Jenovia Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 So I tried telling my best friend that that I am grey-asexual, after explaining to her what this means she responded "well maybe you just have not found the right guy to make you want to have sex with"..in all honesty I didn't know what to say in return to that, all I responded was maybe. Could she be right? I am a 19 year old female college student and have been around both genders and still didn't get the urge to wanna have sex, but could it be that I haven't found the right person? What she said just really got to me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Xeres Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 Totally my problem, girl! That's also the reason why I'm afraid to tell my parents of my asexuality. I fear that they might just say, "well how do you want to know? You never had a boyfriend, so just go out and find someone and you will see that it will all work out." I'm 22 and I did have light crushes on guys before, but not that I haven't been able to stop thinking about them or such stuff. I also never felt the need for sex or even a relationship with any of them, but maybe I do just need to get together with someone and I will start liking it? Can I actually say I don't care for sex if I never experienced it? It's not like I'm repulsed by it, I just never feel aroused or anything like that. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
theam Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 There's no such thing as the right person for asexuals or allosexuals or anyone though. There are people you will be compatible with in different ways (platonic/friendly/romantic/whatever) because of mutual interests or views on certain topics, or because you live in their area, or because you've met and were both bored and ended up talking, or because they're cute. But there isn't a vague human who will "turn on the switch" in any way. Anyone could become "right" if you want and let them and it's mutual. Could be sexually, could be not sexually at all. But someone being really good for you in some ways doesn't mean they will be in others. (And the gender binary is ridiculous.) (And sexual attraction does not mean arousal.) My realization that I was ace came years after I'd first started having sex. It doesn't change much. Except having that as another retort to assholes who question whether I'm ace or not. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kisrah Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 Personally, I don't like the "you just haven't find the right person" attitude, but I don't think it's entirely wrong either. There's demisexuality to consider. You might find if you get strongly attached to someone, romantic and/or sexual attraction will follow. If asexuality fits you right now, then it fits. That's for you to decide. Don't worry about what others think, or go looking for a relationship because people are making you feel like it's the normal thing to do. Go with whatever's comfortable for you. :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dissolved Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 That "finding the right person" crap is exactly that - crap. It just seems to be the standard response to someone who says "I'm not bothered about sex". Other options include (but are not limited to): "you don't know until you've tried it"; "you're in denial"; "you're too young to know what you want"; "stop trying to be special". All crap. Because of my career I've met thousands of people, and not one has done it for me in that fashion. And they never will. Simple. You could find the most perfect person in the world, but it still wouldn't make you want to sleep with them. Next time someone questions your sexuality, question theirs instead. Ask them how they know they're straight (or whatever), maybe they haven't met the right person of the same gender (or whatever) yet. That probably doesn't make sense, sorry. Ice cream is distracting. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Archon Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 I completely agree with dissolved, you could poignantly say to your friend (if she's straight, adjust accordingly if otherwise) that the only reason she thinks she isn't a lesbian is because she hasn't met the right girl yet. Or, you could tell her that all the men she's been attracted to are probably just anomalies and she's actually asexual. It's all equally ridiculous. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jenovia Posted April 6, 2015 Author Share Posted April 6, 2015 If I believe I am asexual right now... Could my view change. Theoretically could someday I decide I am not asexual anymore because I found someone I am sexually attracted to and all that stuff. What she said just made me question alot and made me not want to tell anyone else in fear of the responses I will get. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Xeres Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 Someone explained to me here that is it possible to change your view. like if you are demisexual, you would only feel attracted to someone sexually after already having a close bond with them. Like when you have known someone as a friend for a long time and then start developing romantic/sexual feelings for them. Till then you would think you're asexual. I now think of myself as asexual and aromantic, but that might change one day because I try to keep an open mind and see, maybe I will be sexually or romantically attracted to someone one day. But as long as that doesn't happen, I see myself as asexual, I guess. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jenovia Posted April 6, 2015 Author Share Posted April 6, 2015 I get what your saying and it makes sense to me. I would consider myself gray asexual right now, I am going to try and get my friend to understand this because she is my best friend and I want her acceptance. I also just want people who do understand to talk to because it helps me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Xeres Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 I wish you good luck with that! I have not yet felt confident enough to talk to any of my friends about it and I might not do that either, but that's why I'm glad that I'm on AVEN now :D Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ace of Cakes Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 I'm 19 too and for the longest time I told myself I just hadn't found the right guy. Finally accepted it over the summer and started identifying as ace, and even though I actually did find the right guy - right as in the first guy I've dated, not as in I started wanting sex - I became even more certain. I know he's the right guy, but the sexual attraction still isn't there. You know yourself, so don't let what your friends may say get to you too much. Yes, sexuality can be fluid, but if you think you're grey-ace, you're grey-ace. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Absol Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Unfortunately, because asexuality is still a relatively new idea, not a lot of people are aware of it, and will respond like your friend. :/ If you want to help her understand, why don't you suggest that she take a look at AVEN, there is a FAQ section for sexual friends/partners. But don't give up hope, there are other people who aren't ace but are open-minded enough to accept it anyways. ^_^ I'm 18, and I've had a few friends accept it. :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenaLy Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 When I told people I was asexual around the age of 21, so many people respond with "you probably just haven't met the right guy." Eleven years later, I still have no interest in dating or sex. You are what you are, no matter what beliefs people hold about your orientation. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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