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New and wondering if i'm asexual!


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Hello :)

I am new to the site and just here for some advise really, so any given would be appreciated :)

So....I seem to have problems with sex and intimacy. I have days where I think sex is really dirty and I can't think about it or 'fantasise' without feeling disgusting and that I'm doing something wrong. I can't even masturbate without feeling ashamed within myself and always end up hating myself after I orgasm. I should probably add that I haven't been raised in a household where sex is deemed wrong and shameful - it's just how I feel. I don't even like being touched and kissing is something I seem to have a huge problem with.

The strange part however - and the bit I am confused about, is that there are times where I can't stop thinking about sex. I have a boyfriend and we have sex sometimes (maybe once a month sometime two months - he has no problems with sex) but these moments don't last very long and other than these times I am often indifferent to sex and don't understand why people want it all the time.

The reason I wanted to post this on an asexual site is that I have often wondered if I am in fact asexual, but I don't want to be. I want to have a normal sex life and I want to feel like sex is ok and normal. I guess my question, is is this normal asexual behaviour (as I understand asexuality is a spectrum) and am I in denial of who I am, is this a kind of 'phase' if you will of the difficulty of going against societies norm of 'everyone should be having sex all the time' or is this just something I appear to be struggling with at the moment and could I in fact, not be asexual.

Thank you for reading, like I said, any advise would be appreciated :)

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Well, seems like your sexuality is more complex and fluid than most's. I very much see how that must be confusing. I'm sure there's some fancy term for this, but it doesn't really matter. You seem to be able to describe how you feel about your sexual experience rather specifically and in a very detailed way, which means you know what you are - but you just don't know the name for it. Going with the flow, and letting your partner(s) know specifically how you feel (read your post out loud to them? :p) seems like a good ordeal.

You said there are times you can't stop thinking about sex though, do you also feel sexual attraction at these times? Sexuality vs. asexuality is not about how much one fantasizes about sex and or if you're disgusted by sex, or if you love it - it's about the sexual attraction part. Do you see your boyfriend or other people and think "I wanna have sex with this/that person" when you're obsessing over sex? Cause myself, I'm thinking about sex all the time, and I'm masturbating and I don't feel any shame at all over that (until the second after I orgasm, then sex is suddenly super gross and ewww). I'm asexual though, because I don't actually want to have sex with anyone. I just like the fantasies. Now, I never had sex with anyone, but presuming things I think I'd be 'okay' with having sex from time to time, like it wouldn't absolutely kill me.

So, if you do feel like you want to have sex with specific people, when you see them (as when you're in the same room) - then you're sexual, or is its only your boyfriend you feel this for you might be demisexual, if you idenfity with none of these terms we have the term greysexual, which you should read up on if you think that might be it. But if you never actually feel the urge to get down and dirty with anyone specific, and never felt this at all towards someone within arms reach - then you can proclaim yourself; super-duper ace.

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stonehengegirl

Hi! Welcome!

Have some welcome cake :cake::cake::cake:

Speaking for myself, it was a relief to find out I was asexual because it was answer for what I had felt was wrong with me. I'm a gray asexual. I have experienced attraction (twice) and have been in a sexual relationship. From reading what you've written it's difficult to say if you're asexual or going through a phase. Sexual identity is complex. You can have fantasies and a libido and still be asexual. Asexuality is about sexual attraction.

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Hello, and welcome to the site since you say you are new. :cake: :cake:

I don't really have much advice for you that hasn't already been said. I think i am a little boat's reply was pretty informative about the differences between being allosexual/demisexual/grey-sexual/ace. Maybe you will be able to identify with one of those terms, and maybe you won't but I don't think finding a label for your feelings is the most important thing. Even if your sexuality seems to be fluid and different from most, you still understand your self pretty well, and that's the hardest part. :)

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Ultimately, you are the best person to tell if you are asexual or not. I do know people who identify as allosexuals but are more into video games or shows than sex. I suppose you could say that they are allosexuals that behave like asexuals. I don't know if you see yourself in that at all.

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I can only tell you what the different identities and the idiosyncrasies of them. but I can't tell you what to identify as. If asexual is working for you. use it. and if it works for you know, use. don't worry if its a phase not.

some Asexual, such as myself have a libido. I do only when I'm manic. Some gray-A asexual use the term asexual because its easier than explaining their identity all the time.

Having sex doesn't make you sexual. Just saying. way more going on with sex with your boyfriend than just the actual sex. It's about attraction. tbh I think most people are fluid in their sexuality. even asexuals and allosexuals.

but i would pay more attention to you and not your orientation. it may make you less bias in your actions. its better to be true to yourself than your label.

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