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Polyamorous and asexual


Shae

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I would be interested to get to know other poly aces on this forum (I know you are out there). Have you had success in building intimate networks that don't necessarily include sex? I find that the poly community is sometimes pretty focused on sex, and wonder if I'll ever meet poly partners that are okay with no sex.

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Notte stellata

Poly ace here. I have both sexual and non-sexual relationships, but both of my non-sexual relationships (with asexual-spectrum SOs) are long-distance.

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Poly ace here... who's pretty much given up on relationships altogether, though. After the way my last (and only long-time - 6 1/2 years) 'ship ended - suddenly, painfully, and without anywhere near sufficient communication and explanation - I pretty much lost all hope and faith in 'ships making sense as a worthwhile concept, especially when there isn't even sex to provide both glue and lubricant. It's all become kinda pointless in hindsight.

I guess I'll remain a "loose friendships only" relationship-celibate person for the rest of my life. Hoping for better chances in the afterlife.

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Notte stellata

That's too bad. :( The longer I've been poly, the more certain I am that I won't be happy in a monogamous relationship, even if I'm not able to find other partners. I'm very picky too, and I don't think I can even be romantically attracted to people who don't embrace the poly philosophy (because of my sapio- tendency, intellectual compatibility is extremely important to me). However, I'm pretty flexible on some other things, like sexual orientation, distance, frequency of communication and meeting, etc. I met both of my asexual SOs online and we're all fairly satisfied with primarily online communication. I doubt I'll ever start a relationship IRL, partly because the "dating pool" is so small, partly because I just connect with people much better online.

I think there should be a lot of poly people in Ontario? Even if you don't live in a big city, maybe there's a poly community not too far away?

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I'm poly and grey-ace. I've had success with forming both sexual and nonsexual intimate connections that fit my "open and honest" philosophy. The relationships I'm in currently have been pretty stable over the past couple of years. However, they all involve medium-to-long distances, and even the closest-living person is someone I can only see every 2-3 months at best. If it weren't for the fact that I'm okay with having long distance relationships, I think it'd be be much harder to find compatible people (although not impossible).

Poly people vary a lot in how much emphasis they place on sex. To many, sex is very important, and being able to have multiple sexual relationships is part of their personal poly identity. But there are also plenty of poly people who feel that the flexibility of poly allows them to enjoy having both nonsexual and sexual relationships. It really depends on the person. As awareness of asexuality increases in the poly community, I think you'll find more people willing to have nonsexual relationships.

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I went back to OKC to meet new friends and it turns out they allow "asexual" as one of the sexual orientation options! I didn't expect much out of it, but turns out there is a biromantic poly ace-girl in my area and we have a match procent of 91! I can't stop with the exclamation marks! I would be so happy to meet her even on a friendly basis, I thought I was all alone (I don't live in a big place at all). OKC now allows for (non)monogamy filters, too.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Qutenkuddly

After review, this topic will be moved from Intersectionality to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations.

Qutenkuddly,

Intersectionality Moderator

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TheCosmicLady

Pretty much sums up my situation to a T! Glad to know I'm not alone.

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I'm poly and gray-sexual, with 4 partners. I only have intercourse with 2 (and one lives a 5 hour flight away). My loosest relationship, with W, is about to majorly change as he's moving to my city from 1.5 hours away. It can be described as a special friendship, bc we hug and kiss and go on dates, but cuddling is the most I want.

I was completely upfront with W on our first date, flat out telling him that sex was off the table, and for him to not expect that to change. It just works out well that he has a gf who may be hypersexual - I don't have to deal with the icky stuff :)

As far as finding people, opening up to those around you might surprise you. I never guessed that W was poly, or ok with no sex. It was a weird conversation that was worth the internal stress. (I am not out to my family though, just local groups of friends). I also met C, another s.o., via a friend who decided we needed to meet. I never would have guessed how many people in my life would be OK with the true me.

I also have friends who are very much monogamous - I feel like this is both an orientation and a choice. S, the very long distance partner, identifies as monogamous. He made a choice to be in a relationship with me, even though he does not want multiple partners (with the understanding that if he meets someone else, that part of our relationship will come to an end).

I don't necessarily think that someone's relationship orientation dictates how they feel about the sexual spectrum. It's just an individual thing.

Also interesting - my local poly discussion group just talked about this topic. I was able express my experiences, and heard others question if they'd be OK with this type of relationship.

It was nice to help challenge and stretch other's preconceived notions. I felt like I helped them grow and better understand themselves!

(tl;dr) a poly non-sexual relationship can happen, and you may be surprised at who is willing to try. At minimum, you may strike some good conversation about your feelings and beliefs, as well as what others think too.

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Sage Raven Domino

I'm checking in as a poly-something, find it difficult to elaborate all the nuances yet, though.

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Mercurial Daydream

I'm poly (open, not poly-fi, though I tried that once), romantic and gray if not full on asexual. (Trying to work out that last part, which is what brought me to AVEN.) I actually haven't been active in poly community since I lived in NYC about 10 years ago. Nonetheless I seem to feel compelled to share my opinions.

As polyamory distinguishes itself from swing by distinguishing romantic from sexual relationships, there's bit of a head start on communication about sexual vs romantic desires. There's also a fantastic amount of good work done on relationship communication out of the community, especially around issues of consent and explicit discussion of what is and isn't desired or acceptable. Assumptions are strongly discouraged. Further, those who are primarily interested in multiple sexual partners often don't find polyamory attractive or satisfying, because tending to multiple relationships ethically is usually a lot more work than their sexual desires call for.

So you have a set of people who are generally allosexual, yet focus their human connection energies into sustaining loving, romantic relationships. Further, they often embrace the idea of loving each of their partners for who they are, and feel that being polyamorous allows them to more freely celebrate the value of those connections without placing unwanted expectations on each of them. Very much a "do that with someone who wants to" mentality. Asexuality would be a deal breaker for some, I'm sure, but I'd wager much fewer than in the general population. After all, it's a pretty common refrain that "it's not about the sex," and they've spent plenty of time thinking about the distinction typically. Yes, most of them are sexual relationships, but it's not the focus that some seem to think. Which isn't to say there weren't a few of those people too, the ones who seem like they view the social gathering and discussion as secondary to their desire to find a hot new date, preferably half their age. *gag*

All of that said, I gather it's become a lot more mainstream lately, and with that, perhaps some of the general awesomeness has been diluted by people who just want to screw around and not have to have lengthy discussions about it. Perhaps I'll find out for myself how the current poly community some day, but for now my romantic desires seem to be getting all the fulfillment I can handle, sans sexual desires, yay! :wub:

Oddly enough, it was joining a poly forum and getting immediately introduced to relationship anarchy that caused me to start considering asexuality more deeply, so for me I see some connection between the two communities, if only in my own experience.

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  • 2 weeks later...
fish of hearts

I'm surprised how many posts I've come across from mixed couples who are strongly against polyamory. I'm bumping this post because I need to know polyamorous aces are not alone!

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