My boyfriend of 7 years recently discovered his asexuality and aromanticality

[AthenaFay]

Hi everyone!

My first official post here and I can barely explain my relief at finally being a part of this forum! I had registered a number of days ago but had verification issues (I didn't get the email to verify my account) which meant I had to wait longer but oh my gosh I am so happy to finally be here.

To drive right into it: My boyfriend and I had been discussing sexuality on the 11th, and it was actually me who brought up the topic of asexuality to him. I was still fairly ignorant about asexuality and what it truly meant in any real depth, so I just Googled it, was brought to AVEN, and asked him if he would like me to read out the definition to see if he felt it applied to him - and... it did! So too, was the case for aromanticism. A very mixed extreme of emotions ensued; no arguments or anything, but just very... confused: -

For him, on one hand, he is so relieved that he is not alone - his sexual and romantic identities are finally accurately defined (he used to define himself as straight, then worried he was gay, and then bisexual, and then pansexual, and now finally asexual aromantic - quite a journey!), he's seen himself as "cold" and heartless for his lack of romantic or sexual desire, but on the other hand, he has felt guilty, being as we actually had regular sex and did things together that he did out of a sense of obligation rather than an actual personal willingness to do those things. He had, in the past, taken little shots at my romantic desire in the past, or things which represented romantic desire (I am a hardcore romantic and I love romantic literature, poetry, movies, etc), which hurt, but begun to make sense as to why he would feel that way toward the things I liked. He was always so apologetic after it happened, and it always just seemed like he was acting "out of sorts" so, although it was painful to hear those things, I tried not to take it too heavy-heartedly as our communication is always excellent and we always spoke it through afterwards.

And for me, on one hand, a lot of things about our relationship now make perfect sense, but on the other hand, I am terrified of what our future brings, and have been struggling terribly with so many past "happy memories" I have long cherished out of remembering as being what I thought were mutually pleasurable and enjoyable times for both of us, but in reality, were actually a great deal of inner struggle to him, and were completely one-sided. It felt like I'd been kicked in the gut - suddenly everything is different, and the past has never been as it seemed at the time, and I'd felt sick that some experiences were probably rather unpleasant to him, yet there I was, writhing about in complete ignorant bliss. "Reminiscing" about our old times like the very first time I ever told him I had a crush on him, and hearing him say he had a crush on me too, now feel extremely painful. I am struggling because thoughts of having sex with him still pop up in my mind and I have to bat it away like "No. That's not happening anymore", you know?

We have been together for around 7 years, and throughout the relationship has been a constant underlying sense, of I guess, sexual and romantic incompatibility that neither of us could really properly pinpoint or put our finger on. He "played the part" at sexual desire; but he has always fairly honest about his lack of romantic desire, so his aromanticism was less of a surprise to me, but still nonetheless a struggle to hear the extent of his lack of romantic desire confirmed in ways I didn't before know the extent of. I worried before, about what to *do* with my romantic desire; it's long been a source of deep pain for me that I cannot share it with him. (If any romantics have any advice on what to *do* with romantic desire, I would be so, so grateful!)

It became excruciating in the days to follow as we began to unpackage these parts of our relationship, and whether it can be fulfilling or not for both of us. We are having to take communication with this slowly due to how painful this is. I am mentally ill and have just started seeking treatment again, and my father who lives a long way away, is battling serious illness; - I do not feel prepared for very much, but he is respecting that, so rather than me pack my things and leave, we are staying living together for the time being and I guess getting to grips, and seeing if we can sort things out. I so dearly hope that we can.

The god-awful part about this, is that if we broke up, I would be broken-hearted, and he wouldn't: he could still see me as a friend with no problem, but for me to break up with him and still see him as a friend would be incredibly hard. But, he still wants me in his life so much; he very tearfully told me how he just doesn't want to lose me. We still love each other so much, just in such different ways.

I have been asking him gently, which kinds of things he is comfortable with, and what he isn't. He doesn't want sex ever again, he doesn't like kissing with tongues, he doesn't like getting blow jobs, anything sexual is out of the question. He likes hugs, regular kisses, snuggles, cuddling on the bed. Though, he still likes, I think, "groping" me - boobs, tummy, butt, legs... but I had to tell him that I would actually no longer be comfortable with that being as being touched in those places, being as they would I guess make me feel "led on", or just make me uncomfortable being as I know every time it happens, it can't ever go further.

I know, I am just a "best friend" but not more, and that is so hard. He loves me as he would love any other friend; just a friend that he sometimes kisses and hugs. I am struggling so hard with this.

[Rising Sun]

I know, I am just a "best friend" but not more, and that is so hard. He loves me as he would love any other friend; just a friend that he sometimes kisses and hugs. I am struggling so hard with this.

Are you sure about that ? Friendship isn't necessarily secondary to people, and especially people in the aromantic spectrum. It's totally possible to love someone as much as a romantic partner, in a completely platonic way. I can tell you it exists as I experienced both worlds in my life.

Your boyfriend must really love you to have done so many things to please you. Of course, he loves you in a platonic way, but it doesn't mean that he loves you less, and it doesn't mean that he doesn't want you as the most important person in his life.

[AthenaFay]

I know, I am just a "best friend" but not more, and that is so hard. He loves me as he would love any other friend; just a friend that he sometimes kisses and hugs. I am struggling so hard with this.

Are you sure about that ? Friendship isn't necessarily secondary to people, and especially people in the aromantic spectrum. It's totally possible to love someone as much as a romantic partner, in a completely platonic way. I can tell you it exists as I experienced both worlds in my life.

Your boyfriend must really love you to have done so many things to please you. Of course, he loves you in a platonic way, but it doesn't mean that he loves you less, and it doesn't mean that he doesn't want you as the most important person in his life.

Thank you so much for this. It's still difficult for us both to speak about at this point without at some point emotions coming to the surface or panicking about suddenly terminating the relationship because the true extent of our differences are now apparent. Whilst I don't yet necessarily know how I'm going to be able to handle my sexual or romantic desire, I am still fully supportive of him, I still very much love him, and am willing to do what I can to continue the relationship in a manner which can still be satisfying and enjoyable for us both if possible.

He has, throughout the years, alluded to a personal belief that romantic sexual relationships cause nothing but harm, break friendships apart in general, and are all-around just pretty much "bad" (for him), as well as having never felt the feelings associated with them. In this same strand, he has said that he doesn't believe our relationship can work and that he does not want to be in a relationship, that he sees me on the same level as a best friend, and that the things he does with me at this point (kissing, cuddling, etc), he could pretty much do with anyone.

He feels awful for that lack of romantic connection (the same sort of "I'm cold and heartless" feeling), and although it hurt me too, I can still appreciate that he does love me, (he stills says "I love you" and very much means it), and that a lack of romantic or sexual desire does not in any way mean "no love" (looking at the Greeks various definitions of love certainly aided that; he certainly has all but the passionate / romantic one). He has emphasized that our friendship and connection will always mean so much to him, that I will mean "the most" because of our connection. Though I must say, that yes, I've been getting conflicted messages from him about where I now stand with him exactly, but I am appreciating that this is a very tough time right now, and that we need time to settle into the situation in order to approach it as rationally and as openly as possible.

I think it will take some time for him to regather his bearings around me as an asexual person instead of (previously) a "sexual heterosexual red-blooded man". It's like there is so much to unlearn for him - things, behaviors, habits that are not fitting to the person he is, but that he did as you said to please me. I want more than anything to learn about who he truly is, and things he has hidden in place of an attempt to fit into, as he put it, "The Boyfriend" role. It's funny, in some ways, I love him more than ever.. I have been seeing more glimpses of the wonderful person he is, with more confidence about his real self beneath those layers, and yet, I need to hold myself back.

However, we have said sort of equal things to each other in the heat of the moment this way: both of us freaking out, thinking, "how can this work? oh god.. we should break up, shouldn't we?" and then winding back down to trying to just calming down and think this through thoroughly and rationally just before we make suddenly rush into making rash decisions and calling the removal vans to send us both packing on our separate ways.

We both came to a mutual agreement the most sensible way to do things is to make big decisions once we've properly thought this through because it doesn't feel right to rush into anything whilst we're still feeling so intense about it.

[Philip027]

I have to say that so far, it seems like you're doing the right things and trying to interpret things rationally. I was going to say that in all likelihood, he does still love you, it's just maybe not in the same way that you do. But you seem to have already arrived at that conclusion on your own. It's worth pointing out that no two people are going to love each other in exactly the same way. Obviously though, it doesn't mean a relationship can't still work out anyway.

I think that to him, he regards you as somewhat more than just a "best friend". Most of us won't live 7+ years and explore our sexual/romantic identities with our best friends.

"Reminiscing" about our old times like the very first time I ever told him I had a crush on him, and hearing him say he had a crush on me too, now feel extremely painful.

Look at it this way. Assuming he's felt aromantic for all of his life (even if he didn't necessarily have a name for it at the time yet), whatever he felt toward you at that moment was enough to make him wonder if he actually was. That's got to account for something, right?

[ChainSmokingBob]

I don't believe being aromantic means he can't love you.

I think you should think how you feel about this -- just because he isn't particularly romantic and even if he has trouble expressing how he feels, doesn't mean he isn't genuinely, honestly in love with you.

I don't care for cute, trivial gestures and I can't very easily offer them for the people who do -- doesn't mean I don't love them.

I hope you can see where I'm coming from and reconcile yourself with everything.

(Please note that yes, I see this has been well covered. I was replying late at work :P )

[capt_pantsless]

First off, I'm glad that you've both discoverd this site, and you've both discovered some important things about yourselves. I am in a similar situation - you're in good company here.

He has, throughout the years, alluded to a personal belief that romantic sexual relationships cause nothing but harm...

For him, this is completely true - sexual experiances for him throughout his life where probably rather negative, and his reaction to them likely caused stress in his relationships. He doesn't fit into the usual cultural expectations and he's probably been confused, frustrated and scared for much of his adault life. My heart goes out to him, and I hope this self-relaization leads him to find a lifestyle that matches his true self.

We both came to a mutual agreement the most sensible way to do things is to make big decisions once we've properly thought this through because it doesn't feel right to rush into anything whilst we're still feeling so intense about it.

This is an excellent idea - there's a lot of unpacking to do here. He needs to figure-out what he really wants out of life, and you need to decide if what you want alignes enough with what he does. There are many ways to find compromise in a mixed-relationship, but it takes work and sacrifice from both parties.

Lastly, I'll say this: you are not a bad person if you choose to end your relationship due to lack of sexual intimacy. Everyone deserves fulfillment in many aspects of life, sexuality included - and NO ONE is allowed to judge you if you choose to end your relationship.

[Ruqiah]

What I have to say will probably not help (I have no relationship experience) but I do want to say thank you for trying to be understanding for him. Since he's discovered his asexuality and aromanticism at the same time, that may be tough for him to take in right now. Especially since he is probably doing just as you are, and re-examining his past history and what it could possibly mean.

Even if the relationship cannot be as it was, friendship is no small thing. You both have had a bond for seven years, and can continue to have that lasting friendship. He must care a great deal for you do have done these things for you for this length of time. But now that he knows more of what he is, he needs to think of himself now, and what he really wants and what he can handle. And you must take care of yourself as well, because both of you have desires that are just as important as the other. And both must continue to be open with discussion.

Maybe directing him here would help as well. To me, it seems as if you have a special person and he values you as a special person and you both care enough to figure out what's going on. That is huge. And friendship is a huge thing, please do not undervalue that connection. It is precious.

[AthenaFay]

Thank you all so, so much for your responses so far!

We are doing better at this point, and succeeding in taking things slowly. We are still enjoying one anothers company, and there's this sense of, I can only put it as "refreshment"... I can see that he has loosened up around me, embracing his identity, and he has actually been a little more physically affectionate than before. I did have to ask him afterwards, (in as gentle and reassuring a manner as possible), out of concern for him, that "Are you doing this because you feel you have to?" just because I want to reassure him that I don't want him to feel as he has before, or worse even, because of me. As hard as I know this will be, I can't stand the thought of him struggling, but he did reassure me that he still enjoys doing those kinds of things.

We watched the (A)sexual documentary together, and have been watching a few aro-ace videos together by people who feel as he does and I think it's helping. I really want to be able to help him feel less alone and not strange or cold as he did before and I just want to bury myself in as much research about this as possible to bring myself to a better understanding.

He really is an incredible human being; he is a deeply sweet, innocent and loving person, and I hope that my compliments toward him regarding those qualities are better able to penetrate now being as he knows that I know the things that he thought himself "cold" for for so long, are not seen as cold by me.

The thing about romantic and sexual desire, and the ways it can brew up, have made me devalue the relationship in the sense that I sort of get "taken over" by these desires that I so desperately have wanted to share, enjoy with him, and be fulfilled. It would be bad of me to attempt to deny that. But I don't like that at all, and it's made me listen even more eagerly to the stories he has to share with regard to the ways romantic and sexual desires have torn people apart, torn friendships apart, and caused all sorts of havoc. I understand his grief for these things much better. It's going to be a matter for me of what to do with the feelings. But we are still taking this slowly, and I just hope so much that whatever happens, we'll be okay.

[teagansk]

You are doing an excellent job communicating with your boyfriend and expressing yourself. Great job! Be patient and keep doing what you are doing.

I worried before, about what to *do* with my romantic desire; it's long been a source of deep pain for me that I cannot share it with him. (If any romantics have any advice on what to *do* with romantic desire, I would be so, so grateful!)

I am also searching for this answer. I think it is possible to find fulfillment in your own physical & romantic desire for an asexual but it requires a lot of work to reach that point. I am not fully there yet but I think I am taking steps in that direction. That fact that he can "find enjoyment" in certain things is a place to start.

I am mentally ill and have just started seeking treatment again

It is fortunate that you can recognize the need for treatment and seek it out. I also struggle with mental illness. Does this situation make it worse? I struggle with trying to understand how much my depression is connected to the lack of love I feel being in a mixed relationship vs. something that is just purely part of the makeup of my brain. Mental illness for me can really make it hard to think rationally and sort out what is real vs. something I have developed into a monster in my mind when I am not healthy.

The god-awful part about this, is that if we broke up, I would be broken-hearted, and he wouldn't: he could still see me as a friend with no problem.

I know, I am just a "best friend" but not more, and that is so hard.

Is this really true? Are you certain? I know others have also commented on this but it seems hard to believe based on how you describe the relationship. I see a lot of people (including myself in the past) come to similar conclusions. It sort of makes logical sense to us that if we removed the romantic and physical part of our love that we would be left would be a friendship. However, I have learned that is not really true in most cases. I have learned for me and for many others (also confirmed by many asexuals here), that there can absolutely be an intense, special, fulfilling relationships that goes far beyond friendship.

[AthenaFay]

You are doing an excellent job communicating with your boyfriend and expressing yourself. Great job! Be patient and keep doing what you are doing.

I worried before, about what to *do* with my romantic desire; it's long been a source of deep pain for me that I cannot share it with him. (If any romantics have any advice on what to *do* with romantic desire, I would be so, so grateful!)

I am also searching for this answer. I think it is possible to find fulfillment in your own physical & romantic desire for an asexual but it requires a lot of work to reach that point. I am not fully there yet but I think I am taking steps in that direction. That fact that he can "find enjoyment" in certain things is a place to start.

I am mentally ill and have just started seeking treatment again

It is fortunate that you can recognize the need for treatment and seek it out. I also struggle with mental illness. Does this situation make it worse? I struggle with trying to understand how much my depression is connected to the lack of love I feel being in a mixed relationship vs. something that is just purely part of the makeup of my brain. Mental illness for me can really make it hard to think rationally and sort out what is real vs. something I have developed into a monster in my mind when I am not healthy.

The god-awful part about this, is that if we broke up, I would be broken-hearted, and he wouldn't: he could still see me as a friend with no problem.

I know, I am just a "best friend" but not more, and that is so hard.

Is this really true? Are you certain? I know others have also commented on this but it seems hard to believe based on how you describe the relationship. I see a lot of people (including myself in the past) come to similar conclusions. It sort of makes logical sense to us that if we removed the romantic and physical part of our love that we would be left would be a friendship. However, I have learned that is not really true in most cases. I have learned for me and for many others (also confirmed by many asexuals here), that there can absolutely be an intense, special, fulfilling relationships that goes far beyond friendship.

Thank you so much! I'm so glad I'm not alone in this side; it really helps to get advice too from other romantic sexuals just as much as aromantic asexuals.

About the mental illness question: At this point, I'd say it makes it more confusing, yes, as it's harder for me to differentiate or separate healthy from unhealthy feelings, thoughts, conclusions, etc, as you said. I suffer with depression, anxiety, healthy anxiety and two personality disorders (Dependent and Avoidant), which is a very bad mixture for my going through and dealing with this. I am proud that I restarted treatment (my past treatment was for another disorder, but very thankfully now resolved; just I have more work to do on the others at this point!) In the past, I actually thought (though this was not diagnosed or looked into by any doctors), I may actually suffer from love addiction, but now I'm thinking I perhaps have a pattern of forming relationships with aromantics somehow... I'm not certain. It's like I perhaps have a history of having formed relationships in which I felt like my romantic desire was too much for my ex partners. I do feel I'd benefit from professional help for my thinking patterns nonetheless as it just helps having a healthy and objecting viewpoint toward my desires, healthy or unhealthy, because the other mental illnesses can certainly make me worry about if I'm looking at this rationally or not.

About the "best friend" bit: I'm still not 100% sure... He has himself, said these words. But then, as others here have said, he has also told me that I mean "more" than that... It's like what I was saying about the mixed messages thing. But honestly, at this point, I just want to tread carefully and take this slowly. He himself suffers with anxiety and stress, and has been burdened with the responsibility of being the sole bread-winner since my own mental illness has become worse. I really don't want to over-burden him with questions about our relationship for the time being, and just dedicate as much time as possible to trying simply to take the weight off his shoulders, and do things to help benefit me too. - Sometimes my own anxiety can hit him very hard, and his anxiety can negatively affect mine too. It seems more important at this point to take it one day at a time, and the rest I'm sure will come naturally.

I have been put on 10mg daily (to be upped to 20mg daily next week) of citalopram, an anti-depressant, and it has been causing me a number of strange side-effects in the process. One of those side-effect is a complete lack of a desire for sex, and to some extent, I feel a bit like a zombie.. which is another spanner thrown in the works during all of this. - On one hand, I can't help but see it as good, because I've been feeling no desire at all, but on the other hand, very bad.. how do I know how I am approaching this as.. *myself*? How will I be when I come off of this medication, or when / if these side-effects wear off? It's extremely difficult, and very confusing, but for now, I am just glad to be getting treatment, (my doctor has also referred me onto a psychologist and there are other things planned), and working on gaining some strength.

[I Shot the Serif]

What does he think romantic means?

(I ask that question also to the aces on this thread who seem to be, or know something about, aros: I heard that that there are aromantic people who choose to be in romantic relationships: how do they think their feelings differ from romantic feelings.)

[Rising Sun]

The difference of feelings is the same as the difference you would make between a romantic partner and a twin brother or sister, because when I had platonic feelings for someone, it was sort of like what I imagine twins can feel for each other. Feelings can be just as intense but they're still quite different.

[Tarfeather]

... What if you feel both like for a twin sister and like for a sexual partner? :P

[AthenaFay]

What does he think romantic means?

(I ask that question also to the aces on this thread who seem to be, or know something about, aros: I heard that that there are aromantic people who choose to be in romantic relationships: how do they think their feelings differ from romantic feelings.)

Romantic = experiencing romantic desire.

My boyfriends aromanticism = lack of romantic desire.

He doesn't get any of the feelings associated with romantic desire. - No sparks, no butterflies, no pre-date nerves / anxiety, no giddiness at the sight of someone, etc.

[teagansk]

In the past, I actually thought (though this was not diagnosed or looked into by any doctors), I may actually suffer from love addiction, but now I'm thinking I perhaps have a pattern of forming relationships with aromantics somehow... I'm not certain. It's like I perhaps have a history of having formed relationships in which I felt like my romantic desire was too much for my ex partners. I do feel I'd benefit from professional help for my thinking patterns nonetheless as it just helps having a healthy and objecting viewpoint toward my desires, healthy or unhealthy, because the other mental illnesses can certainly make me worry about if I'm looking at this rationally or not.

You should be proud for recognizing the need for treatment. I usually don't figure out that I need help until I am in really deep over my head. It is crazy that you said you wonder about love addiction. I have often wondered the same about myself. There are lots of different viewpoints for what that is. For anyone else, we are not talking about sex addiction. I have done the checks and I don't fit any of those characteristics (porn, one night stands,cheating, etc). There is a book by Pia Melody about Love Addiction which is suppose to be really good but it focuses on people that make bad choices in their partners which doesn't really fit for me either. What does connect for me are things like going into a relationship too quickly and wanting to say "I love you" very early in a relationship. I desperately seek the comfort (and high) of unconditional love. I recognize it in myself when I observe (through journaling) how I react to different situations. I tend to avoid conflict if I think it will impact my wife's love for me. Crazy question but did you have a significant loss early in your childhood (ages 3-4)? I did. I have read that many love addicted people had loss early in childhood and that can be a root cause for love addiction. I had a professional tell me that she thought I had "relationship OCD." When I am not well, I have a tendency to focus on my relationship. A red flag for my own mental health is when I catch myself daydreaming often about my marriage falling apart. I get obsessive about the problems I face in our marriage and that is a tell tale sign that I need to see someone.

The one thing I have learned from experience is that I am actually best served to have someone as a partner that is not love addicted. I was in a 2 year relationship in college with a sexual person that was also love addicted and it was a nightmare looking back. It was intense and amazing at times but also terrible for both of us long-term. I often think it is as close as I will ever know to what a drug addition might be like. We both became completely codependent on each other. It was the most mentally damaging experience of my life. When I am mentally healthy I often think God joined me with an asexual as my life partner today because I needed someone with the stability that my wife has. My wife has extraordinary emotional stability and that serves me well when I am not healthy. She is 110% loyal to me and doesn't get overly concerned about our relationship when I go off the rails. To be clear, I did not seek out an asexual but I can accept that it might have been divine intervention that joined us. Damn I miss feeling physically desired though.

I am a huge fan of professional therapy and it has benefited me greatly. The one big watchout for us is that most of them do not understand what asexuality is. They have their standard toolbelt which focuses on treating the relationship in an attempt at improving that desire. Some of that is not all bad such as working on communication but some of it can cause more problems them help. Any therapy that focuses specifically at improving your partners physical desire may cause more frustration and disappointment. I find that it helps if we can explain right off the bat that there is no interest in the person with low desire at improving their desire. As long as that is accepted as a fact, therapy can usually progress in a helpful manner.

[AthenaFay]

In the past, I actually thought (though this was not diagnosed or looked into by any doctors), I may actually suffer from love addiction, but now I'm thinking I perhaps have a pattern of forming relationships with aromantics somehow... I'm not certain. It's like I perhaps have a history of having formed relationships in which I felt like my romantic desire was too much for my ex partners. I do feel I'd benefit from professional help for my thinking patterns nonetheless as it just helps having a healthy and objecting viewpoint toward my desires, healthy or unhealthy, because the other mental illnesses can certainly make me worry about if I'm looking at this rationally or not.

You should be proud for recognizing the need for treatment. I usually don't figure out that I need help until I am in really deep over my head. It is crazy that you said you wonder about love addiction. I have often wondered the same about myself. There are lots of different viewpoints for what that is. For anyone else, we are not talking about sex addiction. I have done the checks and I don't fit any of those characteristics (porn, one night stands,cheating, etc). There is a book by Pia Melody about Love Addiction which is suppose to be really good but it focuses on people that make bad choices in their partners which doesn't really fit for me either. What does connect for me are things like going into a relationship too quickly and wanting to say "I love you" very early in a relationship. I desperately seek the comfort (and high) of unconditional love. I recognize it in myself when I observe (through journaling) how I react to different situations. I tend to avoid conflict if I think it will impact my wife's love for me. Crazy question but did you have a significant loss early in your childhood (ages 3-4)? I did. I have read that many love addicted people had loss early in childhood and that can be a root cause for love addiction. I had a professional tell me that she thought I had "relationship OCD." When I am not well, I have a tendency to focus on my relationship. A red flag for my own mental health is when I catch myself daydreaming often about my marriage falling apart. I get obsessive about the problems I face in our marriage and that is a tell tale sign that I need to see someone.

The one thing I have learned from experience is that I am actually best served to have someone as a partner that is not love addicted. I was in a 2 year relationship in college with a sexual person that was also love addicted and it was a nightmare looking back. It was intense and amazing at times but also terrible for both of us long-term. I often think it is as close as I will ever know to what a drug addition might be like. We both became completely codependent on each other. It was the most mentally damaging experience of my life. When I am mentally healthy I often think God joined me with an asexual as my life partner today because I needed someone with the stability that my wife has. My wife has extraordinary emotional stability and that serves me well when I am not healthy. She is 110% loyal to me and doesn't get overly concerned about our relationship when I go off the rails. To be clear, I did not seek out an asexual but I can accept that it might have been divine intervention that joined us. Damn I miss feeling physically desired though.

I am a huge fan of professional therapy and it has benefited me greatly. The one big watchout for us is that most of them do not understand what asexuality is. They have their standard toolbelt which focuses on treating the relationship in an attempt at improving that desire. Some of that is not all bad such as working on communication but some of it can cause more problems them help. Any therapy that focuses specifically at improving your partners physical desire may cause more frustration and disappointment. I find that it helps if we can explain right off the bat that there is no interest in the person with low desire at improving their desire. As long as that is accepted as a fact, therapy can usually progress in a helpful manner.

I'm so sorry this has taken me such a long time to respond to; I've been going through a lot these past few weeks with this new medication and it's side-effects, but I think they are just about becoming a little more bearable lately.

Your response has been massively helpful and insightful to me; I am awed by your experience with the love addicted partner!! I have sometimes fantasized about myself being with another love addict, and how "amazing" it could be, or I guess more specifically, my partner being addicted to me.. which has tied me up in all sorts of knots, because it feels so incredibly wrong. I didn't experience any significant loss in my life from the ages you mentioned, although I do believe that my own overwhelming need for strong romantic and sexual desire stems from not seeing my father very often as a child. Despite the fact that he lived with the family, I saw him infrequently due to his incredibly long work hours (ha... and I also grew up into a woman who craved a man who worked small hours and it didn't bother me one notch if he DIDN'T WORK.. at all.. I would have fallen in love with a homeless, jobless man on the street if only it meant that we bonded and we could love and cherish each other all day... holy crap... now that makes sense).

I have beliefs that my first partner I had when I was just 16, (he was 7 years older than me), was in fact aromantic, and that out of the 4 partners I have ever had, only one of them was romantic (but - possibly asexual!), so I have become very well-versed in repressing my desires - but that hasn't made it any easier at all.

Like you, I also tend to fixate on my romantic relationship; to me, it's been like my sole reason for living. At the worst of my romantic repression "spikes", I just curl up in bed alone and write things, and read the past things I've written about my partner over the years in secret that he doesn't feel, experience, understand or reciprocate, and I romantically fantasize (it's almost like some form of "emotional masturbation" with the climax of actually being overwhelmed by my own repressed desire that comes flooding out), - I mull over these romantic details to the extent I will get butterflies, a lump in my throat, my heart will race, I will sweat, breathe heavily, and the romantic desire completely overwhelms me; I feel "high" and euphoric during those moments, and then after a while, I will cry, cry, and cry it out and usually feel terribly lonely, unwanted and "damned" - and terrified that I will be doomed to a life of never sharing romantic reciprocation.

But. I know, intellectually, that a lack of romantic desire doesn't under any circumstances, mean a lack of love. And love is what I want. I want so much to be happy with this, and find as many ways as possible of preserving this relationship.

[Tarfeather]

Crazy question but did you have a significant loss early in your childhood (ages 3-4)? I did. I have read that many love addicted people had loss early in childhood and that can be a root cause for love addiction.

Yup, same here. That exact age, in fact.

We both became completely codependent on each other.

That's not codependency. Codependency is asymmetric. What you describe is mutual dependency.

I tend to avoid conflict if I think it will impact my wife's love for me.

This can be codependency. A configuration in which you are "altruistic" and take a hit so that your partner doesn't have to deal with their own issues and can continue with their (self-)destructive behaviour. I'm very tempted to do this myself, but I know that if I did, it'd be very bad for both of us.

By the way, for me my "love addiction" is not a particular sign of me being mentally in a bad spot. I constantly desire to actually be loved and desired by someone, and am permanently unhappy with the current configuration. Even when I'm emotionally stable and "content within myself". It's like "Yeah, sure, I can live my life like this, but this isn't really what I want". I've also never in my life had the chance to be loved back by someone who I have strong romantic feelings for, so I'm hesitant to assume that it'd be bad for me.

[AthenaFay]

An update on this situation. - We finally broke up (on very, very good terms - we are still best of friends) in June. There was simply no compromising on this, as I am a highly sexual romantic person who highly prioritizes those things in a relationship. There is just no way I could be with someone who did not feel that kind of desire for me, or wish to share those things with me.

We both feel very good about the break-up, as the friendship we are now left with is a higher quality relationship than that of when we were a couple on account of there are now no issues or difficulties romantically or sexually.

I have learned a lot about myself as a result of this.

[Philip027]

I'd been wondering what became of this!

Glad to hear things got better, one way or another.