QueenWS Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 IF THIS IS IN THE WRONG SECTION PLEASE MOVE IT! Had no idea where to post it... When I told someone I was asexual she told me that I should have sex first before confirming it because I'm a virgin, I personally do not think so. (She's a sexual active person not that it matters but mhm) So I wonder what the aven community thinks of that? Do you really need to have sex before you can say you are not attracted to it? That an virgin who claims to be asexual can't say he/she is asexual because he/she hasn't has sex before? I was never attracted to sex and even if I said so I did it for the pleasure of the previous person I dated... he set me under so much pressure to have sex because he was a porn addict (worse case) and ever since I dated him I never wanted to try sex or even think of it because if I did I would have lived a life full regrets. I really do not want to have sex right now and I find it a weird and unpleasant thought. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ThaHoward Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 The same argument can be made to any sexual orientation then. "Sure you're not homosexual if you have not tried having sex with one of the same gender?" But I lived under the illusion that I needed to do that, and it didn't help anything xD It was just awkward and it didn't give me anything. The other way around people know they are sexual without having sex and being a virgin. Sexual orientation is more to do about attraction and desire and not activity. So don't worry about it and live sex free if you want to do that :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sage Raven Domino Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 So I wonder what the aven community thinks of that? AVEN's opinion is unambiguous: you don't need to try it out to know that you're not looking forward to it. In the 2014 census, 65% of the respondents identifying as asexual said that they had never had sex. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Per Aspera Ad Astra Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Do heterosexual people need to have sex to know they're heterosexual? You don't need to have sex to know your sexual orientation, who you're attracted to or aren't attracted to. I am still a virgin, and intend to stay so for the rest of my life (I also happen to be sex-repulsed, so sex is a no-no), and I can still say without the shadow of a doubt that I am asexual. I have never experienced sexual attraction, not even when I had a boyfriend and we were making out, and it is a concept that I don't understand at all. Sexual orientation is about attraction, not the act of sex itself. If you're comfortable with the label asexual, and think it suits you, then it's all that matters. Ignore the people that tell you otherwise, and live your life the way you want to. ^_^ Quote Link to post Share on other sites
thylacine Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 No, because it's just something you seem to know deep down. When I was in high school (there were dinosaurs still walking the earth then) the girls who were virgins mostly all went "boy crazy" at a certain age (12-14) and would say they "couldn't wait" to lose their virginity and "couldn't wait" to "start having babies!" and all that... so this person who says these things to you is probably quite wrong. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Autumn Season Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I am new here and not 100% sure myself, but... A lesbian doesn't need to have sex with a man to know that she's lesbian. A hetero man doesn't need to have sex with a gay to know that he's hetero. Even if they never had sex at all, nobody would doubt them, that they are the sexuality that they claim to be. So why should an asexual have to have sex just to prove that they don't feel the need to have sex with anyone at all? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
thylacine Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Don't let anyone pressure you into doing something you don't want to do, or you may regret it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Scottthespy Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I identified as asexual for five years before trying sex just to see what it was like...and I still identify that way three years later. This 'how can you know unless' thing is a cyclic argument...some one will say you can't know until you've tried it, and some one else will say you can't be asexual if you've had sex. If you ever feel the desire to find out what its like, I say go for it, but you by NO means 'need' to experience something to know you don't have a desire for it. You don't know whether or not you'll like it until you try it, but that's true of everything from cake to sewage water. Whether or not you'll enjoy something once you try it is moot when it comes to whether or not you have any desire to give it a try in the first place. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherWeasley Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Being asexual is the reason why I have never had sex, even though I only understand that now, in retrospect. I never really thought about sex and was never attracted to anyone in that way. When my friends started to get interested in sex, I thought, "Oh well, I'm sure it'll happen to me, too (because, of course, it must)." But it didn't and the only reason I ever gave it any thought was because the people around me did. Otherwise sex would have been a complete non-issue for me. And, anyway, being asexual doesn't mean you can't have or indeed enjoy sex. It just means that you're not sexually attracted to anyone. Some aces are sex-repulsed, others have sex to please their partner or to have children and some do it because enjoy it (or for several of these reasons). So, the bottom line is that you can identify as ace without having had sex, just like lesbians can know they're attracted to women without having had sex with a man. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mor Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 No, I don't think that. I suppose it might help people come to the realisation that they're asexual, but I don't think having sex is a determining factor in deciding your sexuality. People of other sexualities can know that they're of that sexuality without having sex, so I think it's the same for people who are asexual. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Schrecken Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 The only thing I've "known" or found out since I have had sex is simply that I can enjoy sex. I am still for all intents and purposes grey-a. Which means the same thing that it did for me years ago - if upon the rare instance I find someone I am attracted to (or someone for some other reason I am willing to have sex with other than attraction) that means I can enjoy having sex with that person. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BusTotem Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 "Are you straight?" (probably yes, if gay/les flip it, if bi/pan.. yeah, you're on your own..) "Have you ever had sex with another <gender identified as incongruent with question 1>?" (Very likely 'no') "Then how do you know?" Or just start pointing at random people who look well dressed and presented and asking "Do you think they look cute? Would you hit that if you were single and they offered?" Repeat until you have a collection of varying answers. "Okay, well, I didn't find any of them hot or cute. You can talk about how "I just haven't met the right person", but I haven't even met any wrong people; if it hasn't happened yet, it probably won't start now. Everybody else started feeling that way when they were a LOT younger than I am, and i've had everything else they did." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Peachyy Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 *removes glasses* Do you have to jump off a bridge to know you don't want to jump off a bridge? But being asexual isn't on the popular side of the block, is it? If enough people like something and it inspires a few pop album covers, then just how can you not want that, Jill? I don't see anyone out there teaching the mentality of trying out self harm, drugs, arson, or any number of other things most people don't like, and yet a select few find such interest. But if enough people like something, then the rest of us learn that we have to try accepting it before never becoming a member of the club. We're not allowed to leave that door closed like they get to leave ours. I wasn't born with enough middle fingers. Nope. Nope. Nope. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Autumn Season Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I wasn't born with enough middle fingers. xD Here, have two more. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RoninA Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I'm in my fifties and still a virgin. As far as my asexuality goes, I didn't choose not to have sex, the way I'm wired I simply couldn't care less, and I've never felt sexual attraction. I couldn't have sex if I wanted to. I'm ace and I don't need to put myself in an impossible position to confirm it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Coyote Eli Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 In a word? No. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Member54880 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Someone can know who they're attracted to, or not, before ever having sex. As others have already pointed out, straight people aren't told that they need to have sex with the same gender to "prove" that they're straight.Also keep in mind that some people will continue to doubt asexuality, and move the goalposts, and it's one of the most frustrating things. While some people say that someone can't know they're asexual without having sex, they could then doubt an asexual who did have sex, saying they can't be asexual because "it just wasn't good sex you had" if they didn't enjoy it, or "how can you be asexual if you enjoyed it?" if they did. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lain-heart Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 It's false extrapolation, of course. I'm totally argee with others. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
deltaX Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Everyone else has already given good answers, but I just wanted to chime in a reiterate that no, you do not necessarily have to have sex to know you are asexual. Some people feel the need to experiment before they figure themselves out, but that does not mean everyone has to. Some people just know inherently that they are not interested in sex before they ever try it, and from what you've written it sounds like you are one of those people. No matter what you, there will always be people who use something from your behavior to doubt your asexuality. In fact, some asexuals who have had sex are told that they can't be asexual if they've had sex before, so no matter what you do, you can't win. Just remember, your behavior doesn't determine your orientation, and only you have to power to decide how valid your identity is. :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Not realy , aséxual=lack of sexual attraction , for a starter I could look at a million naked bodies and not be attracted to a single one , I find it weird and confusing and strange , and I am aware that people say sex feels good , it doesn't make these bodies any more desirable . Quote Link to post Share on other sites
LostWasteland Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I mean, to me, that's like saying, you have to break your foot, before you can say that you don't want to break it. I know, when I look at people, I don't want to have sex with any of them. Not even the ones (one) I fall completely in love with. It's not even a thought, really. So, the whole "You haven't met the right person yet" argument is completely invalid, as well. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
PastelBread Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 You don't need to have sex to know you don't like it. If you don't like it, you don't like it. Plain as that. If people tell you that you need to try it to actually know and you go through with it, you might regret things. I think you're fine to not like sex without trying it. :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I had sex for years but I knew before I did that I didn't want it, and when I did, I didn't like it. I think by the time you're a teenager (say 17), you know whether you want sex or not. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ColorfulShine Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 The concept of being a virgin in itself is way too complex. Up until where do you consider you've had sex? Does it require penetration (the heteronormative kind, a lot people feel like lesbians who've never slept wth a man are still virgins which kinda sucks if you ask me) Deducing that the concept of virginity is overated, you don't need to have sex to know you're asexual. I knew I was ace, I tried sex, it only confirmed my asexuality. Wanted to see what the fuss was about. (answer: there is no fuss, I didn't get it ^^) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
plaidclash Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 It's just like any sexual orientation... Do you have to have sex to know you like it? No. Here's another little metaphor-thing: Say all your friends like to smoke. You know it's supposed to make you feel good, but you have no interest in it, in fact it kinda grosses you out because in your opinion, smoking doesn't even look appealing. You don't have to try a cigarette to know that you aren't interested. Did that make any sense? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
purplemutant Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 Having sex isn't a good way to determine if you are Asexual. Asexuals can enjoy sex. I have have engaged in sexual activity with other people twice in my life. I enjoyed both of them and would like to do it again sometime. That doesn't mean I am not Asexual. The lack of sexual desire is what makes me ace. So no you don't need to have sex to know that you are Asexual. People of other orientations figure out their sexuality without having sex, so the same should be true for us. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherWeasley Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 It's just like any sexual orientation... Do you have to have sex to know you like it? No. Here's another little metaphor-thing: Say all your friends like to smoke. You know it's supposed to make you feel good, but you have no interest in it, in fact it kinda grosses you out because in your opinion, smoking doesn't even look appealing. You don't have to try a cigarette to know that you aren't interested. Did that make any sense? To be fair to sex, smoking does actually have a detrimental effect on your health, whereas the same can only be said for sex when you're not taking precautions ;) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Sheka4 Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 You don't need to just to figure out your sexual orientation. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Larkaloke Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 There are some things that it makes sense to try in order to figure out whether you like it or not, but I don't think that applies to sexual orientation. In fact, I'm feeling hard pressed coming up with something where it does necessarily make sense, aside from food or perhaps a certain genre of book or music -- and even then, it's completely possible to know ahead of time that you won't like something. For instance, I dislike seafood and carrots enough that I can safely say I'm not going to like a particular dish if it includes those things; on the other hand, I've never had kangaroo meat, and I probably will never know whether or not I like it unless I try it. Also, going by the "try it first" logic, everybody would need to have sex with people of both the same and opposite sex to figure out their orientation, and I don't think you'll find too many people who would recommend that to everyone in the world. You can tell whether or not you're attracted to somebody without doing anything with them at all, and that's enough. Of course, some people may need to experiment to be sure, and that's cool, but oughtn't be a reason to tell other people that they should. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
I Shot the Serif Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I don't think it's needed for the "I think you're hot" aspect, but trying it can help you figure out how you feel about the actual act. Sexual attraction isn't everything in sex. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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