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Is it possible to be pansexual, but not lesbian?


MissLunarWolf

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MissLunarWolf

Sorry in advanced for this stupid complicated question. I don't care about labels too much, but I just want to know more about me, and if what I feel is "normal" to some(/any) degree.

Is it possible to be pansexual, but not lesbian?

I'm really confused with everything. I knew since I was young, that I found boys aesthetically attractive, but not sexually attractive. This (in my later teen years) made me wonder if I was gay (because I didn't want to have sex with guys). But I never found girls (sexually or) aesthetically attractive (although I can tell if they're aesthetically "beautiful").

Then I wondered a few days ago... What if I found "the one" (cue: bells, music, lights, :cake: )..

But what if after we became close, and worked at creating this (beautiful and awesome) asexual relationship: they turned out to be transgender. :o *gasp*

I thought about it for a while, but I'd be totally okay with that. ^_^ If I loved them for who they are (and not for what's down there anyways), it shouldn't matter (in theory.. (but then again, me liking boys (in any other way other than aesthetic attractiveness) is also "in theory" but I still might be a Demisexual), but I'll tell you if I ever have a meaningful relationship with anyone :P (maybe it's all the brackets that's leaving me confused) :huh: ).

I thought about how I've always crushed on gay guys ( :( just my luck). Like 98% of the guys I think are cute are gay, (usually the really pretty feminine gay guys). It's less common for me to fall for a straight guy (like recently I squished on Actor Neil Patrick Harris (Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother (cue: awesome song)) but he turned out to be gay TOO :(). I liked hanging out with lesbians because I get along with them (but I never liked them in "that way" (I may want to kiss boys, but never girls)). I think lesbians look "better" than straight(?) girls, maybe??

Is it possible to be turned off by over-sexuallized (for lack of a better word) people?

After writing this, I feel like I "like" people (or find them more aesthetically attractive) when they have a bit of both genders in there outward sexual appearance?? Maybe?? I feel like I'm using the word "attraction" for relationships I think I may be open to, but never experimented with? :wacko:

Am I just looking too far into things? Is it possible to have a "type" like mine, or would it be better to say that I don't have a "type"? Is it normal to feel this way? I feel like (in a huge road-block kind of way) I'm not attracted to anyone (I guess that's part of asexuality), so it's so hard to pinpoint a "type".. Maybe I'm just looking for a type/attraction in a life where I've never felt it?

Sorry for the incoherence... :cake:

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First of all, I would kind of rather you didn't use the word "slutty" to describe women, because it's a sexist and degrading term.

In answer to your question in the title, there's an orientation called polyromantic (or polysexual), which is where you're attracted to people of more than two genders, but not all genders. For example, you could be attracted to everyone except girls.

If you just like guys though (regardless of whether they're transgender or not; transmen are men too) then you could just be hetero-romantic. There's probably some other word for being attracted to androgynous people, or feminine men, but I can't remember what it is.

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WünderBâhr

A few links which might be helpful, from the AVENWiki:

Pansexual

Lesbian

Demisexual

Romantic attraction

Aesthetic attraction

Pansexual (or pan-asexual/pan-romantic) means one is not limited by sex, gender, etc. While frequently thought of as another way to say "all", it isn't exclusively tied to any specific biological sex, gender or gender identity. So, technically, I would say that yes, you can be pan- without being lesbian.

From your post, it also sounds as though your "type" may be androgynous-looking people, in aesthetics.

Sorry I am not able to add much more; my brain is elsewhere, today. Hopefully, you'll be able to find labels you can identify with, should you want to. At any rate, welcome to AVEN. :cake:

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flesh-pocket

if you just think that people of any gender can look pretty, i wouldn't call that pansexual at all. your aesthetic attractions are not part of any orientation on their own. if you could experience ROMANTIC attraction to all genders, then id say u were panromantic.

can you see yourself in a relationship with a girl? not a trans girl or a trans boy, lumping them in with the gender they aren't because of their anatomy is a bad thing to do, and being in a relationship with one doesn't count more 'gay' or 'straight' depending on their anatomy either. so, if a heterosexual girl was dating a trans guy, and the guy was also only attracted to girls, they would both still be straight. and you don't mention ever having feelings for anyone regardless of gender, so i don't see anything pan going on here.

having a preference in looks toward people that break gender stereotypes is just a preference. some straight guys prefer tall girls, some lesbians prefer short. some straight girls prefer masculine men, some feminine. you get the idea. if you do not feel attraction toward a certain gender, by definition you are not pansexual. you sound heteroromantic to me because you don't mention ever crushing on a girl, just liking lesbians' styles.

....in any case the word for experiencing attraction to multiple but not all genders is polysexual and polyromantic. though from what you say it doesn't not sound like your either of those things.

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MissLunarWolf

First of all, I would kind of rather you didn't use the word "slutty" to describe women, because it's a sexist and degrading term.

Sorry, that was thoughtless of me. I've changed it.

Thanks everyone :cake::cake::cake: , I think I've found the answers I was looking for.

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If a woman told me she was pansexual, I would assume that similar to lesbians she is sexually attracted to women. But I would not define her as a lesbian. If I understand correctly, you are more concerned with finding an identity that says you are sexually attracted to everyone but women. It sounds like from other folks that the term for that is polysexual.

If you are talking about being romantically attracted to people, just replace sexual above with romantic. I identify as an asexual lesbian (shorter than saying homo-romantic asexual woman). If I met a woman who told me she was panromantic I would assume that there was a possibility we might be mutually romantically attracted to one another.

Cathy

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You sound straight to me. You like guys, even if they're trans. That you like people who aren't stereotypical in their gendered appearance is pretty normal... i'd be willing to bet most people on AVEN feel the same way... but that really has nothing to do with your orientation. IMO.

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butterflydreams

I wouldn't presume to tell anyone what to do, but it seems to me if looking into an identity or trying to figure out your identity seems too complicated, it probably is. As an engineer, I live and die by keeping things simple. Not for everyone, sure, but something always worth considering. Especially if you're younger. You haven't had lots of experiences yet, let things come out in the wash. If you're attracted to someone, you're attracted to them. If you notice a broad trend, great, maybe something to look into there. Otherwise, maybe just relax and roll with it on a case by case basis.

When I was younger, I assumed I was into girls, and mostly operated that way. But even before understanding anything, I always kind of figured I might be ok with just about anything. Just because it didn't happen at the time didn't mean it never would. Maybe some cute guy would come along. Maybe I'd be into this, or that kind of person. I just didn't know. It's ok to call yourself ____ because it's basically the right ballpark but then still play things by ear as they come along.

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No, Pan means being indifferent of your partner's parts. You can't be Pan and be uninterested because they're fermale. Though if you're romantically attracted to androgynous ppl, and not just androgynous men, then there is Androgynoromantic. Otherwise, androgynous/feminine men is just a preference. Though there is being romantically attracted to feminine ppl; Femromantic. Also, hypothetical theories and reality are two different things. Being romantically accepting of someones transition may be a one time acception thing; like them being "the only woman you'd go gay for." Being hetero-flexable is also a thing.

Aesthetic attraction is not romantic attraction; it may or may not be felt with romantic attraction, but it can also be felt platonically. Attractions can be felt with other attractions; like aesthetic attraction and platonic attraction (a strong desire to know or befriend someone). I assume by saying you can't find women aesthetically attractive but can recognize beauty, you mean you have no fixation on them because of their looks (and or mannerisms) but can recognize what is aesthetically pleasing.

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I'm sort of surprised no-one's mentioned androromantic / androsexual. By some definitions those refer to attraction to the quality or trait of masculinity, in which case they wouldn't fit the original poster; but by others, they simply refer to attraction to anyone who identifies primarily as 'male' / 'masculine', regardless of how feminine he might be, which might actually be an accurate descriptor. So, as Star Bit mentioned, preferring more androgynous and / or feminine men could be a facet of a sexual orientation rather than a whole orientation on its own (at least in some cases -- and this seems like one of those).

Relatedly, I don't believe not-minding-if-someone's-transgender particularly impacts sexual orientation. For example, if you experience attraction towards a man and then find out he's transgender, so what? The attraction was still experienced because he's a man (and the same concept applies to transwomen too, of course). Maybe it's a little different for sexuals (I ... wouldn't know), but for aces at least, not minding if someone's transgender pretty much just means you're not a total asshat of a human being.

^ FoxEars ^

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Maybe it's a little different for sexuals (I ... wouldn't know), but for aces at least, not minding if someone's transgender pretty much just means you're not a total asshat of a human being.

I get what you mean, but this pretty much requires that you fully believed them to actually be that gender before. Some transwomen my brain instinctively categorizes as male, and once that's happened I won't start developing an interest in them. I've got a partner preference, I'm sorry, it's not much different from how I will be unlikely to develop feelings for someone I find unattractive (even if personality matters a lot to me, too).

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Actually, Androromantic did come to mind, but that would still make her hetero. Andro would only be needed if she dislikes the stereotype asociated with hetero or is non-binary and thus does not recognize herself as the opposite of her partner. Which neither seem to apply. Since Andro/Gyno means man/woman, their definitions shouldn't be being attracted to masculinity/femininity, and if someone is then they're just Bi/Pan.

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Maybe it's a little different for sexuals (I ... wouldn't know), but for aces at least, not minding if someone's transgender pretty much just means you're not a total asshat of a human being.

I get what you mean, but this pretty much requires that you fully believed them to actually be that gender before. Some transwomen my brain instinctively categorizes as male, and once that's happened I won't start developing an interest in them. I've got a partner preference, I'm sorry, it's not much different from how I will be unlikely to develop feelings for someone I find unattractive (even if personality matters a lot to me, too).

Yeah -- if you're not attracted to certain transwomen right off the bat, that's a different thing. I was mostly referring to a situation like the original poster described, wherein you already have a partner (presumably, to whom you are attracted), and it is later revealed that he or she is transgender. If that fact alone causes you to lose the attraction you had naturally developed for him / her ... that doesn't say great things about you as a person.

(I'm using the hypothetical 'you' there, by the way, not making any accusations!)

^ FoxEars ^

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