Sexual objectification vs asexuality

[MsGreen]

So now since I'm pretty anonymous here I can admit this:

I had a boyfriend who would tell me I looked sexy all the time, horrible! When I changed the tires of the car, when I was singing. But I wasnät changing the tires or singing to look good. The tires needed to be changed and I study singing to develop my voice.It's not a thing particularly about me and this situation, I see it more generally. That was just an example. Do you see it as sexual objectification or is it just a symptom of beeing not really into sex/ace?

Now I'm really scared of going into a relationship with another man. Is this what I should expect in an average relationship (ie should I go looking for a non average ace guy) or was this guy just a sexist douch? It would be awesome to hear what people from all over the spectrum sexual ---- ace think of this.

[FoxEars]

Some things to note:

• Someone who's sexual and attracted to you -- especially one with whom you're in a relationship -- is pretty likely to, at some point, tell you you look sexy. That doesn't mean they (necessarily) think you're doing something to look sexy; and I think it's unfair to assume that unless they explicitly state it.
• It's worth keeping in mind that different people have different definitions of 'sexy'. For some people, it carries a very sexual meaning; for others, it's just sort of a generic word for 'great' or 'perfect' or 'cool'.
• It's hard to tell exactly what the problem in this relationship was, because I don't know how you reacted to this. Did you explain to your partner that you really didn't like his calling you sexy? If so, and he didn't stop, then maybe you could argue that it was persistent sexual objectification -- although it also just may have been an issue of incompatible sexualities. (Even if he did mean 'sexy' as its sexual definition, I'm not sure calling you sexy would necessarily constitute sexual objectification, unless he treated you as a sexual object as well. On the whole, though, sexual people can be quite good at appreciating a person's sexiness but also treating them like human beings.)

I think you can expect that your partner calling you 'sexy' is something that might come up in any relationship with a sexual person; but you can also expect that if you explain that you're uncomfortable with that sort of thing, your partner should stop that habit pretty quickly.

And the reverse of that: don't necessarily expect that even a nonlibidoist, sex-repulsed asexual won't ever call you 'sexy' -- it's entirely possible that one might. (They'll probably just mean it in a different way.)

^ FoxEars ^

[Rising Sun]

I don't see it as sexual objectification. It was meant as a compliment. Your boyfriend just said that he finds you attractive. Unless if you consider that you're objectifying any person you find attractive in your mind.

[Tarfeather]

The term "sexual objectification" is so weird to my mind I have to look it up every time someone brings it up.

Sexual objectification is the act of treating a person as an instrument of sexual pleasure.

Hm, yeah, no. Doesn't sound like sexual objectification.

[Guest]

It's rather an objectification. I realized that girls mostly don't say sth on guys and guys use to say this on girls. Guys tend to judge girls by her outward appearance. I wouldn't like to have a bf such as your ex, MsGreen.

[Annapox]

For most people, "you're sexy" seems to mean pretty much the same thing as "I'm sexually attracted to you." Of course, there are many cases in which it's not appropriate to say that (to a stranger walking down the street, for example), but coming from an SO, most people take it as a compliment. If you're in a romantic relationship with a sexual person, they're probably sexually attracted to you. That doesn't mean they're objectifying you. Attraction is something that really can't be helped. If you're uncomfortable with the word "sexy," then you can ask anyone who calls you that to stop. But you can't ask people not to be attracted to you.

If you're uncomfortable with the idea of someone being sexually attracted to you, maybe only date aces from now on. But attraction definitely isn't the same thing as objectification.

[MsGreen]

Well, what I meant was that he was very much lifting the point of my possible sexiness, or if he meant beauty, but there is only one time I would want to be valued by how I look and that would be... well... when we have sex. If I sing, I might want to hear that I have a beautiful voice, if I wash the dishes I want to hear that its good so their not left to tomorrow morning, etc. I'm sorry I didn't write that too. What do you think of that? Should a partner allways value you by your looks or might be good to give a realevant compliment?

[FoxEars]

I think there's a difference between your partner always complimenting you on your sex appeal and your partner only complimenting you on your sex appeal. If it's a case of the latter -- I'm still not sure that's necessarily sexual objectification, but to be sure it's not a good thing.

The one other point I'd bring up -- and I'm not necessarily defending anyone in particular because I don't know the situation -- is that complimenting doesn't come naturally to everyone. I personally have a very hard time complimenting people orally (although I can manage written compliments perfectly easily, for some reason). There isn't exactly an identifiable reason for this; it's just the way I am. But, there are certain compliments I've had to give orally enough times that I'm now somewhat 'better' at them than at others (i.e., it's less difficult for me to give them). I suppose there's a chance your partner -- or, in a more general sense, anyone like him -- might just be bad at complimenting people, but has practised the 'sexy' compliment enough that it's easy for them. However, I'm not trying to offer this as an excuse for him; if he had this problem he should have explained it to you and been willing to try to work on it with you (especially if you did express discomfort at the frequent 'sexy' remarks).

^ FoxEars ^

[Fire & Rain]

Romantic sexual dates you because they find you both romantically and sexually attractive. They would mention it out loud at some point like Fox Ears said. In a way it's sexual objectification but for a romantic partner who likes or loves you, it's so much more than that. They may find you beautiful, pretty, cute, hot, sexy, and they may even find you sexy when you do non sexual things because they are attracted to you. They can't help it.

I also don't like being viewed in a sexual light. I don't want to be sexually attractive to anyone. My advice is tell them you're uncomfortable hearing those kind of remarks if they really bother you. I told my partner about it and they never called me hot or sexy again. I know that they still find me sexually attractive. I just don't want to hear it out loud.

[Guest]

Well, what I meant was that he was very much lifting the point of my possible sexiness, or if he meant beauty, but there is only one time I would want to be valued by how I look and that would be... well... when we have sex. If I sing, I might want to hear that I have a beautiful voice, if I wash the dishes I want to hear that its good so their not left to tomorrow morning, etc. I'm sorry I didn't write that too. What do you think of that? Should a partner allways value you by your looks or might be good to give a realevant compliment?

Well, did you tell him this is how you felt? And if so, what did he say? Most people think "You're so sexy" and such are great compliments to express how attractive you are over all - your voice is sexy, your looks are sexy, your mind is sexy, etc and it's often used just as a way of expressing appreciation for what someone is doing. Most people like this form of compliment. He can't really just guess that you don't, if you didn't tell him.

Another thing to note is sexuals sometimes feel that "I really want you sexually" from the surge of "I love you" feelings and that can be sparked by anything. Having a great conversation? They may suddenly feel it. Sing well? They might. Do some charity work that they really enjoy? Yep, might do it too. There are two ways to guarantee my sexual partner is going to become sexually interested: Say something particularly geeky (like have a two hour conversation on Tolkien) or wear something very low cut. Both are pretty much equal in causing his sexual desire to rise and cause a "I really want to do you right now" reaction. So, if he was expressing sexual attraction, it could just mean that he really liked your voice, so it caused him to feel it particularly strong... rather than it being a comment on your looks.

If you did tell him and he ignored the fact it makes you uncomfortable, that is a problem.

[Tarfeather]

If you did tell him and he ignored the fact it makes you uncomfortable, that is a problem.

I don't know, I think the bigger problem for the relationship would be if one person is uncomfortable with how the other feels. You can't "fix" that by not expressing it any more.

Slightly off topic, but my girlfriend often told me she doesn't want to be called beautiful. However, for us that was more part of our playful teasing. She has a very poor self-image of her body, and she used to be anorexic, so I make a point of it to call her beautiful especially when she complains about her weight. By now I think she's accepted that I like her body the way it is, she's even started eating chocolate and the like again, though I'm not sure how much my comments helped with that, and how much of it is just her realizing that there are more important things than looking like a pole.

Anyway, my point is, to me those feelings of "you look attractive/sexy" are something positive, and personally I couldn't see myself in a relationship with someone who can't at least tolerate this. I think that'd be asking too much TBH.

[Guest]

If you did tell him and he ignored the fact it makes you uncomfortable, that is a problem.

I don't know, I think the bigger problem for the relationship would be if one person is uncomfortable with how the other feels. You can't "fix" that by not expressing it any more.

Slightly off topic, but my girlfriend often told me she doesn't want to be called beautiful. However, for us that was more part of our playful teasing. She has a very poor self-image of her body, and she used to be anorexic, so I make a point of it to call her beautiful especially when she complains about her weight. By now I think she's accepted that I like her body the way it is, she's even started eating chocolate and the like again, though I'm not sure how much my comments helped with that, and how much of it is just her realizing that there are more important things than looking like a pole.

Anyway, my point is, to me those feelings of "you look attractive/sexy" are something positive, and personally I couldn't see myself in a relationship with someone who can't at least tolerate this. I think that'd be asking too much TBH.

If a person says specifically not to do something, it really bothers them, it's not "too much to ask" to not do it. If that is an issue for the person, they can break off the relationship. But, to purposefully continue something that you have been told makes your partner uncomfortable is just disrespectful. Now, in your case, your partner may not actually dislike it and if she did, I hope she expresses that - but the OP doesn't sound like a self-esteem issue, but more of a "I want to be told I sound good when I sing, not that I am sexy" and that is just asking for affirmation in a way that actually works for them. Kinda like my way of expressing appreciation for anything is non-verbal, but some people require me to give verbal affirmation to them, because non-verbal doesn't make any sense to them. Sometimes different ways of communicating don't work because people can't tolerate the difference, in which case, it's an incompatibility. But, totally ignoring the feelings of your SO is always a problem.