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My story. Am I in the right place? I'm not sure, but it's worth a try.


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JohnnyRingo

I don't know if I'm actually asexual, and I read the FAQ, so I'm not going to ask "Am I asexual?" But recently I've begun to suspect I'm somewhere on the spectrum of asexuality. I'm hoping this board might help me explore and understand that aspect of myself.

My story: I'm an ostensibly heterosexual man, closing in on 40 (kind of a scary thought that I try not to think about). I've been in several short-term dating-type relationships, but I've never been married or had a long-term committed relationship. I've never thought of any of my partners as my "girlfriend," although outside observers would probably have characterized them as such.

I say "ostensibly heterosexual" because this part of the FAQ really resonates with me, but it only applies to women: "Asexuals may regard other people as aesthetically attractive without feeling sexual attraction to them. Some asexual people also experience the desire of being affectionate to other people without it being sexual. If you do not experience sexual attraction, you might identify as asexual."

Anyway, a handful of months ago during a conversation about the last time I had sex (my answer: "It's been a while, and I'm okay with that -- long dry spells don't bother me at all"), a friend suggested that I might be asexual, or at least somewhere on the spectrum. My immediate answer was, "No, of course not. I've had sex many times, and enjoyed it." But it got the idea in my head, and it started to make sense.

I realized that I don't think I've ever actively pursued sex as a goal. Ever. I've never set out to get laid. It typically goes like this: I'll make a new female friend that I find aesthetically attractive. I'll find myself alone with her, and I'll start detecting signals that she's expecting physical and/or sexual affection. And I'll think, "I really enjoy spending time with this person, and if I don't respond as expected to these signals, I may not continue to have opportunities to do so in the future." That makes it sound like more of a chore than it is. It's not a chore, I'm just not sure how else to articulate it. The point is that the physical/sexual part of the interaction isn't the part that's important to me.

None of this was consious until recently, but thinking back on my past relationships, it totally fits. And when I make new, aesthetically attractive female friends and don't detect signals of sexual interest, I'm completely okay with that. There's no sense of disappointment. I actually kind of prefer it, because it comes with more stability and less expectation.

So anyway, last night, for the first time since a friend suggested the possibility of my being asexual, I found myself alone with a new, aesthetically attractive female friend, and I could tell that she really wanted to be kissed. It was obvious. So I did. It was officially my first kiss since I started thinking about this stuff. And I realized that I got nothing out of it, except the rewarding sensation of feeling her go all melty in my arms. She enjoyed it, and I enjoyed the fact that she enjoyed it. And I'm pretty sure that's been the case with every physically affectionate and/or sexual act I've ever participated in.

Which, perhaps, makes me some flavor of asexual.

So, yeah, that's my story. Not sure if I'll find what I'm looking for here, but it seems like as good a place as any to start.

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Welcome to AVEN. :D I think you found the right place.

There is a lot of grey area and wiggle room in the terms, and you can be what you want to be! I hope through browsing the forum you find what term you like for yourself. There is much information here. :)

:cake:

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Hullo! I enjoyed your story. Really, I'm sure you already know this perhaps, only you can choose what you want to identify with. Some aces actually enjoy sex, but they still don't find a person sexually attractive. If you feel sexual attraction rarely and/or under certain circumstances, it really sounds like grey-asexual. I know of someone here who can seriously relate to what you are feeling, I'm just afraid I don't want to "speak for them" and I'm afraid I might get it wrong. :o I'm quite sure there's also lots of other people here who can relate to what you are feeling and can help you out. I hope that I helped even a little. Heh. :lol: :blush:

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ByTheTracks

Hello. I'm told it's customary to offer cake to new forum members. :) :cake::cake::cake:

I've been here a little over a month. I'm 46, married with children. I found this place a little over a month ago because of an article in Wired magazine. If this forum isn't the single most reassuring place I have found in the world, due to the fact that every day I read something from someone that explains exactly how I feel and have felt for 30 years or more (when all along, I thought something was wrong with me or that I was totally alone), it's right up there with the most reassuring place I have found.

I say all that because once again, what you wrote above is something I could have written about myself. Or pretty damn close.

Just because you're attracted to women doesn't mean you're not asexual. And if you long for a relationship with a woman but not necessarily sex, you're probably heteroromantic asexual. If you think sex might be on the table at least once in a while, that's gray-asexual (Gray-A). I am probably somewhere inbetween, but closer to the asexual side, so that's what I consider myself. But don't feel a need to lock yourself down to anything. If I've learned anything here, it's that these definitions are all very fluid and people sometimes go between them at different times.

Hope this helps, and welcome....

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stonehengegirl

Hi, Welcome and you are in the right place. Have some cake :cake::cake::cake:

I completely relate. I like sex but it isn't a priority or a driving force in my life. Recognizing that I'm asexual and finding this place has been a wonderful thing for me.

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TaminSweets

I don't know if I'm actually asexual, and I read the FAQ, so I'm not going to ask "Am I asexual?" But recently I've begun to suspect I'm somewhere on the spectrum of asexuality. I'm hoping this board might help me explore and understand that aspect of myself.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you what you are, only you can decide that. though you can probably relate to a few people around here, and I can point out a few things mentioned though.

Anyway, a handful of months ago during a conversation about the last time I had sex (my answer: "It's been a while, and I'm okay with that -- long dry spells don't bother me at all"), a friend suggested that I might be asexual, or at least somewhere on the spectrum. My immediate answer was, "No, of course not. I've had sex many times, and enjoyed it." But it got the idea in my head, and it started to make sense.

some asexuals do enjoy sex, but aren't necessarily sexually attracted to people.

So anyway, last night, for the first time since a friend suggested the possibility of my being asexual, I found myself alone with a new, aesthetically attractive female friend, and I could tell that she really wanted to be kissed. It was obvious. So I did. And I realized that I got nothing out of it, except the rewarding sensation of feeling her go all melty in my arms. She enjoyed it, and I enjoyed the fact that she enjoyed it. And I'm pretty sure that's been the case with every physically affectionate and/or sexual act I've ever participated in.

Which, perhaps, makes me some flavor of asexual.

Flavor of asexual? no, some asexuals can enjoy kissing. I personally have never really thought it as a sexual act, but more sensual.

I say "ostensibly heterosexual" because this part of the FAQ really resonates with me, but it only applies to women: "Asexuals may regard other people as aesthetically attractive without feeling sexual attraction to them. Some asexual people also experience the desire of being affectionate to other people without it being sexual. If you do not experience sexual attraction, you might identify as asexual."

Nowhere in this sentence do I see, only applies to women; men can be asexual too.

So, just because you're attracted to women doesn't mean you're not asexual. And if you long for a relationship with a woman but not necessarily sex, you're probably heteroromantic asexual.

Yes, there are different and more attractions then just sexual attraction. I suggest looking into them to help understand what you are experiencing.

Anyways, welcome to AVEN! I hope you enjoy the community, and that it helps you come to some understanding about your feelings. Hope I helped in some way....

29323_l.jpg

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JohnnyRingo

Thanks for the welcoming messages. Yes, I think I might be able to learn something valuable here.

Anyway, one point of clarification:

I say "ostensibly heterosexual" because this part of the FAQ really resonates with me, but it only applies to women: "Asexuals may regard other people as aesthetically attractive without feeling sexual attraction to them. Some asexual people also experience the desire of being affectionate to other people without it being sexual. If you do not experience sexual attraction, you might identify as asexual."

Nowhere in this sentence do I see, only applies to women; men can be asexual too.

I didn't mean that the FAQ entry applies only to women, I meant that my finding people aesthetically attractive applies only to women. Hence "ostensibly heterosexual."

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TaminSweets

Thanks for the welcoming messages. Yes, I think I might be able to learn something valuable here.

Anyway, one point of clarification:

I say "ostensibly heterosexual" because this part of the FAQ really resonates with me, but it only applies to women: "Asexuals may regard other people as aesthetically attractive without feeling sexual attraction to them. Some asexual people also experience the desire of being affectionate to other people without it being sexual. If you do not experience sexual attraction, you might identify as asexual."

Nowhere in this sentence do I see, only applies to women; men can be asexual too.

I didn't mean that the FAQ entry applies only to women, I meant that my finding people aesthetically attractive applies only to women. Hence "ostensibly heterosexual."

Sorry for the misunderstanding :redface: , some asexuals do experience aesthetic attraction too. You can look into it more, you don't have to be pan-asesthetic per se and find everyone aesthetically pleasing. it's an attraction like everything else.

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JohnnyRingo

Thanks for the welcoming messages. Yes, I think I might be able to learn something valuable here.

Anyway, one point of clarification:

I say "ostensibly heterosexual" because this part of the FAQ really resonates with me, but it only applies to women: "Asexuals may regard other people as aesthetically attractive without feeling sexual attraction to them. Some asexual people also experience the desire of being affectionate to other people without it being sexual. If you do not experience sexual attraction, you might identify as asexual."

Nowhere in this sentence do I see, only applies to women; men can be asexual too.

I didn't mean that the FAQ entry applies only to women, I meant that my finding people aesthetically attractive applies only to women. Hence "ostensibly heterosexual."

I'm not sure where you heard that from, but Aesthetic attraction is not equal to only applying to women. Aesthetic attraction is aesthetic attraction all genders have the potential to experience, though it doesn't mean you do

Um, no, I meant, I, as in me, the individual going by the screen name "JohnnyRingo," in an entirely subjective sense, only find women aesthetically attractive. I do not find men aesthetically attractive. Which is why I referred to myself as "ostensibly heterosexual." I'm not trying to define terms in any objective sense, I'm simply telling you something about myself.

Edit: Never mind, I just saw that you edited your post. I think we're on the same page now. Moving on.

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TaminSweets

sorry for quickly reading through sentences, bad habit :redface:

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Asexual is only about not having sexual (not to be confused with romantic) attraction; so if you don't have it you're asexual.

Are you actually romantically attracted to these women or are you just aesthetically and indifferent of acting romantically? Some ppl enjoy kissing, some get aroused by it, and some feel nothing from it. It doesn't mean your romantic side is gray.

Unless you also feel nothing from hand holding, cuddling, etc., then there is the term Asensual; no sensual attraction. But even being that doesn't effect your romantic orientation. (eh, orientations that don't specify who your interested in are really "sub-orientations") Well, i suppose it could because sensual and verbal reciprocation typically make a romantic relationship and not feeling one would differ from the romantic norm (though i don't think being indifferent of kissing would be gray but just a romantic prefference). But Gray-romantic normally means anything between feeling romantic attraction and not/feeling characteristics of both or at different times; romantic attraction fading away, it coming and going, felt after a certain bond, etc. I would consider romance indifference in general, aka Apathromantic, a type of Gray-romantic though.

Hmm, would Asensual really count as a type of Gray-romantic??

(note: asensual could be used platonically but it would only be of use if they were touch-averse, but then they should just go by that; where as in a romantic relationship its expected; even being indifferent of it can be a problem)

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nerdperson777

(note: asensual could be used platonically but it would only be of use if they were touch-averse, but then they should just go by that; where as in a romantic relationship its expected; even being indifferent of it can be a problem)

I think you described somewhat of what I feel. I think I am demisensual. Since I do not pursue relationships and have anxiety when being touched (some PTSD involved), I want my friend to be that kind of closer, but I still have anxiety anyway. Actually I don't understand what I'm saying anymore. I'm just confusing myself.

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Here's something that may help: asexuals can be sex-repulsed, sex-positive, or anywhere in between. What this means is that while some aces would be totally disgusted by the mere idea of having sex, others are totally fine with it, but probably wouldn't seek it out due to a lack of sexual attraction. Neither side is more or less asexual. And then there is grey-asexual, which is somewhere on the asexual spectrum, and may experience sexual attraction rarely or under specific circumstances (like when there is a strong emotional attachment, in the case of demi-sexual). So good luck figuring yourself out! :D

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  • 2 weeks later...
diconstruction

I can very much relate to what you've described. It sounds like you don't do feel much romantic attraction or have an explicit interest in nonsexual physical contact (unlike me), but what you described when kissing your friend sounds like me during sex. I think it's fun and interesting and really enjoy providing someone I like and care about with pleasure.

I've been dealing with the question of is it okay to allow someone to think that you're enjoying sex (or any other physical contact) the same way they are. When I tried to explain how it was for me to my last boyfriend (after a few months of being sexually active), he didn't take it well. And I understand his point. Even though I wish the assumption weren't that everyone is sexual, that's generally what people assume--especially if you're having sex with them, which is rather reasonable.

Anyways, I don't think there's a right or wrong way to approach your situation. In fact it sounds like you're in a good place with your (a)sexuality, despite maybe not knowing the labels for it up until now. I admire that. Whether or not you decide to adopt any new terms to describe yourself, have fun exploring!

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