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Dating site ignorance&Weird logic...


Avyn

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Spending ages writing into your bio that you are Ace, what being Ace means.

Patiently answering questions that people have, in this case a guy who has decided he wishes me to be the mother of his children [after messaging for one day...] about what asexuality means in that context and if I would have children.

Only to be told "Yes but why would you not have sex just to have kids, they'd be your blood that way."

This is all after I've explained the idea repulses me and terrifies me.

That I would want to adopt -anyway- because there are enough people in the world already without me adding more.

All this after being told that apparently "being pan romantic would give a future husband a lot to worry about?????"

Cue me sitting there wanting to roll my face off of the keyboard.

This has all just come on top of, in the last few months a couple of friends just... not understanding. And my long term partner of 3 years... apparently using the fact I am asexual as an excuse not to spend time with me. I don't like a lot of affection and closeness a lot of the time. It makes me uncomfortable. Even too much coupley/suggestive talk can do so. But... he has apparently decided that this also means I do not need to speak with him often at all.

I don't... even understand his logic myself. I'm just upset and irritated and having one of those days where I wish I could be more 'normal'.

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Sage Raven Domino

Yeah, a lot of patience is needed when working through those of the dating sites that don't specialise in (grey-)asexuals. The free ones are especially rich in people who don't care to read and understand thoroughly, often just want to hook up. The dating sites thread is full of similar stories :(

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ioncehadasoul

I really don't get why people bother with all of that. I guess take it as a compliment. They're so attracted to you they're attempting to change your sexuality! Which is stupid on so many levels, but wow, gotta admire that level of dedication.

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Member54880

Sorry that you've dealt with such ignorance. :( You don't have to justify not wanting sex, nor not wanting biological children, certainly not to someone who tried to push it on you after one day. His statement of "being pan romantic would give a future husband a lot to worry about" also made me cringe.

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"being pan romantic would give a future husband a lot to worry about" also made me cringe.

I couldn't believe it honestly! I just sat and stared at the screen wondering if I was seeing things.

Then kinda thought to myself... If you've worked out what pan romantic means... why on earth are you so sure I'm going to end up with a husband...?

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I really don't understand the bi/pan issue. I've looked at so many people's answers to the question "Could you date someone who has had sex with the same sex?" and aside from the homophobes, there are answers like "Depends how serious it was" and explanations that go off saying "I think you should only be attracted to your partner or one gender" and just so many other things. Why is that stigma a thing? Blows my damn mind.

I try not too go too far into anything myself. It's on my profile, if I get a question I give the standard definition and then usually just say "I like what I like and don't what I don't...if something happens, cool, but I'm doubtful." I've had both understanding reactions and shitty ones. That's why I don't even bother anymore.

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Sage Raven Domino

The misconception about panromanticism is quite simple. I think that laymen typically assume that a pan(/bi)romantic person will necessarily want to do romance with both 'standard' genders regularly, i.e. a panromantic wife will need to cheat on her husband with women 'to make the picture whole'. This perception arises partially because mass media tend to show bisexual people take part in mixed-gender threesomes.

Besides, there's the abovementioned social stigma: a husband of an openly non-heteroromantic woman might have reputational problems in a heteronormative environment, especially because, as said above, panromantics are perceived as behaving looser (with the opposite gender too) on average than heteroromantics because of the media portrayal.

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Haave you and your partner talked before about the fact that wanting to spend some time differently than he does does not mean that you do not want to spend time with him?

Alternatively, is this person even still your partner, with the fact that you are on a dating site . . .

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Sage Raven Domino

For the record, I'd totally allow a hypothetical partner to hang out on dating sites, I'm all for liberalism ^_^

Avyn, I'm sorry to hear that your partner has a poor understanding of personal space. It's weird that he doesn't want to talk to you often, i.e. is treating you even worse than he would a close friend... do you think he is/was interested in your personality?

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The misconception about panromanticism is quite simple. I think that laymen typically assume that a pan(/bi)romantic person will necessarily want to do romance with both 'standard' genders regularly, i.e. a panromantic wife will need to cheat on her husband with women 'to make the picture whole'. This perception arises partially because mass media tend to show bisexual people take part in mixed-gender threesomes.

Besides, there's the abovementioned social stigma: a husband of an openly non-heteroromantic woman might have reputational problems in a heteronormative environment, especially because, as said above, panromantics are perceived as behaving looser (with the opposite gender too) on average than heteroromantics because of the media portrayal.

The media potrayal is insideous. I come from a pretty liberal background, and KNEW that wasn't right, but it was still in the back of my head when I met a coworker who would be a good friend for many many years. Funny enough, they actually were a bit like the stereotype, but knwoing them as a person finally got the programming out of my subconscious.

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