Jump to content

Mental+physical attraction? What makes a crush/squish?


Sutoriku

Recommended Posts

Just trying to figure things out, feel free to comment if you have anything to add. I've made a post a little similar to this one before but since then some things have changed for me personally.

I have been identifying as asexual aromantic until very recently - I experienced feelings that lasted around a week for two guys separately in the last month!

In my mind right now from what I've been muddling through, there are two aspects to a crush: mental attraction and physical attraction (note this is NOT synonymous to sexual attraction). Basically I have experienced mental attraction to both these guys - thinking of them constantly, hyperaware of where they are and their reaction to me etc. (I'm also feeling a lot of sensual attraction - wanting to cuddle, hold hands etc)

But my question to you guys is this: is it still a crush if I'm not feeling the butterflies and chest-squeezing commonly described as symptoms of a crush? I'm interested to hear your own experiences below, and how intense do "feelings" need to be before you'd call them a crush? (also, should I try deepening a relationship?) Many thanks, fellow AVENites ^_^ :cake:

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am also confused as to what a "crush" is. The typical "feeling" that people describe are what I have felt for two people, neither of whom I was romantically interested in. One was a girl in my school that I wanted to be extremely close to. That friendship lasted a year before she ditched me for more interesting people. The other is a 40 something year old that I've known online for 5 years. He's married with kids, but has been a very dear and precious friend to me. I was not romantically interested in either of them, and I still get these feeling when I think of my online friend, along with some intense happy feeling.

So I dunno.. when people say butterfly or fuzzies.. I felt them for my two friends.

When I think of crush.. I guess people mean it to be someone they want to romantically pursue. Defining what "crush" is seems rather pointless to me, because everyone has their own definition and (I) feel things that can be considered crush but isn't. You should really analyse what you want out these guys. What are your goals and objectives? Can you see yourself dating them? Would you want to? Or is it more of a passive "oh, they seem alright."? Would you be happy with friendship but not more? Think about your objectives and what you want the outcome to be. If you can see yourself dating them, then take steps to make it happen. If you want friendship, pursue friendship. If you don't want anything but are just speculating, don't do anything until you do want something.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been seriously in love twice in my life, definitely in a romantic way, with physical attraction (even sexual attraction the second time) and I never felt the famous butterflies.

Link to post
Share on other sites
TheKindredSoul

I am pretty sure it can still be a crush even without all those feelings (butterflies and chest-squeezing). The fact that you are mentally and physically attracted to them tells me it is more likely a crush than a squish. I only experience mental attraction to my squish. I do not really care much if she does not give me cuddles or anything like that, because that is weird (hugs are nice though).

I do get butterflies and kind of weak when I see her though, but those are symptoms I get due to my social anxiety. I do care about her a lot, but I am not romantically attracted to her.

I cannot ever imagine doing romantic things with her, like kissing, dating, or anything else of that nature. I just admire her for who she is and want her as a good friend to me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't call it a crush unless it makes me perceive the person in an idealized way. It is related to hormones, but that's not how I define it. The butterflies and all that has something to do with the strength of the reaction, it hasn't happened to me in about half a year.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It can still be a crush; just some ppl have strong physical reactions to it and others don't. Without the other attractions, romantic attraction/a crush boils down to an emotion and up to the person to interpret it as platonic, romantic, or queerplatonic. Physical attraction can be intended and interpreted as 3 different attractions; aesthetic, sensual, and sexual. So we don't use it. By mental attraction i assume you mean emotional attraction; having a fixation on someone because of their emotions, and by extent personality; their stoicness, optimsum, etc. It would sound easier to interpret if it was just "emotion", but that sounds weird with "attraction", so it's "emotional." Sexual people have defined the term similarly, but i disagree with them saying it also includes a desire to know that person; just like aesthetic attraction, emotional attraction can be felt void of a relationship desire; platonic or romantic; it's just admirance.

A squish is just really wanting to know someone, and typically that urge goes away after the desired relationship/bond is reached. A crush is the-- it's an emotion, so excuse the poor wording-- "fuzzy/soft" feelings; a "soft spot."

Link to post
Share on other sites
Anime Pancake

For me, a crush is basically when I like someone more than a friend.

Link to post
Share on other sites
byanyotherusername

You can have sensual and mental/emotional attraction, butterflies, etc. in both cases, or you may not. People experience crushes/squishes differently. What do the feelings make you want to do? If you want to be closer/best friends with these guys, it is probably a squish. If you want/fantasize about having a romantic relationship with them, it is probably a crush. That's the real difference--what your feelings make you want out of the relationship. Crushes/romantic attraction is a type of attraction that makes you specifically want a romantic bond with someone. It's not some combination of other attractions (such as mental + sensual or sensual + aesthetic), it is its own unique type attraction that may or may not occur alongside other kinds.

If you want to deepen your relationship with these guys, then you should. You don't have to know exactly what type of attraction your feeling, if you know what you want. If you want to spend more time with them, try to make that happen. If you want nonsexual physical closeness with them, try to make that happen. Take it one step at a time and do not worry if you don't always know the names of what you are feeling. Best of luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Personally, with my romance indifference i don't fantasize about my romantic interest. I just know my emotions are not a squish because i don't have a desire to know them (though I'm demi, so i already know them). They're just fuzzy feelings, a bit of a fixation, and i would concent to romantic sensual things but not personally desire it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I cannot ever imagine doing romantic things with her, like kissing, dating, or anything else of that nature. I just admire her for who she is and want her as a good friend to me.

Yes, this is the main difference between a crush and a squish, at least for me. I could never do romantic things with a squish... Talking, being best friends, being like sisters, sometimes a hug, yes, totally. But snuggling, holding hands, kissing, cuddling, sex, calling my feelings "attraction", any of these things... Certainly not, yuck. It would feel wrong.

Link to post
Share on other sites

For me, i agree; i could only consent to romantic sensual things with someone i felt romantically for-- or someone i platonically love; being a QPR for me. But there are ppl who are Asensual; have no sensual attraction, and it can differ on their reaction to receiving it. Some are repulsed by receiving romantic sensual affection. So sensual consent does not make romantic attraction.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey thanks so much for all your replies!! I'm a big cuddler, lots of sensual attraction here but I feel after reflection that I my feelings aren't romantic in nature - or at least not yet.

I ended up deepening my relationship with the second guy - we already watched movies together and cuddled up but yesterday we talked everything out and decided on appropriate boundaries such as no kissing, no sex - but lots of talking and hugs :) I'm sooo ecstatic! Also, I have already come out to him as asexual a while ago and he completely understands it and respects it.

Got a really good (platonic) thing going on right now, I was a bit confused with my self earlier this week. I'm glad I took the time to think it over and hear what you guys had to say because now we have this deep platonic relationship I don't feel it would be right for it to turn romantic.

(also regarding the first guy I felt something for - that was a couple months ago so I'm not just closing my eyes and 'picking' a guy haha :P )

Basically thanks so much Avenites <3 :cake: successssss this has so much potential and I'm nervous but very happy :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I read somewhere that the Buddhists say that when you meet someone, you don't get excited, nervous or have butterflies in your tummy. Rather, meeting your soulmate is when it makes you calm and peaceful, the energy doesn't excite but soothens....very unlike what the modern world tells us. To each his own, I hope this answers.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I was going to add my two cents, but seeing as you have it. :) Best of luck!

On a different note....

Sexual people have defined the term similarly, but i disagree with them saying it also includes a desire to know that person; just like aesthetic attraction, emotional attraction can be felt void of a relationship desire; platonic or romantic; it's just admirance.

Does this mean there's a 3rd emotional attraction? Admiring? Because that would sooth my OCD side by making it symmetrical with physical attraction....something that really kind of bugs me when I saw they were split 3 and 2.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I read somewhere that the Buddhists say that when you meet someone, you don't get excited, nervous or have butterflies in your tummy. Rather, meeting your soulmate is when it makes you calm and peaceful, the energy doesn't excite but soothens....very unlike what the modern world tells us. To each his own, I hope this answers.

^ I love this so much! I guess only time will tell :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...