A warm hello to all

[Aditya94]

Hi, my name is Aditya. I am a 21-year-old boy (I like thinking of myself as a boy not a man) from Calcutta, India.

I have never had a relationship in my life, largely because of a lack of exposure to girls from a young age. Most of my friends in my locality were boys and I went to a boys' school as well. Plus, I have been brought up in a mostly conservative environment, by global standards. By Indian standards, my family's probably quite liberal.

I'm still a bit confused as to my actual sexual orientation. I'm mostly attracted to girls, but the idea of physical and sexual intimacy seems repulsive to me. The first time I thought of this at length was a couple of years ago when I was reading a book called 'The Seven Minutes' by Irving Wallace. It's a fictional account of a pornographic book, on reading which a boy is apparently driven to rape and murder a girl, and the book's publisher is put on the stand.

In the book (the one I was reading, not the book within the book) there are some graphical descriptions of the accounts of the fictional book (the book within the book) as well as some graphical descriptions of the protagonist (the defence attorney for the book's publisher) having sex with a woman. The moment I visualised that, I felt nauseous and had an urge to shut the book immediately.

The fact is, I'm erotophobic. Whether that classifies me as an asexual person or not, I do not know. A part of my erotophobia might come from the fact that I live in a society which, despite all its improvements in terms of the middle class, still betrays a sense of patriarchy. I don't like it when I see a man staring at a woman, and I make it a point not to do that, sometimes taking it to the extreme level of not even stealing a glance.

Now, I do have the urge of looking, I won't deny. Especially if the woman is attractive by common standards (a very dicey term, I know). But the fact is the only two things that appeal to me are the face and general physique (as in fat, normal or thin). The size of breasts, the curves, etc. are not things which are alluring to me at all. Makeup and cosmetic add-ons are things I hate as well, it exudes artificiality.

I have not shared all this with too many people, except for the odd mention of the fact that I'll never marry (my mother takes it as a joke). The only person with whom I've shared this with is my brother, who is also my best friend. Unfortunately, it seems he can't sympathise with me regarding this. He tells me it's self-imposed, that I need to ask someone out. He's even said to me, "I could understand if you'd said you were gay, but this..."

Perhaps this shows how marginalised and ignored asexual people are. My brother takes it for a sense of strict self-imposed puritanism. I'm not overly shy, but neither am I an extrovert. I'm not great at starting conversations, but I have a lot of friends in college and even some on the internet. I might be able to ask someone out, but only if I had a gun pointed at my head. I'm just not comfortable with it, and the idea of me having sex with someone...it's a disturbing picture.

I like the idea of staying alone for the rest of my life, but sometimes (rarely) I do feel the desire to be with someone, just to be with them. There's nothing wholesomely sexual as such. Anyway, on most occasions it's just a passing thought.

So there you have it. I'm confused..am I really asexual? Do I belong here? I was thrilled on learning about this site, as I didn't know it was something other people had faced too and had been upfront about it.

I'm really sorry for the rather sombre note in what is my first post here,but I had this pressing issue and I'm kind of glad I've managed to put it into words, which I hope have made sense.

Last, but not the least, a very warm hello to you all. I'm really impressed with this site and I hope you keep the good work going for many years to come. :)

[PhoenixKiran]

Hello Aditya!

It was nice reading your account. And your social circumstances sound very similar to mine. And I can totally relate your feelings. And also to the reactions of your family members, and I feel sorry about that. I have to face the same reactions all the time.

And confusion about our own sexual orientation is something many of us here have in common, I think. And we are all learning.

I am very new to this community myself, and this site really is amazing.

A very hearty welcome to you :)

[Aditya94]

Thanks for those kind words, PhoenixKiran! Yes, this site definitely seems amazing.

[Archon]

Welcome to AVEN, Aditya!

You certainly could be asexual. It sounds to me like you appreciate the physical appearance of women but you don't actually want to have sex with anyone. If this is the case, you might be experiencing aesthetic attraction (admiring someone's looks) without sexual attraction (wanting to have sex with someone). Those types of attraction are actually separate things, and you certainly can be ace even if you think someone is pretty. It's like thinking a sunset is pretty - it just means you admire the sunset, it doesn't mean you want to have sex with it, right?

Of course, how you identify is entirely up to you. And no matter how you identify, you're welcome here. Feel free to explore the site and learn about stuff. People are very friendly here so don't be afraid to post more or chat too. :)

[Aditya94]

Thank you so much, Archon, for that insightful analysis. That was really important for me, as like I've said, it's not something most people I know will understand, so I really came in here with a lot of self-doubt. I feel much better now.

I believe in love. I love my family to bits, but I don't think I could ever love someone as much as them. I wonder if that makes me an aromantic person?

[MissLunarWolf]

First of all, welcome!

I have not shared all this with too many people, except for the odd mention of the fact that I'll never marry (my mother takes it as a joke). The only person with whom I've shared this with is my brother, who is also my best friend. Unfortunately, it seems he can't sympathise with me regarding this. He tells me it's self-imposed, that I need to ask someone out. He's even said to me, "I could understand if you'd said you were gay, but this..."

...

I like the idea of staying alone for the rest of my life, but sometimes (rarely) I do feel the desire to be with someone, just to be with them. There's nothing wholesomely sexual as such. Anyway, on most occasions it's just a passing thought.

My parents are having a hard time grasping my asexuality as well. What I say is (because they're "straight"), "have you ever wanted gay-sex?" They'd say "No... because I'm straight."

Then I'd say something along the lines of: "Some people are sexually attracted to people of the opposite gender; and they're called heterosexual. Some people are sexually attracted to people of the same gender; and they're called homosexual. Some people are not sexually attracted to anyone, regardless of gender, and they're called asexual."

You say (for the most part) you like the idea of staying alone for the rest of your life, perhaps you are aromantic?

Check this out, these may help:

[Lady Girl]

Hi and welcome to AVEN! Definitely keep reading around the site; I think if you do, you will know for sure if asexuality is something that applies to you. Be sure to check out the Romantic and Aromantic Orientations forum for more information and stories regarding that. I'm glad you joined, and I hope you love being part of this awesome community!!! :)

[.galaxy]

Welcome Aditya!

I hope you find a warm and comforting community here that you can grow into a sense of self in. It really is an important thing, knowing who you are.

Best of luck!