you. Looks like me writting this kind of things in my dairy as the same age... I'm 17 now I've never kissed someone, I've never had a date and I'm virgin. Every single time I tell this to everyone they laugh at my face (creepy sad, but the truth...). I hope the entire world grow up and see that have some people who don't want have sexual experiences. And the big problem: we're labeled as liars. 'cause for this dirty-sexual-sad-world that's no conditions that a man, in this age or in every age in his live, don't be able to have or feel sexual attraction, since this is the most "normal" thing in the wolrd. Normal is a shit.... I came out to my sister and she say : "I know you're gay, don't be shame I'll still love you." This is the hardest part, since asexuality as a sexual orientation is a "new issue" (but everyone here knows there was many asexuals through the history that they don't called themelves as asexual 'cause, i belive, it wasn't a definition or they don't had a right word), but this not exclude the fact we have our rights to ask for. Ok, this is becoming a long text... I just have one thing to say: love yourself, no matter how the people will deal with you. Make everything you can, the time pass so quickly that sometimes we didn't notice... Don't blame yourself, If you feel you are a asexual or aromantic person just do it, accept this label, and carry it with pride. If no one believes you make sure God will...(even if you don't believe in God) ... and you don't came for this world to be a lovely person for anyone.... make things you will not regret in the future.. and be happy..and if happen you feel crush for someone and you feel it right go after this crush and live, we don't have much time to spend with doubts, regrets and trying please the others... be yourself.. ;) Almost all of us here have passed by the things you are...keep it on mind, you're not alone ;)

-Ghiili