can asexuality be caused by a traumatic event?

[soo-fetch]

Hi. I'm Sarah. I've been trying to get answers about this for a while now, but I haven't gotten any responses. Hoping someone can help me figure this out?

When my husband and I got married about a year ago, I was very sexually attracted to him. We had a very active sex life. I had waited until I was married to have sex, and I definitely don't regret that decision.

Then, about 2 months after we got married, I became pregnant with our first child. I was very excited, but soon after we found out I began bleeding and thought I had lost the baby. As it turns out, it was called a subchorionic bleed (a bleed underneath the gestational sac) and I hadn't miscarried (it was called a "threatened miscarriage"). However, we weren't allowed to have sex until the bleed went away. Unfortunately, it never did. Because of this, at 18 weeks gestation, my water broke and I lost my precious baby. I was in labor for 37 hours, but I wouldn't dilate because I just couldn't relax after all I had been through. They ended up giving me an epidural, which was very traumatic as well. It relaxed my muscles so that I could give birth to my dead son. I didn't even feel him come out, I lifted up the sheets and there he was. It was the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

I told you all this because I want you to understand the extent of what I went through. Weeks of being given hope that my baby would make it, then more bleeding, then eventually losing him. It was horrible and I would never wish it on anyone.

Ever since, even though I'm pregnant again with a far less stressful pregnancy, I haven't felt any sexual attraction to my husband (or anyone). I cannot get aroused. Sex is mainly for his pleasure, it hurts me now because I just don't enjoy it anymore. I don't want it to be this way, I love my husband very much! Even though I don't enjoy sex at all, I'm still glad that it's with him and not someone else. I just wish it was like it used to be, before I became pregnant.

Am I asexual now? Is this permanent?

I appreciate you taking the time to read this and look forward to a response so I can start figuring this all out.

[Tarfeather]

When you say you don't feel sexual attraction, do you mean you don't feel a desire to have sex with him, or do you mean you don't find him physically attractive like you used to?

[soo-fetch]

Tarfeather- I mean I still find him cute. But it's hard to think of him in a sexual way. When we have sex, I'm not "turned on" by him. But I still love him and care about him!

[CosineTheCat]

Hello Soo-Fetch!

I'm very sorry that you lost your first child, that must of not been easy. A lot of people are born asexual, and some become one through traumatic experiences that they've had. Saying that, it doesn't mean that you're now asexual, people can have very bad experiences and still be fully sexual person. From what I've read, it sounds that you might just be sex adverse right now, because of what happened, it could be possible that after you have your child born fully health, you might feel more sexual again.

Again, I'm very sorry about what happened, but no one here can tell you if you're asexual or not. Only you can decide.

[Tarfeather]

When we have sex, I'm not "turned on" by him. But I still love him and care about him!

Did you consider that you might be putting too much strain on yourself? There are various situations that can lead a person not to desire sex, and forcing yourself to have sex when you don't want it is one such scenario. In other words, you might not have become asexual, but rather you now seeing sex as something you have to do, might be what makes you not desire it anymore.

[.,.]

Asexuality as far as my understanding goes is a thing we're born with, just like people are born homo- or heterosexual. Your loss of libido seems to be the result of a medical condition however. Which means that if you haven't seen a doctor or a psychiatrist about it you definitely should, but what you're describing now does on the other hand sound like asexuality - so you're very welcome to stick around these forums.

It is normal for women to lose libido after miscarriages, even if they were planning on aborting the child - usually as a result of grief, and yes - trauma. So see a trained professional, and/or hope that your libido comes back in time - until then do consider using artificial lubrication during sex, when/if you decide to do it again.

[soo-fetch]

Did you consider that you might be putting too much strain on yourself? There are various situations that can lead a person not to desire sex, and forcing yourself to have sex when you don't want it is one such scenario. In other words, you might not have become asexual, but rather you now seeing sex as something you have to do, might be what makes you not desire it anymore.

I don't like to use the word "forced" because I willingly have sex with him. I just don't enjoy it. He tries to help me. We try foreplay and lube. None of it works :(

[Tarfeather]

I don't like to use the word "forced" because I willingly have sex with him. I just don't enjoy it. He tries to help me. We try foreplay and lube. None of it works :(

I meant it in the same way you have to "force" yourself to do chores and the like. Just.. doing something you don't actually enjoy doing. My advice would be not to have sex as long as you don't enjoy it, that's the only position from where you might get to a point where you can be okay with it again.

[IAmNoBird]

Whether or not it's "permanent" would be hard to say, but one thing to note - this trauma seems to have happened pretty recently. As others have said, loss of libido would be normal after a miscarriage. It's possible that, after therapy and/ or dealing with the emotional upheaval caused by the miscarriage, your libido could theoretically return. At this stage I would hesitate to say it's asexuality though it has some similarities.

I would definitely seek help, whether from a therapist, doctor, sexologist, etc. A miscarriage is extremely traumatic and will take time to work through.

[Orchid]

This sounds like something linked with post-trauma, which suggests it could be fixed with the right support. I really suggest you go and see a therapist/psychiatrist and explain your worries to them.

Traumatic events like the horrible one you have experienced will take a long time to recover from, and you may never be the way you were before because they shape your life so much. Perhaps your loss of libido is post-traumatic stress or your body has made a link subconsciously between sex and your horrible experience. Nevertheless, a professional therapist (etc) will be able to help you much more than anyone on here probably can.

And I'm so sorry about what happened to you. I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through and I really hope you know that everyone here at AVEN will be fully supportive of your situation.

[Adogg]

Sorry for your loss, but no. Asexuality is an orientation and can;t be caused by a traumatic event. It sound as if some PTSD,or psychological factor at play, or perhaps you just don't find him attractive anymore because you just don't. Best of luck in whatever decisions you make.

[Tarfeather]

Asexuality is an orientation and can;t be caused by a traumatic event.

General statements like this are really silly. You can't know that. In fact, there's pretty strong evidence that traumatic events during early childhood do affect orientation.

[Philip027]

First of all, sorry about your loss. :(

Second of all, to answer your question, it potentially can. Doesn't work that way for everyone obviously, but it can.

Do you feel like the trauma from that event is still affecting you (which wouldn't be at all surprising, really)? Because if so, that is something I would look into getting help for. Any sort of sexual complication you may or may not be experiencing is not really the important part, here; it's merely a *possible* symptom for a bigger problem.

Just having another kid is likely not going to magically make things better, if my grandparents were any indication. They lost one of their four children to a miscarriage and that is something that stuck with them for the rest of their lives.

[oldgeeza]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I guess if you are still attracted to your husband, I have to ask, do you still find him sexy? do you still find him as appealing as when you first met him? if you still willingly have sex with him, I would say that you're not asexual, but it's just not as appealing to you after the stress & loss you suffered, maybe after your next birth comes out successfully (which they will), maybe then you'll feel more at ease having sex with your husband. Asexuality is an orientation alike to hetrosexuality, homosexuality etc, it is how we are born, it isn't something that is caused y an incident, well at least not that I'm aware of, that said, I'm no expert in the medical field, I could be totally 100% wrong, I don't know, I've just thrown in my thoughts.

Good luck with the birth of your child, I hope they are healthy & happy, as I hope you & your husband remain for many years to come

[stonehengegirl]

Hi,

I'm so sorry about your baby. My heart ached when I read that part of your story.

You may just be depressed. You've gone through a lot. Not wanting to have sex doesn't mean you might be asexual.

[Adogg]

Asexuality is an orientation and can;t be caused by a traumatic event.

General statements like this are really silly. You can't know that. In fact, there's pretty strong evidence that traumatic events during early childhood do affect orientation.

So you say general statements are silly and then make one? Provide evidence to the contrary or don't bother responding.

And no, orientation is not caused by any type of event, it's ingrained and biological and has been proven such by all science. Please educate yourself.