Asexuality and Long Distance Relationships

[Gallantrv2427]

Hey guys,

I'm still getting used to accepting that I am asexual, and unlearning things and have started to wonder about how long distance relationships function in this subgroup....My last long-distance relationship was 5 years long, and very abusive but because the likelihood of finding another asexual in person who I feel love for is pretty slim, I guess I should be more open to it so as to expand my options. Looking around the site, it seems a lot of us start out as long distance for a while--is this normal? I'm a little weary to do long distance again, but if that's what it takes I'll do anything.

[jimerman]

i never recommend long distance but i know it is hard to find other asexuals (i have only ever found one and she was who told me about it) let alone one that you can really connect to. i recommend talking to people about it because i believe that a sexual/ aromantic is the largest group of LGBT people but most people don't know that asexuality is a thing. i have lived my entire life the asexual way but i never knew that there were others like me and that i was not in some way broken.

[Gallantrv2427]

Yeah, I guess in time maybe I can talk it up more but right now I am not really ready to be so open about it..I'm trying my best to focus on people who are nearby to me

[Ricecream-man]

Yup, I think the reason you hear about the long distance successes is because people don't generally talk about the failures. While long distance can work, it's usually very difficult and is dependent on the individuals involved. I've never started anything long distance from the get go, but the relationships of mine that became long distance never worked out.

The biggest part of any successful relationship is communication and that's what makes long distance so hard.

All it takes is for one person to decide they don't want to talk that day, or getting in a fight and ignoring each other rather than talking it out and bang there start the cracks in the relationship. Plus, many asexuals still want sensual activities. Anything from cuddles to kisses, and some start to crave that and the lack of physicality can be a breaking factor for asexuals as well.

[moonfairy3349]

I have been in a long-distance relationship and I can say that the best predictor of success has to do with goal-setting and having an end point. Otherwise the relationship will go on forever with each person living parallel lives. You can incorporate your partner into your daily schedule as much as possible and smaller visits help with the desire for sensual activities. The end point has to be realistic and exact - not "some time in the future" but rather "a few months from now" (different states in USA) or "a year or two from now" (different countries) depending on a variety of factors such as employment, school, etc.

[Guest]

I've been in a long distance asexual relationship for 14 months now and I love it.

I'd prefer long distance over in-person because over long distance you have a very long time to get to know someone inside out before meeting them.. you get to know every aspect of their mind, their thought patterns, their hopes and dreams etc *before* getting into "meatspace" with them.. I think that's awesome for so many reasons.

My last relationship was in-person, lasted 5 years, and was extremely abusive. I think it's wonderful getting to know every aspect of my partners personality *before* putting myself in a situation where he could hurt me physically, emotionally, mentally or sexually.. I know he never would hurt me, but if he did have those personality traits, I would know by now.. and hey presto! in that case I could just hit block and delete, instead of having to risk ending up in hospital or worse just to get out of the relationship.

You hear about long distance relationship failures all the time, and everyone complains about them saying "oh I've heard so many failure stories it's not even worth trying" but wake up lol, how many in person relationships last the rest of your life and are total successes? how many people do you meet who have had at least 4 previous failed relationships, usually a lot more? .. People are too quick to give distant relationships a hard time in my opinion. So what that many of them don't work out? you don't see people walking around saying "my last real life relationship didn't work out I'm *never* doing that again, my sisters relationship also didn't work.. real life relationships are waaaay to hard clearly and I'd recommend no one else try real life relationships, ever".. yet so many people seem to walk around saying this after only one failed distant relationship or knowing someone else who had a failed one.

I'll let everyone in on a secret haha, it's not the relationship, it's the people *in* the relationship. You're either meant for each other or you're not. If it's meant to be, it'll work.. and if it turns out you're not right for each other, the outcome very probably would have been the same in an in-person relationship, it may just have taken even longer to work that out.

So yep, I'm definitely all for long distance relationships. Best way to start a relationship in my humble opinion :P .. and there are quite a few AVENites who started long distance and are now married so yes, it's certainly a viable and successful (for some) way to meet asexual life partners. :)

[CrochetFool]

Yes, yes, yes to communication. It's essential for every relationship, but even moreso for a long-distance one. My last relationship ended up long-distance and, unfortunately, we had a communication breakdown. We had a fight, and...yeah. Over, just like that.

Did it put me off of long-distance? Nope, not if I hit it off with someone. Like PanFictosaurus Rex, I think it's a great way to get to know someone. Since we Aces tend to be few and far between, long-distance is an option most of us may have to face.

[Tarfeather]

It's like this: If you meet the right partner, it shouldn't matter where on the planet they are. ;)

Whether over the net or IRL, a relationship with a person who doesn't match you will always have problems. That seems to be a much bigger factor for consideration than LDR or no.

[novis]

Personally I feel like a relationship between two asexual people could work long distance slightly easier than that of two sexual people.

Anyway, the positive responses give me hope! :)

[whitesphere]

Can a long distance relationship work for an asexual? I think it depends on a lot of separate factors. Most important, how much do each of you value touch and just being together in person? Certainly it's POTENTIALLY easier for an asexual than a sexual person, depending on your answer to my first question.

How much can on the phone/video chat communication substitute for being together in person? That completely depends on the people involved, and is the second most important thing. In Panfictosaurus's case, clearly that is, emotionally, more than enough for her (and preferred because of a previously abusive relationship).

Also how far apart are you both? How much free time do you both have? And do you both make enough money so that frequent visits are even possible? And also crucial: Who is willing to permanently uproot themselves and disrupt their live SOLELY to be with the other?

For example, technically someone in RI is in a long distance relationship with someone who lives, say, in Boston. But in practice such a couple could be together far more often than someone in RI who is in a long distance relationship with someone in, say, Seattle WA. The movie Going the Distance is an interesting fictional data point. Granted it's about sexuals, with the main frustration being sexual frustration, the emotional dynamic of "Not able to physically be with your partner" does come into play for asexuals.

Also, if either or both of you are working full time or more, you need to more carefully synchronize schedules when you add in a long car ride or plane trip to see each other. And, if there isn't enough spare money to pay for enough trips to satisfy the "real life personal connection" need, the relationship will collapse.

And the life disruption is a real issue. If both of you have purchased homes and/or have pets (I'm assuming no human kids here), you're losing something significant. Pets fortunately can be moved, but sometimes, selling your house just isn't possible.

And, depending on the job and locations involved, someone is probably going to be quitting his/her job. From what I've heard, sexist though it is, and as much as I hate it, marriages are far more likely to end in divorce when the husband is unemployed. :-P

Basically, that "life disruption" can be a HUGE landmine. First time there's a huge problem, the one who moved may have a VERY strong urge to trot that out "I gave up my life for you!"

Personally, I stay away from long distance relationships, after having had several just quietly bomb. Also, I have Aspergers but instead of being overwhelmed by touch, I am deeply comforted by it. Obviously, a long distance relationship wouldn't work well for me.

[Gallantrv2427]

See, that's where I am curious--Obviously long distance for me this go around would be like RI to Mass or CT. Generally in New England. But, could the lack of serious desire for sexual contact make it easier if it were ace-ace, my last relationship was ace (though I didnt really accept it at the time)-sexual and that sexual persons drive was so much higher than mine the relationship went down a bad path.. so maybe not having that component would be easier?

And in response to what someone else said, I agree that it's nice that the speed of the relationship is so much slower long distance or at least you have more control over the speed of the relationship and whether or not you want to keep seeing that person around.

[whitesphere]

See, that's where I am curious--Obviously long distance for me this go around would be like RI to Mass or CT. Generally in New England. But, could the lack of serious desire for sexual contact make it easier if it were ace-ace, my last relationship was ace (though I didnt really accept it at the time)-sexual and that sexual persons drive was so much higher than mine the relationship went down a bad path.. so maybe not having that component would be easier?

Being ace-ace takes any sexual component out of the relationship obstacles, so I agree that takes one type of problem out of the mix.

However, that's why I elaborated in detail on the emotional component of physical closeness and togetherness. That would still be involved even for an ace-ace relationship. And I agree being in New England makes it far more likely cross-state relationships are "long distance" not "VERY long distance" relationships.

Mentally, I consider LDRs to be "within an hour's car ride" --- so it's plausible to see the person during the weekday. I consider VLDRs to be "requires a day trip or plane ride to visit"

Basically, the longer distance the relationship, the more it becomes ONLY communication. Granted, for many aces (a lot of whom get overwhelmed by being touched) that's even better than a RL relationship. Which is why I made the "How much physical touch and closeness do you need?" the most important question.

If physical closeness (i.e. touch, spending time with the person IRL, etc) is not too important, you're far more likely to have a successful LDR than an ace who requires more physical closeness.

[Guest]

Being ace-ace takes any sexual component out of the relationship obstacles, so I agree that takes one type of problem out of the mix.

However, that's why I elaborated in detail on the emotional component of physical closeness and togetherness. That would still be involved even for an ace-ace relationship. And I agree being in New England makes it far more likely cross-state relationships are "long distance" not "VERY long distance" relationships.

Mentally, I consider LDRs to be "within an hour's car ride" --- so it's plausible to see the person during the weekday. I consider VLDRs to be "requires a day trip or plane ride to visit"

Basically, the longer distance the relationship, the more it becomes ONLY communication. Granted, for many aces (a lot of whom get overwhelmed by being touched) that's even better than a RL relationship. Which is why I made the "How much physical touch and closeness do you need?" the most important question.

If physical closeness (i.e. touch, spending time with the person IRL, etc) is not too important, you're far more likely to have a successful LDR than an ace who requires more physical closeness.

To be honest, I love being touched by the person I am in love with. I am actually a very sensual person, I enjoy pretty much *all* sensual activity that doesn't involve actual sex, and I do desire and crave those activities with my partner about.. 24/7 haha, as he does with me.. I am also very kinky, so that is also something I crave always with him (again, he feels the same). Having a high libido I think makes my drive for contact much higher than it would be otherwise, though there is no desire for any form of sexual stimulation or sexual release from him, the libido just gives me a very strong urge to connect physically with him (I become hormonally aroused more often since entering into a relationship with him, not from thinking about him exactly, but apparently the love emotion can cause a rush of sex hormones in some people, regardless of whether or not the person in question has any interest in sexual contact with other people) .

This was all (obviously) rather difficult to deal with at the beginning of the relationship, but as time has gone by I realise I am more happy just to have him in my life as someone who is always there for me to rely on, and to have the future meeting with him to look forward to (no planned date as it's something neither of us can currently afford, we live 12,400 miles apart on different hemispheres of the globe :P) than I would be without him.. I mean, without him I wouldn't be getting that contact either right? I'd just also be missing the emotional aspects of having someone that I love deeply there to speak to every day.

The lack of physical and sensual contact with him is more bearable than the idea of not having him in my life.. I'd rather go without some of the things my body deeply craves, to have my lover in my life.

Also we do a lot of shared visualization.. That's where one describes a scene in which we are together, and then we both imagine it in vivid detail, and the other describes the continuation of the scene and we visualize that and so on.. it's a very powerful exercise and does help meet some of those physical needs, on an emotional and spiritual level anyway.

And yes sure we have had some terrible arguments :P it's certainly not all happy fairies and rainbow unicorns haha, but at the end of the day we know we are always each other's, regardless of what may have been said in the heat of an argument :)

I have always loved sensuality and physical intimacy, and have never been sex repulsed or anything (on the contrary I actually find it fascinating in a medical way) I just personally have no enjoyment of or desire for or interest in partnered sex. My partner feels the same way. Its obviously pretty hard to find someone like him, who loves kink and sensuality but doesn't want sex.. and he feels the same about me.. so we know our suitability for each other far outweighs any issues that the distance between us may cause.

In conclusion, I stand by what I said earlier.. in some cases, if two people are right for each other, then a great deal of distance really doesn't matter that much.. I'd rather have him at a distance than not have him at all. I understand that not every one feels this way of course, this is just my personal experience :)

[Ricecream-man]

See, that's where I am curious--Obviously long distance for me this go around would be like RI to Mass or CT. Generally in New England. But, could the lack of serious desire for sexual contact make it easier if it were ace-ace, my last relationship was ace (though I didnt really accept it at the time)-sexual and that sexual persons drive was so much higher than mine the relationship went down a bad path.. so maybe not having that component would be easier?

And in response to what someone else said, I agree that it's nice that the speed of the relationship is so much slower long distance or at least you have more control over the speed of the relationship and whether or not you want to keep seeing that person around.

I would say that component itself would make it a lot easier than an asexual to sexual perspective. It doesn't mean that it will be easy but in the case of two similar people with the only major difference between the two being their sexuality or lack thereof the asexual one would have an easier time with long distance.

This part here though confuses me.

whether or not you want to keep seeing that person around.

I feel like that in and of itself would indicate that you're no longer interested. However, I may be confused as to what you really meant.

[Gallantrv2427]

I guess what I meant by no longer wanting a person around, is that at long distance you have the ability to block or delete a person from your network---whereas when you live in a small place, like I do and will continue to do, dating in person is extremely visible and you have to kind of accept that you'll have to be around that person all the time regardless of if you want to maintain that interaction or not. Or worse if that person is abusive, in a in person relationship its a lot harder to "escape"

[Ricecream-man]

Ahh, got it. So you meant more in the sense of a safety precaution if the relationship doesn't work out. I thought you meant while still caring about them and in a relationship with them, so I was a bit confused. I guess that makes sense, although I would hope that you'd be able to filter out those people (or with the creepy persistent types) be lucky enough that you don't run into them.

[Guest]

It really depends on the two involved on if LDR can work or not.

For me, I prefer starting out LDR. You get to get to know the person without the face-to-face awkwardness, I can be more open, I don't feel like I am being judged for my looks (the one relationship I had where the romantic side started IRL, the guy wanted me to wear skimpy/tight clothes all the time so he could "show me off" ... yuck!).

I've had four relationships. All I got to know online long distance. Three romantic side started long distance. One romantic side started IRL, after we met as friends. Personally, I LOVE cuddling and kissing and being touchy in a relationship. BUT, I don't NEED that. I can be happy with just talking and playing video games together and such. If one could not be content with that though, then LDR won't really work out.

You can always try to find local meetup groups if you prefer RL and want an asexual partner. You can make friends, get to know other asexuals and see if anything develops from that.

[GingeyGirl]

My first relationship was long distance and lasted a year. The whole distance part never was too big of a problem, it wasn't until we were actually together that I decided it wouldn't work. But really the biggest problem with the situation was that at the time I didn't know about asexuality and just thought I had to be with him to want sex (I had learned about asexuality half way through the relationship, but ignored how I felt that's what I was). Once we were together and he wanted to get more physical than I wanted to, I just knew I couldn't be with him.

Looking back on it now, I've come to terms with my asexuality and I have nothing against long distance relationship. It was a good learning experience and helped me come to terms with who I am sexually. The biggest peices of advice I would give anyone going into a long distance relationship (or any relationship for that matter), is that weather the person is asexual or not you have to make sure you are on the same page when it comes to bounderies and you have to understand your own feelings towards different situations first. Figuring out those bounderies and feelings through the distance for me was a lot harder than in person, and if the whole relationship was spent together it probably wouldn't have lasted nearly as long.

[Tarfeather]

I'll let everyone in on a secret haha, it's not the relationship, it's the people *in* the relationship. You're either meant for each other or you're not. If it's meant to be, it'll work.. and if it turns out you're not right for each other, the outcome very probably would have been the same in an in-person relationship, it may just have taken even longer to work that out.

Just noticed this (didn't have much time for reading lately so at first I just skimmed through this).. This really only goes for people who both have an active online life. A relationship where one person doesn't really like to chat and the like, won't work online, where it might have worked IRL.

[Guest]

I'll let everyone in on a secret haha, it's not the relationship, it's the people *in* the relationship. You're either meant for each other or you're not. If it's meant to be, it'll work.. and if it turns out you're not right for each other, the outcome very probably would have been the same in an in-person relationship, it may just have taken even longer to work that out.

Just noticed this (didn't have much time for reading lately so at first I just skimmed through this).. This really only goes for people who both have an active online life. A relationship where one person doesn't really like to chat and the like, won't work online, where it might have worked IRL.

Again, as I always say, it's the people in the relationship that determine whether or not it will work, not necessarily the style of the relationship itself (LDR, online or local).. My partner doesn't like voice or video call (both cause him anxiety) so we don't do either, ever. We still make it work (and it works wonderfully) through international texting. If he literally refused to ever use technology, no, it wouldn't work because we'd never get to talk, but we wouldn't have met in the first place if that was the case.

Generally if two people are looking for a partner online, they are prepared to at least try to make a distance relationship work. Sure if two people meet in person, then have to begin a distance relationship, that's different.. they may never have been prepared for, or wanted, a distance relationship in the first place (not saying they can't make it work, just saying it may be something they had never prepared for and may not be something they are able to maintain) .. as this topic is about asexual distance relationships however, the vast majority probably would have began online (as asexuals are so few and far apart) ergo one would be assuming both partners have some form of online life to begin with, or at least know how to use international communication apps like Skype, Whatsapp etc.

I'll let everyone in on a secret haha, it's not the relationship, it's the people *in* the relationship. You're either meant for each other or you're not. If it's meant to be, it'll work.. and if it turns out you're not right for each other, the outcome very probably would have been the same in an in-person relationship, it may just have taken even longer to work that out.

I very firmly believe this, yes.

I love getting to know someone -- friends as well -- from a distance. The communication is more personal, more authentic and more natural for me when communicating with people online (provided both parties are honest, of course).

My husband and I met here on AVEN over six years ago and have been married for almost four years, so, y'know, long-distance can definitely work. :)

Wow that's so awesome! congratulations :lol:

[Rising Sun]

But they have plenty of ways to chat : emails, instant messenger, video chat...

To explain with a concrete example, I'm really not a talkative person, to the point where people often ask me why I never say anything. And I also dislike conversations without instant answers. One more element to add, I'm a very visual person, and this is particularly important with someone who is more than a friend to me. So I naturally prefer video chats by far.

I'm both not very verbal and craving physical contact with my partner, so most people would think that LDRs aren't for me, but my last relationship, which was mostly a VLDR, worked very well. I'm lucky to love travelling, I assimilate other languages and cultures very quickly, and I save as much money as possible each month (despite having a very low income, I've managed to save enough to regularly travel to the other end of the world with a low cost flight), so it's sort of living 2 passions in the same time :) It also asks excellent planning skills and a healthy way to take care of a budget, but these aren't problems to me.

[Hooded_Crow]

I've been in a long distance asexual relationship for 14 months now and I love it.

I'd prefer long distance over in-person because over long distance you have a very long time to get to know someone inside out before meeting them.. you get to know every aspect of their mind, their thought patterns, their hopes and dreams etc *before* getting into "meatspace" with them.. I think that's awesome for so many reasons.

My last relationship was in-person, lasted 5 years, and was extremely abusive. I think it's wonderful getting to know every aspect of my partners personality *before* putting myself in a situation where he could hurt me physically, emotionally, mentally or sexually.. I know he never would hurt me, but if he did have those personality traits, I would know by now.. and hey presto! in that case I could just hit block and delete, instead of having to risk ending up in hospital or worse just to get out of the relationship.

You hear about long distance relationship failures all the time, and everyone complains about them saying "oh I've heard so many failure stories it's not even worth trying" but wake up lol, how many in person relationships last the rest of your life and are total successes? how many people do you meet who have had at least 4 previous failed relationships, usually a lot more? .. People are too quick to give distant relationships a hard time in my opinion. So what that many of them don't work out? you don't see people walking around saying "my last real life relationship didn't work out I'm *never* doing that again, my sisters relationship also didn't work.. real life relationships are waaaay to hard clearly and I'd recommend no one else try real life relationships, ever".. yet so many people seem to walk around saying this after only one failed distant relationship or knowing someone else who had a failed one.

I'll let everyone in on a secret haha, it's not the relationship, it's the people *in* the relationship. You're either meant for each other or you're not. If it's meant to be, it'll work.. and if it turns out you're not right for each other, the outcome very probably would have been the same in an in-person relationship, it may just have taken even longer to work that out.

So yep, I'm definitely all for long distance relationships. Best way to start a relationship in my humble opinion :P .. and there are quite a few AVENites who started long distance and are now married so yes, it's certainly a viable and successful (for some) way to meet asexual life partners. :)

I absolutely agree with Pan :) I am in a loving wonderful LDR with an amazing person. It has been going on for nearly 7 months now and we couldn't be happier.

We connect mostly on a mental and emotional level so maybe that's why LDR works for us. But we are also eager to meet and cuddle as we know it'll be wonderful as well now that we know and love each other

Plus, as a very shy person, I'm not sure I could have become so close and open with someone so fast if it had been "in person".

I wouldn't exchange my relationship for the world =3

[Philip027]

I wouldn't exchange my relationship for the world =3

Same here, honey

[Ricecream-man]

I wouldn't exchange my relationship for the world =3

Same here, honey

Lol you guys and your romances. I'll be back after throwing up rainbows :P

[Hooded_Crow]

I wouldn't exchange my relationship for the world =3

Same here, honey

Lol you guys and your romances. I'll be back after throwing up rainbows :P

:P jealous ;)

[Sage Raven Domino]

But not as jealous as me

Sorry if it's inappropriate, I've mentioned your VLDR as an illustration of the point that a relationship can help people drag each other out of the abyss of issues. Could you please elaborate on how you got together? Was it pure luck or a result of deliberate search?

Also, I'd like to ask everyone reading the thread: is the hope of getting together in a few months or years necessary for a VLDR between aces to be sustainable, or do you think that a longterm VLDR between people who aren't particularly cuddle-horny without ever meeting in person can be viable?

If one has a particular person or people from a particular area in general in mind, is it OK to approach them from the long distance or is it better to keep silence until getting an opportunity to take the risk, travel into that area and approach them in person? (I've read Serran's post - #17 - but I'm not sure if, by her preference for starting out from the long distance, she meant a strategy of approaching someone partucular or a general dating strategy.)

[Hooded_Crow]

It's not inappropriate :) it's rather flattering, I think

The way we got together was because Phil posted a thread back in July 2014. He was feeling extremely down at the time and was basically reaching out for support.

I was one of the people to reply to this thread. And at some point, some troll polluted his thread and Phil snapped at him and as a result the thread got locked.

I was very worried about Phil as he was very depressed. So I PMed him. I shared with him the email I had sent to the Samaritans (basically a suicide prevention helpline). He shared his experience of depression and I shared mine.

We connected and became friends. We noticed we were both feeling very strongly about each other. We were great friends and then we fell in love.

We're still the best of friends. We always share everything because we want to. When something happens to me, the first thing I think is "oh, I can't wait to tell him".

So there you go. We basically started out as depression buddies then friends then in love :)

As for the prospect of meeting, well Phil and I are very excited about meeting this summer. But. I'd wait longer without a second thought

We always agreed that there was no timer on this, no "we have to meet before one year" or anything like that. My only condition was that we actually did some day. Because I want to actually spend the rest of my life with him. Not with my computer. To me, long distance has to be temporary. But I can wait years for him. No problem.

[Notte stellata]

Also, I'd like to ask everyone reading the thread: is the hope of getting together in a few months or years necessary for a VLDR between aces to be sustainable, or do you think that a longterm VLDR between people who aren't particularly cuddle-horny without ever meeting in person can be viable?

Again, it depends on the people in the LDR, whether their relationship needs can be met without meeting in person in the long term. Physical intimacy isn't the only need that's hard to fulfill over a distance; there are other things like doing activities together and sharing a domestic life, and the communication dynamics may be different in person vs. online too. If any of these is crucial to you, a long-term VLDR will probably be difficult.

Personally I don't mind being in a VLDR indefinitely (already have two that most likely won't turn local), although meeting from time to time would be preferred. I have a flexible view on relationships. As long as the emotional connection is there, it can take whatever form makes sense to everyone. It doesn't have to "go anywhere" in the conventional sense. Also, being poly allows me to have my physical needs met from other in-person relationships without affecting my LDRs.

[Guest]

Also, I'd like to ask everyone reading the thread: is the hope of getting together in a few months or years necessary for a VLDR between aces to be sustainable, or do you think that a longterm VLDR between people who aren't particularly cuddle-horny without ever meeting in person can be viable?

If one has a particular person or people from a particular area in general in mind, is it OK to approach them from the long distance or is it better to keep silence until getting an opportunity to take the risk, travel into that area and approach them in person? (I've read Serran's post - #17 - but I'm not sure if, by her preference for starting out from the long distance, she meant a strategy of approaching someone partucular or a general dating strategy.)

Just depends on the people in the relationship. My partner and I met in AVEN chat in 2013 and have not met in person yet nor have any set plans to. I mean, we know we'll (probably) meet *someday* we just don't know when and aren't in any particular rush. We are happy if we have to remain in VLDR for years without ever meeting as we are just happy to have each other in our lives at all.

Some people couldn't handle that, some can. There are no set rules as to what makes a relationship viable long term and what doesn't other than the age-old "trust, respect, honesty etc" which apply to *any* romantic relationship.. You'll hear people say things like "voicecall is vital for LDR" or "having a set date to meet is vital" but that's not true.. it just depends on the two people in the relationship and what is 'vital' for them *personally* .. also, my partner and are both uber cuddle-horny haha but that doesn't change the VLDR relationship dynamics at all.

I don't know about the second part of your question. I believe in just letting it happen on it's own, not going out and trying to force it to happen.. but that's just me. My partner and I became friends in chat here in 2013, and slowly grew closer, progressed to PMs and the rest is history. At no point was I thinking "I want VLDR I'm going to *make* this happen!"

Also, just as a side-note, never hope for a relationship as a way to help you with your problems or to help "drag you out of an abyss of issues". Sure if a relationship starts and happens to help with your issues, that's great.. but it's unhealthy to think "if only I had a relationship I wouldn't be so depressed, if only I had a relationship this would be so much easier" etc.. relying on someone else to fix your issues can be a huge mistake because if the relationship turns sour (they often do, whether local or LDR) and the person you had your hopes for healing tied up in buggers off, you may be left a lot worse off than you were to start with (heartbroken *and* depressed) .. It's best to try to find ways to help yourself instead of making a goal to find a romantic partner to help you. I'm not sure if that's what you were getting at in your reply to Phil and Crow as I haven't clicked the link yet (I'm in a hurry because I'm making breakfast so haven't had a chance yet) but it did come across that way a little. I apologise if that's not what you were getting at

EDIT: okay I saw your other topic, and stand by what I just said. Only you can heal yourself, no one else can do it for you. My partner and I both have some rather severe mental/emotional issues that are constant factors in our day to day lives (though neither of us are as vocal about them as some people here are about theirs) and sure we absolutely support each other in all ways possible, but at the end of the day, it's up to us as individuals to make it through every day. Having each other's support is wonderful, but no relationship can "heal" the issues.. Only you can work through your own issues. No one else can work through them for you.

[Burgundy]

I tried long-distance with my (very sexual) boyfriend, didn't work. We'd been together for 8 months when I left to teach abroad for a year and it didn't last that long after that. I could deal with long distance but he couldn't.

There is someone I've been talking to recently who may like me and I have considered long distance (not continents apart though, just a few hours on the train) and it would save a lot of stress really as I wouldn't be expected to do stuff with him a lot.