Parents' reactions to coming out

[Setsu]

I told my parents and grandmother, and I got the usual: 'You just gotta find the right one' and 'you don't know what sex is'. They are usually very open to things, but they just wouldn't understand what I was trying to tell them. That it didnt matter who it was, and I had a boyfriend for 2 years (now ex's but great friends) and I never wnted sex with him, I only did it because I thought it was what couples should do. He actually complained about not feeling that I wanted him or enjoyed he act. My parents just decided to ignore it and keep telling me it's a fase and I'll find the right guy one day.


Also my mom thought it was a plant thing and I face/palmed so bad.

[Kuromi Akumura]

mother: It's a phase you will fall in love soon. i see you have allot of male friends i bet one of them is your secret boyfriend.

dad: read the bible, you are confused

sister: you just want attention, you are naive you will marry one day and have s*x.

brother: you should get off the internet and stop thinking you are all these sick things! you are not one of those mentally screwed up trans or gay people! you will have a boyfriend have s*x get married and be normal! you can't have an opinion until you are 18 until then you are a stupid teenager and i know more than you and are more experienced.

Brother in law: after your first time you will change your mind.

one friend: just find someone you feel comfortable with and trust and he will take it gentle and slow, you will enjoy it it feels GREAT~!

other ex friend: YOU WILL HAVE S*X LOVE IT AND CRAVE IT EVER DAY IT WILL AWAKEN YOU AND YOU WON'T BE THIS STUPID PRUDE B*CTH THAT PISSES ALL YOUR FRIENDS OFF MY YOUR STUPID NAIVE CHILDISH "EW GROSS S*X"ATTITUDE! YOU KNOW NOTHING UNTIL YOU HAVE TRIED IT! YOU AREN'T 8 ANYMORE! grow up or else you won't have any friends left

friend from yesterday: how do you know you don't liek it until you experiment. you need to try out allot of people and allot fo different sexual things to awaken yourself, it's human to be sexual it what drives up it is what gives us a meaning to life.

*Head explodes in contemplation* Wow... just... WOW!

Kuromi, you have my utmost sympathies I could ever give.

thank you and yes sadly this is such a norm for me i really wish i could talk to some ace friends...

[Trolley Girl]

thank you and yes sadly this is such a norm for me i really wish i could talk to some ace friends...

No problem. I'm around if you need me. 8)

[Grumpy Alien]

My mom's reaction was "Okay."

[iMatt]

I haven't officially came out, I think, (I never used the asexuality word with family), but both my parents already know I have an aversion to sex and never asked anything when I started using my ring. Actually, they were supportive (I didn't expect this) and even told me "if you ever need to tell us something, feel free to", so I guess they already know something lol

[Blakrana]

Whilst I'm not at all sure how to begin to empathise with how rough people seem to have had it...for what it's worth, sorry to hear it.

I mean, honestly, by comparison my mum is...well, she's pretty much an awesome person.

When I first broached the subject with her, courage finally actually there to do it, she listened and we just...discussed things civilly. Though I suppose it's important that, it was originally her who noted that I consider the idea, per her watching an episode of Big Bang Theory where by Sheldon allegedly consoles Amy that for him, their intellectual closeness was extremely important to him. Whilst I did...consider it roughly, I admitted I lacked context to really say, but I could get the idea.

Few months later, with introspection and some solid evidence to back it, we just...sat down and discussed it. Far as my mum's concerned, she's fine with what me or my siblings are in the orientation front, and the only reservation she has in terms of homosexuality is simply concern of the relating discrimination; otherwise, she's just plain outright supportive of anything and everyone.

"If it's what you feel, it's what you feel."

Granted, she did muse a bit on whether or not there's a causal factor involved in how she raised me, but considering we're both fairly academically minded, trying to figure out the 'why' is a thing we do. For the most part, she's comfortable with the argument that, for me, I just never really cared about that sort of thing and is respectful of my situation.

However, I will admit that, over all, I have only really discussed my asexuality with my close friends other than my mum. So far as the rest of my 'family' go...we spend so little time talking to each other, I don't really know them well enough to consider it worth bothering, to say nothing of my suspicion that, if I were to bring it up with my Aunts...I just suspect they'll turn it into ammunition to use against my mother and to show she 'failed' as a parent.

It is...at present I'm just making sense of it as I go along. But for whatever it's worth, I at least have my mum at my back which...she's the only family member that actually matters anyway, so that's all I need when it comes to home support.

Though it's not like I'm really on speaking terms with the rest of them anyway, but that's just lack of common interests to begin with.

Apologies for going on. I hope I'm not coming across as arrogant with all this.

[~RedArcher]

I was told to "get off my high horse" because apparently "asexual" is just a fancy word for "prude".

Honestly, I would've thought my parents would've preferred me being this way than running around half-naked and pregnant at 17.

I mean, I'm sitting two college courses, studying for an internship, I'm learning a bunch of languages, I have an ambition to pursue a career, I'm a good person with good values, I'm not bringing boys into the house, throwing wild parties or anything stupid like that.

I'm a good child, so why does it matter if I don't want sex? :'(

[Schattenschatz]

I had a very similar experience to the OP. When I was very young, before I even knew anything about sexuality, I remember my mother explaining to me what a lesbian was and telling me that it was alright if I was one. But when I came out to her as asexual, she completely denied that it was a thing. She insisted that I was just afraid of sex, afraid of intimacy, and afraid of the risks involved, so I was lying to myself in order to create an excuse for letting my fear run my life. It actually caused a pretty serious rift between us for multiple years, and I think she only got over it after I was in a relationship, which for awhile she took as me 'proving her right.' Eventually I flat-out told her that it didn't actually prove her right and I was still asexual. Just last year actually, she finally accepted it. She randomly sent me some comic explaining asexuality with the message 'this is good to show to anyone who doesn't understand.' As if she's been understanding all along. I was too relieved to be too annoyed though. :P

[LordCameron]

No offense but you guys all seem to have pretty terrible parents. :> I'm straight and all, but I'm 100% certain my mom would have accepted whatever I turned out to be, whether it be gay, asexual, whatever. Is that so unusual? :o

It's not necessarily a "terrible parent" thing. Imagine spending most of your life hoping you will have grandkids or maybe that someday your child will meet this great person like you did or never did, and then with a few words "I'm asexual, it means I'm not attracted to anyone" your life long dream disappears. It can be a little difficult I'd imagine. Of course, I imagine with thought and education that initial reaction would disappear in most people. Then you must also consider that asexuality, and often homosexuality, is out of a parent's zone of comprehension. And things people don't understand scare them.

So not necessarily awful ;)

And no, I don't think accepting parents is very unusual, though I would hazard a guess at %50 being fairly accepting off the get go, and most people that will reply here are going to be the ones with less than amazing experiences.

And in my own experience my mom said, you just have to meet the one (While I had a girlfriend who I love very much, ouch). Kind of annoying, but she wasn't excepting, just didn't understand.

[Art of Matt Eldritch]

I didn't tell any of my parents right away, I actually talked to my family's doctor about it first. He's a great guy, helped me out a lot with different problems I have. He also advised me to tell my mother first as she's more understanding.

So when I finally did, she had an "ok" reaction. She did bring up that my anti-anxiety pills could've played a hand in it, but I quickly refuted that. Other than that, she's pretty fine with me (and thinks I'm a great guy).

I'm worried about telling my dad though. He did say that If I was gay, he'd love me but not really support me (he believes in that load of BS "hate the sin, love the sinner") so I can figure he'd be disappointed in me if I came out to him and couldn't really give grandkids. He also never really took well to my atheism (I've had to call it "agnostic" for him to still like me and to my mom too just in case).

I've told no one but my mom and doctor, not sure when or how I should come out to friends.

[an indignant hedgepig]

My mom doesn't use the label "bisexual", but I'm pretty sure she is, given the way she talks about other women. She was in the theatre scene in college and has a great many old friends who are gay/lesbian (sorry for theatre stereotype) and she has several clients who are trans. She's very liberal and accepting of LGBTQ+ in general.

Well, when I told her, she kind of coughed a little bit and went "you just haven't found the right person yet." Like hello? I'm in a three-and-a-half year relationship with the only guy I have ever even kissed, the only guy I can even vaguely stand the thought of being with, and the first words out of your mouth are "you haven't found the right person"?! I came right back and told her that this was like telling a gay man he hasn't found the right woman yet, to which she frowned and shrugged. Later she came up to me and said, "Thank you for being you". I still don't know if this was her accepting what I had told her or a passive-aggressive "aww my special snowflake is just going through a phase" thing, but I considered it a successful coming-out in the end, and it hasn't come up since.

[CallMeAnthony]

I have made it abundantly clear to my mom that I have little to no interest in sex or relationships, but all she's said was that it's not a bad thing to be with somebody, and it's normal for people to be attracted to the opposite sex .-. I feel like she would get mad that I was part of the LGBTQIA community, and that, if I was ever in a relationship (which in itself is extremely unlikely) I would prefer to be with a girl.

I'm just glad I have the Internet.

[glutenfreecake]

My mom's exact words to me were "I would understand more if you were a lesbian".

And I was so unprepared for this. My mom is totally fine with gayness and stuff. I even told here about asexuality a while before I came out so I wouldn't have to explain it when I told her and she seemed fine with it. yeah. She knows what it is but she seems to forget everything I've told her about asexuality sometimes. she told me she doesn't want me to pigeon hole myself and that ill probably change my mind later.

She always goes on about how she didn't give me examples of happy relationships when I was younger and that's why I'm not interested in sexual relationships. I haven't explained to her about the difference between sexual orientation and romantic orientation because I'm honestly not sure what my romantic orientation is. I feel that I may be aro (because of my lack of interest in anything other than friendship) I don't want to give her false hope that ill find someone and be regular only to have to explain to her that I won't.

I think she feels that falling in love and getting married and having kids is one of the end goals of life. It's a measurement for happiness and success. Her dislike for my asexuality comes from her wish for me to be happy which is frustrating.

She apologized for being so harsh when I first told her and says she accepts me but every time I remind her I'm asexual she gets this look on her face and I can tell that even though she doesn't hate me, she wishes I were different.