fan_girl Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Hello, I'm new to the idea of asexuality/demisexual/gray-a, and I am having a difficult time figuring out where I fall.I'm sorry is some of this may be a TMI. I am married to a wonderful man. We have been together for 8 years and married for 4.5. He is the only person I have ever felt like I wanted to have sex with. I had boyfriends before him but never felt the need to have sex with them. I enjoyed kissing and cuddling but never needed to take it further. We were best friends for two years before we started dating. I mentioned to him I thought I was bi or pan because I can see that a woman is beautiful or a man is handsome, but for me it's all about personality. He suggested I might be asexual. I don't have a high sex drive. I pretty much could take it or leave it. I do enjoy having sex with my husband but I'm never the one who initiates it. I feel pleasure while having sex but if I don't finish I am usually completely fine with that. Usually when we have sex we were being intimate (kissing, cuddling, etc) before hand. I enjoy being emotionally close to him and that tends to lead to sex and I'm ok with that. Honestly I can't fathom having sex or even thinking about having sex with anyone else. I can see that people are attractive but that doesn't arouse me. I have masturbated and do sometimes but I am never really thinking about anything and its about the physical release. For those of you that have read this far thank you and sorry it was so long. I'm just having a hard time figuring somethings out. I know only I can label myself but I would love any input from someone who actually knows what they are talking about lol. Link to post Share on other sites
duct_tape_ninja Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 If you're looking for a way to label your orientation, you have to look at who you're sexually attracted to. If I were you, I'd check out asexualadvice.tumblr.com. Check out their FAQ page and see if you can figure anything out. Another great blog is theasexualityblog.tumblr.com. Sorry if this isn't as helpful or direct as you may have liked, but I'm a relatively new member of the community myself (I've known I'm asexual for maybe two and a half months now?) and they seem to know what they're talking about so they should be able to give you some solid advice. :) Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Aesthetic attraction (a fixation on someone because of their looks and or mannerisms) is not romantic attraction. It can be felt romantically or platonically, but it means nothing in your romantic orientation. Initially i would have suggested this: You may be Demisexual; sexual attraction after a certain bond and just never had such a bond with your previous partners. Or Gray-Asexual; an umbrella term which demisexual also falls under that means anything between having sexual attraction and not having it/exhibiting characteristics of both or at different times-- one of which is it being rare; what i was getting at. But after reading the second half, i would still point you toward asexual. Asexuals masturbate and can enjoy sex. Is your partner sexually arousing in general to you (not under an influence like a turn on spot or fetish) and do you feel the impulse/desire to do sexual things to or with him? (indifference/feeling moral satisfaction is not desire-- all this making up sexual attraction) Maybe a better way to put it is that you were demi-consent; not a real term but you were only comfortable with having sex after a certain bond. Unless you experience sexual attraction rarely; as a whole and not toward a certain person as i meant before; it comes in random bursts which is a type of Gray-A but specifically called Burstsexual. Btw, your post was not long in the least. I've read far longer ones. Link to post Share on other sites
fan_girl Posted April 3, 2015 Author Share Posted April 3, 2015 Thanks for the replies :) this whole world is new to me so I appreciate the input. I want to be close to my husband and usually that comes out as physically. I love him and he's the only person who has ever made me consider having sex. It never even really crossed my mind to be honest until we got together. I do find people ascetically pleasing but it doesn't arouse me. I guess as I'm thinking about it I don't look at my husband and think god I want to have sex with you, its more of a I love you and want to be close to you.Once we "start the process" I'm into it and can have an orgasm but if he finishes and wants to make sure I do usually I could take it or leave it. Link to post Share on other sites
Corretto Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Aesthetic attraction (a fixation on someone because of their looks and or mannerisms) is not romantic attraction. It can be felt romantically or platonically, but it means nothing in your romantic orientation. Not meaning to appear too 'picky'...I have trouble with the reference to my aro 'aesthetic attraction' as being a "fixation". A fixation is an obsession. I don't believe I feel 'obsessed' to any subject of my aesthetic attraction. For me, it's precisely a lack of obsession that helps me understand my aesthetic attraction; as opposed to romantic or sexual attraction, that I don't relate to. [Apologies...should this appear too pedantic.] Link to post Share on other sites
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