Did you ever 'choose' a crush because you thought it was the normal thing to do?

[RatherBeReading]

Looking back, there have been indications of my asexuality since I was very young. I distinctly remember being in the first grade, and a lot of the other kids were getting 'crushes' on other kids, and I was seeing stuff like that on TV as well. So I thought 'Hmm. Looks like a crush is something I need to have, because everyone does it!' So I picked the most aesthetically pleasing boy to me in my class and dubbed him my crush. The same thing happened years later with another guy, and I even ended up dating the guy, but we never went further than a peck on the lips and holding hands.

I was just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience, consciously choosing to 'like' someone because it's considered the normal thing to do, even though you don't really feel it.

I think this says a lot about the ways socialisation and the media can control our behaviour if we are shown one way of life as the ideal. Similar things have happened to me because of this. For example, stories like Cinderella and the like made me believe that I had to hate my step-mother because they are inherently evil or some such nonsense. I was so baffled when I realised she is a totally lovely person who doesn't hate children, because there are so few stories for kids that portray step-parents in a positive way.

Thoughts?

[~RedArcher]

This is actually incredibly normal xD I did it once.

I was about..oooh...11/12? At that age romance and boyfriends were the new "trendy" thing so at the time, my best guy friend randomly became my crush simply because we hung out together xD

At that age, it wasn't dating as we adults do, it was holding hands at playtime, telling people we were boy/girlfriend and eating lunch together. Everybody at my school went through that phase and sometimes it lasted a long time. We lasted a month or so xD

When I got older, I was about 16 when I next had the opportunity to date but that's when kissing became a thing and when I realised that this was not what I wanted. While everyone else in school still dated random people, I was in the corner freaking out xD I felt like an alien amongst all the dating people, but relationships are SCARY for me so I never forced a crush because was always tethered by my fears.

So yes, it's normal and happens at any, mostly young, age ^^

The important thing is though, that we all understand our limits even as children, because it's going to happen somewhere, and stick to our guns, do what makes us happy :)

[Archon]

Yeah I totally did that! When I was about 12, I thought I had a crush on this one aesthetically attractive boy. I now know that I was just picking someone to have a crush on because that was the normal thing to do, like you said. I didn't even know him or care for him at all, really.

I also had squishes (platonic crushes) on several fictional characters and misunderstood that feeling as having a crush.

[Ace of Cakes]

YES YES YES YES YES. For the longest time I didn't realize that I was different, so I just assumed others were choosing their crushes as well. I'm demiromantic which probably played into the fact that I didn't have my first actual crush until about halfway through high school, but all the way up until then, I don't think I really thought crushes were as real as they are. So I'd just go, Hm, Bob seems like a nice guy. And he's smart. So in theory, he seems like he'd be a good guy to like. I'll have a crush on him. I never brought up that I had a crush, because it seemed foolish, but it made for a nice change from replying, "No, I don't like anyone" at all the sleepovers. You can only say that a few times before people think you're lying. Of course, I figured if they said I had to like someone, they must be right, so I'd have to choose someone to like!

[Lydian]

I did that in grade school too. I picked one boy because we square danced together and that seemed like a reason to like someone to my younger self lol. Then I wound up 'liking' another boy I thought was cute, but eventually I grew up a bit more and stopped doing that and just sort of never liked anybody. Or so I thought....I actually had a crush on someone after that but didn't realize it was a crush because I assumed I was straight at the time >>;;

[RatherBeReading]

Haha it's so great to hear these stories from all over the world, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who did that! I totally understand that feeling of not thinking crushes were real, as if everyone was just choosing them too. And I'm sure a lot of us have had real ones as well as the chosen,made-up ones, and some haven't, as you guys have said. I have definitely had some real ones too, but they've quickly passed. I think, for me at least, it's very much a 'Ooh that person is nice to me! I like the way they make me feel about myself!' and therefore fixating on them a smidge and getting a crush/squish. Is that roughly what it is for the rest of ya?

[SkyWorld]

Yes, I totally did that one time. In 7th grade, I was in this volleyball practice thing (it wasn't try-outs), and me and some other people were in a circle getting to know each other. The subject went to boyfriends and crushes, when it was my turn and they asked if I had a boyfriend (after literally everyone said they did), I lied and said yes. I came up with a common guy name and just said that he didn't go to this school.

There was also another incident when someone asked me who my crush was (and I was new to the school, I barely knew anyone). I mentioned that, and she didn't didn't believe me. So, I just told a random guy in my class because he seemed be okay. *shrugs*

[Guest]

Yeah. I didn't get aesthetic appeal (I still don't) or crushes, but everyone else was crushing on N'Sync and Backstreet Boys when I was 13. So, I kinda felt like I should follow suit and maybe I would actually get it if I acted like they did. I mean, I did like their music (hey I was 13 :lol: ) ... and some of them seemed nice. So, I put up their posters and I remember I would just stare at it and think "OK. What exactly is attractive about these people? The Brian guy seems like he is nice, he smiles a lot and takes care of his mom... but I don't think that's it cause why a poster if so? Hmm..." But, I mentioned not finding people physically attractive to my family once in a discussion (cause I totally didn't get why being 300lbs would be a deal breaker based on looks...) and they called me a liar, so I just kept it to myself. Fake it til you make it didn't work for me though, I still don't find people attractive and I don't really "crush" (even though I am romantic, it's like... friend to actual boyfriend not really crushing)

[RatherBeReading]

Hey there's no shame in liking the music, I'm not afraid to say I regularly blast N'Sync in my car even today! Haha but yeah I totally understand that feeling of looking at a celebrity and almost scientifically picking apart their qualities to try and figure out why people go so crazy over them. I had a similar but kind of opposite experience with posters - my dad took my brother and I poster shopping and I picked out one of a Latina singer (I think it was Jennifer Lopez or someone similar) in quite a sexualised position and wearing very little - but I made no kind of connection between that poster and anything sexual until I was much older and understood certain visual connotations. To me it was just a woman I admired hanging out on the beach, and that's why I liked it. (My brother got something with skulls and dragons on it because he was like 12, in case you were wondering if he got something similar but for sexual reasons. I have suspicions that he may be ace as well.)

[elainetta]

Yes.

A lot of it turned into romantic stories in my head, but I never went further with a school-age "crush" than looking at them far too often during class and letting them copy my worksheets... not tests though. Outside of that, I wasn't really even friends with any of them. [which is probably why they stayed as they were.]

Tried it a couple times with celebrities, because everyone had celebrity crushes, too... and it was weird, to say the least.

I think it was because I didn't know what I was supposed to be feeling. So I couldn't tell if they were actual crushes or not.

[Philip027]

Nope. I can't fake my way out of a wet paper bag, nor was I ever inclined to do so.

[Star Bit]

Thats how i was when i was five. I only remember one, but i aparently had a few in kindergarten once the first one moved away. I wonder if thats how kid crushes normally are. I remember thinking teehee, he's being nice to me, and since girls like guys that means i romantically like him.

[RatherBeReading]

I wonder if thats how kid crushes normally are. I remember thinking teehee, he's being nice to me, and since girls like guys that means i romantically like him.

That's definitely how I remember it being as a kid, and even on some level today! There was a guy I worked with last summer who I got really into (perhaps a little more than an asexual typically would!) because he was just so nice to me, and it contrasted so nicely with my boyfriend being a jerk at the time hahaa.

[shockkkk]

Yes, playing truth or dare in elementary/middle school.

[Peachyy]

YES.

I would actually get "crushes" on all the people my friends had crushes on, so I had something to talk about with them, basically mimicking what they said and twisting it. I did this without realizing it and then later on would catch myself creating crushes by stereotypes. Ex: in high school I was a bit alternative, and so when the other alternatives would interact with me, i thought these were the people I was supposed to have a crush on--so I just did but when these people then had an interest in me (I never flirted or anything, it was purely gossip for friends), I felt absolutely disgusted with myself. I suppose I do get crushes, but it's platonic and more about friendship/companionship, not romantic/sexual ( the idea is similar but completely obscured compared to the popularized idea).

[Hooded_Crow]

I would be incapable of faking a crush. And I remember back in school being totally irked when people thought I had one. Like, someone would say "you like him!" And I'd be like "what? No!"

This one time, I was in class and thinking about something else and my teacher suddenly said "alors, Gwendoline, amoureuse?" Which is to say: "so Gwendoline, in love, are we?" And I blushed bright red. Not because I was in love. Because she thought I was.

[Kazu]

I didn't understand the difference between aesthetic and romantic attraction back when I was younger so I thought they were same but looking back on it I pretty much was choosing who I had "crushes" on. I just thought "hey their face is kinda nice and they have a good personality so I guess this means I have a crush on them--ok cool" Then a couple years later it dawned on me that I wasn't "liking" the people who I thought I had a crush in the same way my classmates were liking their crushes.

[Holy Ghost]

I did that in junior high although i wasn't interested in guys. I think it was because i wanted to fit in

[Orchid]

I had this dream about a girl in my class when I was in Year 8 (12-13 years) where we were all in the changing rooms getting ready for PE and she took off her shirt to reveal she had a guy's chest?? Like, not that she was flat-chested or an actual boy, just that she had a boy's chest?

And I'd never experienced having (and still haven't, I don't think) a crush before but I'd heard that people dream about their crushes all the time so I decided that it must mean I had a crush on this girl. And I managed to freak myself out because I was trying to think if that made me a lesbian for having a crush on a girl or if I was straight because technically she'd had a boy's chest...... (I was an uneducated 12 year old ok :( It makes me laugh thinking back now.)

[RatherBeReading]

Haha Orchid that definitely sounds like what anyone would do in Year 8, that's a crazy age filled with ridiculous anxieties. It's strange that the things that seem life-and-death important to us at that age just seem so laughable when we grow up. I look back at some of the things I worried about at that age and I wonder if I was crazy haha.

[RHD95]

I did get crushes at that age but they weren't frequent, when asked "who do you like" or "who do you have a crush on" and said no one (at the moment) they didn't believe me, so after insisting so much I just had to pick a random girl as a fake crush just so they stopped bothering me already. Not a good idea in retrospective as it eventually backfired on me, people can be a pain at that age .

With boys there was also the "who would you f*ck" question, which was even more awkward. I was confused at the time so I just answered based on aesthetic attraction hoping I could get away, I could already tell my attraction was different from others' as I didn't fantasize nor wanted to do "things in bed", for me it was looks and nothing else. It was so awkward I avoided sex talks as much as I could from that moment on.

[Angeliss]

I managed to morph a squish into a crush. It took a lot of time consciously obsessing and telling myself I was falling in love. We ended up dating, but I lost the little happy bubbly feelings of "love" pretty quick, because they weren't real. I was a senior in high school at the time.

[SMW22792]

I think the crushes I had as a child were actually squishes. I never took an interest in dating, however, I was approached twice about dating, and both times I said yes. Not recently though. Both instances happened when I was ten, and fifteen respectively. I didn't grasp the concept of dating, but I said yes because that's what I thought people expected from me. Both relationships did end on a good note, but they ended because I didn't understand what, "taking the relationship to another level," meant. A few years after the most recent relationship was when I started to realize the way I thought about sex is different then most.

[Fire & Rain]

No but instead I asked myself this question for years, "why the hell is everyone around me so unattractive? Am I that picky?" LOL

[clovergirl]

I did this when I was younger in elementary/middle school. Everyone seemed to have someone they liked so I would pretend to like people. The one I remember the most was a singer from some boy band. I use to listen to there music all the time. My mom asked me if I liked him and I said yes even though I didn't know what she was talking about. I also pretended to like a boy in middle school. He was a new student at the time and I liked the look of his hair. When I told a friend I liked him she said I know don't you want to kiss him. I did not want to kiss him or doing anything even close to that but I agreed anyways.

[cheeringselenator]

I had crushes but I always embellished them and made it seem bigger than it actually was to fit in with my friends. I guess they were more squishes... But when I was in middle school my friends and I had this notebook that we passed around and we would write about our crushes. I literally just picked a boy in my church to say I had a crush on.

[Princess_Rhaella_Stark]

when I was 13, I thought I was having my first crush on this guy called Dara (looking back I never thought about kissing or doing anything physical with him. I simply liked being around him as a friend) I don't remember being impressed by his looks or general appearance. I just liked him in a friendly way.

Since then, I've never truthfully had another crush, male or female. Heck, I cant even describe what a crush is and how it feels to people. I need to refer to either to clichés or to the experiences of other people in order to attempt to describe it.

Its just never happened, not on people I know, not on fictional characters, not on celebrities, literally no one. No has ever appealed to me romantically.

When I was younger, I often mentioned how handsome certain men were ( Michael Fassbender). It was like a vague defensive mechanism and I only ever used it sparingly and with muted enthusiasm. it felt really deceitful in a way.

I was always aware that not having a crush was NOT normal and it often occupied my thoughts.

[Guest Lady.Lizard]

Looking back, there have been indications of my asexuality since I was very young. I distinctly remember being in the first grade, and a lot of the other kids were getting 'crushes' on other kids, and I was seeing stuff like that on TV as well. So I thought 'Hmm. Looks like a crush is something I need to have, because everyone does it!' So I picked the most aesthetically pleasing boy to me in my class and dubbed him my crush. The same thing happened years later with another guy, and I even ended up dating the guy, but we never went further than a peck on the lips and holding hands.

I was just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience, consciously choosing to 'like' someone because it's considered the normal thing to do, even though you don't really feel it.

I think this says a lot about the ways socialisation and the media can control our behaviour if we are shown one way of life as the ideal. Similar things have happened to me because of this. For example, stories like Cinderella and the like made me believe that I had to hate my step-mother because they are inherently evil or some such nonsense. I was so baffled when I realised she is a totally lovely person who doesn't hate children, because there are so few stories for kids that portray step-parents in a positive way.

Thoughts?

Good grief did I do that...like a million times. :/

It always got too complex for me and I'd have to duck out, pretend to fall out or tell the guy I was ace (it only got as far as semi-dating the one time..so not as bad as it could have been)

I definitely felt that there was pressure to act like the other girls in my class (all girls school so from yr8 onwards all the talk in base rooms was about boys and penises etc etc)

Now I'm older and I try not to do it, but society doesn't exactly help, and there seems to be shame for being single. Even though I've tried to have a proper relationship with a sexual who knew I was ace, but he couldn't cope with not having sex, and I had a panic every time he tried to initiate it and I'm now out of the relationship and know it was the right thing to leave the relationship, I feel ashamed at being single. Despite my sexuality. And I think that is something society needs to learn about.

[Capslock Cadet]

Hell yeah. Although, I went to school with the same class 'til college, so I had the same dude I could claim to have a crush on. Like, he was a real sweet guy, but I was never romantically interested in him. Seemed like the right thing to do though, to have that one person to refer to when people asked.

[Grant]

I have done this numerous times. It really annoyed my 2 closest when it came out that I was ace... They got prettttty bummed out that all of their making me stay up until 12 o clock at night whilst giving dating advice was a total waste of time. Little did they realize that the entire time they were telling me how to valiantly ask my "crush" for a date I was sitting there watching some anime and halfheartedly replying to their master schemes. hahaha xD