Hunter James Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I think this is the first time I've started a thread here besides my "Hello there" one in the welcome forum. I've been Dickensian, by the way, weekly stopping by with my dapper Dickensian Gonzo avatar. But now that avatar is really me and the name is brand-spanking new. I wanted to start a thread to talk about names and gender. I was designated female at birth - despite how my mom says she swears she was going to have a boy! - and given the name "Diane Elizabeth." I've been trying to escape out from under that name for over thirty years. In middle school I tried to get people to call me "Zaphod" (yes, after President Beeblebrox) and even tried just using my initials on school papers. Eventually I gave up and just insisted people call me "Di' and never mention the rest of it. When I started doing business online, though, I ended up using my name, and getting "Diane'ed" and worse "Diana'ed" in emails and messages all the time. And if you've got any kind of name dysphoria associated with your gender, you know how this grates on you. In the past two years I've become more and more accepting of being transgendered, embracing my masculine traits, getting comfortable in a middle neutral zone. The more comfortable I got the more the name felt like it was smothering me, this big thick endless blanket of not-me that I couldn't get out from under. Last week here on AVEN I replied to someone about changing names, making the excuse that I'd tried it before and it hadn't worked (kind of) and I didn't want to bother my family and friends with a change. Afterwards, I couldn't believe I had said that. Didn't want to bother them?? When this has been a thorn in my side my whole life? When this prevents me from authentically interacting with other human beings? DIDN'T WANT TO BOTHER THEM?? I'm an artist, and feel obliged to sign every picture. Every picture I signed with my birth name felt marred in some way. I was never able to really be *proud* of my work because of that, I swear. Strange as it seems. It was like every time I put my whole heart into a picture then put my birth name on it, there I was being shut down and closed up and closeted again. Things HAVE to change. For the sake of my work and my sanity and my whole life things have to change. Last weekend I was looking for support and encouragement on Tumblr and scrolled past a list of gender-neutral names. I caught sight of "Hunter" and it kind of burned into my brain - I looked for the post again but it had scrolled into the ether apparently. But the thing is, I play hunters in just about every RPG. I grew up running around in the woods, picking up salamanders and bringing home tadpoles. I'm devoted to my cats and love animals more than people and nature is home to me. And all along I've been an observant, resourceful, survivor, of a lot of things. "Hunter" is a word that means something to me, a name I could fill with myself. I kept saying it over and over, writing it down, all week. I changed my tumblr domain, started making a new website. Later in the week, "James" popped up - not just tipping my hat to all the male role models I've always had to hide from everyone, but also just *allowing* myself to finally break away from the feminine, step out of the closet, and grasp the masculine as something I can also be. So here I am, a freshly minted Hunter James. It still feels very weird. I talked to my mom about it and she's supportive and open minded, but the one time she called me Hunter it felt a bit like she was calling a dog. Though oddly enough it STILL felt better than "Diane"! I'm going to try to get her to use "HJ" instead, since she always calls me "Di" and that familiar diminutive is kind of needed. ANYWAY, I wanted to share my story with all you here who have either triumphed over the name dysphoria OR are struggling. I'd love to hear your stories. I'm very nervous about "coming out" with it to my circle of friends, not to mention my brother and his family, and all the old family friends who have known "Diane" since she was a baby. I am going to try to push through with a legal name change eventually - if any of you have gone through that, I'd love to hear your experience. But in the meantime, what I'd really like is just to get feeling comfortable with it. It feels good and spacious and gives me butterflies (the good kind) but I think it would help me mentally meld into it if I heard a few "Hello Hunter!"s or "Hi HJ!"s - if you could spare one. This community has helped me so much in the past couple months get comfortable with myself, I can't express my gratitude. I think this is just another step. And gosh, thanks for reading all that! Link to post Share on other sites
SorryNotSorry Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I hear ya... IMO many people put a little too much stock in names. The clothes may not make the man, but some people think the name does. Must be a belief-in-magic thing. As for me, the only thing holding me back from getting my name legally changed is lack of money, but I eventually want to get it done because I don't want my birth name smeared across the covers of the books I'm writing. Link to post Share on other sites
dissolved Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Hmm. Good on you. I've always hated my ridiculously feminine legal name, and only accept its use by my family (obstinate humans) and in professional situations (not worth the hassle). I go by a less feminine chosen name or a nickname around everyone else, despite actually being male-minded. One day I think I will legally change it something neutral or unisex, but until then I don't think it bothers me too much. (You watch, you'll have planted the seeds of doubt now :D) I also find it very interesting to find out what people would've been named had they been born the opposite sex (mine for example would've been Niall if I'd been born a boy). Link to post Share on other sites
Dodecahedron314 Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Hi Hunter! Glad you've found a name that works for you! :D I'm still considering the whole name thing. I'll be moving in a few months, and so that would be the most optimal time to make a change, either to my nicely gender-neutral middle name or to a somewhat neutral shortening of my first name, though it might take me a while to get over the association of that particular one with being yelled across the house at me by my family. I suppose my full first name was once, in fact, neutral...in the 1800s. :P I might also do what I kind of started doing a few years ago to cut down on the confusion of having a really common first name, and just go by my more unique last name instead. Link to post Share on other sites
Sleepy Skeleton Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Hi Hunter! It's great that you found a better name. :D An interesting thing is that your birth name is very similar to Diana, which is the name of the Roman god of the hunt. Therefore Hunter is kind of fitting in a coincidental way. ;) I'm mostly okay with my name. My only problem is that I very much dislike it when others share my name, but I think everyone feels that way sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
Hunter James Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 I don't usually check in here through the week but wanted to make sure I replied to replies as soon as I could. =) @dissolved I actually asked my mom what she was planning to name me but she couldn't remember. Niall is a lovely name and I think could go gender-neutral as well. I keep thinking, really, the more we appropriate gendered names for our non-gendered selves the better it will be. =) @dodecahedron314 Moving might a great opportunity to try out different names - especially away from the bellowing around the house (my mom and I share a house so I am still hearing the old nick-named bellowed quite a bit ;) ) It's those little shifts in life circumstances that can grant us opportunities for change; going from not taking many commissions lately to knowing I'll be advertising soon (left a job so have to look for work!) gave me this gap in which to ask myself, "Do I really want to sign my birth name to all that new work??" We don't always get those chances to ask those questions. @Lacey. Hi and thanks! One of those deep things, but last week while I was thinking all this over that fact about Diana came to mind. "Oh my god, she was goddess of the hunt." I actually teared up a bit when I thought of it. It made it all feel more right - like maybe my parents were just a *bit* off, you know? Names are such personal things - I think we've all googled our names now and then and gone, "What?? There's a optometrist in Michigan with my name and three kids??" Oh, the variety of the world! Link to post Share on other sites
Calligraphette_Coe Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 ANYWAY, I wanted to share my story with all you here who have either triumphed over the name dysphoria OR are struggling. I'd love to hear your stories. I'm very nervous about "coming out" with it to my circle of friends, not to mention my brother and his family, and all the old family friends who have known "Diane" since she was a baby. I am going to try to push through with a legal name change eventually - if any of you have gone through that, I'd love to hear your experience. I attach no more meaning to my given name that I do my SSN. They were both assigned, a life sentence. That doesn't mean I can't be a Refusenik, and if I have to lead this in-between life, I tend to go for the in-between names that can go either way. I do have about 20 years worth of history on a Feminist writing group and everyone knows me there by a pen name. I have met a few of the people in that gropu in person as an androgynous person, and no one thinks the less of me. I am who I am in that history and in that context. I think so much of life as a gender variant person is about contexts. It's about adding nuance to a reality that never fit you in the first damn place. Link to post Share on other sites
Jordan... Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I don't think I can say much on the topic of names, I know a fair few Jordans some are male, some are female. And you spell it with A it could be either, as I find a lot of people assume I am male and spell it Jordon or assume I am female and spell it Jorden. Fun fact, I moved from one secondary school to the next during the second year of secondary education, and there was no record of my sex, so they had to interpret it by how I looked + my name... I had the gender [?] on the register all the way until I left school :D Link to post Share on other sites
deltaX Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Congratulations Hunter!! I can't really relate to name dysphoria, but I'm glad you finally had the courage to change your name to something that fits. I hope you enjoy the new name! Link to post Share on other sites
DigitalBookDust Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Congratulations, Hunter! I had my name changed when younger and have never regretted it. It does get sometimes cumbersome having to explain why the name on my birth certificate bears no relationship to my current name, though, if I ever have to produce it for identification. My SSN usually takes care of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Hunter James Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 Thanks all. @teafemme, that's interesting to hear - I haven't started looking into the legalities yet too much and was wondering if it ever gets on the birth certificate or just a legal paper and everything else. I got a Passport a few years ago and am planning to use it again this fall, which is why I'm holding off on the legal stuff until after. I don't want to have trouble with it and end up not being able to go on my trip! It's funny, my mom has changed names three times through marriages and it was never much of a big deal. But if you just want to change a name to suit your identity it's all these legal hoops and background checks. Tricky world we live in. Link to post Share on other sites
Heart Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Hey there, Hunter! Hmm, yeah. I like it, it has a nice candence Link to post Share on other sites
verily-forsooth-egads Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 I'm glad you've found a name that fits, Hunter! This deserves cake, have some cake. I'm still working on that myself. I guess I'm just on the lookout, but to be perfectly frank I might be happiest with "Hey, you." Link to post Share on other sites
Hunter James Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 Hey you, SPACE MAGIC! A couple years ago I spent 3 weeks with a friend I had met online. We had almost always communicated via instant message and often using our RPG character names. I didn't even know her first name for the first couple years we talked. Then there we were IRL together and I think we got each other's attention by "hey" more than anything else. I recall using her name I think *twice* in three weeks and both times it felt so weird to speak aloud! Names are such funny things. I've put Hunter James up on some of my sites and have told my friends, but only strangers have actually used it yet. I think everyone else is going "this is weird." Went out to lunch with my mom yesterday and she said "Your shirt and all matches your new name so perfectly" but still called me "Di" the whole time. =P This is going to take some getting used to. Link to post Share on other sites
Heart Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 I feel so bad, I'm one of those people that takes a long time to get used to calling a person by a new name. If I've known that person for a while, their name just becomes who they are, and when they change it to better reflect their identity, there's some part of me that can't understand that they've changed. Someone can transition fully from male to female, for example, and to me they're still just exactly the same person, so I forget and screw up a lot with names... I always feel bad though. Ironically enough, I have much less trouble switching pronouns, no matter how long I've known someone. I think it's because pronouns, to me, are more intimately linked to gender, and as a genderfluid person I understand that gender can just change. But a name is linked, in my mind, to the person as a whole, and if someone is MTF but just hasn't come out about it until now, I still see her as the same person, just with a different body and the shiny new pronouns to go with it. But the name was always a woman's name, because it always belonged to her, and she was always a woman even when she had a penis. So, even if that name is as traditionally gendered as, say for example, John, then I still think of her as "John" even if she asked for "Jane"... I'm working on it though. Intellectually, I know that respecting names is very important. So, I guess all that was to say, it takes time. People in your life will get used to it, but it takes time. If you can be patient with them, they will appreciate it. But it doesn't necessarily mean they disrespect your identity, just that the mental shift takes time. It sounds like your mother is really supporting other than the name, so I have no doubt that the name will follow :D Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.