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functional/creational vs. emotional/recreational rooted relationships


C0NPAQ

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So, after thinking about it the last decade or so, I have understood that it is quite difficult for anyone to grasp my ideas about relationships themself, no matter if they involve sexuality or not.

In my idea, a functionally rooted relationship is a relationship formed to lead to permanent, solid and fairly universal future improvements, if compared to the state of being functional without relationships, based on rational criteria (which makes it "creational"). For a very simplistic example, a couple could live together and be friends because of the financial gains they experience from marriage and sharing their common resources. They would thereby create an excess of money through the exclusive powers of the relationship. For a more complicated example, people could assume and adapt different roles, e.g. parent and child, which would lead to education and learning on an intimate emotional level. They would thereby create ability, as well as targeted beneficial outcomes. They would do this, because they can and because it makes sense. Not because they do immediately derive pleasure from it.

In contrast to that, relationships can be viewed as emotionally rooted (which makes them "recreational", as they are founded by seeking and refining to repeat experiences that lead to satisfaction). That is, certain emotions concerning intimacy are experienced which demand fullfillment through specific or rather certain circumstances, that are irrational on their own and do not lead to benefits on their own. For a very simplistic example, a couple could live together for the sole purpose of having sex with each other, because their needs dictate to perform this activity. They would thereby not create or intent to create anything explicit whatsoever but merely recreate what they already are familiar with. Essentially they are just trying to avoid a dysfunctional state of sexual withdrawal, in lack of options, rather than creating anything functional with the relationship through this choice. For a more complicated example, people could assume and adapt different roles depending on their individual emotional inclinations. E.g. roleplay a medieval husband and wife (and less common also parent and child), which could manifest in a sexual dom/sub relationship. They would thereby fullfill their urges through the style of the relationship, without creating anything explicit. They would consequently derive immediate pleasure from it.

Of course relationships as most people have them are neither exclusively functional or emotional, but a mix of the two. But as indicated, the primary component which the relationship roots in, is almost always emotional (with the clear intent to satisfy urges) not functional (with the clear intent to permanently profit from it).

I would want a relationship that is functionally rooted, with emotional influences in the design or conscious goals (not the intermediate or immediate outcomes) minimized to only go as far as that they can't be avoided. Since we are all just animals and human beings. Regardless, the lack of self-determinism and self-awareness that most people have over their actions within social interaction is very bothersome to me, and nothing I can or want to incorporate into my life. Much differently it seems to ordinary people, who have problems to do the opposite. That is to withdraw from social interaction and their unconscious choices and actions within it.

I hope I wrote this well enough down to not have people conclude: "Oh, I understand. So you just want a dom/sub thing and be mothered with tax benefits." No, that is not what anything of this is about. To most ordinary people, this is exactly about what they don't or can't understand in the first place and have never even conceived of until I explained it.

Can you relate to the idea for yourself? Have you similarly not found a partner who even remotely shared your ideals about the very essence of intimate relationships? Do asexual people perhaps gravitate towards a more controlled and rational style, rather than an emotional or instinct driven style of intimate relationships?

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Kitty Spoon Train

Yeah, I think I understand where you're coming from...

There are basically two sides to the coin when it comes to relationships: the social/political category of what the relationship is "supposed to be", and the personal motivations of the individual. These are completely separate things, but we are brought up to think of them as one and the same, and that all our relationships should map neatly to relatively rigid social categories. And then when something personal clashes with something social/political, it leads to drama and stress.

A big part of the reason why I identify with relationship anarchy is that it breaks down this dichotomy - or at least brings it out into the open by explicitly defining each relationship independently.

But yes, I understand why people might be inclined to go one way or the other (a more pragmatic/"functional" outlook on relationships versus a more emotional and "recreational" one), but I'm not sure that asexuality has any broad effect on this. Take me for instance: I'm borderline asexual and a total cuddle slut, and mostly engage in cuddle buddy type relationships / affectionate friendships. They have immense "recreational" value in terms of emotional warms and fuzzies and awesome friendship, but next to no "functional" value at all. At least the way society would normally view what "serious relationships" are "supposed to be" about....

Sooo, I think it mostly comes down to how individual personal inclinations fit in with what one wants to do with their life and relationships. More so than being asexual or not.

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