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Parents' reactions to coming out


Absol

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So I hear many mentions of super conservative parents who aren't cool with any form of LGBTA, and then others about parents who are accepting and supportive. I'm wondering, has anyone dealt with parents who are okay with homo- or bisexuality, but not asexuality?

I remember a few years ago at supper with my family, we somehow got on the topic of coming out as gay (just random and hypothetical) and my parents said that they would be totally fine with it, and we shouldn't feel afraid to tell them. When I later realized I was asexual, they did not take it nearly as well. My mom was pretty sure it wasn't a thing, and I couldn't bring myself to tell my dad, so she told him for me (with my permission). He was mad that I didn't tell him, but then also refused to talk about it and would get angry and yell every time I tried to bring it up in later conversations. Again, they both claimed they would be perfectly fine if I was a lesbian... so it seems a bit like a double standard here. :( Has anyone else had a similar experience?

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Autumn Season

Yeah... My mum once asked if my sister is lesbian (since she doesn't have a boyfriend). She looked totally relaxed while asking.

When I told her I'm probably ace she was like "what's that even...". She said I shouldn't worry, I'm "normal", girls my age don't want sex anyway (25 this year) and that she's pretty sure "asexuality" is just something people made up after being bombarded with sexualization in the media...

Definitely not gonna tell my granddad, he wouldn't even try to be understanding.

But my friends are pretty open-minded.

EDIT: Showing (the Russian) AVEN didn't help BTW. But maybe I didn't try hard enough. I don't really wanna talk about my asexuality after receiving the reactions mentioned above.

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AnotherWeasley

I haven't come out to my family explicitly, but I have told my parents and one of my brothers that I'm not interested in relationships and don't understand the concept of romance. Of course, that's more about being aromantic than asexual, but I wanted to start slow and test the waters. My dad treats it as a joke. If I told him, "Hey, Dad, I'm asexual and aromantic" he'd probably say, "It's a phase, you'll get over it." As for my mum, I have no idea. I know that she knows about asexuality (the perks of talking about Sherlock), but I don't know if she thinks that it only applies to high functioning sociopaths.

I'm pretty sure my dad has homophobic tendencies, maybe without realising it. They're both against homosexual couples adopting children, because "a child needs a male and a female role model" (they never did come back to me as to why growing up with a single parent is in any way better), but I think my mum, at least, is okay with gay marriage. I'm not so sure about my dad.

I told my brother that I would probably turn a guy down if he asked me on a date and that I simply wasn't interested in relationships. I'm not sure if he believed me or if showing him Aven would change his mind. I do know, however, that he has no problem with homosexuality. So in that sense, there is a double standard there in his mind, I think. The double standard of "homosexuality exists, asexuality doesn't".

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lalalathisisboring

My mom is the exact opposite lol. She doesn't have a huge problem with homosexuality, but she does think it's gross, so I was expecting a huge backlash when I told her I was ace. She reacted the exact opposite and was extremely supportive and it made me feel so silly for getting so worked up about telling her.

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Yes, unfortunately. My mom is a hardcore lesbian and had been hoping I was LGBT, but when I told her I was ace...

Well, she did what she does best, I guess - become passive aggressive and freaky manipulative. I ended up scrambling back into the closet for three freaking years and adopting a "straight, maybe bi" facade whenever I was in her presence as a result. I do believe it's one of the many reasons we're no longer on speaking terms.

Christ, I despise double standards! And it this case, it's doubly awful. I mean, isn't acceptance the whole point of the LGBT+ movement?

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I haven't come out to my family explicitly, but I have told my parents and one of my brothers that I'm not interested in relationships and don't understand the concept of romance. Of course, that's more about being aromantic than asexual, but I wanted to start slow and test the waters. My dad treats it as a joke. If I told him, "Hey, Dad, I'm asexual and aromantic" he'd probably say, "It's a phase, you'll get over it." As for my mum, I have no idea. I know that she knows about asexuality (the perks of talking about Sherlock), but I don't know if she thinks that it only applies to high functioning sociopaths.

I'm pretty sure my dad has homophobic tendencies, maybe without realising it. They're both against homosexual couples adopting children, because "a child needs a male and a female role model" (they never did come back to me as to why growing up with a single parent is in any way better), but I think my mum, at least, is okay with gay marriage. I'm not so sure about my dad.

My mum says the exact same thing, yet she's a separated parent herself. So does that make me a damaged child because I lost my male role model when I was 11...? When I ask her about that she always says something like "oh our situation is different, we don't count". Our situation might be different but surely that still means we count????

Yes, unfortunately. My mom is a hardcore lesbian and had been hoping I was LGBT, but when I told her I was ace...

Well, she did what she does best, I guess - become passive aggressive and freaky manipulative. I ended up scrambling back into the closet for three freaking years and adopting a "straight, maybe bi" facade whenever I was in her presence as a result. I do believe it's one of the many reasons we're no longer on speaking terms.

Christ, I despise double standards! And it this case, it's doubly awful. I mean, isn't acceptance the whole point of the LGBT+ movement?

That's awful. That really is the definition of a double standard. I bet she would be furious if people told her being a lesbian was "just a phase" and even refused to believe it exists? Crazy.

Anyway, I've said this before somewhere but my mother tells me she'd be supportive but I know perfectly well she wouldn't be. She says things like "of course I'd support you if you were a lesbian......... but you're not, right?" (she's never even heard of asexuality). One of the things that makes me sceptical of what she says is when we had a huge argument about my grades. First it was "I'll support you no matter what your grades and I just want you to know I'm proud of you" but then I came home with straight As except for a B in maths and she went spare!

Not exactly the same thing I know lol, but it does make me wonder how truthful she is about what she says now.

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No offense but you guys all seem to have pretty terrible parents. :> I'm straight and all, but I'm 100% certain my mom would have accepted whatever I turned out to be, whether it be gay, asexual, whatever. Is that so unusual? :o

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NotGojoSatoru

I have sort of come out to my parents.. :unsure: . I told them that I am asexual without using the word "Asexual", they were surprisingly okay with... :) I am sure if I labelled myself it would have been far more difficult. They would have probably blamed the internet... <_<

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Mycroft is Yourcroft

I'm fairly out about my orientation in general, but it's a bit more complicated with my parents. I honestly had no idea how they would take it, so I went the route of 'leaving AVEN open around the house, making plans for a trip to WorldPride17, talking about asexuality, talking about my LGBTQ+-related website activities...

I never properly 'came out' to my parents, but they certainly know about my AVEN activities, my strong knowledge of asexuality, and my aversion to committing to what I would call a traditional, heteronormative relationship. Long story short, they know, but I'm still in the process of trying to encourage more open discussion about LGBTQ+ topics in our family, so we haven't really discussed it properly yet. I came out to my brother and sister a long time ago though.

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Trolley Girl

My mom is one of the most liberal folks you could imagine, so she actually was not surprised in the least when I came out to her when I was 21 or 22 or so. My dad has hinted that he might know, but he really doesn't care. After all, I am 28 years old and never had a girlfriend, or even been on a date for that matter. Plus, with my very busy career in financial services, my extensive music collection of over 1000 CDs, a new 60-gallon fish tank, plus other things, he likely just assumes that there are things far more important to me. So I am golden. 8)

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IceHurricane

My parents were pretty accepting, but my grandfather thinks I'm a lesbian. He keeps saying "Well you've got to like somebody!", "You can come out to me. You don't have to worry, I'll accept you for whoever you are" and how "a pretty girl like me should be going out and gettin' some, guy or girl". He doesn't believe in asexuality. Basically thinks it's nonsense.

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Selasphorus

I'm so sorry a lot of you have such crap stories. Have an internet hug if that's your thing, or tea.

My parents were pretty chill when I told them. I also kinda suspect they're on the spectrum somewhere themselves, so... A lot of my relatives, though, fit the conservative Christian stereotype to some degree, so there's no chance in hell I'm ever telling them.

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Autumn Season

No offense but you guys all seem to have pretty terrible parents. :> I'm straight and all, but I'm 100% certain my mom would have accepted whatever I turned out to be, whether it be gay, asexual, whatever. Is that so unusual? :o

To me it sounds like most of our parents love us and try to protect our happiness the best they can, even if that way is pretty ignorant.

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I told my mom about 2 months ago, but knowing her,she'd probably forget about it. She wasn't against it, but she assumed it was because of my hormones or something. Oh well, at least she wasn't a jerk about it. Maybe I'll tell her again one day, and maybe it'll stick in her memory. I haven't told my dad yet, but I'm a little scared of telling my grandma. She tends to have certain views on romance, and I highly doubt she even knows about asexuality. Considering that I'm happy where I am and probably wouldn't even want a relationship anymore, she'll probably nag to me about it.

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I haven't come out to them yet; my parents told me during a conversation that if I or any of my siblings came out as gay, they'd still love us regardless...but to be honest, I somehow doubt they know what asexual means, which means that if I was to come out I'd not only have the awkwardness of telling them, I'd then have to explain the definition...added to that, I'm questioning as to whether I'm biromantic or not, and I'm not even sure if they know what biromantic/sexual means either...they've certainly never mentioned it. I don't think they'd be mad with me or anything, there's a good chance they'll probably be fully accepting and supportive once I explain...but I worry that they might think I'm just overreacting about not having a boyfriend and not take me seriously. I don't think they'd ever mean that in a cruel or discriminatory way, but I just worry that they might think I'm just being daft or 'hormonal'. That's why I think it might be better for me to wait until I'm a little older before I tell them, because for one thing I'll hopefully be a little more certain myself of my identity (particularly the romantic side, although that could take longer), but also I might have more chance of being taken seriously as an adult, and not just an over-agitated teenager.

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My mom is also ace, so it was easy enough to tell her. Not sure how my dad would react. He doesn't really have a strong grasp of LGBT+ identities past those first four letters (maybe not even that?). I was telling him once how I thought that the GSTA at my school should change its acronym since it doesn't include anything other than gay, straight, and transgender (the a stands for alliance, or allegiance, or something), and he said "isn't that all there is, though?". I don't think he meant it maliciously, I think it was more out of ignorance, but either way I've been hesitant to talk to him about anything LGBT+ related after that.

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Castiel2yy5

Yeah, I have had similar experiences. My parents seem pretty cool with lesbians, gays, bisexuals, etc.My sister even came out to her as pansexual and she had no issue with it. But, when I told my mother I was asexual, she did not believe me. She told me that, since I have never had sex (and don't plan on having it) that I can not know whether or not I actually enjoy having sex. I have tried explaining it on multiple occasions, but she just will not understand at all.

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Colorful6String

I'm afraid to come out to my parents, at least using the words I label myself with... "Asexual, Aromantic, Gender non-conformist (that last one I just figured out)" but they know I'm "just not into" guys (or girls but they wouldn't even think of that as a possibility...), but I honestly don't think they believe I'm not attracted to them. They tell me I'll grow out of it, and give me this look whenever anybody talks about when I'll get married and I say "never" (it's annoying ;-; they look at me as if to say "stop.. ok?").

I'm afraid to try and explain and could never show them AVEN... (they are verrrrry strict about the rules for our internet usage)

My parents are a bit homophobic... it's rare that they'll have a conversation where they say outright homophobic things, but they don't want me to be friends with anybody who identifies as LGBT+ (I'm worried about this school project coming up because my FtM friend may want to meet them and I'm afraid of what they'll say X( ) So if I ever identified as part of that group ._.

I may tell them AFTER I've moved out... which hopefully will be soon...

I was telling him once how I thought that the GSTA at my school should change its acronym since it doesn't include anything other than gay, straight, and transgender (the a stands for alliance, or allegiance, or something), and he said "isn't that all there is, though?". I don't think he meant it maliciously, I think it was more out of ignorance, but either way I've been hesitant to talk to him about anything LGBT+ related after that.

The acronym at my school is GSE (gender sexuality equality)
My parents would kill me if I joined though o-e
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My mum was acting all nice & understanding and open.... but then ruined it by saying that she always thought I should have been tested for autism.... like she decided the 2 were linked. She didn't mean it maliciously but the fact that that's where her mind went and decided that was the only explanation for me to not experience sexual (or romantic) attraction and not see myself in a relationship just.... ugh!

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Autumn Season

My mum was acting all nice & understanding and open.... but then ruined it by saying that she always thought I should have been tested for autism.... like she decided the 2 were linked. She didn't mean it maliciously but the fact that that's where her mind went and decided that was the only explanation for me to not experience sexual (or romantic) attraction and not see myself in a relationship just.... ugh!

That sucks. :/ *hugs*

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My mum was acting all nice & understanding and open.... but then ruined it by saying that she always thought I should have been tested for autism.... like she decided the 2 were linked. She didn't mean it maliciously but the fact that that's where her mind went and decided that was the only explanation for me to not experience sexual (or romantic) attraction and not see myself in a relationship just.... ugh!

That sucks. :/ *hugs*

Thanks. It does kinda suck but it is what it is with her. I'm 28. live on my own and am quite independent so... I guess unlike most people... it doesn't really affect me too much. Just thought it'd be nice to share with her I suppose :/

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It's amazing how some parents react, reading your posts. I'm a firmly believer that parents should be happy that their kids are happy, but sadly that doesn't happen often.

I haven't come out to my parents, but I'm not hiding it either. They know I haven't had a relationship in my whole life and don't really seem bothered by it. My dad even makes jokes sometimes (nothing bad, he's actually funny), so even before realising I was an ACE, I didn't feel bad about it... Maybe that's also why I never felt the need to come out per se.

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SpiritGrove

I have never told my parents. I am worried it will sound too LGBT to them or that they'll think it's just weird. As long as there is no name for it, I feel like they won't care if I am utterly indifferent to being with someone.

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I have yet to tell anyone. I think I may start with my roommate, my therapist, and a select few friends... then consider sharing it with my conservative Christian mother.

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Kuromi Akumura

mother: It's a phase you will fall in love soon. i see you have allot of male friends i bet one of them is your secret boyfriend.
dad: read the bible, you are confused
sister: you just want attention, you are naive you will marry one day and have s*x.
brother: you should get off the internet and stop thinking you are all these sick things! you are not one of those mentally screwed up trans or gay people! you will have a boyfriend have s*x get married and be normal! you can't have an opinion until you are 18 until then you are a stupid teenager and i know more than you and are more experienced.
Brother in law: after your first time you will change your mind.
one friend: just find someone you feel comfortable with and trust and he will take it gentle and slow, you will enjoy it it feels GREAT~!
other ex friend: YOU WILL HAVE S*X LOVE IT AND CRAVE IT EVER DAY IT WILL AWAKEN YOU AND YOU WON'T BE THIS STUPID PRUDE B*CTH THAT PISSES ALL YOUR FRIENDS OFF MY YOUR STUPID NAIVE CHILDISH "EW GROSS S*X"ATTITUDE! YOU KNOW NOTHING UNTIL YOU HAVE TRIED IT! YOU AREN'T 8 ANYMORE! grow up or else you won't have any friends left
friend from yesterday: how do you know you don't liek it until you experiment. you need to try out allot of people and allot fo different sexual things to awaken yourself, it's human to be sexual it what drives up it is what gives us a meaning to life.

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The Strong Force

My mom is more open to the idea of me being gay and just unsure of myself than of being Asexual and comfortable with myself

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Trolley Girl

mother: It's a phase you will fall in love soon. i see you have allot of male friends i bet one of them is your secret boyfriend.

dad: read the bible, you are confused

sister: you just want attention, you are naive you will marry one day and have s*x.

brother: you should get off the internet and stop thinking you are all these sick things! you are not one of those mentally screwed up trans or gay people! you will have a boyfriend have s*x get married and be normal! you can't have an opinion until you are 18 until then you are a stupid teenager and i know more than you and are more experienced.

Brother in law: after your first time you will change your mind.

one friend: just find someone you feel comfortable with and trust and he will take it gentle and slow, you will enjoy it it feels GREAT~!

other ex friend: YOU WILL HAVE S*X LOVE IT AND CRAVE IT EVER DAY IT WILL AWAKEN YOU AND YOU WON'T BE THIS STUPID PRUDE B*CTH THAT PISSES ALL YOUR FRIENDS OFF MY YOUR STUPID NAIVE CHILDISH "EW GROSS S*X"ATTITUDE! YOU KNOW NOTHING UNTIL YOU HAVE TRIED IT! YOU AREN'T 8 ANYMORE! grow up or else you won't have any friends left

friend from yesterday: how do you know you don't liek it until you experiment. you need to try out allot of people and allot fo different sexual things to awaken yourself, it's human to be sexual it what drives up it is what gives us a meaning to life.

*Head explodes in contemplation* :blink: Wow... just... WOW!

Kuromi, you have my utmost sympathies I could ever give.

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My mom laughed at me and i also told i'll never get married/marry someone random cuz i don't care for marriage lol

then i told her i want to be a foster parent or adopt. also i want dozens of animal friends.

my mom is against everything different. she hates all my friend too. there's always something wrong with the way people are to her. I'm a huge supporter of self expression so she disapproves of almost everything i do. i hang out by myself, she tells me to get friends. I have friends, my friends aren't good enough for her. so yeah asexuality is a joke to her but i don't care.

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AnActualAngel

I came out to my mom, because I was fighting with my (now ex) boyfriend (because he couldn't accept that i'm ace), and she pulled out the whole 'late bloomer' speech and that I haven't found the one and all that bs. When I got mad at her because of that, she outright said that she'll never get these phases I go through. I can't even think about coming out to any other family member, because they would outright make fun of me and tease me about it for years. At least some of my friends are more open-minded. :)

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Well, I tried to broach the subject with my mom (why? I have no idea), avoiding labels and simply describing how I might think and feel. I told her that maybe, just maybe, I think about sex differently than other people (based on the impressions I've gathered), and don't want it nearly as badly. The results were expected.

1. "It's okay. When you find 'the one', you'll know."
(Well, I haven't ruled out "the one" as a possibility, but it's merely hypothetical. And I don't base my identity on the hypothetical.)

2. "Well, people care too much about sex anyway. Sex is far from a stable foundation for a lasting relationship. It's important to find other reasons to love people."
(Better. This sounds like something I would have said before I knew what the asexuality spectrum was.)

I figured that she wouldn't mind at all as long as I'm not homosexual (I wish I didn't have to say that). Then again, I did leave out the part about me finding people of all genders aesthetically appealing. :mellow:

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