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question about/related to demisexuality


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Okay, so in previous threads I came to the conclusion that I'm not asexual, just a sexual who experiences less sexual attraction than most.

But still, I came to this site asking about demisexuality. I was told that I couldn't really determine that until I got into a relationship and experienced it. Makes sense.

Still, even with that and having decided I'm definitely sexual, I can't help but feel that in some way demi may still apply to me.

I'm attracted to a physical gender, so again I feel that that makes me decidedly sexual. On the other hand, I do not get sexually attracted to individuals at all that I've ever noticed or been able to determine. The closest I've come to that is fictional characters, and it's not so much that I want to have sex with them as I just imagine them doing sexual things and use that to fantasize and masturbate. (I have to form an attachment to the character and/or ship them with another character to do this. But I would not say that I'm sexually attracted to the character himself. The only "looks based" attraction I've experienced towards fictional characters is aesthetic.)

So, my question is, is demisexuality strictly limited to living as an asexual until you form an emotional attachment? Or can it include having a sexual gender preference, but not otherwise directing your drive at anyone in particular?

OR, could the term possibly demi-heterosexual apply to my case?

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Null_and_Void
Or can it include having a sexual gender preference, but not otherwise directing your drive at anyone in particular?

OR, could the term possibly demi-heterosexual apply to my case?

Yes and yes, as it's kinda the same for me (no sexual preference, but for some reason I'm only ever romantically attracted to females, but given that I'm demi, the obscurely vague "gender directed" attraction for males has never been directed at a person. xD).

As I always say, though, labels just help us convey a meaning easier. In reality, you are what you are, and you don't have to fit a label.

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From what I understand, demisexual would require another prefix to fully articulate (such as hetero-, homo-, bi-, pan-, etc) because demi- is meant to explain that you don't develop sexual attraction towards any individual unless you have strong emotional bonds. Once there is that emotional bond, sexual attraction can develop, as opposed to allosexuals, who can develop sexual attraction without any kind of emotional bond. But just like allosexuals, who use hetero-, homo-, bi-, pan, etc. to define who they can feel sexual attraction for, demisexuals would probably specify that too, otherwise one might assume that a demisexual would develop sexual attraction for everyone that they develop a close emotional bond with, and that is not necessarily true.

That's my understanding anyways, hope it helped! ^_^

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From what I understand, demisexual would require another prefix to fully articulate (such as hetero-, homo-, bi-, pan-, etc) because demi- is meant to explain that you don't develop sexual attraction towards any individual unless you have strong emotional bonds. Once there is that emotional bond, sexual attraction can develop, as opposed to allosexuals, who can develop sexual attraction without any kind of emotional bond. But just like allosexuals, who use hetero-, homo-, bi-, pan, etc. to define who they can feel sexual attraction for, demisexuals would probably specify that too, otherwise one might assume that a demisexual would develop sexual attraction for everyone that they develop a close emotional bond with, and that is not necessarily true.

That's my understanding anyways, hope it helped! ^_^

Would that make demisexuality sort of an overlap between sexual and asexual, then? Because I understand it's considered to be in the gray asexual spectrum.

I'm just wondering, because I don't consider myself either asexual or gray asexual. (Though I once considered the possibility to the point of tentatively taking on the label very briefly.) I am definitely sexually attracted to cis males. But despite this do not feel sexual attraction toward any specific individuals, male or female.

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Yeah, an overlap is one way to look at it. Asexuality is a spectrum, and I guess you could consider grey-a as an area in the asexual spectrum, but closer to the sexual side, with demisexual being a specific type of grey-a.

If you were to see a good-looking guy in a crowd, would you appreciate his looks? If so, then that could be aesthetic attraction, an not necessarily sexual, and anyone could feel it (regardless of orientation). But if you saw that guy and wanted to have sex with him based on his looks, then that would be sexual attraction, and not characteristic of asexuals or demisexuals. I'm not sure if demisexuals know they would have sex with a guy, but would not actually be sexually attracted to a guy unless the emotional bond was there, or if they would feel completely asexual until the emotional bond was there, and then feel sexual attraction and know they would have sex with him. It probably varies on an individual level, but the defining factor is not feeling sexual attraction to any person unless they establish an emotional bond first.

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I definitely feel aesthetic attraction towards specific guys I happen to see, but any sexual attraction has been limited to my imagination and has never involved specific individuals. Rather just body parts...male ones. =P

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Well, it sure sounds like you could be demisexual, or grey-a if you prefer. Imagining/fantasizing things is something that people of all orientations can do, and isn't necessarily sexual attraction. Up to you of course :P you identify however makes you feel most comfortable! (I identify as ace and definitely feel aesthetic attraction, but would never want to have sex with anyone, no matter how good they look)

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Well what's confusing me is that I am sexually attracted to very specific and limited parts of male anatomy--namely, those that are inherently sexual in nature. That seems to be the extent of my attraction, though. And it's never been directed at individuals, that I can tell, just the thought/mental image in general.

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Well what's confusing me is that I am sexually attracted to very specific and limited parts of male anatomy--namely, those that are inherently sexual in nature. That seems to be the extent of my attraction, though. And it's never been directed at individuals, that I can tell, just the thought/mental image in general.

If your confusion is in the fact that you have have sexual ideas and thoughts towards fantasy and nobody 'real' i wouldn't classify that as demisexual, but that is just me. In my opinion that sounds normally sexual.

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Hmm... but the fact that it isn't ever directed towards an actual person, just male anatomy in general... to me, that doesn't sound allosexual, because (from what I understand from talking to friends) they do normally feel attraction directed at people. Not necessarily act on it of course, but it is normal for it to be directed at people. Your situation kinda sounds grey-a/ demi. (btw, I'm really not trying to push you towards a label, just reassure you that it would be perfectly acceptable to use that label if you like. Please tell me if I'm seeming pushy or anything, cuz I'm not trying to be! :ph34r:)

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I had taken on the gray-a label briefly, but dropped it upon hearing asexuality described as a lack of attraction toward any gender. And that makes sense when you think about it, the other orientations are focused on gender(s).

So, I was just wondering if, even though demisexuality is on the asexual spectrum, if the situation of having a sexual gender preference, but not getting attracted to individuals until you form a bond might fit as a type of demisexual?

Or is demisexual supposed to be limited to sexual attraction of any sort not making itself known until you form a bond?

I'm just asking for clarity purposes. I can't really say that I'm demi for certain either way since I've never been in a relationship period, much less one where I was sexually attracted to my partner.

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I think that knowing you have a gender preference but not feeling attraction to individuals would probably fit the definition of demi because there is no specific sexual attraction at first. (I think :) ) good luck figuring yourself out! :D

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Asked this on tumblr, too, (on a side account), and the answer I got there explained demi as an extension of sexuality rather than existing all on it's own. Interesting.

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It's still really confusing.

But I've never been sexually attracted to anyone in particular that I can tell. Even the guy I had a crush on a couple years ago, it was all aesthetic attraction (his face and hair), and I desired a romantic relationship with him...never a sexual one, though. (Although, sex would not have been out of the question....just an eventual, far away, maybe sorta thing. Definitely not my goal in crushing on the guy.)

Every time I've "liked" a guy (and I haven't had any legit crushes aside from that one guy), it's been aesthetically and focused on getting to know him.

I find it hard for me to label myself as anything on the ace spectrum because aside from apparently not experiencing sexual attraction I have a lot in common with sexuals still. But there has always been a bit of a disconnect when it comes to finding specific guys desirable. (Ie, Someone else: "Mmm, he's sexy." Me: "I....guess? He'd look nicer with a shirt on, though.")

I think if I am on the ace spectrum, it'd be very dark...probably right next to the sexual spectrum.

I can't say for sure I'm demi since I've never been in a relationship, but I suspect that's the case.

If not, then I suppose I'm a cupiosexual--which, correct me if I'm wrong, means I desire a sexual relationship, but I don't desire it with anyone in particular.

Anyways...it's all still really confusing, and I keep asking myself "do I really not experience sexual attraction? Maybe I do..." But it doesn't seem like I do...

But, if I ever decide otherwise in the future, I guess it's not a big deal. I'll just drop the label.

You guys are really helpful, thank you. I just wish this wasn't so confusing. One minute I'm like "okay, I've got it", and the next I'm like "Are you sure? Check, double check, triple check, quadruple check...."

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