How do you get over someone you love?

[Bookworm8793]

Hey guys,

I'm not on AVEN very often, but I'm struggling right now and don't know a lot of people who I can relate to enough to ask for advice. My boyfriend of three years just broke up with me, and I don't know how I'm supposed to get over him. (Warning: this is long).

A bit of background: we met in high school and became really close. He's sexual and had a crush on me for a long time. We started dating after we'd known each other about two and a half years. I had previously resisted because I didn't think I liked him like that, since I wasn't attracted to him. I eventually agreed because I wanted a way to legitimize our close emotional relationship, and "best friend" seemed an insufficient label to describe how I felt about him. What I understand now is that it was romantic attraction, but at 18 I didn't know how to separate romance from both sex and friendship.

I'm kind of weird sexually because while I'm sex-repulsed in some ways (freaked out by genitals and bodily fluids, mostly), I enjoy sexual pleasure in others. We struggled for awhile to come to a good compromise, but eventually discovered we're both kinky, and that helped us construct a BDSM-type relationship that gave both of us the benefits of sex without crossing too many of my boundaries. In the meantime, we gently pushed at my limits to get me comfortable with more things. He was always super respectful and kept me feeling safe, and I was happy to work on it because I wanted to please him. I was incredibly happy and I felt really lucky to have found someone I fit with so well. We talked pretty seriously about forever.

Then, kind of out of nowhere, he told me he'd realized he was settling sexually, and that while he loves me, ultimately he doesn't want a relationship where he's always the one pushing. It's left me totally heartbroken. Since our emotional relationship was still really good, we've agreed to have no contact until I'm ready, at which point it's really important to us to remain friends.

My issue is that I don't know how to move on. A lot of our close emotional relationship came from the romance, even before I identified it that way. The sexual aspect of our relationship was also very closely tied to the emotional, both because of my need for intense trust and because having a dom/sub dynamic became part of the romance even outside of sex. Now when I think of sex, it's not just an activity, it's contingent upon him as the partner. I have two big worries. The first is that I'll never be able to rebuild my friendship with him with the romance/sex removed. The second is that I'll never find another romantic/sexual partner. My ex raised my standards in a lot of ways: I never expected to be with someone, and had just kind of come to terms with the idea that I'd never do the sexual activities I did want. Our relationship also grew very organically out of a close friendship, and it was lucky that he wanted all of the things I did, but if he hadn't it would have been okay because I expected to do without. Now I feel like I'll be disappointed in a relationship that doesn't have those things, but I don't know how to go out and find someone since the first time it just kind of happened.

Has anyone else had similar experiences? What did you do? How do I stop loving him romantically? How do I move on when sex for me was as much about my partner as it was about the actions?

[Philip027]

I don't know how to advise about "moving on" in an emotional sense. It's something I've never really had to do, nor has it been something I've ever felt like I should do. I never saw a point in trying to deny one's feelings, but it's important to remember that sometimes that's all they are.

The first is that I'll never be able to rebuild my friendship with him with the romance/sex removed.

If you both actually want it to happen, you'll make it happen. Take it from me, it's doable.

The second is that I'll never find another romantic/sexual partner.

I actually had the opposite sort of reaction, I'm afraid. For me it was more like, well, now I know that it CAN happen, and that it probably will happen again.

[Sally]

It takes time. That's all that will help, and all that's required. You just slog through the time, day by day, and feel whatever you feel.

[Guest]

The only thing that helps with healing from a break up is time. Just take some time away from him to get back to knowing yourself without him involved. Then, you can start working on building a friendship without romance once you're both ready.

[Hobbes!]

What helped for me ... accept that it's over. Your mind might well be playing tricks on you like this ... until you accept that things are over and done romantically I don't think you'll be able to move on. Time spent away is probably a good idea. Some people can go back to being friends, some can't (I couldn't)

[BaymaxCupcake]

I started talking to them less and less, especially over skype or in person. It's easier to just have that daily "how you doing". Distancing them (no matter how diffuclt at first) always makes it easier to forget how wonderful you thought they were.

[Zephyr Aspara]

I know it's really hard. From my own experience – I am in my forties – eventually, even before you fully move on, the feelings become a part of you, rich and sustaining, without inflicting pain. This too shall pass. Until then, perhaps you can concentrate on the silver lining whenever possible. You will not have to spend your life guarding your boundaries jealously, even against someone you love entirely. There would always have been this estrangement and gap between you, rooted in your natures, that you can do little to overcome.

Or maybe you can. Sexuality does evolve. I personally won't follow our current vogue of “You be you,” as if we are all already dead and entombed. I am not saying you should force yourself in any way. (For example, I think the Gay Conversion people are forcing issues that do not affect them, and some o it to assuage their own insecurities and need to dominate.) Rather, not to accept a set definition for yourself. It sounds like you have done a lot of this in this last relationship, and I congratulate you. Do ignore my rambling if they don't apply in any way.

I am the sexual one in my relationship, but I am coming to understand how hard it is for you guys. Of course you may fall in love with another sexual again; sometimes love cannot be helped. But now that you know what you want, you can steer and aim for those who share your natural leaning. We are most happy and giving of love, I think, when we can be most true to ourselves.

Best of luck to you. We are all heartbroken in bygone love, no matter what our sexuality or lack thereof looks like. United in our common humanity.

[The Strong Force]

Painfully and slowly, or immediately. Unfortunately we are often unable to determine which.

[Jac the Knave]

I've also broken up with a close romantic partner. It has been almost 2 years, and it still hurts. Accepting the pain is important. Just "getting over it" or "moving on" isn't so simple as it sounds. It takes perseverance and endurance. Real emotional strength, and there's no way to train for it except through first hand experience. It's agonizing and brutal to have your trust and hopes dashed with heartbreak. Nevertheless, it is a good time to reflect on yourself and what you desire on an individualistic level. Now is the opportunity to focus on your goals that exist outside a romantic relationship. Try to keep a clear picture of who you are and what you want out of life, regardless of other people.

[Amedot]

Time and distance.

No contact, and lots of time. Be patient. there`s no timeline for moving on.

take care

[Vestal]

Find yourself a new romance. The quickest way to get over one man is to get under another. ;)

[Guest]

Find yourself a new romance. The quickest way to get over one man is to get under another. ;)

Yup. It'll help keep your self esteem and your hope alive.

[Tarfeather]

Find yourself a new romance. The quickest way to get over one man is to get under another. ;)

Yup. It'll help keep your self esteem and your hope alive.

In all honesty, I can't tell whether that's sarcasm or not..

@OP: You might as well be asking how to become happy in life. I really can't tell you. But there's no easy or reliable way to solve the problems you're facing, that much is certain.

[Guest]

Find yourself a new romance. The quickest way to get over one man is to get under another. ;)

Yup. It'll help keep your self esteem and your hope alive.

In all honesty, I can't tell whether that's sarcasm or not..

@OP: You might as well be asking how to become happy in life. I really can't tell you. But there's no easy or reliable way to solve the problems you're facing, that much is certain.

After I posted it I realized it didn't read well. but no, not sarcasm. Rejection and loss of love is excruciating, and part of it is this feeling of emptiness, and a feeling that only that one person will fit that missing piece, and that no one else will understand you or love you... going out and meeting new people really helps divert some of those feelings. Keeps you feeling attractive and interesting and keeps alive the feeling of future possibilities, all of which can disappear if you just sit and mope about lost love.

[Hobbes!]

All very well and good, unless you have a hard time dating in the first place, in which case you're just setting yourself up for another kicking. I usually agree with you Skullery, but this time I've got to say it's better to learn to be happy without someone to prop yourself up.

EDIT: Though I should say, I do agree that doing something to stop the mopey feelings building up is a good idea. I didn't do that, against advice, and in hindsight I should have.

[Tarfeather]

After I posted it I realized it didn't read well. but no, not sarcasm. Rejection and loss of love is excruciating, and part of it is this feeling of emptiness, and a feeling that only that one person will fit that missing piece, and that no one else will understand you or love you... going out and meeting new people really helps divert some of those feelings. Keeps you feeling attractive and interesting and keeps alive the feeling of future possibilities, all of which can disappear if you just sit and mope about lost love.

When I was a teen I tried that often, it led to a lot of being used, being lied to, heartbreak and general disappointment. Even when someone returned my feelings, I just felt empty inside. About 10 years after losing the person I cared so much about, I actually managed to accept those feelings. It was pretty much excruciating pain, however, it gave me the strength to actually *really* go out and be confident about myself and not care one bit what others thought of me, which in turn enabled my current relationship.

So, in my opinion, confidence must come first and from within, and the goal of "going out" should be more of an "in your face, world!" type of deal rather than "please love me".

[C-Lo]

I have experienced heartbreak. Heartbreak down to the deepest darkest pits of my soul. And the only logical solution I have determined, at least for myself, is to invent a time machine and prevent myself from falling in love. Therefore, since backwards time travel is impossible, I have come to the only logical conclusion that "getting over someone I love" is impossible.

Sarcasm? No. Cynical? Perhaps. A bent sense of humor that I developed in order to help relieve the emotional, spiritual, psychological, and yes physical pain that I have experienced as a result of said heartbreak? Definitely.

[dissolved]

I know that a lot of people maintain that you never truly get over someone you loved, you never truly let them go. You just get to a point where it's something approaching comfortable without them there. And you can get back to your life as it was before they existed, but still know that they existed.

I haven't loved anyone (as far as I know) so I don't actually know how to get over someone that you love. But I have been caught up on people, and I know that the only way to get past it is to throw yourself into things you enjoy doing. Find time consuming things and take each day as it comes. Don't suppress how you feel. Basically all the things the far more articulate people have said before me.

[Guest]

All very well and good, unless you have a hard time dating in the first place, in which case you're just setting yourself up for another kicking. I usually agree with you Skullery, but this time I've got to say it's better to learn to be happy without someone to prop yourself up.

EDIT: Though I should say, I do agree that doing something to stop the mopey feelings building up is a good idea. I didn't do that, against advice, and in hindsight I should have.

After I posted it I realized it didn't read well. but no, not sarcasm. Rejection and loss of love is excruciating, and part of it is this feeling of emptiness, and a feeling that only that one person will fit that missing piece, and that no one else will understand you or love you... going out and meeting new people really helps divert some of those feelings. Keeps you feeling attractive and interesting and keeps alive the feeling of future possibilities, all of which can disappear if you just sit and mope about lost love.

When I was a teen I tried that often, it led to a lot of being used, being lied to, heartbreak and general disappointment. Even when someone returned my feelings, I just felt empty inside. About 10 years after losing the person I cared so much about, I actually managed to accept those feelings. It was pretty much excruciating pain, however, it gave me the strength to actually *really* go out and be confident about myself and not care one bit what others thought of me, which in turn enabled my current relationship.

So, in my opinion, confidence must come first and from within, and the goal of "going out" should be more of an "in your face, world!" type of deal rather than "please love me".

Ok ok guys, we're talking about two very different things. This is likely due to our very different personalities. I can casual date... for those who can't, I agree, my advice is not good. For those who can, it's great advice. I'm not suggesting jumping from love to love.

[Vestal]

In all honesty, I can't tell whether that's sarcasm or not..

No, I'm not sarcastic at all. It happened to me several times. I got over someone I loved by falling platonically in love with someone else. "One nail drives out another."

[Tarfeather]

Ok ok guys, we're talking about two very different things. This is likely due to our very different personalities. I can casual date...

It's actually just a different interpretation of the OP's situation. I re-read the OP and see your point. She didn't ever state that her self-esteem was crushed or that she was in a really bad mental shape. She just said she can't get over him, but that might as well mean that she's still generally happy/mentally healthy, just with romance-related stuff she's struggling. If that's the case, I agree with you.