Poly relationships and A or Gray sexuality

[blake_rose]

Hi, so I'm incredibly new to this website but I'm having an issue and people seemed really friendly here.

I'm in a poly relationship with a couple who is engaged, we all date together and individually. They've been together 4 years and are very sexual with each other. I've wondered whether I was nonsexual in some manner before but when I started this relationship we all had sex and I enjoyed it. But I never initiate and lately one of my partners has started to express serious concerns about this.

I don't see either of my partners constantly, I work long and occasionally unusual hours, and I thought that when we had sex it was good and I was never worried that we only had sex once or twice a month, maybe less. Some times I felt really sex adverse and would mention that I wasn't in the mood or set the standard at the beginning of a date that I wasn't feeling like sex so I didn't let anyone down if they ended up in the mood at the end of an evening.

One of my partners has now expressed that they are upset/concerned that I keep saying no to sex. They have always been slightly pushier sex wise and I think I have said no more frequently to them than our other partner but only because they ask more often. Now I've started getting anxious whenever I'm supposed to see them if its just the two of us worried about if they're going to ask because I know I don't feel comfortable. I get so worked up worrying about it I know I won't be able to entertain the idea of sex at all.

I don't have sex more frequently with the other partner but I also don't go into dates anxious about sex. The sex-pushier partner seems to be a little jealous of our relationship. I worry that they think I want to have sex with the other partner more.

Maybe I do want to have sex with the other partner more, but only because I'm never anxious that its going to be requested of me.

So this is my situation. Its a bit complicated and if anything sounds familiar to anyone and/or they have advice I would love to hear it.

[Guest]

Sounds to me like you've just got too many people to have sex with, lots of people would get a little over it in that situation.. also the whole being pushy thing is a real turn off. Not hot especially when that partner is clearly already having plenty of sex, they are just being greedy. Damn this makes me so glad I'm mono haha.

[Skri]

The only part familiar to me, is the one in which you are anxious to meet that partner because of the sex pressure: it happened to me with my first relationship, when I didn't know I was gray-a, so I just wasn't enjoying as mush as the other part the sex and at some point I started being anxious because of our dates, because the sex was expected, till the point I started avoiding the dates and things got worse.

This said, I would suggest to talk with both your partners with honesty, so you can clarify your situations and no one would get hurt or wrapped up in jealousy.

About your sexuality, take all the time to think about it, learn, ask and read, do whatever you think you need to finally feel you understand yourself at best. And if you need some time for your self, talk about this as well with your partners. In my opinion they should understand and being supportive -_-

[frejapud]

I have another question if you'd chose to answer it:

Okay, so I'm demisexual and have being going out with a guy for years. It was a childhood romance. The problem is this: since we moved schools, we haven't seen each other as frequently. This caused me to lose that appeal (remember: demisexual) as I feel like I don't know him that well anymore. I see him as a friend. He still believes that we're meant to be and have a spark between us, but that spark went out a while ago. I could carry on this relationship and try to regain that bond but I doubt it will reappear-after all, we were little and didn't know what love was. It started off as us being bffs then we called each other boyfriend and girlfriend, this carried on and it felt wrong not to say it so it just... Happened. Since we were at infant school we'd said it, so why stop then?

Now you know the story, should I explain it to him and break up? Or should I explain and try harder? He believes we still are together, but I'm not sure. He doesn't know about my sexuality-only the internet does. Nobody in real life does as it was a recent finding.