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Am I a Psychopath or Asexual or other?


DesmondPotts

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DesmondPotts

First off I'm sorry if this has been posted before, I didn't read other people's topics because I think everyone's story may be a little different. And I am probably the only one that has asked this question.

About me. Male, 30+ Married since I was 21, have 2 daughters. I find women visually pleasing to look at but have never experienced sexual attraction, though I might think about some women I find good looking and maybe get aroused by thinking about them naked but only at a very certain idea. It's not to do with the woman, but more to do with what arouses me in general. For some reason I find the only thing that really arouses me is the thought of me ejaculating. I've never found men arousing at all, but any penis ejaculating has an affect to me. For example if I watch pornography, a gay male ejaculating I might get aroused, or a transgender female. These I find arousing but I never put or project myself onto them. The only time that happens is when it's a male ejaculating on/in a female. This is why I believe I'm not Bisexual because I can't imagine ever enjoying sex with a man. A threesome such as me, another man, and a woman sure, but a woman needs to be there. As I said it's not the idea of sex or naked body or anything that really arouses me, it is the thought or anticipation of me ejaculating. For example I'm a little aroused now as I type about this.

This is pretty deep intense stuff I have not really revealed to my wife, because I fear what she'll say.

So why do I believe I'm a Psychopath with a question about Asexuality? A few things line up when I read what an asexual person is... So why do I identify myself as a Psychopath? I don't have any mental connection to people. I'll explain this in the best way I know how, my feelings toward anyone is the same, there is no feeling or empathy. Meaning if I sit and think about losing someone like, my wife or kids my parents it is as if a person I don't care about them. In fact all my friends I've had that have moved away I never stay in contact and that doesn't bother me. My parents I never miss them, when I go on business trips I never miss my wife or kids. Which brings me to the question of Asexuality...

In person I've never felt like I want to have sex with anyone I meet, friends sure, and I make friends VERY easily and I believe I'm pretty easy to like in person. Male or Female I appear to be liked and I believe I leave a good impression. So why do I feel like I might be Asexual?

I don't have or never have had a desire to have sex. In fact all the years I've been married I've only had sex because I felt as if I needed to, never because I've wanted to. I find that sex is boring, a lot of work what amounts to very little pleasure. That said, I've also only had sex with my wife, so experience is not high on my list.

I actually find it more pleasurable to simply masturbate. Every since I was 15, I've masturbated pretty much every night even if I've had sex with my wife. It find it's the only real thing that can put me to sleep if I don't feel tired already. Yes, that is correct, I will have sex, even ejaculate, cuddle for a few because I feel I have to, then leave the room play video games or watch TV, then an hour or so later, masturbate to porn and go to bed.

It's the "not sexually attracted" part of asexuality which has me questioning my self. I'm pretty sure I'm a Psychopath but is that Psychopathy that is controlling my sexual interest or is it I'm also Asexual?

In the last 18 - 24 months I've had sex with my wife once... and oddly enough this doesn't bother me. It bothers her and I give her pleasure with toys or oral, but it's because she is a little more sexually charged. However that whole time I've continued to masturbate because as I said it puts me to sleep and cures my insomnia. That's not to say my wife doesn't try to have sex or give me oral or hand job or something but the desire is just not there.

I'm not impotent, at any time I can get a hard-on and maintain a hard-on for 30-50 minutes with little effort and I ejaculate every time, I even orgasm multiple times sometimes.

Does my story really match up with someone who is Asexual? Is this why I've never actively sought out someone for sex? Is my sexuality Asexual?

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verily-forsooth-egads

Dunno. Maybe. Certainly nothing you said made me think you couldn't be. Plenty of asexuals masturbate to porn, and often there's a dissociation there. Since you tend not to be turned on by other people, there's a good chance you could be on the asexual spectrum, although of course that's up to you. I suggest a little more reading to find what terms seem to fit you best.

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Masturbatory habits do not reflect sexuality. It sounds like you're just aroused by the suggestion of pleasure/the highest point of that pleasure; being orgasm.

Unless you have abnormal or violent social behavior/are unstable and aggressive, then you are not a psychopath. It's a synonym for sociopath. You may have one trait in common but not the majority, or at least what you've mentioned. Here's a visual. Have you been tested for Aspergers or have any of the symptoms past social awkwardness or being asocial? People with Aspergers have a harder time relating to ppl as a whole/having an emotional connection with them. Male and female symptoms of Aspergers are also different because the females can develop a fake normal facade easier, so make sure the symptoms you're reading are for men. Apathy is fine and all; i significantly have it, but if its on major things like people in general then it becomes a disorder (i wouldn't count romance indifference or sex indifference). It would be called an Attachment Disorder though. I can't find a more specific term atm.

Sexual attraction isn't about enjoying sex with men exactly (some asexuals can enjoy sex, nor do all gay men like anal but there are alternatives); it means you find the person in general sexually arousing and desire to have sex with them.

Some asexuals have problems coming or having less pleasure because of the nonexistent sexual attraction/that being a slight turn off.

Some asexuals only use masturbation to help them fall asleep, some do it for pleasure, and others do it to satisfy an 'itch' caused by fluctuating hormones, some phrase their cause as none of those but "a need to clear out the pipes."

Even if someones sexual orientation has a cause, it's still valid.
Some asexuals feel better about having to preform sexually if they have non-penetrative sex. Some use sex toys, oral, humping externally anywhere on the body, or makeshift crevices for males like done with a penile hand job or penile oral (they can also use the ass cheeks, armpit, etc.).

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Unwitnessed

You'd have to look more into all the traits of a sociopath/psychopath before classifying yourself as one. Sociopaths and psychopaths are in fact different, although they both classify as an antisocial personality disorder. Most of the differentiation has to do with the level of self-control and intelligence of the person in question, although other factors come into play as well such as whether you were born that way or whether you came to be one through events in your life (Google it if you want further elaboration). Furthermore, you can have an anti-social personality disorder and yet not be a sociopath or a psychopath (such as me).

There seems to be a huge prejudice against people with anti-social personality disorders, mostly due to the media and how they're portrayed in shows like CSI and Criminal Minds. Just because you don't feel guilt and have what is considered to be a lack in empathy doesn't instantly make you an evil person. An estimated 1-2% (depending on the study) of people are considered to have an anti-social personality disorder, so we're pretty common (although a lot of people with anti-social personality disorders don't know they have one). Furthermore, while a higher percentage of us end up in jail than people without antisocial personality disorders, the vast majority of us aren't criminals.

From the sounds of it, you might have an antisocial personality disorder, although you'd have to consult a professional to be sure. Either way, you being a psychopath (or sociopath, or neither) has probably little to nothing to do with you being asexual. Feeling sexual attraction and feeling guilt or empathy are two entirely separate topics. That being said, I'd guess that you're asexual as well. While a lot younger (only 22 and not married), I see quite a few similarities between you and I. Like you, I've only had sex because I thought I needed to (i.e. because the person I was dating wanted to). I have also masturbated before and used to do so on quite a regular basis. I am the opposite of you in why I enjoy it though. I like making the woman orgasm rather than seeing the men orgasm. No idea why, I just do.

All in all, I felt like you just spelled out an alternate version of my 8 year future self lol. If you have any other questions about asexuality or anti-social personality disorders feel free to ask me, although I might take a while to respond since I'm not terribly active lately.

As for the post above by Star Bit and the Hare Checklist, that's mostly a bunch of stereotypical nonsense. Whoever came up with the check-lst should have done their research. In answer to and in order of the checklist:

1) I don't have 'glib' because I don't care what others think.

2) While I often get told that I'm smart, I think all humans are equally stupid and generally a self-destructive species.

3) I'm too lazy to have a need for constant stimulation

4) While I do lie from time to time, I mostly stick to the truth. Why lie when the truth so is much more effective of a weapon?

5) I don't consider myself a very manipulative person. There's nothing in my life that I want enough to bother manipulating others to get.

6) Finally a reliable tip. No guilt! That being said, not feeling guilt and purposefully going out of my way to do things that others feel guilty about are two totally separate things.

7) Another true tip! Everyone gets injured, most people are assholes and everyone dies. Not sure why this upsets others, they're facts of life and worrying about them needlessly seems very pointless to me.

8) The third and final true fact... 3/18 is not a good score.

9) I'm not 'parasitic'. Aside from pre-university when I lived with my parents, I've paid my own way through everything.

10) While sociopaths tend to have poor behavioral control, psychopaths tend to be very good at this. I'm not sexually promiscuous (asexual ftw!), and I don't like getting into trouble because then I have to sit through others annoyingly complain about whatever it was that I did.

11) I'm currently in school to become a geospatial analyst and am one of the top of my class. How is that an unreasonable goal?

12) Again with the impulsive/irresponsible thing? That's a sociopath trait not a psychopath trait, get your facts right.

13) I own up to all my mistakes. You learn a lot faster that way and I don't care about what others think of me enough to place the blame on someone else.

14) I'm not old enough to have been in a long-term marriage, I'll have to get back to you on that one in a few decades.

15) Nope. As previously stated, I wasn't a juvenile delinquent.

16) Again with the crime thing.... just because I don't feel guilt doesn't mean that I feel like spending a few decades of my life in jail.

17) Ya... this doesn't sound prejudice at all...

18) I have an anti-social personality disorder, not a God-complex.

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CrunchyNutClusterFuck

Wow, I had to step back a second after that, I was so surprised because this reads a lot like how id word my own experiences. I'm 24, male and I share your opening statement there; I've always been aroused by the idea of ejaculating far more than anything else, I've questioned wether I'm gay, bisexual or even transgender because of it - and I've come to dismiss these because I didn't feel that all the other aspects of those orientations suited me, I am at most bisexual because the idea of male sex does mildly arouse me, but only for the aforementioned reason, all other preferences for me are towards women. Like you I've always found them more pleasing to look at or imagine naked etc while only being aroused when thinking of the end game. I've had sex, and with one partner I think I even liked it, but I only really participate for my partners benefit, I've always found it a bit boring, disgusting and exhausting when I can go through the motions myself. I have always preferred masturbation, also while in a commited and sexual relationship (the bit about sex, cuddling, video games, masturbation then bed might as well of been an excerpt from my own life) as it pretty much the only sure fire way to get to sleep when my insomnia plays up. In regards to you being a psychopath, I have aspergers and what you've described is pretty similar to that, emotional disconnection, lack of empathy etc - have you thought about getting checked out?

Either way I am actually really surprised to have found someone with such a strikingly familiar story to mine =] and I've ended up here because I believe myself to be asexual, although I'm here to find out so that's subject to change - and I've been told that aspergers and asexuality do have a link, that's not to say that either causes or is caused by the other nor that either governs the other - since finding out about my aspergers, I personally believe that my perception of the world, being different to that of a "neurotypical" person, has throughout my life influenced my asexuality - but that's my personal findings, everyone's will be different.

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I was wondering why there were 3 words to describe one disorder. I thought they must be different; why else would they exist, but every time i looked them up the material used them interchangeably. I personally never saw anything wrong with ppl who were significantly or predominantly indifferent, never bonded with ppl, lacked emotions (feeling them and or expressing them), etc. Though it's common in anime, so maybe its acceptable to me because of exposure-- i also have some of those traits myself^^; so I'm a bit biased. Also, that wiki symptom list is wrong? Well, not surprised, it is wikipedia; the thing that anyone can edit. I just figured it was probably accurate because those were the same things i read from my apparently bad sourced research. sorry.

Btw here's a vid on some of the symptoms of Aspergers. I'd put it in the previous comment where it's more relevant, but you may not notice it.

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Unwitnessed

Ya, the online material about people with anti-social personality disorders is mostly wrong. You have to get into detailed books or talk to a professional to find out about most of the accurate stuff. On top of that, yes, it is wikipedia lol.

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DesmondPotts

Thank you for all your replies everyone. Yes, the online material about anti-social disorders is pretty board and focuses on just the worst aspects. Like someone taking the first meaning and running with it. For example I understand why people would say Asperge's Syndrome given what I said about attachment. I will get my doctor do a real test to confirm because it does run in the family, I don't think it matches what I have.

The basic reason is it's more than just disassociation, I mentioned it here because I believe it directly relates to sexuality/attachment/desire etc. For me disassociation is just part of the sexuality discovery I'm going through. If I take sexuality out of it, my opinion toward people in general is I view them as objects that have a cause and effect on everything around me. For example natural or terrorist disasters I view these instances as a burden removed from the planet. To define it a little deeper here, when events like 9-11, sandy hook, Haiti, pretty much anything that results in a large amount of loss of life. I look at these events as food and resource relieve on the planet, Less pollution, both the good and bad.

This may be hard for people to hear, but it's a key to why I believe I'm most likely a psychopath vs someone with Aspergers. I've read a lot of books and actually spoken to a psychotherapist at a party once about the subject. She pulled me into a room and gave me her card and said "I can help with you understanding your condition more.." despite the fact I was just asking general points. Either she could see it, or she took a damn good guess.

As I've read more about Asexuality I've started to believe I may have a certain level. In fact writing this very message has secured another aspect. Mentioning I view people as objects of cause or effect around me, I view my wife in this manner. The base question I had is somewhat answered and I'll read more about it.

Is my opinion of sex being lackluster because I don't have an attachment to my wife or is it because of sexuality. This I feel has been answered to the point an online website about the subject can really answer.

I'll look back on this post from time to time, however I feel the answers people have given are satisfactory as they'll get. Thank you all for your time and efforts.

If anyone has any questions for me feel free to ask, I'll make a concerted effort to answer what my personal opinion is.

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I also have a thing for ejaculation (male and female ejaculation, cis, trans, whatever I don't care) and I find people attractive, definitely. I masturbate and have a high libido. I just don't desire or enjoy partnered sex. I agree with how AVEN defines sexual attraction (the desire for partnered sexual activity with someone else, to share our sexuality with them) .. by that definition, I'm asexual, in that I don't desire partnered sex at all, ever (though I've given it to partners in the past for various reasons) .. I've never enjoyed partnered sex with people of any gender, no matter how aesthetically attractive I think the person I am having sex with is. I can't enjoy something I really have no desire to do. ..Sounds like you are asexal too, from what you posted. If you don't desire sex with your wife, how can you really enjoy the sex? makes perfect sense to me. :cake:

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Technically it would be an unassociation; disassociation implies it existed before.

But yes, as it is also the same reason for ppl with Aspergers, unattachment can impair the development of sexual attraction. Its almost like looking at another species; you dont relate to.. lets say wolves, thus you dont desire to have sex with them. (Yes, there are ppl who are sexually attracted to humanoid animals but this is actually an instinct to avoid inbreeding; diversity, and the same reason accents and such are attractive-- both are a type of xenophilia)

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