How to test sex-positivity (but remain a virgin)?

[Sage Raven Domino]

The thing is that, though I masturbate very often, that I can't visualise partnered sex, just have never set myself a goal to do so, lived comfortably without it.

I hope I'll never desire it, but that's not the reason not to have it as a compromise and maybe it's not as gross as I imagine it.

I tend to think that the naked body turns me off, but I'm not sure if it's because of the orientation or some mental complexes. It's actually not a big deal because I can ask a potential partner to remain dressed or close my eyes and fantasise :D

I however find it hard to reproduce the mechanics of partnered sex when I'm alone - I've heard that it's very different from masturbation, especially the weird way I wank.

I'm not sure if 'training' it with a hooker is the best way - firstly, I'm rather asocial and submissive (while they usually wait for initiative from male clients) and would feel embarrassed about my lack of experience; secondly, I'm quite proud of not losing my virginity without a compelling reason. And of course I'm not going to date sexuals just for the sake of it, which is more difficult.

Is there an easy, cheap and safe way to simulate how sex looks like (from the male perspective), so that I know whether I'm repulsed, neutral or positive with regard to it? Are there maybe collections of 'home videos' where people do it like it happens irl (with proper foreplay and touch throughout), not in the altered way typical of 'standard' adult films? I haven't researched the possibilities yet, forgive me if I'm missing an obvious solution.

Thanks! (I'm not sure where to put the thread; I thought that greys can give higher quality advice on the matter than sexuals, some of whom can't fully understand how it feels to be indifferent to or repulsed by sex. And of course please give me links to similar threads where similar matters have been discussed before; I just don't know what words I should have put into the search function to get targeted results.)

Edit: OK, I was right in my recollection that there's been such a thread recently: For aces who have had sex, how does sex feel physically? I'm reading it now ;), but of course it addresses my query only partially because it's in the text form.

[Hobbes!]

Well. As far as porn is concerned, I can help out there - saunter over to a free porn site of your choice (You know what, sod it, pornhub.com), check out the POV category. It's porn, so unless you select some home-filmed stuff it's still a fantasy of course. But you may get some use out of it.

If you're prepared to spend money, maybe it's worth looking into getting a Fleshlight. I have no idea how real they feel, but you could always do the research.

To be honest though, I don't think any of this is really going to prepare you much for sex with a person

[Lain-heart]

I think you underestimate hookers. I mean, they are real people, too, with emotions and brains. They can understand your concerns, relate and try to help you to confirm, what you want. And as much as I know, not personally, some of them do their services for unexperienced clients and not all of them is dominant sex-driven male-beasts. And most importantly, prostitutes (okay, at least, some of them) are professionals. It's not a blind date or a person, who promises you something. It's employment.

Consider a prostitute as special kind of therapist and try to find one, you can trust with your money and body. It's not a virginity/pride thing, it is a matter of your concern to know something about yourself - how you'll learn that - it's your call. Whether, you'll experience sexual intercource or decide to stop it, you will get some aswers. The only reasons against is time to find one and cost, but medicine and diagnostics isn't cheap nowadays (and hard to find, too).

Of cource, it's just how I see it. Myself, I hadn't considered such option for myself yet, because I'm not so much eager to know it (now).

[Autumn Season]

I've never tried it, but on this site [MakeLoveNotPorn.tv] there is porn from everyday couples. Just a warning: There are all the messy things, too, like menstruation sex and so on. So you might want to read the descriptions first (if there are any). Also, you can get to know the website better by watching the presentation on youtube: watch?v=Hm7cVImCJ6U. At least the youtube video was interesting to watch. It's just a lady talking about the website, btw.

[Sage Raven Domino]

The cost of a hooker is not a big problem; as far as pride, I can just hide the fact from everyone and still say that I'm a virgin :P

I'm watching the Youtube presentation now ;) Actually, I've read about the .com section of the site before (just didn't know that it has a video section)!

[Rising Sun]

I think you underestimate hookers. I mean, they are real people, too, with emotions and brains. They can understand your concerns, relate and try to help you to confirm, what you want. And as much as I know, not personally, some of them do their services for unexperienced clients and not all of them is dominant sex-driven male-beasts. And most importantly, prostitutes (okay, at least, some of them) are professionals. It's not a blind date or a person, who promises you something. It's employment.

Consider a prostitute as special kind of therapist and try to find one, you can trust with your money and body. It's not a virginity/pride thing, it is a matter of your concern to know something about yourself - how you'll learn that - it's your call. Whether, you'll experience sexual intercource or decide to stop it, you will get some aswers. The only reasons against is time to find one and cost, but medicine and diagnostics isn't cheap nowadays (and hard to find, too).

Of cource, it's just how I see it. Myself, I hadn't considered such option for myself yet, because I'm not so much eager to know it (now).

I think it's a good idea.

But if this makes you too uncomfortable, maybe you could try hypnosis, or even learn self-hypnosis. You really can do a lot of work on yourself with hypnosis. And if ever you find that you feel more sex-negative than you think and that it might be a problem in your life, you can work on that problem with hypnosis too.

[Sage Raven Domino]

I'm fond of self-hypnosis and thought about applying it here already

[Guest]

I think you mean "how can I tell I don't like partnered sex if I don't have it?"

Sex positive doesn't mean "loves having partnered sex" or even "enjoys having partnered sex" just to be clear. Sex positive just means you have a positive attitude towards sex in general as opposed to being sex negative or sex-repulsed. I am sex positive, I just have no desire for or enjoyment of having sex personally.

Sex positivity (or repulsion or negativity or neutrality) is just your overall attitude toward sex in general and has nothing to do with whether you actually *have* sex or not (though sure, more sex positive and sex neutral asexuals are comfortable having sex than sex negative or sex repulsed asexuals)

[Sage Raven Domino]

I think you mean "how can I tell I don't like partnered sex if I don't have it?"

Yes, exactly, thanks for the explanation

[Guest]

Also it's worth noting that having sex with a hooker is an EXTREMELY different experience than having sex with someone you have strong feelings for, trust, and have gotten to know well. Paid sex is much less personal, and can be very awkward and uncomfortable. Also, hookers all have very different attitudes. You may get one who has a rude or negative attitude, which could make sex seem awful to you, whereas sex with someone you trust and care about can be *amazing* because of all the different emotions, trust, and the shared exploration involved.

I'd say wait until you are with the right person (ie close friend or partner) who is open to having sex so you can try it out, as opposed to hiring a hooker. But that of course is up to you, some hookers are really good at their jobs, just depends on the hooker (I've known a lot of them)

EDIT: also, I *only* watch home filmed porn (the correct name is ammateur) it's still not exactly like real sex, because they usually only film the oral sex and the full sex as well as other kinks or whatever they are doing (I've never seen one with all the foreplay, buildup etc included) BUT you can sometimes tell the dereference between amateur and staged porn because if the couple is in love or very close, they will giggle and kiss each other and talk to each other and it's clearly a lot more personal and loving that staged porn (I HATE staged porn with a passion.. it's so cold and .. yuck. I love when you can see that the couple is in love and very intimately close, makes *everything* more enjoyable in my opinion)

[Sage Raven Domino]

I'd say wait until you are with the right person (ie close friend or partner) who is open to having sex so you can try it out, as opposed to hiring a hooker.

The thing is that I hope I never need to have sex. Of course I won't be actively seeking a partner of generic orientation (as opposed to ace-targeted search) just to 'test my limits'. I only want to know beforehand what I'm OK with in case someone sexual ever squishes on me :D

I guess that, in such a case, I should just let them spend a night with me and see what happens :D

[Guest]

I'd say wait until you are with the right person (ie close friend or partner) who is open to having sex so you can try it out, as opposed to hiring a hooker.

The thing is that I hope I never need to have sex. Of course I won't be actively seeking a partner of generic orientation (as opposed to ace-targeted search) just to 'test my limits'. I only want to know beforehand what I'm OK with in case someone sexual ever squishes on me :D

why not wait for that to happen and if it does, then try things with the person squishing on you? (if that's what you want) .,you can try it stage by stage, start with naked cuddling, deep kissing, or whatever, move to touching each other's genitals, then oral etc..if the person is squishing on you they will care about your boundaries. A hooker may very well just want to give you a blow job then lie there with her legs open or on her knees while you finish off (a lot only care about the end product then want you to get out the door) .. you'd have to request someone specifically catered to virgins who aren't sure if they even want to have sex, and I'm not sure hoe (edit that was meant to be HOW, rather fitting typo there :p) many hookers would be adept in that particular type of job lol.. though of course maybe the range is more varied where you live :)

[Sage Raven Domino]

why not wait for that to happen

In general, I've been taught to anticipate probable scenarios, simulate them before they happen, so that I'm not nervous and know what to do when they occur. Anxiety can be costly in such a critical situation.

[Guest]

this will be TMI for sex repulsed people

Thing is also with partnered sex, it is very different than masturbation and it's *nothing* like what you see on tv or read in books..

If you are concerned about groseness or whatever, then having sex may not alleviate those particular concerns. All sorts of odd things happen during sex; vaginas and butts can make farting sounds by accident if either is being penetrated by fingers, penis, a toy or whatever, hairs get stuck in teeth, snot can come out of someone's nose while they are giving you a blowjob and get onto your penis, bodies become sticky and sweaty, if a female ejaculates it can go *everywhere* when she orgasms, your semen can go odd places if you ejaculate unexpectedly, then there is the taste of each other's genitals and mouths and things like that.. I personally like all those aspects of sex, they are something that make it more personal and intimate (again though, as I have no enjoyment of my genitals being stimulated in any way, those things don't happen to me perosnally these days, so I just watch them in amateur porn) but yeah, if you're concerned about grossness or whatever, actually having sex won't alleviate those concerns unless the pleasure of having your genitals stimulated by someone else, and stimulating someone else's genitals, outweighs your feelings of "eeeew omg!" :p .. of course as you yourself said, that's not something you can know until you try it, but are you prepared for those odd little quirks of sex of you don't even want to see a partner naked?

[Sage Raven Domino]

I thought that asking a partner to remain dressed is way easier than asking them to undress, but I see your point about quirks.

I strive for a mindset where I'd desire nothing but wouldn't mind anything; apparently, I'm still very far from this happy state, which might be made closer by self-hypnosis, as Rising Sun said.

[Lain-heart]

What's self hypnosis?

[Sage Raven Domino]

Start by reading Wikipedia; if you have more questions, send me a PM (in English/Russian or even Ukrainian, though I'll answer in Eng/Rus only), or I can give an explanation here later.

I've never recorded a script myself, though (I'm laaazy); I've been just using public MP3s.

[Guest]

What exactly would you visualize during self-hypnosis? just getting over the hangups and nerves you have about it? or do you mean like, watching amateur porn and visualizing yourself in that situation to prepare yourself?

.. I personally don't think sex is something that can be adequately visualized unless you've actually *done* it and know what it feels like. I used to imagine it and I had read sooo many accounts of what it's like and what it feels like, I was sure I knew everything about it and would be fully prepared for it. The actual experience of sex was soooooo different though because I couldn't prepare for how my *body* reacted during sex. My mind was fully prepared, but my body was just "hell nooooo" .. Even though the physical act itself was pretty much exactly what I had expected and visualized, the way my body *felt* about it and reacted was nothing I could have ever prepared for. . to this day I'm still like "whaaaat?" when I think about how my body feels about sex. ..I figured now that I was prepared for my body's reaction (total shut down, boredom, lack of interest etc) I could visualize and make it work better next time, find ways around the way my body reacts, but nope, every time, it was the same; with men, with women, in a relationship, whatever, I was *never* able to get my body used to sex, even after yeeears of having it regularly (daily)

My mind is just so fine about it, and enthusiastic even, that my body *should* be more accommodating. But nope, my body will have none of it. Body doesn't want sex, mind has learned to live with that and is perfectly happy that way.

So yeah, I was just interested to know what sort of self hypnosis you were actually going to try?

EDIT: also I just reread the title of this thread, how to test whether or not you'd be into sex without actually having sex (I know that's what you meant) I do think watching lots of real amateur porn might be a good idea. I mean again, it can't tell you how you'd actually *feel* in a sexual situation, how your body itself would react, but maybe it could help you to get used to the dynamics of sex a little. I'd say look for boyfriend and girlfriend and husband and wife amateur porn (or boyfriend/boyfriend porn if that's what you'd be more open to trying) .. When it's actual couples in the porn, it's a lot more natural. They are doing things they both really enjoy and both want, as opposed to like, the interview types where a girl is having an audition to be a sex worker and the guys just fuck her and do whatever they want pretty much, while they film so they have a record of her 'talents', or a whole lot of guys fucking a girl at a party and someone has grabbed a cam, I hate those ones, but you get to see much more true to life dynamics in real self-shot couple porn.

[Sage Raven Domino]

Right, about the best I can do is visualise amateur porn situations and tell myself not to worry and what to do and how to react to possible body movements of the partner, maybe using a greased hot-water bag for more 'plausibility' instead of a fleshlight :lol:

I believe I'll be able to immerse myself the situation deeper mentally under hypnosis than without it because I'll be more focused, not distracted by external noises.

[Guest]

Just added a whole lot more to my previous comment

EDIT (gosh I've edited every damn comment I make today) yeah definitely I mean at least visualizing is better than nothing, and in my personal opinion better than a random hooker who may be bossy or rude and really put you off it :)

[Sage Raven Domino]

Cool, I meant primarily the couple type of amateur videos in mind when I was writing the OP.

I indeed don't need to reproduce the experience in every detail, just to get a sufficient approximation and get a general idea, in order to find out whether I'm repulsed.

[butterflydreams]

Meta: I'm intrigued by how reading this thread has made me feel.

DiamondAce, for what it's worth, I'm feeling a little bit repulsed just by reading some of the stuff in this thread :P Especially the notion of "experiencing" some kind of simulated male point-of-view sexual experience. Yikes! I hope you're able to find what you're looking for though. Repulsion isn't an all or nothing thing, nor are all people repulsed in exactly the same way. Maybe checking out the repulsion thread would help give you a better idea of those experiences?

[Sally]

Having sex is not something you can simulate, or predict how you'll feel, since it involves another person. It just doesn't belong to the same category of trying to anticipate what it would be like flying for the first time, or riding a bike, or any other physical/experiential act.

It sounds like you're really worrying about whether you'll like it or not, if you ever do it. But 1) you don't have to do it if you don't feel like doing it, 2) if you do it and don't like it, you don't have to do it again, and 3) if you do it and like it, then...you like it. There's no need to commit to any particular feelings about it for the rest of your life.

[Guest]

Eh, amateur porn, hooker or just observing couples having sex is not a good solution. If you are afraid it means it's not for you! You can live a happy life without sex ot just have it if you meet a right person. If you are demi and meet the person who you love, you won't have any problem with sex. So don't worry.