Why do young ladies appear to automatically think I want to initiate a relationship and how can I avoid this happening

[Professor Gray-Asexual]

Dear Everyone on this Forum and to Anyone who can Help

I am male and Gray-Asexual and Gray-Romantic.

I am 47 years old. I have never had a relationship of any kind.

I am a life long celibate as I contracted OCD due to a virus that severely damaged my nervous system, and, I thus cannot have sexual intercourse, even if I hypothetically wanted to, as I cannot cope with the idea of being contaminated by another person's bodily secretions.

This is why I had to retire from medicine many years ago to devote my career to pure science by the virtue of completing two PhD's.

I have a problem that has occurred for years and I am starting to grow tired of its continual recurrence.

I am a very secure person, having been very successful academically (triple doctor), and, I also do very many other activities such as acting, modelling, swimming, musician, weight training etc. I am not too bad looking: 6ft 3in, laser-beam blue eyes (aka electric blue eyes), Anglo-Saxon complexion, lean muscular build, jet black hair with a Prince Charles accent due to my English education.

Because I am so secure in myself, I love complimenting people and helping other people whenever I can. This applies equally to both men and women.

Thus, when I interact with ladies, I almost always complement them on items ranging from their hair, eyes, dress, accent, demeanour, education, achievements, etc.

My compliments are always sincere and flattering as I love to encourage and inspire ladies to feel good about themselves as society places so much pressure on women these days in terms of items such as appearance, weight management, not to mention a still lagging behind of the numbers of women in certain professions such as surgery, which, in the case of the latter, is still a male dominated profession.

However, I wish to emphasize that I do not, in any shape, way, or, form, solely compliment ladies on dimensions of their appearance. I would much rather prefer to acknowledge their accomplishments in non-related physical attributes such as intelligence, impeccable manners, wit and a sense of humour.

Moreover, I like to compliment ladies on their own individual image which, by its correct definition, involves acutely much more than just mere superficial aspects. Thus, it may translate into complimenting a lady on her reputation, expertise in a particular area, broad or specific knowledge of a particular subject, creative imagination, and, many other items to that effect.

However, on so many occasions my actions have appeared to have been taken the wrong way. The ladies either automatically expect me to always chat to them when I see them again, or, as has happened many times, they appear to want me to ask them out. My deduction for the latter is that when I fail to make any initiation to ask them out they have always become disagreeable in behaviour when next I have interacted with them.

How can I stop this from happening ?

I want to be able to encourage and inspire ladies whenever I can, but I do not want to give the impression of any likely romantic involvement.

And, I don't really want to have to preface every single conversation by saying that I am Gray-Asexual and Gray-Romantic and that I suffer from OCD into the bargain.

Thank you in advance to anyone who may assist.

[SassyKingRobin]

I see what you mean.

I don't care much about appearance tbh X3 feels that society cares more believing

u should care lol. But I don't.

Anyway just friend-zone them.

Say it's good to meet new friends like you :)

If u say buddy/friend often they will get it. Or just say you have fake crush :)

[Myssterry]

If you don't want to send out the wrong message, stop making the compliments. They will have to get their self-esteem boost elsewhere.

[Cheerful]

"I am a very secure person, having been very successful academically (triple doctor), and, I also do very many other activities such as acting, modelling, swimming, musician, weight training etc. I am not too bad looking: 6ft 3in, blue eyes, Anglo-Saxon complexion, lean muscular build, jet black hair with a Prince Charles accent due to my English education."

- And in your off-hours, do you fly over the city fighting crime? Maybe you should change your name to Captain Obvious.

[Scottthespy]

Some of the things you're saying here are assumptions. Based on logic, but still assumptions. You say you are forty seven but call the girls 'young', which to me is eighteen to twenty eight. It could be that, rather than expecting or wanting you to ask them out, some of these girls feel like you're hitting on them and are made uncomfortable, and the 'disagreeable' behaviour next time you meet is them trying to send the 'I'm not interested' vibe. I, as a young woman in that age group, have been hit on by many men in your age group...non too subtly (including outright marriage requests), and I know from experience that a girl who gets complimented by older men can often become warry of compliments in general, even when they seem innocent.

On another note, while you giving these compliments is nice, it still sort of perpetuates societies message that looks are what's important. Perhaps compliment their friendly smile, or their work ethic, if you want to boost confidence without looking like your admiring how attractive they are. That may also help the compliments seem to be coming from more of an 'older mentor' kind of place, rather than an 'I think you are attractive' kind of place.

Unfortunately for you, confidence is sexy, and very few people in this younger generation have it without being arrogant with it. Meeting a friendly, confident, complimentary person of the sex that one is attracted to is almost always going to garner interest in that confidant person, if not any intent to do something about it. You're either going to, as Miss Terry said, stop giving compliments, modify your compliments, or get used to young girls acting oddly around you.

[RobPal]

To a certain extent I see this as a problem of the women who are taking offence to your disinterest in them, rather than your problem. It seems like these women are so insecure in themselves that they latch on to anyone who shows some interest in them as a person, but misinterpret this, possibly selfishly, to be more than just a friendly well meaning intention. If they can't accept that not every man they're interested in wants to have a relationship with them, then they have narcissistic tendencies and are probably best kept at a distance. Being an optimist myself, I have struggled with accepting that some people's bad sides overshadow their good traits and this has led me hold on to some toxic friendships for too long. I've become more aware of this now and am way more selective as to who I spend my time becoming friends with and who I should just keep as a casual acquaintance.

[whitesphere]

True self-confidence is generally very sexy, regardless of gender or age. I would say giving complements may not be a good idea if you want to not give out mixed messages.

If these younger women lack self-confidence, giving sincere complements really won't give them any. At most, it temporarily "fills them up," but their negative internal self-image will always chew it down until they acquire SELF confidence.

It's like trying to fill a cup which has a hole in the bottom. Until these young women learn on their own to plug the self-love hole, a billion complements won't take away their negative self-image. It will constantly be "filled up, then empties because her mind still has the negative self-image"

My best friend has specifically told me "I won't keep telling you how much I care about you because you're looking to me to give you something only YOU can give you --- self-love."

Self-confidence and self-love are basically the same thing. When you love yourself unconditionally, you naturally become far more confident because you're not looking to other people to fill the void where your self-love belongs. Other people will see this as "This person I'm talking to isn't on some level 'asking' me to fill them up. How refreshing!"

That's what it feels like when you talk to someone who doesn't have unconditional self-love. It feels like a "pulling" from them, to some degree, and that feels rather unpleasant even if it's not a conscious thing. When someone lacks this "pulling" feeling, we naturally gravitate towards them, like moths to a flame.

[ByTheTracks]

You can be friendly and encouraging without "giving compliments." And I would say if you're not prepared to be very warm to people after the first very warm interaction, you might not want to be very warm on that first interaction.

You might possibly be confusing people. If people see you as warm and chatty on first impression, is it unusual for them to expect that you'd be that same, stable happy-go-lucky and encouraging person on subsequent visits?

[Squirrel Combat]

Yeah, what the above post said. It is possible to be nice and polite with giving compliments or flirting. I do it all the time (even with this girl I like).

[SecretLibrary]

I'll echo the 'don't be warm if you don't want to keep being warm' advice. Also, maybe try to compliment them less on their *appearance*, since that's often a signal to people that you're sexually interested in them, from what I understand. If you want to boost their self-esteem (which seems a bit condescending to me as a 35-year old with perfectly healthy self-esteem, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt since it's hard to tell from text on a forum), maybe compliment them on something they've done well or actually listen to what they say and acknowledge when they make a good point.

[Professor Gray-Asexual]

Dear Members of this Forum

I sincerely thank everyone for their comments thus far.

I have learnt a great deal of items that I really did not know before, given that I am an only child (I never had any sisters), my entire education has been at boys only English Schools (eg, Eton College), and, that even in my professional life thereafter I have had little prolonged interaction with women on an interpersonal and/or professional basis.

I would like to reply to a few items though:

1)

When I say young ladies, I am citing the age group of early 20's to early 40's. I have no involvement with women in their late teen years nor do I wish to.

2)

I do not singularly compliment ladies on their looks, but, I actually try to compliment them more on their achievements, or, on items not related to looks, and, in my defense, I did list these in my original question. However, for example, if I see that a lady has gone to a lot of effort to wear a nice outfit, and, that the lady has taken the time to match various accessories, which I notice because I am a graduate from modelling school, then, yes, indeed, I will compliment her on this as I would compliment, and, do compliment, men who wear a (tailored) smart suit with a matching tie and tie clip.

3)

I do not "hit" on ladies in any shape, way or form. Neither is it my intention to be condescending. It is simply that I have achieved well in my life, due to a tremendous amount of hard work as I do not come from money (I went to Eton College on a King's Scholarship so it did not cost my parents a tuppence), and, I sincerely want to able to encourage and inspire any woman, or man for that matter, that I meet.

I hope these comments address some of the comments that were made in the post thus far.

[Prairie]

I think that trying to make anyone feel anything is going to fail and can easily cause them to feel less valued because someone has to try to make them feel good. It's sort of like quotas, where someone who got a job asks whether it was because of their skills or superficials. That you think that certain people based on superficials need special attention is similar. If you respect these people, it will show without having to go out of your way trying to find positive things to say. This implicit respect will be more meaningful. This will also solve your problem. Do you perhaps have a conditioned belief that if you don't go out of your way to make them feel good you're letting them down or not doing some duty? An easy test of internalized expectations like this is to try not doing these things you normally do, just have minimal interaction, and see what sorts of discomfort comes up.

Also, it's possible to be confident in oneself even when one isn't good-looking, a doctor, fit, etc. I almost think that it's harder to be confident with all those socially-praised qualities because people tend to be more deferential and unquestioning, thus everyone serves as training wheels that never get removed. The real test is if you're a social outcast but still interact with confidence.

[Scottthespy]

3)

I do not "hit" on ladies in any shape, way or form. Neither is it my intention to be condescending. It is simply that I have achieved well in my life, due to a tremendous amount of hard work as I do not come from money (I went to Eton College on a King's Scholarship so it did not cost my parents a tuppence), and, I sincerely want to able to encourage and inspire any woman, or man for that matter, that I meet.

Regardless of whether you are trying to 'hit' on these women or not, the fact is that some of them are going to see your behaviour as such. It is a simple and, for us, unfortunate fact of society that acting friendly in any way is going to make some people think you're attempting to subtly woo them. You can choose to ignore this fact if you wish, saying "I am not doing that so it shouldn't be counted as a factor", but some parts of society will still think that that is what you are doing. I find it frequently...in highschool boys didnt think you could be 'friends' or even friendly without it meaning you were interested. Even now, years later, people frequently misconstrue innocent attempts at small talk as flirting. Whether you intend it or not some people are inevitably going to think you are flirting. You can use this information to help with your problem, or maintain that it's not a factor and continue to have this issue woth some of the women. That is your choice.

[Sally]

I don't see what the list of your physical attributes, education, academic titles, and other accomplishments has to do with the question you've asked.

The attitude shown you at your second meetings with these young women could possibly be due to their recognition that your compliments don't display real interest in them as human beings, but rather an egoistic noblesse oblige be-kind-to-the-peasants manner. Try to get over yourself, cut the compliments, and you may make some real contact with people.

[the bumbling rotifer]

Hello Dr Dr Dr Asexual :)

I'm afraid my advice probably won't answer your question, but it may still prove useful to you. Here goes.

There are many different ways to be successful in life. Don't assume that just because you view life success in a certain way (i.e., academic achievement), that others will do the same. It's quite likely that many of the people you are interacting with consider themselves to be just as successful as you are, even if they don't have two PhDs and an MD, because they measure success based on different parameters. Try, therefore, to be inspired by other people a little more, and try to worry a little less about inspiring everyone else.

Yours most respectfully,

Bumbles. Grade 4 whitewater kayaker, grade 7a rock climber, good friend.

[Skycaptain]

Doctor Asexual, on the surface you are everyone's dream date. Tall, attractive, intelligent, empathetic, have the gift of the gab etc. Try wearing a ring on your wedding finger, maybe that would act as a deterrent

[Bronte]

This has got to be a wind up.

[Professor Gray-Asexual]

Dear Members of this Forum

Thank you once again most kindly for the comments, which have all been sincerely informative.

Just a few reflections on the comments:

1)

A number of comments suggest to stop giving compliments point blank. I understand this point of view, but, it saddens me somewhat to consider that, in this day and age, a sincere, and, heartfelt compliment, meant only to encourage, and, inspire another person, is viewed as something derogatory.

2)

There has been some suggestion that I may appear to come across, as a perhaps, an elitist individual. Nothing could be further from the truth. Everything I have achieved, and, that I am proud to have achieved, has been the result of honest hard work. I consider myself to be nothing less than an English Gentlemen's Gentleman, and, I treat all of my fellow women and men in this vein.

3)

Lastly, this post is not a wind up. I did not spend hours creating some sort of fictional character, romantic hero, based upon Emily Bronte's Heathcliffe in "Wuthering Heights", and/or, Charlotte Bronte's Edward Rochester in "Jane Eyre", although I adore both of these Classic English Novels, and, their subsequent film adaptations.

That being all said, I look forward to any future comments, suggestions, and/or, meanderings on my issue.

[Sally]

OK. I'll try to be very clear.

The people you are talking to don't care about your accomplishments. They don't need your compliments.

Leave them alone.

[ThaHoward]

Well if you don't want their attention don't give them attention.

And I don't think you possess a function that make you approve of messages first :p Which this post proves,

And for your 1) listing, then you gotta prioritize. You say you don't want their attention, but give them a lot of attention. For them that you "inspire" them may give them other signals than what you originally intended.

And out of curiosity, what is an "anglo-saxon complexion"?

[Prairie]

Definitely jumped the shark at this point. I was skeptical when someone first suggested it earlier in the thread.

[Hobbes!]

And out of curiosity, what is an "anglo-saxon complexion"?

White, I assume

[Professor Gray-Asexual]

"Anglo-Saxon" is an adjective relating to the Germanic Inhabitants of England from their arrival in the 5th Century up to the Norman Conquest.

As such, their complexion is, put simply, white. Or, in more detail, very fair to fair, the majority of adults have fair skin, with a minority fairer than Scandinavian Nordics.

Some may use the term Caucasian, but this is incorrect. Caucasians may range in skin colour from pale, reddish-white, olive, through to dark brown tones.

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[ThaHoward]

"Anglo-Saxon" is an adjective relating to the Germanic Inhabitants of England from their arrival in the 5th Century up to the Norman Conquest. As such, their complexion is Caucasian, or, more simply, white, with the significant probability of blue eyes.

So you simply mean white?

[Member4445]

Maybe you come across as desparate.

[scarletlatitude]

A lot of women (myself included) have trouble telling the difference between flirting and being nice. Doesn't that say something sad about our society, when girls automatically think you want sex just because you said something nice?

Me, I'm just asocial, so I tend to respond to comments with an "uhh, thanks" and then I hide back under my rock. :P

[Busrider]

Upon the original question: I am roughly your age group but a way less successful more or less mousy blue collar guy. And probably at the grumpier end of the rainbow...

Maybe you can figure out how you can make your compliments more harmless in a quirky way? "very nice dress Miss **, I suppose thats my share of eyecandy for today *nods & dives back into papers*"

Or express your observer role? "Gorgeous pinstripes! - What kind of job were you applying for?" / "thats a great suit, I suppose I don't need to wish you good luck with your job interview later considering that you are dressed to win"

Its probably really all about keeping your distance. - I wouldn't dare complimenting people whom I don't know well enough to be known as "desinterested". And if I am chatting strangers up its usually out of honest curiosity.

[Sandraisme360]

I am a woman who is not so yung anymore. I prefer compliments about my personality or intelligence. Most of the time when a man has complimented me on my looks he wanted sex. I prefer people liking me for who I em mot my looks. I preceive complaments on my looks as being superficial.

[~RedArcher]

My friend, I want to say DO NOT stop with your lovely compliments. They're not a bad thing and I don't know why people are advising you to stop.

I am a young lady. I admit that when I was growing up, the idea was drummed into my - and indeed a lot of girls - head that boys are always looking for something more, and indeed, they were. I have never met a boy who isn't interested in getting physical. This made it difficult for me growing up as a repulsed asexual, because any boy I befriended either wanted to date me or they wouldn't be my friend anymore.

As sad as it sounds, it has been deeply woven into society that men crave physicality and asexual men don't really exist. It's not your fault, it's just how society has evolved. Girls are expecting you to take it further because that's what they think you want, for you are a man who is complimenting them, randomly. Society dictates that mean are chauvinistic and if they're playing nice, they're trying to get you into bed. Not being sexist, I'm just stating that that is the male image nowadays. Even sadder, if you walked up to me, a total stranger, and began complimenting me, I'd probably start feeling really uncomfortable. Like, "what does he want?" when in reality you don't want anything.

It's difficult. Unfortunately I have no advice on getting it to stop, but hopefully this realisation will help out your thought process a little better.

Good luck to you, my friend. Do not stop with your compliments because some girl will come along and appreciate the heck out of them - someone who needed their day brightening. It's just a slippery slope.