LadySaint Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Hello Im new to this forum and new to being in a relationship with an Asexual. I am a Nympho. I recently figured out that my boyfriend is an Asexual, which is also new to him. Now finding out he is one I am really having a hard time with wrapping my head around it. I fully support him in this new term to describe how he has felt his whole life, and I really love him very much. I do not want the relationship to end, but I need help figuring out how to handing my own issues In this regard. For some background: I met my boyfriend online while playing a MMO. We had chatted for about 3 months in which during that time we had done the cyber thing, also talked about doing sexual acts together. I had told him then that I was a nympo and also felt that sex in a relationship was very important. I had read once that more often than not relationship dissolve because of problems having to do with sex: one side cheats, not enough for one side, not compatible with wants or needs in the bedroom, ect... My last 2 relationships there were may problems with sex. Ex husband was always accusing me of cheating despite the fact that I assured him it wasnt happening and otherwise we were hardly ever away from each other. Boyfriend after that had a really bad porn addiction and prefered to masterbate in front of porn then have sex with me. I explained all of this to my current boyfriend when we were chatting online and he assured me he felt the same. Fast forward: When he moved to my town and moved in with me the first 2 weeks were great. Sex every 2-3 days. Lots of cuddling, hand holding, kissing. After the first 2 weeks things tapered off an they fell fast! for the last year I have been lucky if sex came once a month despite even my own tries to get him aroused. During our relationship I have tried to talk to him about the lack of and always got the same response: he doesnt know why he didnt have a sex drive. That he didnt even think about sex really. He thought he had a Low-T problem. 3 days ago I decided that maybe the problem was I just didnt know what he liked in the bedroom.. or in a woman for that matter. I also had the feelings that maybe it was something I did, said, weight gained. Hopefully something I could change/fix. So I held a Q and A with him. I guess I finally asked the right questions. Found out that he really doesnt even think about sex. Like ever. He is confused why sex is even a topic discussed often by people. When asked what attracts him about a woman, his answer: nothing. I asked what turns him on, again same answer: nothing. He stated that a woman could walk naked in front of him and he wouldnt even notice. DING Light went on in my head. My previous knowledge about Asexuals was very limited. I thought it just meant they had absolutely no desire to have sex or do anything sexual. He stated he enjoys it when we have it but he never thinks about it. And when its done its like it never existed. SO it took me asking the right questions to lead me to find out more and sure enough when I read to him about Asexuals he immediately yelled "YES THATS ME!" SO it hits.. and now he feels relieved there is actually a name for how he feels. And now Im depressed. Being a Nympho sex is very important to me.. its a need not just a want. He knows this. But then again he knew this before we got together. He said he has always felt this way, this lack of any desire, want, well..all of it. So now I also feel like I got duped into this relationship. I know he loves me very much. And I do Love him deeply. He has been for the last 3 days very supportive and trying to make up for the fact that now he knows that it cant be fixed-this feelings he has or lack thereof. But I know him and the things he has been doing will prolly stop within 2 weeks. He says he is willing to try to compromise- he wants the relationship to continue as much as I do. I told him I would like at least once a week- which is a compromise for me as I would prefer every day to every other day. He agreed to initiate when he felt he coudl at least that often. I just want to know how that could be possible when he doesnt even think of it! I refuse to push him to keep to his end of the agreement as I feel it is wrong to force him to do something he doesnt want to do.I hate the fact that it would be like a job for him. I also am having a hard time figuring out how to handle the fact that he would be doing it just because I want it,and he loves me and wants to fulfill my need but not because he desires me. Ive struggled all my life with having very low self esteem. Knowing he doesnt desire me, doesnt actually want to have sex with me does not help this matter. Sorry for the long post but I have been having to hold all this in. Its like i have to pretend to the outside world that everything is ok because I cant just say " oh things are bad at home cuz I just found out he is Asexual and now I wont have a sex life" and I am trying to be strong for him too because I dont want him to feel like anything is wrong with him either. So only place for me to talk about it is here.. yes I feel very alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Ricecream-man Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 From what you've said, it sounds like he still enjoys sex when it happens. If that's the case then it seems like you two still have a chance of maintaining a healthy relationship while satisfying both of your wants. Just make it clear that you do enjoy it, and he'll at least have a mental and emotional want to have sex because he knows it makes you happy. Plus, it seems like you can initiate it and then he'll still enjoy it when it happens. Let me know if I've misunderstood and this isn't the case. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 SO it hits.. and now he feels relieved there is actually a name for how he feels. And now Im depressed. Being a Nympho sex is very important to me.. its a need not just a want. He knows this. But then again he knew this before we got together. He said he has always felt this way, this lack of any desire, want, well..all of it. So now I also feel like I got duped into this relationship. From what you say, yup, you were. That actually sounds like deception with serious effort behind it, and whatever the reason, personally I wouldn't have it in myself to trust a person who pulled something like this afterwards. I'm not really interested in dating the imaginary person someone created for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Ricecream-man Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 SO it hits.. and now he feels relieved there is actually a name for how he feels. And now Im depressed. Being a Nympho sex is very important to me.. its a need not just a want. He knows this. But then again he knew this before we got together. He said he has always felt this way, this lack of any desire, want, well..all of it. So now I also feel like I got duped into this relationship. From what you say, yup, you were. That actually sounds like deception with serious effort behind it, and whatever the reason, personally I wouldn't have it in myself to trust a person who pulled something like this afterwards. I'm not really interested in dating the imaginary person someone created for me. I half agree with that. It was deception plain and simple, but if he didn't know what asexuality was and he was trying to conform to the societal gender expectations of being a man the "serious effort" part may be up for debate. Link to post Share on other sites
Mx.Jekyll Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 What about other ways of compromising? Are you both more open to non-penetrative sex? What about toys? Is the possibility of other partners an option? If you don't want the relationship to end, I think these are very vital things to discuss. If you aren't being satisfied, more problems will arise and you'll end on a bad note. It's best to discuss these things, see your options, and then if there's no room for further compromise...it really is best to end things, regardless of how connected you feel right now. I speak from experience. In the end, you'll both find other people that can satisfy your needs and you'll feel better about the break up. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 He seems to have a tolerence level; only being able to tolerate --sex in this case-- for so long before he can't take it anymore. He seems to nead a breek in order for the annoyance, repulsion; whatever emotion may be causing it, to subside. You should communicate those two things; when he can tolerate it and when he can't, and i think your relationship will work out.^^ Some asexuals feel less stressed/pressured with non-penatrative sex, some don't and it makes no difference. Others are indifferent of sex and are fine with performing. Sex toys can also help because he is not doing the penetration; the thing he does not personally desire. Link to post Share on other sites
LadySaint Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 As cruel as this may sound..( its not meant to be ) I have told him that if I cant get what I need from him I would have to seek it elsewhere. I personally did not mean from other men because I believe in being monogamous. I did ask him about using sex toys on me and he said he would try but he never had used them before so dont know if he would like that. He states that during sex he likes it. He has while in the act stated about it feeling good. When I asked him during the Q and A if he was happy with our sex life he said when we was having it he was happy with it. My thing with initiating it is Ive been rejected before.. not like he has said no or anything but he just couldnt get into it and I ended up giving up. He said he wasnt repulsed or anything. Just that he couldnt get n the mood. With this in mind I worry that his end of the compromise just isnt going to hold up. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 So by saying "seak it from other men while being monogamous" you mean break up.Also, what does he mean by not being able to get into the mood? That's what putting up with sex is about (for sexuals and asexuals). Can he not get it up, does he experience sexual attraction rarely and or under specific circumstances, that he couldnt return the emotions as much as you wanted? Sexual attraction being genital arousal and the desire to do sexual things to or with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
LadySaint Posted March 29, 2015 Author Share Posted March 29, 2015 Naw I wouldnt seek it from other men as I love this one. WHen I said I would seek it from elsewhere I meant having to turn to porn and masturbation. But I am finding that Im feeling if things just cant seem to work out that we would have to disolve the relationship. This is not what I want though. As far as not get in the mood , yes I mean he cant get it up.. or even like half way through the act he goes soft. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 That could be because he has no sexual attraction; asexuals can have problems with preforming; he may feel stressed and thats causing the ED, or acting sexually toward someone he does not have that feeling for is a turn off (along with sex being less pleasurable, problems coming, etc., but successful masturbation proves that its not a bodily problem). Link to post Share on other sites
LadySaint Posted April 7, 2015 Author Share Posted April 7, 2015 He states he does not masterbate.. and I have talked to him more in depth about it recently and he has finally stated that he was really stressed at letting me down so I have done what I can to assure him that even if he does have "performance problems" it would not be a let down to me. It seems he has a physiological response to sexual stimuli, but the sexual desire is def not there. He states he enjoys sex when we have it-that it feels good ect... he just doesnt ever think about it and that nothing really turns him on. He has no erogenous zones or any of that. He also states that he has no emotional connection to sex and could be fine going without. He just doesnt care one way or the other. Thats my problem, though, and I am trying really hard to be understanding of how he feels. I am trying to work through my own issues as I personally feel that knowing he is is Asexual that it is no longer his problem.. its mine. My problem is getting past the thought that if I initiate sex I am asking him to do something he doesnt want to do. He said before that he started holding back affection becasue he was worried it would lead to sex. SO im worried from losing this part if I do initiate it. He says he understands that it is a need for me, and is willing to compromise, but if he never thinks about it he cant hold up his end of the compromise without me initiating it. And I dont want to get mad if he doesnt hold up his end because it is a part of him.. so Im left sacrificing. He says he doesnt want me to sacrifice for him but he lacks any initiative to do nything else to help him hold up his end either. UGH Help.. any ideas would be awesome! Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 It's a lot to think about, and I understand where you are coming from since I had a lot of those same thoughts myself (and also dealt with the holding back of affection for fear it would lead to sex). It might take some time, and some days you will feel you have the balance you both need, and other days you might feel frustrated and at a loss. I would say for now, just see how much of a balance you can strike and kind of keep a mental note of how often you feel bad...most people feel bad about certain things in their relationship some of the time, but it shouldn't be the predominate feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
ByTheTracks Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 You started this thread with the sentence that you're a nympho. You are in a relationship with someone who, despite every intention, will probably not be able to hold up any part of the bargain even though he may want to because he loves you. You already seem to know this harsh reality, and at this point the only thing you have to ask yourself is - how long can I live with this? :( Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 He also states that he has no emotional connection to sex and could be fine going without. He just doesnt care one way or the other. Thats my problem, though, and I am trying really hard to be understanding of how he feels. It sounds like he's told you pretty plainly how he feels, and doesn't feel. You don't have to understand why he is the way he is; but you do have to believe him when he tells you, and accept that he can't make himself feel differently because you need him to. Link to post Share on other sites
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