Are you a more submissive or dominant person (and how does it relate to your gender)?

[Georgetown]

I've always hated society's desire for men to more dominant, particularly in relationships. I'm happiest in a submissive support role and take almost no pleasure in being in control or being a protector or anything like that. In fact, being dominant or in control stresses me out in general... I think I'd be a mediocre manager unless I had a team used to "servant leadership". In a relationship, I'd happily give affection or give money or give a fun experience, but I don't want to be the dominant protector as per the male gender role, the kind of person who is always on the "outside" of a hug or the "big spoon" emotionally.

The thing I hated the most about heterosexual dating as a man (before I started only exclusively dating asexuals) was the consistent expectation that I should fulfill the male gender role and be dominant. Even going on dates with hard-working female career professionals who had salaries probably in the high-five or even six figure range, there was always an expectation that I be in charge on some level. As a feminist, this made me very disillusioned because here were the empowered career women everyone was talking about, but they still wanted a more powerful man.

For a while, I tried gay dating, not because I thought men were prettier than women, but because I was told that was that this was only realistic way to be submissive as a male. It was initially awesome and freeing to let go and submit and be held and protected and all that, but it didn't feel right after a while because I was not actually gay.

Anyway, now that I've finally started dating only those on my own true wavelength, I've very happily found situations where I can be a submissive male in peace.

So, how about you? Are you dominant or submissive and has this caused gender role angst? Or do you fulfill your gender role nice in spite of being asexual?

[Zerο]

I wouldn't say I'm generally submissive, but more so lazy. I take charge when needed, and not before, if only because I don't want to exert unnecessary effort. I'm pretty cold and dominant when I do decide to be though.

[Vega91]

I think a lot of people (me included) fulfill both roles. I know I'd hate being treated as weaker than others, and don't really like being told what to do. So I guess in that sense I'd rather be dominant. Not sure if needing personal space and wanting to go off on my own sometimes would be a dominant thing, or if that's just something that comes with being an introvert.

Then again, I'm aro and I've never dated so it's very hard to sy what I'd be like in an actual relationship. Agree with Zero though, I can be really lazy and unmotivated to do stuff.

I will point out that it's possible for a woman to be both feminist and submissive. After all, feminism is about letting women (and men, of course) do what they want with their lives.

[Georgetown]

I wouldn't say I'm generally submissive, but more so lazy. I take charge when needed, and not before, if only because I don't want to exert unnecessary effort. I'm pretty cold and dominant when I do decide to be though.

I can take control of a situation when needed or if I have the expertise, but it doesn't feel completely right. I love to serve others instead!

[Mycroft is Yourcroft]

I'm more of a dominant personality, but I wouldn't say there necessarily needs to be one of both in a relationship of two people, whatever type of relationship it is. I don't associate that part of my personality with masculinity though.

[Georgetown]

I think a lot of people (me included) fulfill both roles. I know I'd hate being treated as weaker than others, and don't really like being told what to do. So I guess in that sense I'd rather be dominant. Not sure if needing personal space and wanting to go off on my own sometimes would be a dominant thing, or if that's just something that comes with being an introvert.

Then again, I'm aro and I've never dated so it's very hard to sy what I'd be like in an actual relationship. Agree with Zero though, I can be really lazy and unmotivated to do stuff.

I will point out that it's possible for a woman to be both feminist and submissive. After all, feminism is about letting women (and men, of course) do what they want with their lives.

Yes, many women are submissive and feminist, but I think a lot of career women have their cake and eat it too. There are folks who play the feminism card in the workplace but play the traditionalism card in relationships to benefit themselves, when they should be all about choice and openness in both areas. For some people, based on what they have said, I know this is actually a conscious thing, this having cake and eating it too.

I'll also argue that submissiveness isn't necessarily weakness. One can be a submissive but very useful, someone with strength and expertise who uses those things to support others. They may take in some ways but give uniquely in a lot of other ways.

[Mighty Number Nein]

I don't date, but since I'm a big guy (slightly over 6'0") and rather strong, I think I'm obligated to help and protect people where I can. It's not that I'm trying to conform to a gender role; I suppose I just fit it well. Otherwise, I don't care about masculinity or femininity and just do whatever the hell I want.

[Palovana]

I don't like the idea of dominance and submission in relationships - I would much prefer that both (or all) parties be equal. However, I have been told before that I have a dominant personality, and if I were ever to have sex with a partner, I'd be dominant for sure, mostly because I don't have much of a problem giving but absolutely hate receiving.

[Guest]

I'm odd (yeah what else is new).

I'd describe myself as tendentially submissive, but also very very inflexible and rigid. In things that aen't terribly important, I'm fine with going with whatever the other person wants to do, most of the time... but in things that are important, I'm just not a compromising person. I hate being dominant, though... hate it with a passion. Interfering with the free choice of another person is a huge no-go, for me. So issues where something important is at stake for me within a conflict, I'm pretty quick to say "this doesn't work, so let's end it" rather than try to get the other person to do as I say.

[...] if I were ever to have sex with a partner, I'd be dominant for sure, mostly because I don't have much of a problem giving but absolutely hate receiving.

Huh, that's no conflict there for me between being a "pure giver" in terms of sex and being submissive. Lending a hand from a subordinate position of "serving the lady" is quite possible... I'm speaking from experience when I tried chat/phone sex for a while a few years ago (never tried any of it IRL).

[Philip027]

Totally submissive.

I chucked the typical "male" gender roles out the window a long time ago, though.

I'm more of a dominant personality, but I wouldn't say there necessarily needs to be one of both in a relationship of two people, whatever type of relationship it is.

I sure hope not, because my partner is mostly the same as me. I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of indecisiveness on what/where we want to eat in our futures XD

[Guest]

My (asexual, male) partner and I both take on submissive and dominant roles depending on the situation (that's usually when it comes to intimacy because that's the way we like it) but for the most part we are equal if that makes sense? we just co-make decisions, neither of us is more submissive or more dominant really and that's the way I prefer it. If my partner and I were sexual I'd still want that exactly the same as it is now.

[Guest]

I don't like the idea of dominance and submission in relationships - I would much prefer that both (or all) parties be equal. However, I have been told before that I have a dominant personality, and if I were ever to have sex with a partner, I'd be dominant for sure, mostly because I don't have much of a problem giving but absolutely hate receiving.

Just had to point out you can be the giver in the bedroom while being utterly submissive to your partner :p ..giving is most definitely not always about dominance ^_^

[nerdperson777]

Well, since I'm probably denying that I'm genderfluid, it's kind of weird for me. The way I was raised, being scared, I've always been submissive. When I get yelled at or disappoint someone for no matter what reason, I feel bad. I don't try to defend myself, all I do is say sorry in a soft tone and take all their verbal abuse. (This doesn't happen with parents anymore though.) I've envisioned myself being this nice confident guy that did nice stuff for people but I don't think I can ever make that a reality. But I do believe that if I had to be in a relationship, I'm definitely the guy for my femme partner and serenade them with my music. I'd do what they wanted, as long as it wasn't unreasonable.

But lately I've been trying to exert my laid back male personality a little more. I'm not sure if it's working but I go back to being submissive if I don't want to cause any problems.

[Skycaptain]

very submissive, anti-confrontational. Mind I don't really think I have a gender, I'm a ME, not someone who fulfils accepted norms

[SorryNotSorry]

I do not prefer to be a servant any more than I prefer to be a master.

[MoraDollie]

I could absolutely go to town on this post, but I'm going to try to keep this as short and to the point as possible. The whole "MALE DOMINATES WOMEN" is a society myth, perpetuated by the patriarchal society construct we live in. If we lived in a matriarchal society, I can guarantee you the opposite would go into affect. The only "basis" this possibly has, is that physically, males ON AVERAGE are about 20% stronger than females. Their main sex hormone (testosterone) fuels muscle growth, hence why boys tend to get a little bit more "beefed up" typically around puberty age. Obviously genetics and a lot of other factors influence it, but this is the typical thing of what happens.

Gender roles are complete bullshit, made up and perpetuated by society on both a micro and macro level.

[Squirrel Combat]

I think maybe both. I dunno. Never dated. I try to be outgoing but also try and let the girl make a few moves on her own. I'm not entirely sure if that counts as being submissive/dominant.

[Georgetown]

I could absolutely go to town on this post, but I'm going to try to keep this as short and to the point as possible. The whole "MALE DOMINATES WOMEN" is a society myth, perpetuated by the patriarchal society construct we live in. If we lived in a matriarchal society, I can guarantee you the opposite would go into affect. The only "basis" this possibly has, is that physically, males ON AVERAGE are about 20% stronger than females. Their main sex hormone (testosterone) fuels muscle growth, hence why boys tend to get a little bit more "beefed up" typically around puberty age. Obviously genetics and a lot of other factors influence it, but this is the typical thing of what happens.

Gender roles are complete bullshit, made up and perpetuated by society on both a micro and macro level.

Yes, you're right, and feminism has failed us in fixing this problem.

[SithLord]

I'm pretty submissive yet I hate that part of myself. I like being dominant even though it doesn't come naturally to me.

As it relates to my gender, I dislike how I'm expected to be submissive in certain situations as a female but can't hate it too much since I'm actually submissive. I hate all gender expectations of submission vs domination anyway.

[Eva]

In BDSM activities, I'm submissive, though a particular dom in my life is helping me find my inner switch. In sexual, romantic, and dating matters, I take a very firm role in crushing such things in my life. In work and school, I'm labeled "authoritarian" sometimes. With men just on a personal level, when I'm dominant with them, it's more like I'm filling the role of a stereotypical mother, using power to express my caring. I'm a feminist and I tend not to over-think what that means in relation to all those ways that i'm submissive, dominant, or neither.

[Palovana]

I don't like the idea of dominance and submission in relationships - I would much prefer that both (or all) parties be equal. However, I have been told before that I have a dominant personality, and if I were ever to have sex with a partner, I'd be dominant for sure, mostly because I don't have much of a problem giving but absolutely hate receiving.

Just had to point out you can be the giver in the bedroom while being utterly submissive to your partner :P ..giving is most definitely not always about dominance ^_^

Yes, but the only way I could ever imagine it happening were if I were truly dominant...

[Schrecken]

That all depends on the situation. In day to day life - business, friends, colleagues, associates, strangers, etc - I see men as my equals. I might ask a guy to help me get something from a high shelf in a store, but on the other hand, I might also ask a tall woman to do the same. In daily life I am who I am to most people - in other words, my character stays the same whether I am interacting with a man or another woman. I wouldn't say that I am either dominant or submissive, but rather strong willed and independent minded. I will do what I am going to do, and if someone doesn't like it, too bad. I don't try to boss people around and make them do things nor do I want to be bossed around (unless of course I am working for someone and getting paid - then yes, I will do as they as within the confines of the job). I am happy either working for myself, being someone else's boss, or working under someone (their gender doesn't matter). So I would say neither.

But when it comes to romantic/sexual relationships, I am 100% submissive. Being that I am hetero-romantic, that would mean submission to a man. If I was homo-romantic it would be submission to another female. I am currently in a BDSM relationship with my boyfriend, and he is my dominant and I am submissive to him. If it was a vanilla relationship, I really am not sure how things would hash out, but in that case (without the BDSM angle) I would probably prefer an egalitarian relationship. But I've never been in a vanilla relationship so I'm not sure. But in general, when I am romantically attracted to a man, I do tend to see him as a powerful figure who would have some control over things.

[chair jockey]

People seem to be talking about three different things when it comes to dominance and submission: sex, romance and general social presence. The latter can even be subdivided further into structured environments (such as work and school) and unstructured environments (sitting around shooting the breeze over coffee). I'm betting that different people have different levels of dominance and submission in each of those contexts. And I say levels because it looks like domnance and submissions aren't polar quanta but the endpoints of a continuum. Life teaches you that nobody is purely one extreme or another, even if a few people come close. Anyway, the same person can be at different points of the continuum when it comes to their sexuality, romantic identity, structured environment social conduct and unstructured environment social conduct. It really ain't as simple as being monolithically dominant or submissive in all ways in all things.

[Georgetown]

That all depends on the situation. In day to day life - business, friends, colleagues, associates, strangers, etc - I see men as my equals. I might ask a guy to help me get something from a high shelf in a store, but on the other hand, I might also ask a tall woman to do the same. In daily life I am who I am to most people - in other words, my character stays the same whether I am interacting with a man or another woman. I wouldn't say that I am either dominant or submissive, but rather strong willed and independent minded. I will do what I am going to do, and if someone doesn't like it, too bad. I don't try to boss people around and make them do things nor do I want to be bossed around (unless of course I am working for someone and getting paid - then yes, I will do as they as within the confines of the job). I am happy either working for myself, being someone else's boss, or working under someone (their gender doesn't matter). So I would say neither.

But when it comes to romantic/sexual relationships, I am 100% submissive. Being that I am hetero-romantic, that would mean submission to a man. If I was homo-romantic it would be submission to another female. I am currently in a BDSM relationship with my boyfriend, and he is my dominant and I am submissive to him. If it was a vanilla relationship, I really am not sure how things would hash out, but in that case (without the BDSM angle) I would probably prefer an egalitarian relationship. But I've never been in a vanilla relationship so I'm not sure. But in general, when I am romantically attracted to a man, I do tend to see him as a powerful figure who would have some control over things.

More to power to you to do what makes sense.

Some people would say I'm dominant in some ways as far as knowing what I'm talking about or being confident, but I also think one can be confident in their submissiveness.

[Mike D]

Independent. I don't want to dominate anyone and I will never submit to anyone. What I want is to be as free as I possibly can.

[Janus the Fox]

Depends on the relationship, I've felt more submissive and more dominant dependent on the person, completly independent of my and the others genders in relation of fetish virtual relationships.

[Rising Sun]

In general, not especially in romantic relationships, I've always had a strong tendency to be dominant, but now I don't especially like it and I try to fight that instinct. Ideally, I want to cooperate with full equality,and this is even more important for me with a partner. Anyway I hate being submissive and people who tried to make me an obedient person always failed no matter how violently they tried sometimes, and I was this way as early in my life as I can remember.

[DancesWithElves]

Women aren't submissive. As a feminist, I'm very offended. Don't say "oh, that person's submissive it must be because she's a woman".

How is 'submission' even applicable here?

[James Oswald]

Women aren't submissive. As a feminist, I'm very offended. Don't say "oh, that person's submissive it must be because she's a woman".

How is 'submission' even applicable here?

Couldn't agree more with you. I don't see how gender is related to these characteristics. I'm male and submissive.

[divided_sky]

Independent. I don't want to dominate anyone and I will never submit to anyone. What I want is to be as free as I possibly can.

Yep. I don't tolerate people attempting to be in control of me in any way, and I have no desire to control anyone else in any way. I'm drawn to independent girls who have a similar attitude, I find that very attractive.