I'm kinda confused

[bettyjane007]

TMI WARNING:

So this is my first time on the site, and my head is reeling from all the labels and categories: demisexual, greysexual, greyasexual, asexual, biromantic, aromantic....what even (.___.") It's all cool, just overwhelming.

My history: Since I was in kindergarten I've been oddly sexual. My crushes and desires back then were just as intense yet fleeting as they are now, and this happens all the time. However, I've been questioning my sexuality for a year now. I've identified for 3 years as bisexual, because I find men and women sexually attractive. However I've discovered something that I'm confused about: I masturbate (mostly to hentai or fan fiction), I have sexual fantasies, and I get turned on by men and women....yet when I'm actually with someone, things get weird. Whether I'm dry humping or stimulating them, or they're reciprocating in a similar fashion, I find the situation to be distasteful. I get bored, I get impatient, my attraction to the person all but fades at that moment, and I find the whole thing to be distasteful. Even kissing gets weird and chore-like. It's like my attraction disappears within the first few weeks, and then I'm left anxious, trying to find a way out without hurting the other person.

In short, I constantly am fantasizing and masturbating, yet when it comes to real life relationships my sexual attraction and desire for the other person just flops to the ground and dies. It's like my body wants more and more intimacy, but my mind is screaming no.

So I'm confused, and worried, because I feel like I should be sexual (that's the persona I have around my friends) but I can't get myself to, and I feel betrayed by my own self. I obviously need to do some more soul searching, but here are my questions:

What on earth does this situation signify? Could I be in the gray area? Has anyone experienced a similar situation? Any advice?

Note: I'm a virgin, if that might help with any insight.

[C-Lo]

Sounds very similar to my experiences. Though I can't say I've really been attracted in anyway to men... at least in reality.

Still a virgin also. I haven't had many romantic or sexual partners, but I can say that usually I can only go so far with any sexual activity before I start to feel like I'm not supposed to be in that moment there with them. And yet, this follows a period of excitement that I was about to be intimate with them. However, the closer it always got to actually having sex, I just had the urge NOT to. Been very confusing for so many years because I figured if I was "normal" then I would have the urge TO have sex. Perhaps elements of both asexuality and gray asexuality. Though probably more gray.

I enjoy cuddling, even making out, but yeah, once the moves start getting heavy, I get turned off. Part of me even feels like it's fake. Some kind of predetermined dance, or chore, that I just need to go through the motions in order to fulfill some kind of expectation in the relationship. Or maybe I'm over thinking it. And yet, it's happened every time I've been with a woman.

I find though, the women I did experience all of this with were people I had known for a while, and cared about, even loved. Elements of demisexuality.

Do you feel you "should be sexual" BECAUSE of the persona you present around your friends? I wonder their response if you tell them the reality. I felt the same way, especially in high school and college when most of my guy friends were obsessed with sex and "hittin'" whatever girl they could get with. Even when I did have a girlfriend, I felt I needed to present some kind of hetero-normative-sexual persona. All of this was before I realized I fall within the ace spectrum, or even what the word "asexual" even existed.

I think I'm rambling, and sorry but may not be providing much of an answer for you. I think you're gonna find there are a lot of members on this site that have almost identical experiences and feelings of confusion. So to that I say WELCOME!!

[chair jockey]

To me this sounds like a potential case of sexual attraction. Wanting to masturbate does not equate to wanting sex with other people. We can fall into sex with other people because of the socially prevalent sloppy generalization that sexuality is monotone and monollithic and all of its expressions equate to the same thing, but in practice things don't work that way at all. It's perfectly legitimate to enjoy the physical sensation of stimulation without wanting to be involved with another person.

If I'm misunderstanding and you do experience initial attraction to other people but that attraction quickly fades, that's a different phenomenon but entirely normal too. Normal _for you_, that is, with what your makeup happens to be. Don't be misled by stupid fables you read as a child into thinking that all attraction (or love) must last forever. In fact, both love and attraction ebb and flow, getting stronger and weaker over time depending on many factors. In many cases love and attraction do fade over time in a steady decline. The decline could just be unusually rapid for you.

And I'd suggest not getting hung up on labels. Labels are useful for giving one-word summaries of yourself to strangers and acquaintances who can't be bothered with the complexities of who you really are. I don't believe that anyone should ever see _themselves_ in terms of a label because that's shortchanging your understanding of the full details of your self-experience.

[bettyjane007]

I haven't had many romantic or sexual partners, but I can say that usually I can only go so far with any sexual activity before I start to feel like I'm not supposed to be in that moment there with them. And yet, this follows a period of excitement that I was about to be intimate with them. However, the closer it always got to actually having sex, I just had the urge NOT to.

I enjoy cuddling, even making out, but yeah, once the moves start getting heavy, I get turned off. Part of me even feels like it's fake. Some kind of predetermined dance, or chore, that I just need to go through the motions in order to fulfill some kind of expectation in the relationship. Or maybe I'm over thinking it. And yet, it's happened every time I've been with a woman.

C-Lo, that quote sums up what I was trying to say and I feel so freaking relieved.

I dunno how often I've felt hollow when the relationship gets to a certain point, and I end up feeling like something is wrong with me; my previous partners have suggested as much, at least. It's like I become a different person when I'm in a sexual situation. I have to be the "girl" and act a certain way. It's frustrating, since I act - and i hate to say this because it plays in gender norms - masculine around my friends (stuff like offering my coat, keeping a protective arm around my friend's shoulders...perhaps protective would be a better word).

About my "sexual" persona... I feel like society considers sex to be a prize, a status symbol. How many times you've had sex, with whom, where, how often, etc... And so I kind of took on that persona starting in high school because I wanted to fit in with what I'd been reading and seeing and hearing. It's mostly innuendos and with me being hug-touchy person, its where I gotten to stand in my friend group. I think becoming sexual or having a sexual awakening is expected for high schoolers/teens, and I was trying really hard to fit in.

I agree fully though about the fakeness and the pseudo expectations put in place during interactions. It definitely puts a damper on things, and my excuse too was that I was overthinking or being too frigid or something. For fun I looked up asexuality, and voila! I'm likely in the gray area.

Thank you for your response :)

[Star Bit]

Lithsexual, or more specifically Fraysexual (sexual attraction fading away).

Lith is basically an umbrella term for having a negative to indifferent reaction to reciprocation. But more specifically, it can be the returned emotions; either over time or immediately, causing indifference, loss of interest, or repulsion. Fraysexual is a new term though, so Lithsexual may result better in finding support/others like you. But this fits in the Gray-Asexual umbrella too, so you could go by that if you like also. Some ppl also don't desire kissing. It's fine.

Btw, sex is sex. You just mean you're a vaginal virgin.

@C-Lo Just a nit pick: "Perhaps elements of both asexuality and gray-asexuality"? Gray-Asexual is whats between being sexual and asexual/having elements of both; 'between asexual' is redundant.

[C-Lo]

@C-Lo Just a nit pick: "Perhaps elements of both asexuality and gray-asexuality"? Gray-Asexual is whats between being sexual and asexual/having elements of both; 'between asexual' is redundant.

Agreed! Thanks.

[bettyjane007]

In(k) : The fable of being in love (sex being intertwined) forever is something that I chased after eagerly, and so it puts a bit of a damper on things when it doesn't work out that way. But I agree with you assessment. I've seen it happen many times.

Star Bit: I know labels shouldn't define us but boy am I so happy to know about this particular label. Thanks so much for the information! I'm doing some research on the subject, so it's nice to have a starting point.

I guess a concern of mine is how my relationships will work from now on. I feel like people expect sex, and that kind of pressure isn't pleasant, even when I discuss my discomfort with a partner.