Hopes that crush is an ace

[Autumn Season]

Have you ever had a crush and thought it would be so nice, if they could be just as asexual as you?

I'll share my story first and hope, that you'll share some of your experience as well. ^^

So I've liked this guy for several years now. Sometimes I'm not sure whether he is a crush, squish or something completely different, but I know that I'd rather spend my free time with him than with my (close) friends.

We talk non-stop, create a new insider joke each time we come together and I'm instantly happy as soon as I see his face or a text from him.

I'm not sure whether I find him attractive in any way. However I LIKE him and I'm disappointed, that I seem to want to spend more time with him than he with me (usually it's the other way around). In other words I am not even completely sure of my feelings for him.

Getting to know the ace community makes me think though. WHAT IF HE IS AN ACE, TOO?

He spends a lot of time on his hobbies and studies. It seems like, because he works so hard towards his dreams, he doesn't have any time to fool around. He doesn't go to clubs or meet new people outside of his interests group (other nerds *cough*). He doesn't seem to have any trouble being with me (when he IS with me) and he never tries to touch me or look at me or ignore me (like the "cool", sexual men do). When he is NOT with me, he never tries to meet up. That sounds a bit bad, but is it really? I mean, maybe he is afraid to get my hopes up too much, because he is not sexually attracted towards me - and hopefully towards nobody at all.

Obviously I know, that he just might not like me all that much even in a platonic way and/ or that he is more interested to look at other girls, whom he finds sexually attractive.

Then again, the thought of him being ace is too intriguing to let go just now. xD

Can you relate?

[JCruz]

Kinda but he turned out to be gay. One of my best friends though.

[Autumn Season]

Aww. ^^° I'm glad you stayed friends though.

[JCruz]

Yeeaaahh. That reminds me. I need to email that guy. Haven't heard from him in a while.

As for your guy, I'm a very firm believer in just getting it out there. I'd ask him if he's Ace or something. Or at least drop hints. You know like, "So I was on the AVEN site and..." or "So I was reading an article on (random topic relating to sexuality) blah blah. What's your opinion?"

Good luck with your endeavors~

[Autumn Season]

See, how well I influence you. ;D It's good to keep in touch for a friendship.

I believe you're right and it's kind of nice, that you bluntly told me your opinion. I have a habit of thinking something, but in a very blurry fashion, so you helped me out more than you might think.

Actually I haven't met him in a while. We don't meet often and when we do, it's usually because I ask him. That always bothered me and at some point I stopped texting him. However I will evetually ask him out again and if he still wants to see me (which I really think is the case) and we meet up, I will tell him something ace-ish. Then he'll probably give me a clue about how he feels.

[Aworld]

Moving this thread to Asexual Relationships.

Aworld, JFF moderator

[Lain-heart]

So I've liked this guy for several years now. Sometimes I'm not sure whether he is a crush, squish or something completely different, but I know that I'd rather spend my free time with him than with my (close) friends.

We talk non-stop, create a new insider joke each time we come together and I'm instantly happy as soon as I see his face or a text from him.

I'm not sure whether I find him attractive in any way. However I LIKE him and I'm disappointed, that I seem to want to spend more time with him than he with me (usually it's the other way around). In other words I am not even completely sure of my feelings for him.

Getting to know the ace community makes me think though. WHAT IF HE IS AN ACE, TOO?

He spends a lot of time on his hobbies and studies. It seems like, because he works so hard towards his dreams, he doesn't have any time to fool around. He doesn't go to clubs or meet new people outside of his interests group (other nerds *cough*). He doesn't seem to have any trouble being with me (when he IS with me) and he never tries to touch me or look at me or ignore me (like the "cool", sexual men do). When he is NOT with me, he never tries to meet up. That sounds a bit bad, but is it really? I mean, maybe he is afraid to get my hopes up too much, because he is not sexually attracted towards me - and hopefully towards nobody at all.

Obviously I know, that he just might not like me all that much even in a platonic way and/ or that he is more interested to look at other girls, whom he finds sexually attractive.

Then again, the thought of him being ace is too intriguing to let go just now. xD

Can you relate?

Yeah. You described me. Not in details, of course, but you know.

So can I? Of course. You shouldn't consider what I'm saying, as 100% accurate truth about him, but what I'm pretty sure about, that pretty much most of the time I live in my own world and well aware of it. No imaginary friends or that bullsh- I'm just roleplayer and love to create rules, worlds, characters and play live. I speak with geeks about topics I consider interesting, but don't really consider myself as one (don't know, why). I'm good at what I'm doing, and what I'm interested about, and also few other things, but that's it. There are chasms of ignorance and incompetency in areas I have no interest at all. And most importantly, I don't make logical connections, until I see reason to. You see I didn't know, if I'm asexual, that there are others or never tried to dig it. I just knew certain facts about myself, they've bothered me, but not too much to act upon them in any way. It was annoying, but eventually slipped from my mind. And then I finally discovered asexuality.org and picture consistent of thousand little pieces began to self-organize in my head. Answers led to questions and questions - to other questions.

I'm not asocial. I'm not much introverted, I'm not going tired of people, I'm just bored with them. I don't feel particular attraction to see my aquaintances, friends and family most of the time. I'm interested in social meetups and parties for the sake of interesting conversations and/or information, I can get there. I enjoy funny things, broad topic conversations and joke, occasionally, but that's a spice - not a main dish. I fond of good company, if they have charming manners of speach and mimics, if they're fancily dressed, but I don't care if they're not. At all. I don't maintain much of eye contact and look into other's eyes only it once in a while.

I'm not particular fun of touching, but don't mind it either. It's weird to me, because I don't feel accustomed to that at all. I don't feel any sexual or romantic attraction to people I like. I don't even feel myself, well, particularly friendly attracted. I can desire to meet my best friend once or twice in a month or rarer, when I think I need it and sometimes I feel superlonely, but can't reach out anyone, so I glad to know, that there one person, that will answer a phone any day, any moment, while I'm not sure, I can do the same.

I'm egotistical or somewhere on that spectrum. My life sometimes feel hollow, but most of the time, I don't care. I'm whole, so that desire to find "second half", "1/3", "1/10" is more like a phantom pain, comes and goes away. I'd like to be attracted to people I can describe, as 'attractive', but I'm not. I'd be glad, that my friends acquaintances show up on my doorstep more to take me out, because sometimes I don't spend as much time outdoors, as I want to. Just can't get away from computer, it's always some form of intellectual amusement, that keeps me grounded.

I'm not particularly emotional and especially towards other people (except of annoyance, maybe, sometimes). Lack of emotions bothers me, but on intellectual level I can classify and organize, what I feel or think about others. I'm glad to receive signs of attentions and care, but not bothered by not getting them, and not very good/consistent in showing them (towards both relatives and friends), but once in a while...

And most importantly, I'm straight. Or, rather correctly... blunt. I can be perceptive and understanding, if it involves logical conclusions, but also hard with cues and non-verbal speech. So, if you want something to be brought up, ask clearly, if you want something to be answered, propose a conversation, your opinion and picture and be ready to hear answer. If you want something to be, propose it (as result of previous) openly.

So, long story short - he might be asexual and aromantic. But, I can be wrong. What's probably a case of Asperger for me, for him might be just personality traits. You know him better, than I do, so disregard whatever I said, if it's inconsistent with your experiences now (or in future).

I'll be glad if that helps.

[Autumn Season]

Yeah. You described me. Not in details, of course, but you know.

Oh wow, thanks for the answer! I expected someone to say that they have a crush/ squish, too. But to think that the person I described is actually so similar to you! I'm a bit amazed.

What you wrote helps me to figure out some things, which I didn't comprehend about him before. Of course, the two of you are two different people, so maybe thinking he's just like you simplifies things too much. But it fits. A lot.

Come to think of it I used to have a good friend, whom I never understood. We had fun talking and I sometimes came over to her house, but she never tried for my attention. She never called/ texted/ walked over to see me. I thought that she didn't care - which is still valid - and felt hurt. But now it seems to me like, just maybe our friendship was more valuable to her than I assumed at the time....

[flesh-pocket]

some one who doesnt reach out to hang out themselves might just be shy or not good at making plans. i know i am. over the years ive kind of developed a "don't speak unless spoken to" mentality that is probably detrimental in the long run X(.

it doesnt mean i dont want to see anyone, just that if someone hasnt reached out to me, i think my going to them might be out of line. i don't want to be a bother, and dont take acquaintances moving apart personally.

[Autumn Season]

Hi, flesh-pocket, thanks for sharing. Are you suggesting, that both for the sake of the presumably shy person and for the friend it's best to keep the friendship up? (Sorry, if the question sounds weird.)

[herlo]

Im a bit weird. Being a grey a sex does intigue me but that might be because im a virgin. But for the most part i wouldent mind either way if they were a sexual i would compromise anyway to make them happy

[flesh-pocket]

Hi, flesh-pocket, thanks for sharing. Are you suggesting, that both for the sake of the presumably shy person and for the friend it's best to keep the friendship up? (Sorry, if the question sounds weird.)

if you feel yourself drifting away from someone you don't have to keep the friendship up. i mean to say that you shouldnt take it personally if someone doesn't initiate contact as often as you do, because it doesnt necessarily mean that they dont value the time you spend together.

if you like hanging out with this guy and want to keep seeing him, definitely keep the friendship up. its always a gambol if a friend is going to like you back, but if you're having fun together its a good step!

if you find always being the one to reach out tiring, you don't have to keep reaching out. sometimes people drift apart. it doesnt mean they dont care about each other. and keeping that in mind, you can always get back together and pick up where you left off.

[oflorien]

Seriously, I wish there was a signal for this. I don't mind relationships with sexual people, which is why I don't like to bring asexuality up at all. Still, it would be nice to know if someone was, because I think it'd make things a bit less stressful. Best of luck, Autumn Season!