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How do asexuals who like sex choose their sexual partners?


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I've just been really curious. I'm assuming that if you're already in a romantic relationship with someone then that would (most likely?) be your sexual partner. But what about asexuals that do it just for the fun of it? How do you choose who you'll have sex with?

I'm sorry if I'm coming across as ignorant. Check me if I am! (:

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Ricecream-man

I'm confused. Can you explain a bit more in depth about asexuals having sex for the fun of it?

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I'm confused. Can you explain a bit more in depth about asexuals having sex for the fun of it?

It is possible to enjoy sex without experiencing sexual attraction to anyone. Desire for sex and attraction to particular people are different things. Someone who desires sex but does not experience attraction can identify as cupiosexual, which is an identity on the asexual spectrum. (The opposite of this is a lithsexual person, who experiences attraction without desire. A lithsexual person is also on the asexual spectrum.)

I honestly have no idea how aces who like sex choose their sexual partners, and I'm curious too. I would guess that they often choose people they are emotionally close to, but I don't know. One thing I am certain of though is that every individual is different, and I'm sure there are big differences even among aces who like sex. So different individuals will certainly have different selection preferences.

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I've never heard of cupiosexuals or lithsexuals so thanks for those new terms. I guess I would just have to hear it from a cupiosexual then.

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Ricecream-man

I'm confused. Can you explain a bit more in depth about asexuals having sex for the fun of it?

It is possible to enjoy sex without experiencing sexual attraction to anyone. Desire for sex and attraction to particular people are different things. Someone who desires sex but does not experience attraction can identify as cupiosexual, which is an identity on the asexual spectrum. (The opposite of this is a lithsexual person, who experiences attraction without desire. A lithsexual person is also on the asexual spectrum.)

I honestly have no idea how aces who like sex choose their sexual partners, and I'm curious too. I would guess that they often choose people they are emotionally close to, but I don't know. One thing I am certain of though is that every individual is different, and I'm sure there are big differences even among aces who like sex. So different individuals will certainly have different selection preferences.

I guess I'm still confused as to that definition. Would you be okay with my PMing you to try and has it out so as not to derail the thread?

I always though cupiosexual was desiring sex theoretically while avoiding it in reality.

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I honestly have no idea how aces who like sex choose their sexual partners, and I'm curious too.

One would assume the exact same way sexuals choose their sexual partners. TBH, I find the use of the word "choose" borderline offensive because it makes it sound like we flip thru catalogs, but whatever.

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Imagine what it feels like to feel sexual attraction to someone, following which or coupled with it (I don't actually know) is sexual desire; now think about the sexual desire, but remove the person from the equation--pretend that the feeling was inspired without other people entering the picture, like it boiled up inside you, but when you look at others, there's nothing about them that you can really connect in a meaningful way to your desire to have sex. Theoretically, you could have sex with anyone, so how do you choose when you lack the inner compass that sexual attraction provides? In this case, it may very well be like flipping through a catalogue--or more so than if sexual attraction were part of the picture. Maybe one would choose based on personality; do you want to like or not like the person? Maybe one can choose based on aesthetic qualities. Maybe a particular gender is more appealing for some reason other than attraction. Among all the various possible factors, which should take precedence? The considerations and answers to various questions are not obvious and are highly individual.

Occasionally, I think to myself, gee maybe I should go try sex again with someone, but it really loses steam quickly when I re-realize that there's no one I can imagine specifically wanting to have sex with. I'm not exactly the type of person the OP is talking about--I don't really feel desire for partnered sex and interpersonal complications related to my sexual orientation (I think, anyway) have made it an unenjoyable activity, but I hope I've sketched out a helpful picture.

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binary suns

I honestly have no idea how aces who like sex choose their sexual partners, and I'm curious too.

One would assume the exact same way sexuals choose their sexual partners. TBH, I find the use of the word "choose" borderline offensive because it makes it sound like we flip thru catalogs, but whatever.

I've used the word "choose" myself and will probably keep doing so - it's a reflection of my experience, not a reflection of my perception of yours. When I look at people I know and think, "I need to figure out how I'm gonna be with somebody someday" I feel overwhelmed. There is no attraction I feel for people, and while sometimes I start to get to know someone that I start to get close to them and theoretically that can get me in a partnership someday, because I am aro/ace I actually get more uncomfortable about that prospect with people I'm close with than with strangers. So (me) like it or not, it feels like someday I'm gonna have to pick someone and say "Well it's gotta be someone so how about this person" and so I use the word "choose", and yes it feels uncomfortable thinking that way, but what else am I supposed to do? I say "choose" because I feel lost, and in my experience with other things in life choosing something or making some decision brings me comfort..

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scarletlatitude

I agree that it's not any different than how a sexual person selects a partner. We all have preferences. We all have a certain level of intimacy and romance that we are cool with. So we just select a person who goes with what we need.

It is true that sometimes your needs are more emm... specific... than other people's needs. I, for example, am a demisexual, sapiosexual, agender, biromantic so... :P

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littlepersonparadox

I think everyone sexual or asexual chooses or picks their partners based on personal needs or factors. Even for sexuals sexual attraction isn't a end all or be all. Some prefer someone who's going to be gentle to to the touch while others want ruff play. I am asexual who doesn't have sexual attraction or sexual desire, but I do have partners for sexual gratification because even though people doing stuff on me is something I don't get anything out of, doing things on other people gives me a strong emotional reward if it's something that they wanted and asked for. So I'd seek out partners personally that want to be sexually touched/done stuff to , but someone who also takes control and directs me to what they want/need sexually. They'd also have to be ok returning it with little to no sexuall touching on me but lots of sensual foreplay. That's just my partner criteria. Everyone has their own.

Also I prefer saying choose because otherwise it sounds like something I'm not in control of for myself and lose ownership of how my sex life plays out.

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Spectre/Ex/Machina

I select for :

Intellectual , I am sapiosensual. Sensuality is important for getting me to relax and get comfortable with touching.

Partnering wise, not jealous because I am poly but also willing to be patient and not rush me to feel romantic, because Im demi-rom. I tend to have multiple partners, it just sort of happens that way usually. They tend to also meet different intimacy needs.

Lastly, yet still as important, persons who are open-minded about my fetishes. Im a fetishist and this is really ingrained in my sexuality. As a Dom I prefer to be a giver rather then receiver. Their pleasure is my pleasure.

Basically it's about the inside things, the emotion, the intimacy; Partner(s) I can feel secure with in those things.

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Sage Raven Domino

1) Personality;

2) (In those aces who like sex a bit when it happens but don't particularly look forward to it and would prefer watching The Big Bang Theory or whatever to it.)

The minimum frequency of sex the partner is comfortable with (the rarer the better).

Yes, I'm very rational :P

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I guess I'm still confused as to that definition. Would you be okay with my PMing you to try and has it out so as not to derail the thread?

I always though cupiosexual was desiring sex theoretically while avoiding it in reality.

I'm always okay with PMs. :) You might not be confused anymore after reading the other replies but you can definitely PM me if you have more questions.

It's true that some cupiosexuals avoid sex, but some don't. They don't get attracted to specific people but they can still want to engage in that kind of activity. Sort of like how a heterosexual man might have sex with another man if he has a high sex drive and there are no women around. Some heterosexual men would never do that but some do. It's a similar case with cupiosexuals.

I honestly have no idea how aces who like sex choose their sexual partners, and I'm curious too.

One would assume the exact same way sexuals choose their sexual partners. TBH, I find the use of the word "choose" borderline offensive because it makes it sound like we flip thru catalogs, but whatever.

Asexuals don't choose sexual partners the exact same way because asexuals don't feel attracted to people whereas sexual people do. Regardless, whether or not someone becomes your sexual partner is a matter of choice for both parties. People don't choose who they are attracted to but ultimately they do choose who to have sex with because they can give consent or not. I don't mean to imply that there are catalogs of partners being considered or that interest will always be reciprocated.

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(This may get controversial. I get that some people disagree with me, but I'm not going to let that stop me being honest about my opinion in these situations)

I think this question may be rooted from some confusion as to why sexual people have sex with other people.

Sexuals don't just look at people and decide they are going to/want to fuck them based on their appearance or their "sexual attractiveness". Sure *some* do, but many people on AVEN seem to think that that experience alone is what makes someone "sexual" ..well guess what? it's not. A sexual person is not sexual because "they want to fuck this specific person right now" .. What makes someone sexual is that they have an intrinsic desire to have partnered sex. No they may not walk around wanting to fuck all the time (some do, many don't) but under certain circumstances, they desire partnered sex. For example: a sexual person may only desire sex with someone they have romantic attraction for, and that person may not even fit their definition of "aesthetic attraction" ..yet they fell in love with that person because they have a great personality, are funny, kind, and interesting. That's why the sexual person desires sex with them, because that's the person they fell in love with and sex will be a deeply intimate, bonding, enjoyable experience with that person. Another sexual person may not be interested in relationships but may have sex with close friends because they enjoy sex and friends are people that are trusted and they know they can have a good time with etc..it may be nothing to do with how their friends look or whether they feel aesthetic or even sensual attraction towards their friends, it's just that sex is enjoyable and friends are a safe and fun option to have sexual experiences with for some people. Another sexual person may just have sex with anyone who is willing, because sex is an enjoyable and desirable experience and they really don't care about aesthetics. Some sexual people may only have sex with people they think are "hot" or "sexy" and personality doesn't matter to them.. The one thing all these separate sexual experiences have in common? On some level the sexual person intrinsically desires partnered sex. They *seek it out* because it's enjoyable (and in many cases, because it's a deeply intimate bonding experience). It's the desiring and *seeking out* that makes these people sexual, regardless of the reason they seek it.

(and yes some asexual people desire and enjoy the *idea* of sex, but wouldn't actually seek it out when presented with the opportunity, like a romantic partner for example. It's just the idea that's appealing to them, but they are not interested in the actual practice. Sure they might GIVE their partner sex, if their partner desires it, but if the partner had no interest in sex the asexual would not try to initiate it to experience partnered sexual pleasure, or feel that anything is missing in the relationship due to the lack of sex, regardless of how aesthetically attractive they think their partner is. Whereas the desire for partnered sex to the point of actively seeking it for sexual enjoyment in some circumstances, in my mind, is what makes someone inherently sexual)

For an asexual even a romantic relationship or an *exceptionally* attractive person wouldn't make them actively seek to have sex with that person out of a desire to have sex, because that desire to have partnered sex with *another person*, ANY person, is not there. An asexual person just does not have that desire for partnered sex (to the extent of actively seeking it out) present in their biological makeup.

A sexual person actively desires sex at some points in their life (some often, some only in relationships etc) but the defining factor here is "actively desires partnered sex" ..all other factors (ie who with and why) are too variable to be any basis for anything.. for example too variable to be the basis that many people define their asexuality around: "I am asexual because although I enjoy partnered sex and feel the need to seek it out with other people, I do *not* desire it for the same reasons sexual people do. It's the reasons sexual people *desire* sex that makes me different from them. I just desire it because it's an enjoyable, fun activity, and can be very intimate and rewarding, so I need to seek people have it with because of that, not because I find people attractive in a way that makes me want to have sex with them the way that sexual people do" ..well guess what? there are many sexual people *just* like that, and as I explained, not all sexual people look at people and want to have sex with them based on certain qualities inherent in the person's appearance: that is a shallow view of sexuality and for many sexual people there is so much more to it than that.

So an asexual person who actively desires sex to the extent that they need to "choose" someone to have it with, to me, is no different than many sexual people in that they *are* at some level intrinsically desiring partnered sex to the extent that they need to seek someone out to have it with for their own sexual enjoyment. Why would someone like this identify as ace? is it because they have a mistaken idea that all sexual people look at certain attractive people and want to fuck them? and because they don't have that particular experience they think they are asexual even though they desire partnered sex to the extent that they need to "hunt someone out" to fuck? Is it because they don't feel aesthetic attraction and have confused the meanings of aesthetic and sexual attraction? who knows.

Not pointing the finger at anyone here, not labelling anyone. Call yourself a spaghetti monster if you wish lol I don't care what people call themselves. Just stating my opinion on what actually defines asexuality: ie the lack of a desire to have partnered sex (partnered genital stimulation for personal and/or mutual sexual pleasure). A lack of any need to seek partnered sex out for personal sexual enjoyment.

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butterflydreams

Hahaha, how do I choose partners? (Non-sexually exclusively at present)

In a word...poorly.

I don't know what it is. I'm drawn to people who are nothing like me, and typically have no interest in someone like me.

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JohnnyRingo

For me, it's simple: I don't. They choose me.

I don't actively pursue sex or romantic relationships at all. As far as I can recall, I never have. I've just never felt motivated to do so. But occasionally I find myself alone with a woman who clearly expects physical affection, and depending on circumstances, I may or may not oblige. If I do, it often ends up escalating to sex. And if it does, my enjoyment of it is mostly indirect. It's not so much that I enjoy sex. I could take it or leave it. But I enjoy creating (or at least helping to co-create) a pleasurable experience for someone else.

The anecdote I shared in my introductory post is a pretty good example of it: I recently met, hung out with, and found myself alone with a new female friend, and I picked up very clear, very obvious "please kiss me" signals. So I did. And I got nothing out of the kiss itself, but I loved the sensation of feeling her melt in my arms. I didn't have sex with her, but the same kind of indirect pleasure -- caused by causing someone else to feel pleasure -- applies when I do have sex.

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I've had a few sexual encounters. A few times was chosen by friends. Other times I just didn't want to be alone. I've had two serious sexual relationships. The first one chased me. The second was for ulterior motive; I was losing my place and needed a place to stay. All of that was some time ago. Being more emotionaly and financialy stable, I have had no want for partnered sex. I even wonder sometimes if I ever really did.

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Fire & Rain

PanFicto explained it well.

I like sex but I don't want to have sex even with my partner :/ I would rather masturbate.

I agree with Johnny Ringo too. They choose me. I have no romantic drive either. I've never actively pursued anyone to have romantic and sexual relations. It's them who pursued me and I may or my not say "yes".

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