Why is it so difficult to get an asexual community going?

[moomintroll]

It seems to me that it's quite difficult to get a thriving asexual community going. We supposedly makeup about 1% of the population, so here in Auckland (total population 1.4 million) there should be around 14,000 of us. For the last couple of years we've had a regular Auckland asexual meetup (actually there's one tomorrow 1.30PM at Sylvia Park Mall, see post in the meetup section), and I've met some awesome wonderful people through it, but typically we only get 4 or 5 people at a meeting. Where are all the other asexuals? They must be out there somewhere?

What's been the experience in other cities / countries?

[KevCo]

I think that asexuals often tend to be really under the radar and more likely to be socially reclusive. There is often a correlation with Autism and Asperger's, which probably doesn't make social interaction more likely. This means people with a lot of rough edges. Even outside of that I get a sense that a huge proportion of asexual people seem to be wallflowers. There doesn't seem to be the urgency around asexuality as there is with sexualities that are more visible. I could certainly see why people who are gay or trans feel more strongly about organizing and supporting one another, where as people who are ace or bisexual may blend in more easily. Another factor is that only a small sliver of people are stepping out- it will take more time to connect because people have such different ages, backgrounds, gender identities, and interests. We have less of a readily identifiable image for anyone to relate to. Thankfully we have cake.

As someone who is typically repulsed by sex and romance I've decided it's time to be more serious about my identity. There have been some groups in Denver where I live and there are some great people. I'm never going to see another one of myself in the ace community! Everyone is so different, so connecting with people is going to have to be very deliberate and intentional. I've decided it's worth the commitment to get to know people and create more mutual support though.

[moomintroll]

Yeah I think I agree with what you're saying.

It is worth making the effort to connect with other asexuals: it's helped me come to terms with my identity a lot more

[Deleted Person]

I think it's also important to remember that while it's estimated at being 1% of the population many of those people probably don't realise they're ace because of the lack of visibility, and even less probably realise there's a community they can connect with if they wished. I'm sure it will get better, but sadly that will take time.

[Guest]

Even if I lived in Auckland (I'm in the South Island) I'd never come to a meetup. Just not my cup of tea and I've met lots of aces like me here, who'd rather connect online or one on one than in a group of randoms.

[SpiritGrove]

I've noticed that an overwhelming majority of asexuals here seem to be introverted. I think they are more likely to wonder if a meetup would tax their energy level. Honestly, I probably wouldn't go to an asexual meetup of people I met on the Internet. I like my online friendships to stay online. However I would go to a separate meetup of people in my town.

[Techie]

While 1% of the population may be asexual, it does not mean that the 1% all know they are. If you had asked me two years ago if I was asexual, I would not have identified as such as I did not know anything about it. It wasn't until I was Google'ing one night out of frustration that I stumbled across AVEN, started reading personal stories and suddenly felt "that's me". So I can understand why it may be hard to get a large number of people together. They may be just as clueless as I was.

[Sally]

There's an asexual community on AVEN. Here we come and go as we please, and pay attention to whatever thread we choose to.

What would an asexual community look like IRL? Would we simply sit around and talk about being asexual? We're all individuals, of different ages and personalities and life experiences, who just happen to be asexual. That's the only commonality. Not a really strong reason for clumping together as a community.

[GoldenaLy]

I'm only speaking for myself here, but I suppose I haven't sought out a community outside of AVEN because my aromanticism and asexuality does not really interfere with my daily life very much. On a day to day basis, I seldom think of the fact that I'm aromantic/asexual. It just doesn't come up much, unless someone tries to interrogate me about my orientation. If you have a romantic or sexual orientation, you're confronted with it at some point - i.e. when you develop crushes or feelings towards someone. My aromantic and asexual orientations mean that I just go on with my day-to-day life, thinking about my career, my house, my friends and my dog.

Beyond wanting to speak to others about raising kids as a single person, my asexuality and aromanticism doesn't affect my day-to-day lifestyle very much. I guess that's why I've never sought out a community outside of AVEN. That's not to say that I can't see the benefits of communities happening outside the internet - it could be a good source of support for people who are questioning, and asexual communities could help to raise visibility. When I was younger, I think I would have liked to have been more involved in a community devoted to discussing asexuality/aromanticism.

[daveb]

I've been to a few asexual meetups. Most of them were populated with people much younger than me. The other reason I don't go to many meetups is they are too far away. I live on the very outskirts of the cities and communities surrounding Los Angeles. Most groups and events of any sort around here take place closer to LA, and it means I have to spend an hour or more to get there. Not something I like to do on a regular basis. I did go to a nice meetup with some of the "older" AVENites in another city a couple of years ago. That was nice. Anyway, being an introvert I need time in order to get to know people and get comfortable with them. And I have trouble following conversations when there are too many people and different conversations going on. So the ideal for me would be smaller meetups on a regular basis, preferably not just sitting and talking, but doing things like playing games, going on nature hikes, visiting zoos, going to concerts or music shows or plays, going out for lunch or dinner or dessert. Basically, getting to know individuals with whom I have some connection and common interests with and becoming friends. Asexuality is one small part of me and my experiences.

[BusTotem]

Don't know if it helps much, but I noticed there's a lot of crossover between different A spectrums.. I have a bit of a dysphoria twitch at meeting people I know online, because I'm scared they will immediately misgender me to everyone. They'd jump online and point me out and "Oh hey, George, what a great guy, hey dude!" or "OMG Heather has such great hair, she'd look awesome in a sundress" and suddenly everyone throws my pronouns out the window, some friends start treating me weirdly or not talking to me at all or expecting weird stuff out of me.. Just.. No. There's a trust issue there.

[JaySexual]

So basically you could also think of it as: you meet someone, and there's only a 1% chance they may be asexual. That's is a pretty small number.

And its not like there's a way you can tell that someone's asexual, unless they do or something to let you know.

I think like others have mentioned there's the fact that asexuality isn't well known...that 1% person may not even know about it.

I've never been to an asexual meetup. Wouldn't mind checking one out eventually though.

There have been some in one of the cities here, Besides the fact I live outside city limits, its usually timing hasn't worked out, or once when it did I was physically unable to go.

[The Strong Force]

Its funny that more believers in the illuminati or similar conspiracies than there are Aces at community meet ups

[Ficulnean]

There's an asexual community on AVEN. Here we come and go as we please, and pay attention to whatever thread we choose to.

What would an asexual community look like IRL? Would we simply sit around and talk about being asexual? We're all individuals, of different ages and personalities and life experiences, who just happen to be asexual. That's the only commonality. Not a really strong reason for clumping together as a community.

Yeah. I can't imagine going to a meeting consistently to talk about my sexuality to other people, because sexuality is still to closely related to sexual things for me. Not so much an issue with other sexualities, very much the main issue with ours. I mean, a sex repulsed ace won't find it too much fun to hear how having sex doesn't make us any less asexual. Not because of any ignorance, obviously, but pure discomfort.

[Francoise Wang]

I think that it's easier for gay/lesbian or transgender communities keep thriving is that they have "special needs".

Gays/lesbians need to find partners among other gays/lesbians, so they need the communities to provide them the chance to know other gays/lesbians. And most of the transgender people need hormone replacement therapy or sex reassignment surgery, so they need the communities to provide informations about those things. So without the communities, life would be a lot harder for them because their needs are almost impossible to be fulfilled in other places.

It's a lot more difficult to get a thriving bisexual community going (at least in where I live), because bisexuals can find partners among heterosexual people or in gay/lesbian communities, so they don't need the bisexuals communities so much.

And asexual communities are the same. Romantic asexuals can find partners among sexual people, and aromantic asexuals can find friends among romantic and sexual people. Without a thriving community, asexuals still live an ordinary life and being asexual doesn't necessarily affect their daily life (at least I feel this way, I'm a heteromantic asexual).

So I guess most asexuals (and bisexuals) don't put as much effort to maintain their communities thriving as most gays/lesbians and transgender people (Including me, I'm very introverted so I'm not good at interacting with people, don't have enough motivation to be active in a community).

[Spectre/Ex/Machina]

I live in NYC and I go to meets up, there are alot of us and I feel a sense of community with them.

[Guest]

I think that it's easier for gay/lesbian or transgender communities keep thriving is that they have "special needs".

Gays/lesbians need to find partners among other gays/lesbians, so they need the communities to provide them the chance to know other gays/lesbians. And most of the transgender people need hormone replacement therapy or sex reassignment surgery, so they need the communities to provide informations about those things. So without the communities, life would be a lot harder for them because their needs are almost impossible to be fulfilled in other places.

It's a lot more difficult to get a thriving bisexual community going (at least in where I live), because bisexuals can find partners among heterosexual people or in gay/lesbian communities, so they don't need the bisexuals communities so much.

And asexual communities are the same. Romantic asexuals can find partners among sexual people, and aromantic asexuals can find friends among romantic and sexual people. Without a thriving community, asexuals still live an ordinary life and being asexual doesn't necessarily affect their daily life (at least I feel this way, I'm a heteromantic asexual).

So I guess most asexuals (and bisexuals) don't put as much effort to maintain their communities thriving as most gays/lesbians and transgender people (Including me, I'm very introverted so I'm not good at interacting with people, don't have enough motivation to be active in a community).

I believe asexual people's needs are as "special" as gay and lesbian people's needs. Gay and lesbian people need a partner of the same sex, many of us (asexuals) need a partner who doesn't want sex: that is nigh on impossible to find, faaaar harder than it is for a gay man or lesbian woman to find a partner.

I love the online asexual communities, because it opens a whole new world of relationship possibilities for romantic asexuals (well that's one of the reasons) ..Just because we are *capable* of having a relationship with a sexual person, doesn't mean many of us would faaaar prefer having a relationship with an asexual if that were in any way possible.

It just felt kind of dismissive of many of our needs, saying "a romantic asexual can have a relationship with a sexual" sure *some* can, and make it work (well, a small select few can anyway) ..but so often it just isn't that simple.

A gay man can have a relationship with a woman, even love her.. but that love doesn't mean certain aspects of the relationship will be easy for them. It's the same for romantic asexuals (many of us anyway)

My asexuality, and being a romantic person unable to have a regular sexual relationship pretty much destroyed me, I was suicidal for years because of my inability to be what I deemed a "normal person" capable of "a normal loving relationship". I am soooooo grateful I finally learned about asexuality and found a community I could be a part of.. not out of a need to be sociable, but out of a need for the people I *do* choose to associate with to understand me and my sexuality completely. I have that in the asexual community.

However like I said, I'd never go to an actual real life meet-up (not a group anyway, maybe I'd meet certain special individuals at some point in the future).. but I'm too antisocial for the group thing.

Asexual online communities suit me just fine :)

[fuzzipueo]

I agree with PanFictosaurus here and add that it's nice to be able to discuss things sexuals don't get or quite understand. There are things they have a hard time understanding, like the lower/lack of interest in romance/sex and so can't really relate to some of the feelings aces tend to have about these subjects.

I have a friend who's been really reluctant to identify as grey-a openly, mostly due to wanting to avoid tagging and getting locked into those tags, yet, I'm one of the only people she can openly talk to about it because she knows I'll understand her better than any of her work colleagues or older friends. We have a language all our own and the conversation can cover anything from the latest episode of Doctor Who to fanfiction to wondering why Sleepy Hollow went off the rails this past season. It's a one on one thing though. In a larger crowd, that kind of discussion would get lost. On the other hand, it would be nice to have a group of aces of various shades to hang with on occasion, assuming we could find enough common ground beyond our shared umbrella to have a decent group discussion.

[MaxAmoeba]

We are outnumbered. Simple.

[Francoise Wang]

I think that it's easier for gay/lesbian or transgender communities keep thriving is that they have "special needs".

Gays/lesbians need to find partners among other gays/lesbians, so they need the communities to provide them the chance to know other gays/lesbians. And most of the transgender people need hormone replacement therapy or sex reassignment surgery, so they need the communities to provide informations about those things. So without the communities, life would be a lot harder for them because their needs are almost impossible to be fulfilled in other places.

It's a lot more difficult to get a thriving bisexual community going (at least in where I live), because bisexuals can find partners among heterosexual people or in gay/lesbian communities, so they don't need the bisexuals communities so much.

And asexual communities are the same. Romantic asexuals can find partners among sexual people, and aromantic asexuals can find friends among romantic and sexual people. Without a thriving community, asexuals still live an ordinary life and being asexual doesn't necessarily affect their daily life (at least I feel this way, I'm a heteromantic asexual).

So I guess most asexuals (and bisexuals) don't put as much effort to maintain their communities thriving as most gays/lesbians and transgender people (Including me, I'm very introverted so I'm not good at interacting with people, don't have enough motivation to be active in a community).

I believe asexual people's needs are as "special" as gay and lesbian people's needs. Gay and lesbian people need a partner of the same sex, many of us (asexuals) need a partner who doesn't want sex: that is nigh on impossible to find, faaaar harder than it is for a gay man or lesbian woman to find a partner.

I love the online asexual communities, because it opens a whole new world of relationship possibilities for romantic asexuals (well that's one of the reasons) ..Just because we are *capable* of having a relationship with a sexual person, doesn't mean many of us would faaaar prefer having a relationship with an asexual if that were in any way possible.

It just felt kind of dismissive of many of our needs, saying "a romantic asexual can have a relationship with a sexual" sure *some* can, and make it work (well, a small select few can anyway) ..but so often it just isn't that simple.

A gay man can have a relationship with a woman, even love her.. but that love doesn't mean certain aspects of the relationship will be easy for them. It's the same for romantic asexuals (many of us anyway)

My asexuality, and being a romantic person unable to have a regular sexual relationship pretty much destroyed me, I was suicidal for years because of my inability to be what I deemed a "normal person" capable of "a normal loving relationship". I am soooooo grateful I finally learned about asexuality and found a community I could be a part of.. not out of a need to be sociable, but out of a need for the people I *do* choose to associate with to understand me and my sexuality completely. I have that in the asexual community.

However like I said, I'd never go to an actual real life meet-up (not a group anyway, maybe I'd meet certain special individuals at some point in the future).. but I'm too antisocial for the group thing.

Asexual online communities suit me just fine :)

I also would far prefer having a relationship with another asexual if I have the chance, so I definitely wish to see a thriving asexual community that I could participate in (and also asexual dating sites, bars for asexuals to socialize, etc). And online asexual community is important to me too, because it helped me a lot when I was trying to figure out whether I'm asexual or not. Also I would love to go to an real life asexual meet up if there were one in where I live.

So I don't mean that having asexual communities isn't important. I'm very grateful that online asexual community exists and I was disappointed when I found out that real life asexual community are not as thriving as gay/lesbian comunities.

I just mean that the reality is, many asexuals haven't realized that they're asexual, or they're already in a relationship or marriage with a sexual person when they realized they're asexual (especially in the place I live, where most people have never heard about asexuality). Many asexuals aren't aware of their own special needs, they don't actively seek for comunities, so it makes running a thriving asexual community very difficult.

[moomintroll]

I'm only speaking for myself here, but I suppose I haven't sought out a community outside of AVEN because my aromanticism and asexuality does not really interfere with my daily life very much. On a day to day basis, I seldom think of the fact that I'm aromantic/asexual. It just doesn't come up much, unless someone tries to interrogate me about my orientation. If you have a romantic or sexual orientation, you're confronted with it at some point - i.e. when you develop crushes or feelings towards someone. My aromantic and asexual orientations mean that I just go on with my day-to-day life, thinking about my career, my house, my friends and my dog.

Beyond wanting to speak to others about raising kids as a single person, my asexuality and aromanticism doesn't affect my day-to-day lifestyle very much. I guess that's why I've never sought out a community outside of AVEN. That's not to say that I can't see the benefits of communities happening outside the internet - it could be a good source of support for people who are questioning, and asexual communities could help to raise visibility. When I was younger, I think I would have liked to have been more involved in a community devoted to discussing asexuality/aromanticism.

I think about my asexuality more and more as I get older. In my teens and my 20s I could blend in with everyone else quite easily. As I got into my 30s, and then 40s I felt like I stood out more and more: I was the only one not married, the only one without a girlfriend/boyfriend. Right now I'm trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life: I would really like to have children but am pessimistic about the chances of that ever happening...

[RedOwl]

For me it's also important to have a place as AVEN, where I can come and go as I please, and where I feel less alone.

It's not only about having a romantic partner or anything of the sort. It's about finding for the first time people like me. A place where I can read other people's thoughts and think "hey! That's pretty much how I feel!", and that's something that didn't happen to me before. The change is welcome.

In general, the feeling I get is that we are quite independent. We are used to being alone (even if some of us would rather not be), so it's not like we are in a rush to meet people or enter a relationship.

So some may be content with just reading the forums, others would rather keep it simple and not go to the meetings and others are keener on seeing and interacting with the rest.