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Asexual Men Musings


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41 minutes ago, TheSmokingSkellie said:

Imagine this but with a group of 18-20 year olds and you get my circle of friends. They all know I'm asexual (and one of them keeps thinking I'm incapable of getting erections because I'm asexual) but they go on about their sexcapades even when I'm around. I don't say anything cuz it'd be rude but yeah. 

 

Funnily enough, I'm super chill when it comes to them bantering about my asexuality. Just those moments when they describe how they did the nasty with someone that makes me go
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When I was in my 20s I didn't have a problem with it. You'd have to expect that working on a shop floor in the 80s. Fast forward to hear a guy in his late 30s and early 40s talk about it, is a bit much.

 

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On 2.10.2017 at 7:15 PM, will123 said:

I've never been bothered by my sexual friend pointing out a nice rack, but got annoyed when he'd tell me about his 'conquests'.

Said friend didn't have any conquests to speak of back in those days, nowadays I hear from mutual friends that he really likes to talk about them with graphic detail. Thankfully I haven't had to hear single word of it.

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Throwing this out there to guys that may be aromantic, but have female friends or don't mind socializing with them. Over the years I've known or (known of) couples where the guy would treat the female like crap. Knowing the girl I always thought two things, 1) You can do better than that clown and 2) If I ever had a girlfriend (before I found out about asexuality) that there is no way I'd treat someone like that. 

 

Have any of you felt the same way?

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An addition to my previous post. I had included this in my internet thread:

 

Quote

I thought I was hetero' but making no effort to actually be that way (if that makes any sense).

And it got me thinking about what I was observing when I was younger.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I have a programming class which is ~20 males, myself included and one female. A female that (now I have difficulty judging this) would be seen by most guys as pretty attractive at that. We get assigned long and difficult programming assignment that will go through to the end of the term, and find out the prof has assigned groups for us. Everyone's paired into 3's except me and the female student who are together. All the other guys start losing their sh*t like a bunch of bored middle schoolers thinking we're going to hook up now since we're partners for this assignment. Female student and me both look at them 'like seriously grow up'.

 

It's gonna be a fun rest of the semester... <_<

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  • 2 weeks later...

It's tough, no question.  Most guys sex drives are off the charts so to be asexual makes you an outcast - we rank lower than homosexuals when it comes to talking about it to friends.

 

Wait until you are married and you have to constantly come up with excuses on why you don't want sex....that's when the real fun starts, believe me!

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4 minutes ago, ConorOberst said:

It's tough, no question.  Most guys sex drives are off the charts so to be asexual makes you an outcast - we rank lower than homosexuals when it comes to talking about it to friends.

Most guys' sex drives are pretty average sex drives. I get that it seems like a lot when the own personal POV is from zero but no, most of the time it's not.

 

My personal experience with friends is also very different from yours. I had a lot of discussions about it, talking things through thoroughly with sexual friends and they were just as interested in my opinion as I was in theirs.

 

10 minutes ago, ConorOberst said:

Wait until you are married and you have to constantly come up with excuses on why you don't want sex....that's when the real fun starts, believe me!

There's only one person you have to talk to about this and that person is your partner. You don't need to fabricate excuses for anyone else and if you have to lie to your partner after getting married, the real mistake happened long before that.

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In my experience, it has been quite lonely in my sexual orientation. Most of my male friends, if not all, bring the theme of sexuality. Mostly, they do it just to brag about it, or just talk how some girl is hot. In these conversations, I am entirely, or mostly, quiet. In these scenarios, I feel out of place. In the past, I thought maybe I was gay, but I felt no attraction at all for men. In fact, I only have aesthetics attractions, and sometimes sensual attractions to one that have some bounding and as well is part of that aesthetic attraction. Anyways, my difficulty is that my sexual orientation is taken as some sort of joke, or something they don´t agree it exist because of their religious views. I know I must not have been the only one to pass through this, and I think it´s the hard part of being a male asexual.

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On 10/26/2017 at 0:08 AM, ConorOberst said:

It's tough, no question.  Most guys sex drives are off the charts so to be asexual makes you an outcast - we rank lower than homosexuals when it comes to talking about it to friends.

 

Wait until you are married and you have to constantly come up with excuses on why you don't want sex....that's when the real fun starts, believe me!

Preach it. 

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I really do empathize!  I also have a strong aesthetic appreciation - I think most girls look pretty and attractive...just zero sex feelings.

 

And yeah, when even gay people laugh at our sexual orientation (or lack of it)...well, you know we are closeted outcasts lol.

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I am more drawn to the way a person smiles at you than how their body is shaped. Sadly, often I don't find the courage to approach the person, especially men, because I am afraid how they would react if I tell them that I like how they smile.

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Aesthetic attraction is such a weird thing for me. I really admire the male form, to the point that I mistook myself for a straight girl when I was younger. Turns out I was more interested in looking male rather than having any particular romantic/sexual interest in men. I think my aesthetic interest in men only got stronger with transition too, but I also gained a better appreciation for the feminine form as I stopped associating femininity with everything that distressed me about my body.

 

8 hours ago, Bloc said:

I am more drawn to the way a person smiles at you than how their body is shaped. Sadly, often I don't find the courage to approach the person, especially men, because I am afraid how they would react if I tell them that I like how they smile.

I feel that way every time I'm aesthetically attracted to someone. I felt awkward enough at the thought of saying something when I was perceived female, so I'm afraid that saying something now that I'm exclusively read as male will come off as especially creepy and possibly get misconstrued for a sexual advance. >.<  

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21 hours ago, ConorOberst said:

I really do empathize!  I also have a strong aesthetic appreciation - I think most girls look pretty and attractive...just zero sex feelings.

@ConorOberstIf we think that way, does it make us bad people? I don't think anything negative about them or fantasize about them afterwards. I just think at the moment, "That girl I held the door open for is cute", and go on my way.

 

Another thought, I can talk to random females at the checkout, movie or concert lineups, but in a social setting,

 

I'm fucked

.

Friends will be with me and I'll end up talking to a girl about something and then they make a big deal about it later. "He was talking to a girl!" "She asked me something about my truck, did you want me to run away?"

 

In the past I've been out with a couple I know and they will have an unattached female with them. For the life of me I can barely strike up a meaningful conversion with her. 

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On 29/10/2017 at 4:42 PM, will123 said:

@ConorOberstIf we think that way, does it make us bad people? 

Why do you say this?  What's bad about thinking someone looks attractive?  Nothing wrong with that.

On 29/10/2017 at 4:42 PM, will123 said:
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I'm fucked

 

Friends will be with me and I'll end up talking to a girl about something and then they make a big deal about it later. "He was talking to a girl!" "She asked me something about my truck, did you want me to run away?"

 

In the past I've been out with a couple I know and they will have an unattached female with them. For the life of me I can barely strike up a meaningful conversion with her. 

Would you say that you are an "attractive" person?  On a scale of 1-10 where do you fit in (based on what society thinks is attractive)?

 

I find it very easy to talk to girls in any situation.  I tend to find that you can say anything as long as you smile at the same time.  I compliment everyone (even guys) - everyone loves a genuine compliment.  When it comes to talking to people - the Golden rule is to just ask questions.  In conversation I generally talk 20% and listen 80%...and the 20% is just me asking questions.

 

Screw what your friends say!  I am interested to know why you felt like a bad person for appreciating the appearance of women?

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33 minutes ago, ConorOberst said:

I am interested to know why you felt like a bad person for appreciating the appearance of women?

Oh I wasn't feeling that way, some feminists get upset when people think that men should think the same about all females regardless of their appearance.

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26 minutes ago, will123 said:

Oh I wasn't feeling that way, some feminists get upset when people think that men should think the same about all females regardless of their appearance.

Yeah, I don't buy into Marxist Feminism.  I have a very strong appreciation of beauty - nothing is more beautiful than an attractive woman.  It's just a shame I don't feel any sexual thoughts along with it :(

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3 minutes ago, ConorOberst said:

Yeah, I don't buy into Marxist Feminism.  I have a very strong appreciation of beauty - nothing is more beautiful than an attractive woman.  It's just a shame I don't feel any sexual thoughts along with it :(

^ What he said

;)

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No need to feel bad about not having sexual thoughts. It's just the lack of a particular sort of attraction, that's all. I agree on that sort of feminism though. Those kind of ideas about beauty are just a waste of energy.

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TheLastOfSheila
16 hours ago, ConorOberst said:

Yeah, I don't buy into Marxist Feminism.  I have a very strong appreciation of beauty - nothing is more beautiful than an attractive woman.  It's just a shame I don't feel any sexual thoughts along with it :(

Forgive me for intruding, my Ace brothers, but I often enjoy reading your musings, and I have to agree totally here.  I recall when the actress, Carrie Fisher, passed away.  A man, I don't recall who, some celeb who had known her, commented upon the amazing talent of Ms. Fisher, and also mentioned how physically beautiful she was.  Well my goodness, the internet blew up with the outraged feminists about this person acknowledging Ms. Fisher's beauty.  I was like, "Oh bitches please..."  Carrie Fisher was a great actor, writer, and singer, as well as being a very funny and compassionate woman; and dammit, she was beautiful!  I get so angry with that feminist bullshit sometimes, and I feel it reflects badly on all women.  Ok, rant over, lol! 

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On the other hand, beauty or celebrity can go both ways. A co-worker commented on a hot looking female that he'd seen on a TV talk show. Not sure if she a Playboy Playmate or an actress. My friend said she looked great, but as soon as she opened her mouth and started to talk, the whole 'effect' was lost.

 

Same goes for some male actors, good in their roles, but don't have much to listen to when they talk. 

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5 hours ago, TheLastOfSheila said:

Forgive me for intruding, my Ace brothers, but I often enjoy reading your musings, and I have to agree totally here.  I recall when the actress, Carrie Fisher, passed away.  A man, I don't recall who, some celeb who had known her, commented upon the amazing talent of Ms. Fisher, and also mentioned how physically beautiful she was.  Well my goodness, the internet blew up with the outraged feminists about this person acknowledging Ms. Fisher's beauty.  I was like, "Oh bitches please..."  Carrie Fisher was a great actor, writer, and singer, as well as being a very funny and compassionate woman; and dammit, she was beautiful!  I get so angry with that feminist bullshit sometimes, and I feel it reflects badly on all women.  Ok, rant over, lol! 

I think it's because feminists see compliments as reductionary, some sort of objectifying of women when nothing could be further from the truth.  I suppose the feminists see a sort of sexual overtone to the compliment (which to be honest, maybe true a lot of the times).  Yet I'm pretty sure not a single feminist would take offense at someone complimenting their intelligence or artistic ability...both of which are just as genetically predetermined as beauty.

 

I know it will probably get me into trouble in the future, but I think most woman are impossibly pretty and I tell them.  Maybe they can sense that there's no sexual overtones to my compliment.  As Milo says, Feminism is cancer.  It seeks to divide us, not bring us together.  

 

I would definitely see myself as pro womens rights (heck, I even watch the factual feminist on YouTube!) But I certainly wouldn't align myself with a post modern Marxist cult like 3rd wave Feminism!

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6 hours ago, TheLastOfSheila said:

Forgive me for intruding, my Ace brothers, but I often enjoy reading your musings, and I have to agree totally here.  I recall when the actress, Carrie Fisher, passed away.  A man, I don't recall who, some celeb who had known her, commented upon the amazing talent of Ms. Fisher, and also mentioned how physically beautiful she was.  Well my goodness, the internet blew up with the outraged feminists about this person acknowledging Ms. Fisher's beauty.  I was like, "Oh bitches please..."  Carrie Fisher was a great actor, writer, and singer, as well as being a very funny and compassionate woman; and dammit, she was beautiful!  I get so angry with that feminist bullshit sometimes, and I feel it reflects badly on all women.  Ok, rant over, lol! 

Not a problem! 

 

That's really sad about that reaction. 

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I've always felt as if the hyper-sexuality of men is a stereotype that I've really struggled with. I have conversations with other  (sexual) guys, and they often seem to be focused on who  they want to sleep with. The pressure is intense, and anytime I am seen with a girl, people ask me if we are sleeping together. This has escalated to the point that I felt the need to become sexually active again just to take the pressure of myself and fit in. Which of course, makes me feel even worse, because the act of sex not only brushes me the wrong way slightly (like petting a dog the wrong way, they likely won't reject it, but it sure ain't something they love), but because I am filled with this immense self-loathing and guilt, knowing that I don't feel the way I "should" or am I expected to.

 

My friends would be supportive if I came out, but likely wouldn't understand and I'm not ready to come out yet...the balance of trying to fit in with people (I am, sadly, quite the extrovert) and being true to myself and my sexuality is something I struggle with daily. 

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I guess I'm the only one who doesn't feel "pressure" of "society" then ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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nothinbuttrouble

I didn't have sex in the old days due to pressure from society. I did it for two reasons: 1) I didn't believe what I was feeling could

be real. I thought I just had to keep trying things and I would find what I liked. Everyone around me seemed to be having so

much fun with sex- and I like fun too, dammit. It took me a long time to just face it. No fun there for me. 2) When someone I liked

wanted to have sex with me, I didn't want to let them down. It seemed like no big deal to do that favor for them as long as I

practiced safe sex, which I always did. Again, it took me a long time to realize how much of a drag that was for me. I'm pretty

emotionally tough so sometimes it takes awhile for me to realize when something is doing me harm that way.

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Interesting read. :)

 

I personally don't see the need to "come out" and say I'm asexual. I'd tell someone if they asked about my sexuality but it doesn't affect me like it might do other people. I know who I am now and don't worry anymore about why I'm not interested in sex or dating. 

 

People have always assumed that I'm gay because of my lack of interest but I imagine that's quite a common thing for asexual men to experience.

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On 11/10/2017 at 1:09 AM, The Unknown Warrior said:

People have always assumed that I'm gay because of my lack of interest but I imagine that's quite a common thing for asexual men to experience.

Aye. I'm like 70% sure the people at work probably think I'm gay but I'm not in any hurry to correct that :P

 

In fairness, there might be some basis for drawing that conclusion. We had a team night out last year, I got very drunk, danced with anyone and everyone I could, male and female alike :lol:  I remember someone specifically asking me if I was gay at some point that night but I can't remember what I said to them. I just really like dancing, and dancing with other people is even more fun.

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On 11/9/2017 at 8:09 PM, The Unknown Warrior said:

Interesting read. :)

 

I personally don't see the need to "come out" and say I'm asexual. I'd tell someone if they asked about my sexuality but it doesn't affect me like it might do other people. I know who I am now and don't worry anymore about why I'm not interested in sex or dating. 

 

People have always assumed that I'm gay because of my lack of interest but I imagine that's quite a common thing for asexual men to experience.

:(

 

I know

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12 hours ago, Verbosoul said:

Aye. I'm like 70% sure the people at work probably think I'm gay but I'm not in any hurry to correct that :P

 

In fairness, there might be some basis for drawing that conclusion. We had a team night out last year, I got very drunk, danced with anyone and everyone I could, male and female alike :lol:  I remember someone specifically asking me if I was gay at some point that night but I can't remember what I said to them. I just really like dancing, and dancing with other people is even more fun.

It gets tiring after a while. For example, in my last job a colleague was suggesting I might be gay and not know it yet. Well, I'm perfectly happy being single, know I'm only attracted to women and sex is revolting so they just need to mind their own business. It has no impact on their life so why the need to raise it?

 

School was rough with a lot of bullying and accusations of being gay. That caused me to withdraw from people a lot and has for sure made me want to be by myself a lot more since. Mind you, I'm happy being alone. :)

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Divide By Zero
On 11/9/2017 at 5:09 PM, The Unknown Warrior said:

People have always assumed that I'm gay because of my lack of interest but I imagine that's quite a common thing for asexual men to experience.

Ditto. Especially with being aromantic because I have absolutely no desire or interest whatsoever in dating or having a relationship.

 

On 11/14/2017 at 5:30 PM, Verbosoul said:

Aye. I'm like 70% sure the people at work probably think I'm gay but I'm not in any hurry to correct that :P

I'm not sure what people at work think of my sexual orientation and I wouldn't be surprised if people think I'm gay. I often go to lunch hour yoga classes at a nearby fitness centre. There are lots of people from work there and I'm almost always the only man. Also, I' have a friend who is gay and he's told me several times that I dress well for someone who is not gay. And most people at work know that I'm single and I think they've started to notice that I never seem to have a girlfriend. I wouldn't be surprised if these things have the rumour mill working overtime on me. But I really don't care.

 

12 hours ago, The Unknown Warrior said:

School was rough with a lot of bullying and accusations of being gay. 

Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. Because I never went on dates or had a girlfriend or went to school dances, people at school suspected I was gay. It also didn't help that my best friend was gay. Although he didn't come out until after high school a lot of people suspected he was gay and since we were best friends they assumed I was gay too. The icing on the cake was Grade 12 and prom. I didn't go and my no show was noticed. The next day at school it seemed like everyone was coming up to me and asking me why I wasn't at prom and if I was gay.

 

12 hours ago, The Unknown Warrior said:

It gets tiring after a while. For example, in my last job a colleague was suggesting I might be gay and not know it yet.

I have a friend and I told him several years ago that I'm asexual. In spite of that, he can't or won't understand. He says things like, "Are you still celibate?" and I explain to him for the umpteenth time that celibacy is a choice and asexuality is not because you can't choose your sexual orientation. My friend also asks, "Are you sure you're not gay?" and I tell him for the bazillionth time I'm sure I'm asexual. It's really annoying.

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