My partner of 8 years just came out as asexual

[InChains]

As the title says - I have been with my partner for 8 years now, initially we had a physical relationship but it's now been over a year since we had sex, and some time since we have had any kind of sexual contact beyond a brief kiss. After an argument two days ago he opened up to me about his sexuality and finally revealed he is asexual. I am bisexual, and though the physical side of our relationship is not hugely important to me, it is still something I miss. I am also struggling to deal with the idea that he is not attracted to me physically. This is the only serious relationship I have been in, and I am engaged to the man in question, but I don't know how to deal with being in a relationship for the rest of my life where the person I am with does not find me attractive and doesn't want to have any kind of sexual contact with me.

I'm really looking for any advice or support people can offer about dealing with this news, and what me and my partner can do going forward - I don't want to end the relationship, but I also don't see how it can last long term knowing we feel differently about each other, and want different things from being together.

[Bad_Mr_Tree]

I pretty much occupy the same position in my current relationship as your boyfriend.

There are many types of attraction that one can experience, its just that sexual attraction is not one of them for asexuals (unless they are gray). I've been attracted to women aesthetically, which I previously often confused with sexually.

My only suggestions are that both of you be authentic and genuine about what you can give each other now. Is it enough? We never know what another person can give or not give in the future, and we should never determine our choice to be with them on some phantom future self.

Many suggest compromising, but I suggest against it. I suggest first reflecting on who you are, and what you need. Push yourself so you understand yourself more, don't push yourself to please your partner. I pushed myself to please my partner post-news break and it just left me exhausted and did nothing to make either of us stronger or resilient. We should never be the source of someone else's happiness, that isn't love but attachment.

And here is some of a poem about marriage by Khalil Gibran that find revealing and true:

You were born together, and together you shall be forever more.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Fill each other’s cup, but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread, but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

[NiTeLight]

Long post, sorry.

Unlike k.tree, I wouldn't write off compromise; relationships and marriage are always about compromise of some kind, be it people's kinks or simply what's for dinner. The problem comes when people have *too much* of a difference to find a sustainable middle ground of overlapping desires. The above post is right - stand up for yourself and your needs and don't accept a situation that doesn't meet all your *needs*... but it sound like you might have enough common ground that you could find a situation agreeable to both of you, or at least could reasonably give it a shot. (That being said, I would not commit to a marriage itself until you're sure you can be comfortable with whatever set up you come to. I cannot stress enough that you shouldn't rush that. In the long term - no matter how painful the breakup - you'll be happier to have cut things off now than "waste" years of your life unsatisfied and unhappy, and have to figure out a divorce on top of that).

It can be difficult to reconcile a lack of sexual attraction with the idea that your partner wants you (in any way), but remember that a lack of sexual attraction does not mean a lack of attraction whatsoever. If it helps, focus on the ways your partner *does* like you. Sexual attraction is only one form of attraction, and your partner can - and almost certainly is - attracted to you in a variety of other ways. To name a few...

He could feel a desire to touch you such as kisses, hugs, and cuddles - perhaps to the point of turning into a human octopus! :P (sensual attraction, similar to sexual attraction but without the sex at the end)

He could find you drop-dead gorgeous, a beautiful person who is very pleasing to the eye. (aesthetic attraction)

He could be head over heals in love with you, appreciating your beautiful heart, intelligent mind, and thoughtful actions and your mutually compatible wierdness society deems 'love'. (romantic attraction)

Then there's also other feelings that come as part of any relationship - admiration, amusement (he appreciates your sillier qualities), curiosity (he wants to know more about you and your interests), etc.

One thing you could try is to ask him to speak up more along these lines of the attractions he does feel. Another thing is that the decrease in the physical side (including, from the sound of it, shorter kisses) is because he feels like any such interaction might/will lead to sex. If you want to put yourself in his shoes, imagine your partner has a kink or obsession you have no personal interest in, but something you're neutral towards (maybe it's being blindfolded, maybe it's watching action movies... or romcoms). It's not what would come automatically to mind when someone asks what movie you'd like to see tonight or when they say 'let's spice things up in the bedroom - what sounds exciting?' but your partner really really likes it. You don't detest it; you just shrug and say 'huh, you really find this that great?' Occasionally, you might even enjoy doing it with them for the novelty, or doing it becuase you like how happy it makes them. Whatever it is, imagine how often you'd be interested in doing that with your partner and how frequently would cause you to get fed up with them 'always' wanting to do X and how often such a pressure would have to occur for you to want to have nothing to do with wearing scarffs or watching TV for fear that it might tangentially end up leading to that if you aren't careful since you have a hard time knowing what is 'close enough' to their kink/obsession that they'd feel like you were guaranteed to head into that territory. Sex, to your ace partner, is your kink.

One thing I've heard several mixed-orientation couples do is set aside clear rules (e.g. kissing and cuddling on the couch will *never* lead to sex) which may make him more inclined to participate or initiate such things. Also, a lot of aces are okay with sex - and *someday* I'll get around to making a thread about how that can be, but the above should give you an idea - so don't write off the physical aspect as 100% gone. He may be okay with sex being a once-in-a-while thing, especially if you remove the pressure from other intimate acts like hugs and kisses, so it doesn't seem like a constant presence. He might enjoy it for other reasons (the physical sensations, watching you get off, liking to see you happy and satisfied). If he's less inclined towards traditional sex, you might see if he's open to other options like him using toys on you, or something a little less full-on-sex like hand jobs or kissing/cuddling while you get yourself off. Everyone has different comfort levels regarding sex, but it sounds like your partner's probably not repulsed.

No matter what, talk talk talk. Talk the issues to death and then some. (The polyamorous community is a great example of this, even if you're not poly yourself.) In generic advice... Don't place blame; focus on "I" statements. As awkward and painfully embarassing as it may be, bare all your feelings, desires, and insecurities in a neutral environment.

Example: "I feel like you don't find me physically attractive at all, because we've become less and less physically intimate over the years, which makes me worry that you don't find me attractive at all. I know this is irrational, but that can make me feel like we're not in love any more. I would appreciate it if we could work out some things you are comfortable with. It would make me happy to hear you say "I think you're beautiful" more often and I'd really enjoy it if we could kiss more. I'm also worried that you might think that I always expect things to turn sexual whenever I kiss you or something. Is this true? I don't want you to feel pressured and I never want to make you feel like you have to do something for my sake. Would you like it if we established a no-sex zone? We used to be physically intimate and I miss that because it made me feel closer to you. I liked feeling like we were connected in every way possible and seeing each other at our most vulnerable. Is there anything we used to do - or anything new - that you'd be interested in trying together or occasionally doing?"

Edit: you might also thank him for the courage and trust it took for him to come out to you, and let him know how much you appreciate that. Acknowledge that it's hard for you, but stress that you still love him and want to try to find a way to continue the relationship in a way that works for both of you.

These are only a few suggestions and options. Take or leave them as you will. In the end, it's up to you do decide if what he can *comfortably* give you is enough for you.

TL;DR for all you folks who like to skim: compromise can work if you have enough middle ground. It's up to you to decide what counts as 'enough'. Needs =/= wants, but one person's needs are not always anothers and there should NEVER be any shame in admitting you need something they don't. Search for things you both enjoy, bare your uncertainities and desires, make sure your needs are being met, and if it's meeting all your (and your partner's!) needs, then enjoy.

I won't lie; a mixed-orientation couple is harder than an ace-ace or sexual-sexual relationship, but each relationship will always come with its up and downs. Despite the challenges, it *is* possible. Regardless of what happens, I wish you the best of luck. AVEN will always be here to support you and your partner in whatever you two choose.

[InChains]

thank you both so much - although we haven't had a physical relationship in some time this news came as a shock to me and I find it really helpful to have people to talk to who know about being in a mixed relationship and can offer advice. I will definitely try and discuss this with him further

[mike59]

My wife and I have not had intercorse in some years but we are still sexual (nude cuddling ) it just depends on what she is comfortable with at the time .like the other person said you have to be very open and honest what you and him need .sex is just a small part of a realship

[InChains]

I am comfortable not having sex with my partner, but our intimacy is limited to brief kisses and cuddling fully clothed, he is not interested in any intimate physical contact

[Lady Girl]

One thing I found really helpful that some of the asexual members mentioned was that they felt pressure to have sex or were afraid of disappointing a sexual partner who wanted hugs and cuddles (because it so often meant the sexual partner expected or hoped for sex to follow). I asked my husband and sure enough, he felt very much that way. When I told him, I really did just want the hugs and cuddles (some physical intimacy) and that I didn't expect it to lead to sex (although I had in the past), he started cuddling and seems more relaxed about it now. He isn't extremely tactile, but he knows it makes me feel good, so he makes that effort.

I know NiTeLight said the same thing, but it really did help me a lot.

[teagansk]

One thing I found really helpful that some of the asexual members mentioned was that they felt pressure to have sex or were afraid of disappointing a sexual partner who wanted hugs and cuddles (because it so often meant the sexual partner expected or hoped for sex to follow). I asked my husband and sure enough, he felt very much that way. When I told him, I really did just want the hugs and cuddles (some physical intimacy) and that I didn't expect it to lead to sex (although I had in the past), he started cuddling and seems more relaxed about it now. He isn't extremely tactile, but he knows it makes me feel good, so he makes that effort.

I know NiTeLight said the same thing, but it really did help me a lot.

Isn't it hard for you to cuddle with someone and not have that create a stronger desire for sex? I know my wife feels the way your husband does. She avoids cuddling for fear it will lead to me wanting sex. I find it really hard to cuddle without getting aroused and even harder to ignore the fact that I am aroused. We do cuddle sometimes, usually with her cuddling me in a way that is less likely to get me interested.

I often wish I didn't have a sex drive. Life would be so much easier if I could focus that energy in a more productive manner. (Not trying to be insensitive.)

[Lady Girl]

Isn't it hard for you to cuddle with someone and not have that create a stronger desire for sex? I know my wife feels the way your husband does. She avoids cuddling for fear it will lead to me wanting sex. I find it really hard to cuddle without getting aroused and even harder to ignore the fact that I am aroused. We do cuddle sometimes, usually with her cuddling me in a way that is less likely to get me interested.

I often wish I didn't have a sex drive. Life would be so much easier if I could focus that energy in a more productive manner. (Not trying to be insensitive.)

It doesn't seem to bother me...every once in awhile I might think, oh it would be nice of we were still having sex and this was the beginning of it...but most of the time, I just enjoy being close to him. I pretty much have to be sensually caressed or kissed to become aroused (obvious intentions of sexual interaction from the other person). This isn't to say, I have a low sex drive or libido...it just means I have nearly always needed some manual stimulation to experience arousal. I have also found that knowing sex is off the table has helped me not be so focused on the lack of it.

I decided I wanted to be with him, but not only that, I wanted to be happy. We tried compromising for awhile and that had it's ups and downs, so I decided to see how it felt to be celibate. I'm happy, so far (it's coming up on two years).

[Guest]

One thing I found really helpful that some of the asexual members mentioned was that they felt pressure to have sex or were afraid of disappointing a sexual partner who wanted hugs and cuddles (because it so often meant the sexual partner expected or hoped for sex to follow). I asked my husband and sure enough, he felt very much that way. When I told him, I really did just want the hugs and cuddles (some physical intimacy) and that I didn't expect it to lead to sex (although I had in the past), he started cuddling and seems more relaxed about it now. He isn't extremely tactile, but he knows it makes me feel good, so he makes that effort.

I know NiTeLight said the same thing, but it really did help me a lot.

I actually am extremely tactile by nature, but I avoid intimacy of any form due to the fact it always leads to my partner wanting sex. I think probably a lot of us pick up on the relation between the two for people and learn to avoid it to avoid the pressure.

[capt_pantsless]

I am comfortable not having sex with my partner, but our intimacy is limited to brief kisses and cuddling fully clothed, he is not interested in any intimate physical contact

A major question to ask here is : Is he averse or repulsed by physical intimacy? It's one thing if a partner doesn't have sex/intimacy drive, but could be OK with a compromise; and a completely different discussion if physical intimacy is hurtful or scary for them.

My wife has essentially no sex-drive, but we've compromised on a once-a-week cuddle-talk-and-maybe-have-sex night. Sex and physical touch are source of mild anxiety for her, but it's something she's willing to work-on. (Plus she actually enjoys sex once she gets into it.) I wouldn't want to push her into anything that was repulsive or truly hurtful for her.

Also - you're not a bad person if you choose to break-off the engagement because you and your partner are not compatible regarding sex-drive. You're allowed to make that choice without anyone else judging you.

[InChains]

when I asked my partner about physical intimacy his response was that he sees sex and sexual activity as a dominance/power issue, not one of love or pleasure and so wouldn't want to have sex with a person he loves. I will be honest in that I found this view disturbing, I don't know if this is something anybody here has experience of but I'm open to any thoughts or feelings on that - I don't know if my feeling about that is over-reacting or whether there is genuinely something odd about him thinking that.

to people that asked about whether he thought cuddling etc woudl lead to sex - because I personally have a relatively low sex drive he had actually asusmed that because I in no way pressured him towards having sex that I was also not interested at all/asexual. It was a case of mutual suprise when i found he was, and he found I wasn't. I wasn't dissatisfied with our relationship to a great degree before he told me, but I think in part it was because I assumed the option was there. I struggle more with the idea that he is not physically or sexually attracted to me (he tells me he objectively considers me attractive, but doesn't have any genuine physical attraction to anybody) than the idea that we cannot have a physical relationship.

capt I want to thank you quickly for the last lines of your post, it really did help me to hear that. I don't know if I will break things off with him or not, but I feel better in myself about considering it.

[Guest]

when I asked my partner about physical intimacy his response was that he sees sex and sexual activity as a dominance/power issue, not one of love or pleasure and so wouldn't want to have sex with a person he loves. I will be honest in that I found this view disturbing, I don't know if this is something anybody here has experience of but I'm open to any thoughts or feelings on that - I don't know if my feeling about that is over-reacting or whether there is genuinely something odd about him thinking that.

There's nothing odd, IMO, about his asserting that. I think many of us have certain difficulties engaging in the same sort of sex with loved ones that we can engage in with strangers. I'm not saying such a position is healthy, just that it isn't particularly weird.

And I agree re: relationship... no one needs a reason to end a relationship, period, but you have a totally valid one here, so don't feel guilty. Spend some time figuring out what you can live with. HAPPILY. Living unhappily sort of defeats the purpose of a relationship, no?

[Philip027]

when I asked my partner about physical intimacy his response was that he sees sex and sexual activity as a dominance/power issue, not one of love or pleasure and so wouldn't want to have sex with a person he loves. I will be honest in that I found this view disturbing, I don't know if this is something anybody here has experience of but I'm open to any thoughts or feelings on that - I don't know if my feeling about that is over-reacting or whether there is genuinely something odd about him thinking that.

Maybe it's from the skewed sort of asexual perspective that I have, but I can understand why someone would think that way.

For the longest time I never saw anything loving or pleasurable about sex. It stands to reason that some people never would.

[flesh-pocket]

when I asked my partner about physical intimacy his response was that he sees sex and sexual activity as a dominance/power issue, not one of love or pleasure and so wouldn't want to have sex with a person he loves. I will be honest in that I found this view disturbing, I don't know if this is something anybody here has experience of but I'm open to any thoughts or feelings on that - I don't know if my feeling about that is over-reacting or whether there is genuinely something odd about him thinking that.

I've never been in a relationship before, so i don't know for sure how it would be, but i can definitely say that i view sex in much the same way you describe here. so he wouldn't be the only one. and I've never been abused in any way either, so cant mark it up to that.

[Tarfeather]

when I asked my partner about physical intimacy his response was that he sees sex and sexual activity as a dominance/power issue, not one of love or pleasure and so wouldn't want to have sex with a person he loves. I will be honest in that I found this view disturbing, I don't know if this is something anybody here has experience of but I'm open to any thoughts or feelings on that - I don't know if my feeling about that is over-reacting or whether there is genuinely something odd about him thinking that.

That's an odd way to put it. Dominance/power is an aspect of sex, as it is an aspect of all human interaction. So basically he's saying that he's unable to engage in sexual activity as something mutual, rather than as something where one side needs to be dominant? Might want to investigate the reasons for that..