TardisGirl Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Hi all, I'm new here and new to this idea of asexuality. But as soon as I heard that this was a real orientation, it just was such a relief and explained so much about myself. I still have my moments of doubt...am I just leaning on this because of my issues with social anxiety and dating? But every time I think about my issues with dating, and never having had romantic feelings or any desire to have sex, I am more convinced than ever that this is who I am. Whenever I was attracted to someone, it was always because of their intellect or humor (usually both). I even wondered at times if I might be gay since I didn't seem to have strong attractions to men, or get "turned on" by kissing, etc. I haven't been able to talk to anyone in my family about this (which would basically be either my mom or my sister) and not even sure how to broach the subject, but it just makes me feel more accepting of myself, whether it does allow me to consider seeking a relationship in the future or not. See, I gave up on dating some years ago. I'm 47 now, and have dated very little my whole life, and the few times I did have a serious relationship, it never lead to anything I would describe as true intimacy... for a variety of reasons (not the least of which being that it was always intensely painful for me, which eventually I had surgery to attempt to address), but ultimately I felt that my appearance was already a challenge enough for me in dating (I've always been a bit of a tomboy and just am not particularly attractive a woman) but to find someone that would overlook my lack of experience at my age, if I ever was even able to have pleasurable sex at all, just seemed too difficult a leap to make. The fact that I also never had kids (nor wanted to) certainly doesn't help either and seems to be something a lot of men my age with kids of their own tend to hold against me, even though I would not have an issue having someone else's kids in my life (particularly older ones!) Ironically I seem to have more social interaction these days than ever though, being very active in my local Doctor Who fan group (hence my username!) as well as board game groups, cosplaying, playing handbells at church, and more. I love my job (I work as a web developer, and am in charge of a multi-million dollar ecommerce website), have two dogs and a cat that bring great joy to my life and that I love spending time training, and I am lucky to have some great family that lives nearby. There have been times when the thought of spending my life alone leaves me crushed with sadness, but for the most part, I live a happy, enjoyable life. But every now and again something brings me back to earth about how different I am than my friends. Like a old high school friend I ran across on FB not long ago. Not sure how we even got onto sex as a topic but he was practically APPALLED that I hadn't dated anyone in years and thus must be suffering greatly from this lack of sex. I joked back and forth with him about it, but I wished I could have just said, why do I have to want and desire sex? Because I don't and I'm happier not having to worry about it. Well, that's me in a nutshell. I'm not really sure where I go from here, but I do want to at least talk to my mom about it, if I can ever find the right time. I will be curious what her reaction will be. MJ Link to post Share on other sites
SkyWorld Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Hullo and welcome to AVEN! It's very nice to meet you. I'm so glad that you have found this site! I hope things go well with your mom. I also hope you enjoy it here! ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
Ace of Cakes Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Welcome to AVEN! :) LOVE the icon/username btw ;) Link to post Share on other sites
ILoveMe Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Hi! Loved your post and can relate to it so very well! I am new here myself and looking forward to lots of new friendships 😃 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Hi and welcome to AVEN!!! I think if you tell your mom about it, you could also have the Front Page About Asexuality FAQs handy on a tablet or something to show her. Sometimes reading something makes it easier to understand and validates the new information. I hope you love being a member here! :) Link to post Share on other sites
TardisGirl Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 Thanks! I am sure I will get a lot out of the site. Link to post Share on other sites
kelico Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Welcome to AVEN! Thanks for your great intro. : ) You'll find lots of people here that can relate to your story (and also enjoy similar things as you do!)! That's so cool that you're a web developer. : ) I'm a graphic designer...I wish I knew more about web design/developing though! And aww, doggies. You'll find some cute animal/pet-related threads...also a photo thread so maybe you can share pics with us! <3 I wish you all the best!! And I hope you enjoy being a member. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Some ppl get sexually aroused while kissing, some don't. It's fine. Since you didn't mention it-- you may be aromantic too. But aromantics can still be staisfied with friends, close friends, a best friend, or a queerplatonic partner. They can even live with you. Link to post Share on other sites
TardisGirl Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 cakeloid - thanks for the welcome! I wish I could do more than simple graphic design, particularly when I am doing some freelance work for family or friends. People often don't realize how many different skills go into today's modern web sites, or how challenging it can sometimes be to have both programming and design that works across multiple browsers. And now so many people use their smart phones or tablets which throw even more of a loop into the system. On the flip side, it's great that we have so many modern frameworks like bootstrap (on the design side) or things like Angular JS (on the programming end) to make our jobs easier. I'll definitely have to look for the photo thread....photography is another interest of mine although I have been busy with other things these days. Like my fabric origami boxes, you can check out my photo gallery of those at http://www.theartfulbox.com. Star - I definitely enjoy physical contact, but mostly just cuddling and caressing, and light kissing (the whole french kissing thing I never understood and just seems gross to me). I know I ran across a list of all the different terms people on here use to describe themselves, but now I can't find it. I do know I am hetero oriented at least, I never have had any romantic inclinations towards women and really always feel more comfortable around guys in general, although am definitely very shy around attractive men especially, and have issues with social anxiety and interacting socially with people in general. I really enjoy my meetup groups for that reason since we are getting together to play games, bowl, or talk about Dr Who, etc. so I don't have to deal with worrying about whether people find me interesting enough to look past my physical failings. MJ Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I made a list of romantic/sexual orientations (the definitions are in the first sentence but clarifications of possible misconceptions are past that)-- also one on the different types of attractions, do you want either? Message or post it here? Link to post Share on other sites
TardisGirl Posted March 29, 2015 Author Share Posted March 29, 2015 That'd be great Star! It'd be nice if such lists were available in the FAQs. MJ Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 AVEN has a wikpedia lexicon page but it doesnt have everything or explain things to the fullest/not as straight to the point as I'd like. There are also other sexual/romantic orientation lists online but the ones I've found list "all" of them/some pointless ones like being attracted to aliens, etc. So you'd have to search through it every time. Also, you didn't answer where you wanted me to post the list; a private message or on this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
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