northdw Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 i'm a 33 year old white male in canada, and have only recently accepted my non-sexuality(i'm not really a fan of the term asexual. in nature, asexuality describes creatures that can reproduce without a partner, and have both male and female reproductive organs. that does not describe me. having said that, i'll suppose i'll refer to myself as 'ace' as it seems to be the proper term the members use, even though it's a clear derivative of asexual). i went through emotional hell as a youth, struggling to find any girl to just go out with me. i'm not unattractive by modern norms, but i've always had a drastically different perspective than most people. the vast majority of my friends then and now are female. i never bought into the macho bullshit that the typical male thrives on. my endless pursuit of female companionship was never based on sexual attraction, just a desire to be seen as normal. the few girls i had dated dismissing me as 'frigid' when i wouldn't get physically intimate with them. it's a very odd feeling to have a girl express a desire to have sex with me, and then turning her down for completely unknown reasons. i was married at 25 to a woman that i had convinced myself that i loved, and for a time, managed to perform sexually. it didn't last. it became a chore, and did nothing but complicate the relationship. we divorced after 2 years, and it crushed her. i still think about it and it kills me. the funny thing is that she is now the only friend i have. i've come to grips with the ace thing. the worst i feel is frustration with how sex seems to be so overwhelmingly prevalent in every facet of our lives. tv adds implying things like "women will sleep with you if you buy our cologne" or "buy this truck and you'll be rugged. women like rugged". it's all bullshit and it drives me crazy. anyone like game of thrones? i used to, but became so irritated at the completely pointless focus on graphic(and frequent) sex scenes that i had to stop watching. so what's worse? life is meaningless. the very fact that life ends makes it pointless to continue. we're born, we reproduce, we die. our kids reproduce, then die. we exist to continue our own existence. it's a perverse joke. what's still worse? i'm a devoted christian who prays for God to end my life. i have no joy, no hope, no direction. i have no desire to make money or have 'nice things'. i don't want kids, and i'll never have a romantic relationship ever again. what am i supposed to do with that? how do i live when i hate just about everything? the ace thing is typical. i seem to be wired towards ways of thinking that compound my sorrow and frustration. i still find women attractive. i like all different shapes, sizes and colors. i like women that are unique, both physically and mentally. i think women are beautiful, but i have no desires to be intimate with them. i guess it's like being gay to an extent. you don't have to be straight to know if a woman is pretty. sorry i ran on, kudos if you stuck it out. i'm not really seeking advice or counsel of any kind. i've had these thoughts for over a decade and never had anyone to reveal them to. maybe this will help. Link to post Share on other sites
Autumn Season Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Hi, northdw! Welcome to Aven and congrats for writing about your feelings so openly. :) I know you don't seek any advice. Also I'm as new on this site as you are, so probably I'm not much of a help. However, here are some thoughts. First of all it's great that your former wife still stands by your side as a friend. You must mean a lot to her. I hope, that you can find friends, who love you for who you are and support you in anything you do. If it is possible for you, then it's worth spending time with your family (parents, siblings, ...). Also there is the comfort of religion. It might not be my place to say this - after all I am not religious, but I always imagined God and Jesus and mother Mary as caring and loving. I don't think they would ever discriminate against humans because of their sexuality (no matter what the Bible says). They would want us to live a happy and fulfilled life. I would just like to add, that it is not the sexuality, that makes people (un)happy. Accepting yourself, finding exciting goals in life and appreciating all of the wonderful people, who are there for you, is what I find most important. Think about your needs and take them seriously. Be happy, you deserve it. :) Hugs Autumn Link to post Share on other sites
Selasphorus Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Thanks for sharing your story. I can appreciate that things are tough for you, and it is impressive that you're still here, willing to talk about it. I wish you all the best, including cake, and hope it'll get better one way or another. Link to post Share on other sites
almi's blanket Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Hello and welcome! Just had to say I feel that anger.it makes so much sense. Why put sex at the center of everything .... Really frustrating but luckily there are a million things we can do other than what the dominant culture tells us we should do. Hope it gets better from now on! Link to post Share on other sites
Ficulnean Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Hello. I haven't had you're same experiences of being with someone, or even trying to be, but I'm pretty young yet. I still fear the day when people start questioning me more on dating. So, thank you for sharing your experiences. It's hard to remind myself that, no matter how much I want something normal, it can lead to places where people end up hurt. It's quite helpful to see you coming to AVEN with such an open attitude. Link to post Share on other sites
Valja Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Hello and welcome northdw! Thanks for sharing your story with us and being so sincere. I used to think so much as you, now too in some concerns, I too had no desire whatsoever for nice things, money and I prayed to God so much to end my life or help me take another turn, He gave me a chance, I took it and while I was leaving my city still thought that all I want is to die cause everything is pointless, well since then I started to enjoy life more and learn to laugh again, I decided I will try to make my dreams come true even maybe in the end it won't happen, but the journey still has to be enjoyable. I'm sure you do have things you like and want to do, you remained friends with your ex-wife and I think this is so cool. I'm glad you're on Aven, maybe you'll like it ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
stonehengegirl Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Hi. Welcome. I can relate. I've had similar experiences. I think finding and building meaningful relationships for ourselves regardless of society's expectations is a key to happiness but it certainly isn't the only part. I know you aren't looking for answers which is good because I don't have any. I'm still trying to figure it all out too. I think it harder to accept ourselves than it is to accept other people. Be kind to yourself. You're the only you there is in the whole world. Link to post Share on other sites
ILoveMe Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Hi, Thanks so much for sharing. I am new here as well and I find it comforting to vent frustrations to people who understand and don't judge. I too am disgusted at the fixation on sex in society, its just ridiculous on so many levels. I firmly believe that we connect on a soul level and some people feel 100% complete without the need for sexual relations, myself included. I am 37 years old, never found a need nor desire for anything sexual, and finding a man that accepts that and can roll with that seems virtually impossible. Ive been told I am abnormal, need more experience, prude, or holier than thou. Disgusting, it really is, so I feel ya! All I can say is be happy with you and connect with those that love and embrace who you are. Happiness will follow! Link to post Share on other sites
SkyWorld Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Hullo and welcome to AVEN! Nice to meet you and thanks for telling us your story. I can relate to a few things of what you said and others feel the same way as well. This is actually a great place to create new friends and I hope you enjoy it here! ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Hi and welcome. I also want to thank you for sharing your story and say that I hope life begins to look more hopeful to you in the future. I don't have any children, so a reason for my existence has had to be found outside of that as well. I also hope you enjoy being a member here. Link to post Share on other sites
northdw Posted March 29, 2015 Author Share Posted March 29, 2015 thanks for the support, it's good to know that there are others who understand. i'm still trying to figure myself out, one of the questions being whether or not i still want romantic companionship. i thought i didn't, but i had a dream recently that really threw me. i was back in high school(which is where most of nightmares take place) and i ran into a girl in the halls. we had a moment of silent connection, and it was love at first sight. the dream jumped ahead to us frolicking(yes, frolicking) through the halls, my hand on her back. we were laughing and happy and crazy in love. when i woke up i was devastated that it was only a dream. later, i wondered if it was my subconscious lamenting the fact that i'd never experienced anything like that in real life, or if it's telling me to seek it out. so yeah, still confused. again, though, thanks fir the support. i'm not used to it. Link to post Share on other sites
KevCo Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Hi, that's an interesting story. I'm a 34 year old white male Christian quasi-idealist so it resonates with me. I grew up in a clannish area (or cultish depending on your perspective, most people were Mormon and preparing to survive the apocalypse together) which made me feel alienated but it also inspired me that maybe I might someday find an equal sense of purpose and cameraderie. I dropped out of college and did international humanitarian work with a Christian group that turned out to be insane and not really how they presented themselves. I already considered myself asexual and then got blackballed out of my "life's calling"... I don't want to have kids or a relationship. I thrive on the sense that I could fix or alleviate things that nobody else will. Maybe I'll adopt kids someday or just be taken advantage of by other losers who I feel I'm "helping." I do enjoy my life but wish I didn't look for so much satisfaction in pissing people off. Link to post Share on other sites
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