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Telling parents...


FiSci

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Hi all,

I know this has probably been asked a gazillion times, but I need some advice on coming out to my patents.

I've decided that on the day of my last GCSE exam, I'll tell them via a letter. I've already written it, but I'm not sure if I've written the right things, left anything out, or even if a letter is a good idea at all! So, what I'm asking is, are there any do's and don'ts I need to know of? I'm scared of sounding too apologetic, or going the other way and sounding aggressive. I'm not sure what their standing on trans people is; they've said a few questionable things in the past, but I think mainly out of a lack of understanding. So, yeah, is there anything I have to definitely say, and anything I need to avoid?

Thank you!

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I think a letter is a great idea! I've never come out by a letter myself, but I have heard from others that it can be helpful to your parents if you include some resources.

Parents left to google things on their own can come up with the weirdest things. Seriously, they have a talent for that. I came out to my mom in person about being ace and she STILL managed to think it was a gender for years afterwards. Save yourself the grief (and maybe a few laughs if the situation is light enough) and just give them a good website with a definition and FAQ if you can :P Are you coming out about gender?

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Thank you, I hadn't thought about giving them links! Yeah, I'm telling them about being trans so I want to make sure they understand everything and don't jump to conclusions.

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I personally wouldn't come out to someone via letter (and I have already come out to my parents, face to face, individually and at different occasions) but that's probably because I feel like it's better to just get their reactions right away and be able to talk back to them immediately and have a conversation about it instead of a one way thing.

But if you think a letter would be better for you and your parents then go ahead and send it ^_^ I agree with giving them resources, I told my mom about AVEN and I don't know if she even checked it out but I think just knowing that it's a real thing that other people really feel made her understand a little more. Other than that I suggest just honestly telling them how you feel and that you've really thought about it to let them know you're serious. Maybe even explain your situation and then ask them how they'd feel if they were in that position, so they put themselves in your shoes. I don't know what else, it all depends on your parents and their reactions, but good luck!

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butterflydreams

I also like the letter idea. It's something I'd be more inclined towards because I'm far more articulate in writing. Not sure if you've ever talked about stuff like this out loud before, but it can be difficult. Sometimes when I'm trying to talk to someone about something really personal/difficult/scary I start to stutter and literally can't speak. A letter completely bypasses that.

I came out to my mom in person about being ace and she STILL managed to think it was a gender for years afterwards. Save yourself the grief (and maybe a few laughs if the situation is light enough) and just give them a good website with a definition and FAQ if you can :P Are you coming out about gender?

Heh, I somehow managed to out myself as asexual to my mom over the phone, but I emailed her a link to AVEN the next day. I'm 80% sure she still thinks it's something I'll be "cured" of once I "find some nice girl." It's a process. We're getting there.

I also like the idea of finding some FAQ or article or whatever that you really like and including that. If their standing on trans people is iffy or unknown, the biggest thing I'd suggest to remember is that you've thought about this a lot. They haven't. Initial surprise or confusion might come across as unacceptance or negativity. There's probably not much you can do about that except to accept it might happen but that it probably won't last.

Best of luck to you!

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I have a gay friend who came out by emailing his parents. He ended up worrying about their reaction the whole day. They hadn't replied before he went to work and he couldn't focus on his work at all. He goes home, still no reply, doesn't sleep well. Next day his parents email him something along the lines of "Yeah, we already figured as much. Don't worry, we love you." He replies, "WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT YESTERDAY?!?"

So my advice, make sure you are prepared for a delayed reaction. It can really eat at you.

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Hi FiSci,

I'm not sure if I'm qualified to give advice as I only came out to my parents a few days ago and one of my siblings yesterday, but anywho...

I third Heart's suggestion of resources. Resources are going to help, if your parents aren't too familiar with the LGBTQIA+ community and the problems they face, all the better to give them resources. You're not at fault for any of the feelings you're going through and it's okay to be apologetic, but you're also entitled to feeling safe and comfortable within your home. If things go south, do you have a backup place you can stay if only for a night or two? I don't know your parents or their views on transgender people, but having a backup place might give you some peace of mind. I fretted so much over not having anywhere to go, but luckily for me I was worrying over something that didn't occur.

When I began writing a letter to my mother (I didn't actually use either of the two that I wrote), I included my thoughts, my feelings, even my past experiences and times where I've been hurt by comments made by other people. I wanted to express how much it wasn't a phase and that I wasn't trying to hurt her, only that I was letting her know so that I could feel more comfortable in my own skin. I outlined some of the steps I wanted to take to transition (socially, medically), but didn't give an in depth explanation. I included pronouns, possible new name (was undecided, still am) and said that if she messed up a few times, I'd be okay with it. If you wish to transition, it's up to you if you put any of that in the first letter. Might be better for a face to face or second letter that way you can gauge your parent's reactions and therefore better word your intentions, again, totally up to you.

If you end up coming out face to face, try to stay calm, explain things like how you've been feeling and how long you've been feeling like that. I actually told my mother everything in a somewhat emotional (I cried :redface:) but level headed state (no yelling, just talking), and then took off to my room (PC is in room) after an hour of discussion to give her and her partner some links to resources. After giving them the links, I spoke to them further to give answers to questions. For me, both my mother and her partner were completely accepting which I am super grateful for. Yesterday I told my sister, she was pretty chill with it and I let her know if she wants resources to just ask me, but otherwise figured to leave it for now as her reaction was way more relaxed than I expected.

Best wishes for coming out!

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Thank you for all the advice! I'm creating a resource list right now; thank you for the idea :)

Fingers crossed it will go okay,

Once again, thank you!

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TheStarrySkai

A letter works just fine. My friend came out as trans over facebook then people who weren't on facebook, aka me, found out at school.

From my experience with my parents be prepared for lots of questions, so make sure that you have answers. Make sure you explain to them exactly what it is so they don't misinterpret what your trying to say, which can cause confusion and problems later on. Information is very important.

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