Are you a more submissive or dominant person (and how does it relate to your gender)?

[Tenara]

This is a really interesting question.

In my 10+ year relationship, the feeling I had was very much "the buck stops here." Although my partner took responsibility for making sure we were fed (she's a good cook and I could burn a boiled egg), I was responsible for making sure we had the money to buy the food, and everything else. We both brought in money, but I kept track of where it was going and if we were overspending. If there were difficult decisions to be made, I made them. If something needed dealing with (especially something that was stressing my partner out), I dealt with it. If something turned out badly, even if the decision had seemed joint at the time, I would take responsibility.

Prior to that, I'd had non-sexual relationships with 2 men who both left all the decision making to me. I've also been told a few times, and by a 3rd party, that particular men I work with are scared of me.

It seems as though I like to be in control, but I often hate it and wish that someone else would come along and take responsibility. If the opportunity arose, I'm not so sure I would actually want it to happen, though. On a very deep level, I like being in control, which I guess makes me dominant.

Most of my (non-sexual) fantasies revolve around (usually) voluntarily handing over control to another person.

[Yatogami]

I have a very dominant personality, but tend to take the submissive role in a relationship because I don't feel responsible or adept at being in charge of someone else. I would really hate to dominate someone, especially by accident. So I'm rather agreeable or go for a compromise. Only when it comes to important things do I step up and speak my mind/and or take control of the situation.

[Sage Raven Domino]

Being male, I'm often dominant in my fantasies, but in reality, I'm rather submissive (likely passive-aggressive).

[tigerbites82]

I'm typically a more dominant and independent person. However if I really love someone I sometimes express my love submissively by waiting on them, nurturing, looking after them ect. I think submissive love is the most intense form of love you can show to someone and sometimes it's nice to do that for someone :)

[Mr. Quickhands]

Interesting question, I've wondered from time to time if this sort of thing has a link with [a]sexuality. It sort of feels like it from time to time.

I think I have the capacity to throw people for a loop sometimes. I have a very strong male identity, I like certain romantic gestures that can be considered cliché at first glance, and if I'm in a relationship I'd like to be with a woman... but... I despise any notion of power imbalance and I hate most gender roles. It weirds me out when girls say they want to feel weak or when guys say they want someone delicate (graceful and feminine? sure. "delicate" as in breakable and dependent? why is that desirable? I don't get it...).

I'd like to go dutch on dates, I'd like to plan half of the dates and have my partner plan the other half, I'd like to give flowers to my partner and also have them give me flowers from time to time. The list goes on: I'd like to pull them around the corner for a passionate kiss, but I'd like them to do the same to me from time to time; I'm perfectly okay with the notion of being the breadwinner, the stay at home dad, or neither or both; I'm perfectly okay with taking my partner's last name if they asked; most of all I'd like someone who's independent and can handle themselves.

I guess that makes me not dominant, but I'm also definitely not submissive. If I smelled that someone was trying to establish control, I'd probably have an honest talk with them as a courtesy before high-tailing out of there (or just skip right to the part where I ride off into the sunset). I suppose I have a very child-like idea of how relationships work in the real world, but whatever. It is what it is, and so what if I get picky as a result.

I'm very outspoken in private, but I don't consider that a dominant trait, either. I wouldn't like it if a partner were a complete sponge to onslaughts of personality like that.

I do like the image/idea of being a "protector," but when I think about it that's only in a platonic setting. Whenever I step up to a "protector" sort of role, it's always completely detached from any sort of romance, it almost feels business-like. I wouldn't enjoy the feeling of getting romantic attention from protecting someone. I'm not sure what to compare it to -- I suppose it would be like getting celebrity attention for a silly viral video: you would feel initially flattered, but you'll start to feel uncomfortable and not want to be recognized for something so basic.

When I talk to other guys, these notions don't seem to align at all. People either want to be submissive or [more commonly] want to fulfill the complete male gender role stereotype of being super dominant and protective (even when protection isn't asked for). Me, on the other hand: the idea of handing over control or having my supposed equal actually be a subordinate lackey henchman freaks me out. I wonder from time to time if asexuality has something to do with this for me, since it is very very uncommon for sexual things to not involve power imbalance.

[Georgetown]

I'm typically a more dominant and independent person. However if I really love someone I sometimes express my love submissively by waiting on them, nurturing, looking after them ect. I think submissive love is the most intense form of love you can show to someone and sometimes it's nice to do that for someone :)

I'm intrigued. Waiting on someone is submissive I agree, but I might call looking after someone or nurturing them a form of dominance, perhaps maternal/paternal dominance but dominance nonetheless.

I think some people might interpret the same behaviors as dominant or submissive based upon their personal perceptions. I know someone very free-wheeling who views bread-winning and providing financial support as submission to the supported person, who is controlling you to their material benefit.

[Robin L]

I think I'd be a mediocre manager unless I had a team used to "servant leadership".

Interesting, I didn't know there was a term for that. Seems to describe how I work.

However, I don't know whether to label myself as submissive or dominant. I hate both being controlled and controlling people. For now, I'm leaning towards the former.

[AwkwardAntelope]

Ummm. Interesting question as others have said. In our relationship we're both equals. We're quite happy doing our own thing, doing something together, whatever. I am also indecisive as heck so I where possible I prefer my girlfriend (or pretty much anyone I'm socially interacting with) to make decisions about things (such as wtf are we eating for lunch?). I don't think that defines submission or dominance, though. More of a "I honestly could care less where/what we go/do as long as I'm with you it doesn't matter" type thing. And, I like caring but also like being cared for.

Because I'm seen as the taller/masculine/bigger person in any given social interaction it is more than likely widely perceived that I am more dominant than anything though.

[MaxAmoeba]

Assertive for sure.

[Autumn Season]

Interesting topic. I guess I'm more submissive? But that's definitely not because I want to be taken care of. No, I like to be independent and do my stuff the way I want to.

So I respect other people's decisions, too, and if they say "I want to go to that restaurant", I will most likely accept it. I will go along with the other party's decision for a long while, because 1st this way there are no arguments, 2nd I like to try new things, so I don't mind and 3rd in my free time I'll do whatever I want anyway. This is a bit of an issue, when spending too much time with the same person, though. I guess I become a bit passively aggressive, always saying "yes", until I can't stand it anymore, haha. I will get annoyed and start to refuse meeting up with the other party. I know, instead of seeking isolation I should just talk it out. But honestly, this is how I really act.

Although I will go along with the other party's decision, I will still have my opinion. If there is something, that appears very wrong to me, I will eventually confront the other party AND THEN they will have to face my stubborn side. xD Maybe the stubborn part of my personality is "dominant", not sure.

[Per Aspera Ad Astra]

I am definitely not submissive, but I wouldn't call myself dominant either. I guess I would say I'm rather independent, and can even be detached sometimes. However, I'm very protective of the people I love, and feel that it is my duty to keep them safe and always be there for them. But I don't think that it makes me dominant, does it?

I don't want to be in a relationship in which there's a dominant and a submissive. I want to be in a relationship in which my partner and I are equal, and can equally rely on each other.

[Arzn]

I tend to be dominant and i just like to date other dominants, it's funny, i like to argue.

[Angeliss]

I've always leaned towards submissive. My younger sister is totally dominant, though. We had an interesting relationship growing up.

As I've grown up, and gained more confidence in myself, I take the leadership role more easily. Now I tend to hang out in the middle. I'm an INFJ, and that F tends to keep me from ruling the roost.

[BaymaxCupcake]

I'm a switch, but I can't be with anyone unless they are a switch as well. I can't stay in one position or the other for too long or else I just get bored. Also I'm taking this as a BDSM question which it probably isn't but the OP was tl;dr so oh well.

[dissolved]

I don't see what this has to do with gender.

I also don't see why certain traits are divided into "dominant" or "submissive". I'm strong willed, decisive and I don't take shit from anyone, why should that make me dominant? I'm quiet, contemplative and caring, why should that make me submissive?

I can step up and take the lead when needs be (be it at work, in social situations or in relationships) but I ultimately want (and strive) to be equal to others.

I'm neither submissive or dominant. I'm just weird ol' me.

[Guest]

I don't see what this has to do with gender.

I also don't see why certain traits are divided into "dominant" or "submissive". I'm strong willed, decisive and I don't take shit from anyone, why should that make me dominant? I'm quiet, contemplative and caring, why should that make me submissive?

I can step up and take the lead when needs be (be it at work, in social situations or in relationships) but I ultimately want (and strive) to be equal to others.

I'm neither submissive or dominant. I'm just weird ol' me.

I totally agree.

As for me I am a person. Roles do not define me. :D

[RHD95]

I lean towards submissive, non-confrontational, soft-spoken and often indecisive. Being a guy, it obviously doesn't really correspond with the stereotype for my gender (nor I care, I wouldn't change who I am). I'm not comfortable when I'm forced to take the lead, adopt a dominant role or taking initiative, it's just not in my nature I guess. Doesn't mean I can't do these things, but I' mostly prefer to take a passive role and being told what to do, taking the "backseat" so to say.

Strangely enough, I would prefer a partner who is slightly more dominant than me (without going to the extreme), in order to have some balance in the relationship, specially when it comes to my indecisiveness (sometimes it drives me crazy how deliberate I can be when making decisions :lol: )

[irrelephant]

I am a bit of a chameleon in the sense that if my counterpart were to be the dominant type I would tend to a more submissive self that is complementry to them, and vice versa. I do not want to be in charge over someone yet I will not let anyone control me, thus I will seek a middle ground the two of us can respect. Be they submissive or dominant or somewhere in-between, I will not grow roots with anyone who is unwilling to make compromises as equals or allow autonomy or strive for growth as an indivitual mind. Society and cultural ideals on gender role carries little to no weight with me.

[Soraiko]

I'm super submissive. It doesn't really work with how people might stereotype me though because of my height and probably race.

I'm more submissive than people stereotype women as too. I don't find it an especially gender thing, more it's just what I like. It just doesn't really match up with many people. Being asexual and super shy doesn't really help either.

[R_1]

I never had sex, but I'd be submissive just like my fantasies.

[Fire & Rain]

I'm both. I can be dominant or submissive when I want to be. Most of the time I just don't care because I prefer working alone. I'm the leader and a follower to myself. When I work with other people, I would follow if the leader was doing their job. If I deemed their leadership to be ineffective, I would step in as a leader. I would change myself to the role I was needed.

I'm bio female [agendered] and if were dating, I wouldn't mind being the dominant one.

I wanted to point out that submissive doesn't mean weak. From what I've seen people with submissive tendencies have had hard lives and carried a lot of responsibilities on their shoulders. They are often in control of their own lives and well-balanced. They just want to be striped down of their responsibilities and be vulnerable with someone they love and trust. Sometimes in a sexual way.

[.diva plavalaguna.]

Interesting question, I've wondered from time to time if this sort of thing has a link with [a]sexuality. It sort of feels like it from time to time.

I think I have the capacity to throw people for a loop sometimes. I have a very strong male identity, I like certain romantic gestures that can be considered cliché at first glance, and if I'm in a relationship I'd like to be with a woman... but... I despise any notion of power imbalance and I hate most gender roles. It weirds me out when girls say they want to feel weak or when guys say they want someone delicate (graceful and feminine? sure. "delicate" as in breakable and dependent? why is that desirable? I don't get it...).

Lol! I've always thought of being delicate mostly from a fashion point of view - wearing very traditionally feminine clothes and having a graceful, maybe quiet demeanor. It's actually an aesthetic I desire for myself. :) I also sometimes get weirded out by girls who say stuff like they want to feel weak, they want a man to take charge of them. It's perfectly fine to want that, I think, but yeah...doesn't stop weirding me out, which may/may not be contradictory to what I'm about to say...

In my long-running fantasy with imaginary perfect boyfriend man (since I've never dated lmao), we are both very strong willed, independent and dominant. IPBM is like, I guess somewhat typical dominant sort of guy, but he's not a dick. I'm what I like to imagine is called "secretly dominant," meaning that I'm pulling strings in the background while appearing apathetic to various situations/submissive. This could be considered manipulative, I dunno. This kind of thing probably doesn't work IRL but since this is my fantasy world it does lol. It's like a...co-dominant relationship, I suppose. Maybe we butt heads but work it out in the end. It is all like this until "bedroom" things happen (which I know even less about so please forgive the ignorance). At this point I'd prefer to be completely and utterly submissive, and IPBM has to be in control. Yep. Feel free to laugh, lmao.