Drowgirl Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I'm going to try to make a long story short. Basically, I have known that I was asexual since high school (though I didn't discover that there was a word for it until a year or two ago). I remember when we got the abstinence talk in school and church, I had a hard time understanding why people would be "tempted" to have sex. I just didn't get it. As people started pairing off in high school and college, I couldn't figure out why they wanted to waste so much time touching or making out or having sex. Total mystery to me. A couple of kids at school started a rumor that I was a lesbian because my total lack of interest in men was pretty obvious after a certain point. But the truth was (and still is) that I was no more attracted to either men or women than I was to a rock or a tree. That said, I have always had this notion that I wanted to find a "life partner," something I viewed as a kind of intense best friend who I could share anything and everything with. Well, a couple of years ago, I met this guy who I will describe as my soul mate (though still not in a sexual sense. Still no more attracted to him than to a rock. No offense to him.) We were pretty well matched not in the sense that we were the same, but that we were complements. For example, I am a journalist with specific interests in writing about science, health and the environment. He is a scientist with a great love of reading. And so on. Add to this the fact that he is incredibly kind and generous, and what's not to like? He is exactly what I've always wanted in a life partner. Fast forward to last summer. He was accepted into a graduate school program near where I work and live, and I suggested that it would save money if we moved in together. But his family is extremely religious and strongly objected to the idea, because obviously a guy and a girl can't live together and not have sex (lol). So he suggested we get married. So we had a little ceremony out in my back yard. We've been married about six months now and have begun to experience some difficlulties. Basically, I understand that he is sexual, that he is attracted to me and wants to have sex, and honestly I'm perfectly OK giving him sex if that's what he wants. I'm not particularly enthusiastic about sex--its really no more exciting to me than, say, cleaning the house--but I can tolerate it and give him sex when he wants it because I want to make him happy. The trouble is he says he can tell that I don't really want to have sex with him, and he wants me to want to have sex with him, otherwise he says he feels like I don't love him and don't want to be with him. But while I can consent to have sex, I can't make myself want to have it. Does that make sense? Do you see our problem? Has anyone else gone through issues like this? How do I explain that while I'm not sexually attracted to him (or anyone else) and have no particular desire or drive to have sex with him, I still love him, regard him as my soul mate and really do want to be with him and make him happy? Is there hope that we can stay together without me making him miserable? Link to post Share on other sites
mike59 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 My wife was the same felt it was her job to have sex that is what married people do ... But as sexaul man you can tell she was not interested one of the things the sex consoler had her do make it less of a job was try to do more teasing (kiss and grab his crouch and say later big boy ect.) And when in bed try to suggest different things to do that you would like to try and not rush in to intercourse .hope this helps Link to post Share on other sites
Drowgirl Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 That's not a bad thought. Do you feel that, as a sexual man, it is better for the asexual female to say no (but in a nice or playful way) when she's really just not in the mood, rather than try to fake her way through? I had read that if I turn him down too often, he would give up and end up cheating or divorcing me. Which, honestly, it wouldn't bother me if he slept with someone else, it's just that I'm afraid he would fall in love with someone else...and I don't want my best friend and soul mate to leave me. (Though at the same time if he really were horribly miserable, I would let him go so he could be happy.) Maybe I will bring this up with my partner to see what he thinks. Link to post Share on other sites
mike59 Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Sorry I have been off line working . I thank it is better to say no in a play full way then fake it .a guy knows if she not in to it. Again sorry for not getting back sooner Link to post Share on other sites
Absol Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 To be honest, it sounds a little unreasonable of him to expect you to want to have sex... the fact that you will do it without a problem is more of a compromise than some asexuals can make. Maybe he doesn't realize how unreasonable it sounds, so it may help to just sit him down and explain how you feel (Sorry, probably pretty obvious). But it's really not fair of him to expect you to change how you feel, because that's really not something you can do. Link to post Share on other sites
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