aehr Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Hi I'm in 8th grade and have a girlfriend of 3 months that says she is ace, but could be demi. We love each other a lot and both think we will last through next year, and maybe even through high school. I don't care if she is ace because I love her, but I would like any help possible figuring out if she is demi. Some things that I thought might be evidence or something of the sort of her being demi (I have no idea what is common within the asexual spectrum or if you can even tell by a person's actions so bare with me) She let me grab her breasts about a week ago ( Not like with her shirt in the way, but under her shirt so I was actually touching the breast.) She laughs at sexual jokes, and finds them funny ( I have heard that aces don't like sexual jokes, again no idea) She likes my butt? I did not even know girls liked guy's butts until she told me, no idea if this could be evience She says she doesn't know what a sexual feeling even feels like so I have no idea how to explain it to her since well, I'm a guy and it sounds pretty different. Please help me I love her so much and I honestly think that I love her so much and that we could last to college. Again I have no problem going without sex if she is ace but I don't want false hope or anything if there is definite evidence saying she is ace, not demi. Thank you for your help, if you have question or anything I'll be glad to answer if it helps with finding this out. Edit: I am a completely straight and (Normal? I didn't know if normal is the right word, I don't want to offend anyone at all especially if you're taking the time to help me) sexual boy, if that matters. Also I don't know if I already said this but she said that she hasn't felt sexual attraction, and I'm not talking about desire I'm talking about attraction, she has never felt like she has wanted to have sex. But since we are in 8th grade is it possible that her hormones are late? ( We are both 14). I'm sorry I just am trying to grasp onto any small threads that point toward her being demi, because I'd like it much better if we did have sex if we made it to college :(((, but I would be fine with masterbation because she is an amazing person. Also I am VERY sorry if I disgusted or affended anyone that was not my intentions if it did. I just wanted to help out my amazing girlfriend figure this out. Again thank you for your help and I'll answer any questions. Link to post Share on other sites
Misaki Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Okay, here goes, then. Asexuality is a spectrum, therefore, there are different kinds or categories: demisexuals (only feel sexual attraction after a strong bond is created); graysexuals (may feel sexual attraction sometimes or very rarely), and asexuals (don't experience sexual attraction at all). Remember that sexual attraction (emotional response people feel when they find someone sexually atractive or appealing) does not mean sex drive (the desire to have sex "libido"). They can be connected or not. Also, some aces would cuddle but not have sex, but again, it really depends on the person, and some would do it for affection or to make their partner happy, etc. Anyway, you're both still 14 so you're discovering yourselves and identities, so I wouldn't jump into any conclusion yet. Arousal and desire are pretty common at that age. Maybe to wait and not push things would be the best thing to do. Let her discover herself and support her ^_^. I think is too soon to have intercourse, and you have to develop your minds and bodies. Adolescence is a beautiful time, but also difficult. I would recommend not to rush things and be sure about what you're going to do. Sexuality is not only sexual orientation, but also, the way we interact with each other in society. That being said, is very important for you both to be clear about it, and there's no pressure. Hope this helps. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Why does everyone say Gray-A is feeling sexual attraction rarely; it's an umbrella term, it's more than that. (It's anything between asexual and sexual/exhibiting traits of both in different ways or at different times.)There is no way to tell if someone is demi prior. It just happens. Typically with the same bond required to trigger it. Though some demis dont feel it until a marriage ready level. Being demi-consent (its not a real term atm but you get the point) is not the same thing; this only means she's ok with having sex after a certain bond, not that she finds you sexually attractive or desires sex herself. Some asexuals are ok with sexually compromising while having no sexual attraction, and others feel uncomfortable, or even repulsed, by receiving something they do not return (i think that's rather relatable to anyone).Asexual means not desiring sex and nothing more. So the groping is fine. Asexuals can be verbally dirty. Aesthetic attraction is normal. It's a fixation on someone because of their looks and or mannerisms and is not linked to platonic attraction (strong desire to befriend someone) or romantic attraction, although different attractions can be felt together-- in other words feeling so but not feeling the need to do anything about it/form any type of relationship. It's different from recognizing what other people consider good looking; it's their own opinion and it's a fixation; like looking at a beautiful landscape but that being a person. So her liking your butt is normal. The bullet points hold no weight on someones asexuality.It's plausible that your GF is just a late bloomer, but alot of asexuals assumed that; myself included, and it never changed. From what I've heard, alot of us knew we were different in that regard from junior high. Link to post Share on other sites
flesh-pocket Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 all asexuals have varying levels of what theyer ok with in terms of sexuality. for instance i think sex jokes are funny but i have another asexual friend that cant stomach them. there are many people much older than you two on this site who are still figuring stuff out, just enjoy being with her as she is right now. when you get to highschool/college and your still together, you can worry about it then. until then, dont look into these things too intensely. itll just confuse things even more UoU ~ good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Misaki Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Why does everyone say Gray-A is feeling sexual attraction rarely; it's an umbrella term, it's more than that. (It's anything between asexual and sexual/exhibiting traits of both in different Okay, thank you for clarifying. But I believe this thread is to help the person asking and not to discuss. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 girlfriend of 3 months ( We are both 14) To be quite frank, you're both still young (both in age and into the relationship), you're both still figuring yourselves out, and you're probably both too young to be considering sexual activity anyway. Regarding an above point, 14 is honestly not even potential "late bloomer" level yet. I'm probably an exception rather than the rule, but I didn't even *learn* about sex until I was 14. I would just take some time to just get to know each other more and hopefully just enjoy each other's presence a little more, without trying to coerce or pressure a response out of her regarding her sexuality. Don't be so eager to grow up, in other words. Why does everyone say Gray-A is feeling sexual attraction rarely; it's an umbrella term, it's more than that. (It's anything between asexual and sexual/exhibiting traits of both in different It's supposed to signify erring closer toward the asexual side of the spectrum. It's kinda stupid to put an A in there otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
novis Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I had no desire to have sex with some one (anyone, at all) until I met my first serious boyfriend and was with him for a few months - so I was nearly 18. You'll have no give her time to figure it out. Maybe point her to here, so she can read other experiences herself? But like Philip said - you're both still young and its early in the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 and you're probably both too young to be considering sexual activity anyway. Eh, that's just society's sex shaming. From experience(both my own and that of friends), 14-17 is actually when desire and *need* for sex is highest in most males, and it's definitely strong in many females, too, around that age. Asking someone to be celibate around that age is asking a lot more than for someone of say, my age (mid twenties, and according to society I'm supposed to be having a lot of sex now to make babies lol). Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Eh, that's just society's sex shaming. It's really got nothing to do with society (although my opinion of society is quite low, that's neither here nor there; and society actually promotes sex more than it shames it, in my opinion), and more to do with the fact that teenagers are generally still maturing, and ergo not really mature enough overall (IMO) to be handling this sort of thing yet. The OP did not give me any particular indication that he was an exception to the rule. Link to post Share on other sites
ThePoet Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 "She LET me grab her breasts" .... hmm. So she wasn't initiating, and you were in your own words 'grabbing.' I'd say that the relationship at this stage is still fairly one-sided as regards sexuality then. Whether this is because of both your ages, her being 'asexual' or simply because she doesn't yet feel comfortable in the relationship enough. I'd take a good long look at your motives and whether you have her best interests at heart, or your own. Consent is a crucial element in all new relationships; genuine consent that is, not you just believing what you want to believe. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Also: 14-17 is actually when desire and *need* for sex is highest in most males I really don't think male teenagers, of all people, need any more encouragement that their raging hormones are a compulsion that "needs" to be acted upon (which is simply not true to begin with, for people of any age) Link to post Share on other sites
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