Explaining Asexuality to Someone?

[TaminSweets]

I recently had someone jump to the conclusion that my black ring I wear on my hand, had something to do with representing my sexuality. Now they wont stop guessing what it could be even polyamory which that's not even an orientation technically. They said they just want to educate themselves and it wouldn't matter what it is.The thing is they don't know there's a difference between romantic orientation and sexual orientation so they'd never figure it out most likely.....

How do you explain Asexuality to someone? What should I do?

Would they even accept and understand a lack of sexual attraction?

[boxed toast]

Possibly, but you can't really know what they'll say until you try.

[Jenovia]

I found a photo that said "For asexuals, sex is like...a donut. When we see a donut, we do not have the urge to eat the donut. This does not necessarily mean we hate the donut, or think the donut is disgusting-- many of us even like donuts. But we never have any urge to walk over there and eat it."

I don't know, I found it amusing and it made sense.

[The 50-Year-Old Virgin]

Are you talking about explaining it to a potential romantic partner, or to someone else?

When I was still dating (in my teens and 20s), I just told my romantic partners that I was a virgin and wasn't ready to change that, and made sure that was OK with them before anything got serious. I'm also a religious person, so it was easy to say that I believed sex was only for marriage, which is certainly an accurate expression of my opinion but not the only reason I wasn't ready for sex. But I stopped dating in my 20s because "virgin not ready for sex" sounds silly when you're over 30.

As for anyone else... I never felt a need to explain anything to anyone. My close friends know that I don't date, and that this is my choice. In fact, I laugh at their stories about bad dating experiences and say things like, "see, this is why I don't date," or "it's always nice to be reminded that I'm not missing anything." I honestly have no idea what my friends think about my sexuality, and don't much care. They're probably happy not to have to compete with me. ^_^ My co-workers know I'm not married, and I never talk about dating or relationships with them. They may just think I'm private about it. Again, not really much concerned about what they think.

[.,.]

haha, ask em to google it :p

[Absol]

If they truly want to educate themselves, I think that's pretty awesome, because they are starting off open-minded! Don't feel that you have to explain it if you aren't comfortable, but if you want to them this could be a great opportunity to test the waters, so to speak. Just tell them what you know about asexuality (that it is an orientation where one does not experience sexual attraction), and explain romantic orientations and see what they say. Just imagine they are another AVENite looking for clarification, and if you don't know what to say then look at other posts for examples. You could even refer them to AVEN if you don't want to talk about it in person to them.

[Autumn Season]

I find it easier to explain my feelings and experiences than the term of asexuality. If I do mention being asexual that's after I already said I'm not interested in sexual activities and gained acceptance on that basis.

[DigitalBookDust]

I say bluntly that my black ring is an ace pride ring and that it signifies that I'm asexual by orientation. If the person wants to know more, I explain that it means that I am not sexually attracted to ANYONE and even tell them about being aro and agender as well. I also tell them to google "asexuality" to bring up AVEN and other sites for more information. Knowledge is power; share it!

[dissolved]

I don't tend to use the word "asexuality" because people generally don't understand. I simply say I'm not attracted to people (or anything for that matter) in a sexual manner. Often I then need to differentiate between sexual and romantic attraction, and assure them that behaviour doesn't reflect/dictate sexuality, and maybe use an example. Most people are understanding once I've explained, but of course there are those that tell me I'm gay and in denial, or similar.

[FoxEars]

Things I think are generally important to emphasise to someone when coming out:

• That asexuals do not experience sexual attraction. Duh.
  • If you're demi or grey, you may find it better to explain it as 'I don't experience sexual attraction the way heterosexual* people do'. * If you think the person you're talking to can handle it, you may want to substitute in the sexual version of whatever your romantic orientation is. For example, if you're homoromantic and the person you're coming out to knows that, it might be more clear to say 'I don't experience sexual attraction the way other gay people do'. If you're aromantic -- well, if you've already come out as aro to this person, you could pretty much just say 'remember that whole thing about how I don't experience romantic attraction? Yeah, same goes for sexual attraction'. If you're not out as aro, I recommend just explaining your sexuality in terms of heterosexuals -- go back to the 'I don't experience sexual attraction the way heterosexual people do' model. I don't approve of heteronormativity, and I don't want you to encourage it -- but in cases like this, you may as well take advantage of it.)
• That attraction is not the same thing as libido. If you're not comfortable doing so, you shouldn't feel any obligation to get into where you personally land on the libido scale; just supply this as a general fact. The reasons for bringing this up are twofold: firstly, it's just important to promote awareness and understanding of what asexuality is; and secondly, this is a good way to deflect those annoying 'health concerns' anti-aces often bring up.
• That sexual attraction and romantic attraction are not the same thing. Even though they're often very closely linked for sexuals. (If you want to come out as ace and aro at the same time, though, this would be a good place to do so.)
• That sexual attraction and aesthetic attraction are not the same thing. Aces can still find people attractive. We just don't connect that to a desire for sex with them. Or with anyone else, for that matter.
• That nothing made asexuals asexual. This has a few important subpoints:
  • That asexuality is not a choice; it is not the same as absintence / celibacy. Someone isn't asexual because they choose not to have sex. There are plenty of abstinent / celibate sexuals in the world; they are not asexual. And the reverse of that: someone doesn't necessarily choose not to have sex just because they're asexuals. Asexuals probably don't get as much out of sex as sexuals do, but that doesn't stop (all of) us!
  • That asexuality is not a defense mechanism / reaction to past sexual abuse. For sure, people who have been sexually and / or otherwise physically abused may become -- permanently or temporarily -- averse to sexual activity; but that's not the same as being asexual.
  • That asexuality is not the symptom of any medical condition. That's (sometimes) decrease in libido. Which is a different thing. We've established this already.
• The other things that are necessary to bring up will vary by individual. For some people, it may be most beneficial to provide a full, in-depth description of the asexual spectrum, and then to explain where on that you fall; with others, the extra information may only serve to confuse them and is probably best withheld. (Of course, if they ask questions, you should answer them as best as possible; but it may be best not to offer details that don't apply to you.)

^ FoxEars ^

[Peachyy]

• "Google it"
• There is such as a thing as aesthetic attraction, where you find people attractive, but in the same way you like looking at a flower in bloom. There's emotional attraction, where you enjoy someones personality. And for any of those reasons, you may want to be around someone, an asexual doesn't have an automatic connection to sex for those interests. Liking someones appearance doesn't = sex; Strongly enjoying or having romantic feelings for someone doesn't = sex; Friendships with any gender doesn't = sex.
• It's not the same as celibacy or abstinence, because both of those are choices made by sexuals despite wanting. An asexual has no desire and therefore nothing to abstain from, keep from, or wait for.
• Asexuality can be linked to low libido, but there are just as many asexuals who have a high libido or "normal libido. Some asexuals may self-pleasure, some wont (because you won't die if you don't masturbate). Some asexuals are highly repulsed or disturbed by nudity, sex, or anything relating to bodies or bodily functions (not always all at once), but again, there are asexuals who have no problem with nudity, sex (that they are not involved), or bodily functions.
• Some asexuals may have had a traumatizing experience involving sex, thus causing them to be repulsed and disinterested permanently. This is valid, though always up for debate, what matter is how someone identifies themself. There are asexuals who have no negative/abusive/traumatizing experiences with sex, and were simply born with a natural non-attraction. This is valid.
• Some asexuals have sex willingly to please their partner (s), as there are many asexuals who have romantic attraction (love) and sensual intimacy. Asexuality doesn't mean that someone cannot have sex, it means that they don't have a primary or secondary sexual attraction to human beings. An asexual body can still respond to stimulus (some asexuals masturbate, remember) and whether or not an sexual will pleasure their partner varies to their personal comfort levels.
• Asexuality is not a mental disorder, and nor is it rare.
• Sexuality is fluid, but for an asexual (or anyone who may be hetero, homo,...) the river can run very still and some people come closer to the opposite bank that others. For an asexual (hetero, homo,..) they may never even see the other side of the river and their sexuality may be almost concrete, whereas others may sometimes drift close enough to touch sand depending on the current.
• Etc.

Some people will never understand or accept asexuality. For certain peoples, asexuality can be compared to homosexuality in that many cannot grasp the idea of being in a romantic situation (or non, is someone is aro) where there is no possibility of reproduction. Aka: "That's unnatural". For homosexuality, people opposed may dread "how homo's have sex", but for asexuality, the idea of NO SEX has never been on their plate. It can seem unfathomable for a culture so heavily consumed by sex, whether they're demonizing it or talking about it relentlessly. I'm only using homosexuality as something to relate it to, as most sexuality that don't get much spotlight can seem ghost-like. It may be unreal, perhaps unbelievable to whomever you introduce it to, and your best response to that is: "if you don't understand something, then research it". If they cannot accept you, at least try and influence them to read up on it so that disinformation is not spread. Always counter them and pressure them to tell you what they know about asexuality; where they learned this, how long they've known about it, and how they first heard of it. If someone is going off an opinion, a thought they cultivated in the air of mystery, they will not be proud admitting to it. Be sympathetic enough to understand that they will probably not be as knowledgeable as you are, but don't let them walk away without you correcting their misconceptions.

I don't support the idea of coming out because I don't see any sexuality as being out of the ordinary. We know that being hetero is not the default, and nothing is. If an indirect sexual question is posed, I indirectly pose the response of "eh". No one has ever directly asked me about my sexuality and so I have had no reason to directly tell them about it. I don't fully understand my sexual or romantic identity, in terms of explaining it, but it comes down to how I feel about something--and I don't necessarily think it all needs to be put in words, mainly, because it can't be. I don't know why I don't really have sexual or romantic attraction, but I've never been hurt by this.

As always, it's important to be blunt with people and if they ask a question that you can't answer, ask them the same thing--I bet their answer isn't too great to some of the things they ask. And don't feel pressured to answer something that feels invasive, either. Point being: if you say you don't want sex, a respectful person doesn't need a long answer why, because they should respect you. All the many questions someone may have about asexuality can be found on the internet (like Aven) and people thinking they need to ask their one asexual/homosexual/bisexual/pansexual/etc friend all the things that might pop into their head, is ridiculous. Not only is it insensitive to treat a person like a dictionary, they shouldn't take the experiences of one person as the experiences of all the people out there.

So I conclude: tell them as much as you can and want, and then suggest them to search around the web for a more extensive understanding.