Feeling bad after feeling good (tmi-sorry)

[Morgen/Tara]

Ok, so I am a 17 year old asexual, in a very stable loving relationship of over 8 months. I have a bit of a fear of sexual activity, but I have been trying to get over it, and it was going quite well.

Yesterday however, he told me he wanted to get me wet, and that made me feel kind of excited. I know I don't feel sexual attraction, and I don't have a sex drive, but we've never focused on my sexual pleasure, and I know I can still feel sexual pleasure, even though I don't need it partnered or un-partnered, it just feels good. I let him rub me over clothing, but it was clear after a while, even though it felt good, that I was not going to get wet. so seeing as it was going well and it was feeling good, and I was kind of excited and wanted to get wet for him (He says it's a fetish of his to get a girl wet, tbh I assumed most sexuals would be like that), I let him go underneath. I didn't intend for his finger to go up any wear, but tbh, he was rubbing me elsewhere at the time and I didn't even feel him go in, but it was fine at the time, it just felt weird, but kind of good, so I didn't stop him. It would be true to say that I enjoyed it, a lot, and after he commented he was surprised I let him touch me down there, and I said "me too, but it felt really good, and love and trust you so no problem". After he went home I was high for an hour or so, and then I came crashing down into tears, I can't believe I let a guy finger me, and I can't believe I enjoyed it, and now I feel bad about both doing it and enjoying it.

Part of the reason I think is because I am the "innocent one" in my group, but now I can't be anymore, so I feel like such a fraud and sad because I like the way my friends dote down on me (I'm not quite the youngest, but being "innocent" and quite child-like, I'm essentially the baby of the group).

I also go to church, although I've never been a very strict Christian, and my parents aren't either, and my church has never taught me abstinence either- it's pretty quiet on the matter. But now that I've done this, I have a sudden fear that maybe I've committed a sin and I'm scared because I don't want to be sinful, and it sounds silly, but I'm scared I might go to hell now, or if I let him do it again (which I kind of want too, because at the time we both enjoyed it). But the thing is I feel like it's supposed to be wrong, because Christianity in general, says that it is (outside marriage). And even though I can't work out why it's wrong (nobody's getting hurt, and god made it feel nice regardless of marriage or not) I still feel so bad and guilty for doing it now, and for enjoying it.

And I think a final component is me being asexual, because I know this is completely wrong sorry, but I thought (and this was just for me personally, I know it's not part of being asexual but I just assumed it would be for me) I'm not meant to enjoy stuff, but I think that more comes from Christian views, and sort of adds to it like, god made it easier for me not to do it and I did it anyway.

I just really want some opinions on this, and I don't mind if you have a Christian or non-Christian view (I'm so fluid with religion I let it guilt me at these sorts of things, but often I question the existence of a god).

I basically want to know:

Have I been sinful, is it wrong to do this, and to like it, considering all the above (my age, length of relationship, my place in my friendship group, religion(ish)?

Why do I feel so guilty, and how can I feel better about it all, and maybe even good enough to do it again and not feel guilty the next time?

And what exactly is wrong with doing things outside marriage if it doesn't hurt anyone?

Also I kind of feel like a sl*t, because the only people I know who've been fingered kind of are, not that I think there's anything wrong with it, but I don't want to be one. Am I?

I know maybe some people might find these silly questions, but I just really feel guilty and bad about this, and I am scared and confused. I want to feel good again, and I would like to be able to do it again, so I guess I'm kind of looking for answers and convincing reassurance.

[bettyjane007]

I know exactly how you feel. I've been in the same "guilt/slut" situation as you. I can't convince you of anything or really reassure you though. But here are my thoughts on it. Hopefully it helps.

First off sexual desire, sexual pleasure, SEX IN GENERAL: it's natural. It's a natural bodily process. I feel like sex is an ok thing to have as long as the people involved are aware of the consequences. Many asexuals can enjoy sex, so your enjoyment is nothing to be ashamed of. With the duration of your relationship and your age... I'm the same age as you, and slightly anxious for you rather than disapproving, because my relationships haven't been great and I don't want anything bad to happen. However if you really trust this person (note that you shouldn't have any doubts about your partner) and you really want to experience this again, go ahead.

About being the innocent one: You are not always going to be innocent forever, and your friends know that (or should know that). Are you scared of what their reactions may be to your activities with your partner? You don't have to feel like a fraud, either. Everyone changes, and you are your own person, not to be defined by your friends' perceptions and treatment of you.

Also on sinning: I don't really buy into that so much. Yeah, bad actions come with consequences, obviously, but if your God made it enjoyable and available, I don't see why you have to feel guilty or afraid.

On being a slut: Society has qualms about women having sex. Slut and whore are derogatory terms that have no place here. You are definitely not a slut from what I can gather, and shouldn't feel like one. You're committing a logical fallacy when you assume you're a slut because everyone you know is. Also if nothing is wrong with being a slut (if I'm reading correctly) then why are you afraid to be one?

Stuff outside of marriage: It's not really bad. Religion makes it seem so, however. Again, I'm not religious, so not much advice from that area.

Have you talked to your partner about your feelings? It might be more reassuring from him to hear what he has to say. If this is a stable and loving relationship, then you should be definitely communicating your concerns to him.

Hopefully this gives some insight. Best of luck Marina.

[Hobbes!]

First things first - I'm hearing a lot here about what your church says, and Christianity, but none of your beliefs. Seriously. I don't care what you've been raised to believe, I don't care what other people believe, however much you may respect them. What do you think?

To hell with the word "slut" before we go any further.

Ok, now to the main point. Let's just think about this for a sec. Someone you love and trust touched you intimately, without forcing the issue, and for whatever reason you enjoyed it. I can't see what can be wrong about that. Sure, you feel confused, and I'm not at all saying that you're an idiot for feeling that way. If you try to just let it lie and pretend you don't feel conflicted, it may well come back to bite you - I'd certainly think about at least telling your partner how you feel.

I get the feeling that it's things other than your own desires that are holding you back. You said at the end that you'd like to do it again. So far as I can see the only people who need to be involved in that choice is you and your boyfriend. Why should anyone else, including God frankly, get a vote?