Jump to content

Physical attraction - Do asexuals relate to this experience?


teagansk

Recommended Posts

A few weeks ago our marriage therapist asked my wife to envision a line of extremely attractive male models. The therapist asked her to describe them. My wife said things, like "well I'd want to know what they do or what they are about. What are their values." The therapist pushed and said, "no, not their character, just their physical appearance." My wife could not put words to pure physical attraction. This went on for a while but she never did find words to describe a purely physically attractive man. I was expecting 'hot,' 'sexy,' or at least 'handsome' to come out of her mouth but she never found any of those words. This was a defining moment for me.

I realize from spending time here that asexuals have a wide spectrum of attraction and arousal so I don't expect everyone will relate. However, this was really eye opening for me. I have always searched for words of affirmation from my wife. When asked to describe how I know I am attractive, I look for signs or words of attraction in how other people relate to me and obviously my wife is the most important. The fact that she has never complimented me or demonstrated physical desire always left me feeling unattractive. Our therapist asks my wife if she finds me attractive and she says "yes, of course." I call her out as a liar because actions speak louder than words and for 20 years I haven't seen it. I know that you can't make someone desire you but I wanted to get that problem on the table so we could deal with it. The exercise above really served me well to better describe what "attractive" means to my wife and why I wasn't getting that affirmation I so desired. Using the questions above, I know my wife finds me fully attractive because she absolutely affirms daily that she loves who I am in terms of what I do, the father & husband that I am, what I am about, and my values. All this time I felt physically unattractive, it really wasn't me. I am not sure how many other sexuals can relate but that completely changes how I feel about myself and how I relate to my soul-mate.

I am grateful for this website and the people that share their experience here. It has helped me gain acceptance in a way I never envisioned possible.

Link to post
Share on other sites
belovedless

Hmmm, I can relate to this experience to some degree. I do feel aesthetic attraction, but no sexual or romantic attraction. If someone where to ask me to describe extremely attractive models, I might get caught up on that, since I don't find models attractive. She might have processed the question literally.

I would never seriously describe someone, even someone whom I found aesthetically attractive, as sexy or hot. I have no true type; I see someone, and they are just beautiful. If a therapist asked me to describe attractive models, I would probably just try to imagine some music artists that I find aesthetically attractive or describe my best friend. I would not be able to envision a perfect person on my own. Not at all!

Since there's no sexual or romantic attraction involved, I can find a real person as aesthetically attractive as a video game character. (Art is art.) However, I will say that I tend to only find someone aesthetically attractive if there's a character trait attributed to them that I admire: a good pro-gamer, an amazing guitarist with awesome style, an androgynous RPG protagonist who has a penchant for brooding. The whole package needs to be there. Floating faces of attractive people? Not possible for me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can appreciate good looks (or what I personally find attractive) in men and there are men I consider attractive, such as my avatar who is the only one I have ever described, or would ever describe, as 'hot'.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I do experience some physical or aesthetic attraction to people, but I never try to make a big deal out of it. I don't believe I've ever complimented anyone on their appearance; it feels kind of pointless, to a degree, since you're pretty much saying, "Hey, you were born with good genes!", and I never cared for the usual implications behind complimenting appearances. I also hardly use physical attraction to describe people, with the most I've ever really described someone is a meek, "Yeah, sure, they're pretty/aesthetically pleasant", much to the chagrin of my allosexual friends whose first question always seems to be, "Are they hot/cute/beautiful/etc?"

Despite this, aesthetic attraction still plays some role in my social life. Everyone that I have squished/crushed on has been aesthetically attractive, as well as having personality, intelligence, etc that I found desirable. It is a small factor, but I do believe it plays a role in whether I find someone romantically attractive.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I do find people aesthetically attractive,like looking at a flower or painting. If i was asked to describe models,i would probably focus exclusively on their faces(for eg. their eyes are pretty,their nose is shaped well etc),i would find their bodies of very little interest and not comment much on it(maybe height and size would be talked about).

Aesthetic beauty is important in a potential partner for me(of course,along with other qualities), and i feel very bad about it often !!! It makes me feel shallow and vain !!! But somehow im never able to be attracted to a physically unattractive person(no matter how much i try,i totally bully myself to do it,but ,never happens) !!! I think its really great your wife doesn't care about silly things like physical attractiveness(its just skin deep) and loves you for who you are !!! I wish i could love someone like that...really...i do !!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can completely relate. I didn't figure it out until I came here and all of a sudden it makes sense. Wife loves me completely. Sexual attraction and desire isn't on her radar at all. For 15 years I assumed it was everything except what she had been telling me all along. "If I want sex I'll let you know. If you want sex, I'll let you know when too...." Turns out she was serious when she said she didn't feel like it and there isn't a thing I can do to change her mind. The last few weeks here have changed my marriage.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I do find people aesthetically attractive,like looking at a flower or painting. If i was asked to describe models,i would probably focus exclusively on their faces(for eg. their eyes are pretty,their nose is shaped well etc),i would find their bodies of very little interest and not comment much on it(maybe height and size would be talked about).

Aesthetic beauty is important in a potential partner for me(of course,along with other qualities), and i feel very bad about it often !!! It makes me feel shallow and vain !!! But somehow im never able to be attracted to a physically unattractive person(no matter how much i try,i totally bully myself to do it,but ,never happens) !!! I think its really great your wife doesn't care about silly things like physical attractiveness(its just skin deep) and loves you for who you are !!! I wish i could love someone like that...really...i do !!!!

I think genetics should be taken into account. It's not vain to desire a more aesthetically pleasing partner. We are wired to want these things in a future mate. Good skin, and height, and a woman's hip ratio-- all contributing factors, because it is considered healthy indicators. I see nothing wrong with it. And why can't you do both? You can! :D

I may not find someone aesthetically attractive, but I can always say "Smiles are contagious" or "You're a nice person". But goshdarnit, if someone has pretty eyes, I am going to say so. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can relate with your wife. Although I know what popular culture considers attractive, I can't define a physical feature that is attractive. My definition of attractive is being happy when I see someone because when I see them I think of who they are and the memories we share. It's more of what emotions their appearance bring out in me than any specific physical feature. And, of course, if I only have negative memories of someone they're going to be ugly to me xD

Being around the ace community, I don't think this is all too common. Many asexuals do have aesthetic attraction and some even get defensive about it since I think there is this assumption that asexuals are oblivious to "sexiness". I think it's good they see beauty this way because to me we're all just skin sacks filled with blood, guts and bones and that's no fun. I'm curious about what the world looks like when you see aesthetic beauty in people but this is probably something I won't get to experience.

Link to post
Share on other sites

We don't use the phrase physical attraction because it can be interpreted or intended as sexual attraction, sensual attraction, or aesthetic attraction. Many asexuals feel aesthetic attraction, some can't. And in fact, there was recently a thread saying sexuals cant feel aesthetic attraction, or at least apart from their sexual attraction. Your wife may not experience aesthetic attraction (a fixation because of looks and or mannerisms) or be able to identify good looks (no fixation and may be going off of others opinions and not their own), but maybe she experiences emotional attraction and means she finds your personality attractive. (Or not feel aesthetic attraction under romantic cercomstances but only platonically, or the romantic attraction cancels out the previously felt aesthetic attraction.)

I've heard alot of asexuals say, myself included, that they don't use "hot" or "sexy" because they do not relate to or feel the sexual attraction that the words imply. I would use other words like pretty, handsome, cute, beautiful, etc. Though I'm not one for giving or recieving compliments (unless it's being said to clarify something), probibly because of my experience with getting frequently complamented on my red hair and forced to say thankyou on a topic i wasn't anywhere near thankfull for/complete strangers somehow intitled to me being thankfull for pointless words. I also rarely experience aesthetic attraction so i never even remotely understood what they were talking about/the need to vocalize this opinion, nor do i feel the need to vocalize it when i do feel it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't see the human body or it's features as attractive. What draws me is personality, traits, their moral fiber and how they treat others. To me, that defines their beauty.

If I had to pick something in the physical sense, I would say it's the way a persons' eyes light up when they smile.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can relate to your wife. I don't know what the word hot or sexy even means. I look at a person and the physical appearance doesn't even register. Instead I think about what their life is like, what principles guide them, what habits, etc. When asked if I think someone is hot, my response is "what does that mean?" Always. Because it makes no sense to me.

I also don't compliment people, and here's why. Compliments always feel forced and fake to me. Its a social convention that people feel obligated to do to give other people "feel good" boost or ego boost. I don't feel the need to do it and quite frankly, it never even crosses my mind. I put focus on accomplishments and what service that person did. And that results in my thanking them.

Just to say, this is why I probably won't marry. Most people love to be told compliments. But it has nothing to do with you. Just how she is. And how I am.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would have been just as lost as your wife. Physical attributes don't mean anything to me. Not all asexuals are necessarily like this, though, but it seems you know that already.

I definitely can still feel attracted, it just doesn't stem from how someone looks. I figure that's probably why all of my relationships thus far have begun over the internet >_>

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can definitely see when someone is attractive, and there's many times I've wanted to stare at a beautiful woman or man on the bus. But I'm honestly not sure I could describe a "hot" person. I agree with some of the above, I don't really use the word 'hot' just because of its connotations. I feel like hot means more than just aesthetic attraction, to me it contains a desire to do something with the person who is being described. Same goes for sexy. (And I'm aware that not everyone shares this sense of the words.)

Link to post
Share on other sites
WhenSummersGone

I would also need to know people better before I see them as hot or sexy. I think I've only called 3 people sexy in my life. I can't tell much from just a picture but I can see when someone is good looking, handsome, pretty or cute. I see people like I see paintings or art. Good to look at but sexual feelings don't play a role unless I know them better.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think I have given similar responses as your wife to my girlfriend before. I truly do find her attractive but that's after knowing her very well over the course of our relationship. I show my love for her and my appreciation through gestures other than sex because I just don't think of her as "sexy" for a vast majority of the time. She is definitely cute, as are my celebrity and character crushes but I usually do not have the need to act on it.

Values and habits and personality are all things I notice first. And for me, my appreciation of those can lead to love.

I'm so happy that you have been able to find acceptance and feel validated.

Link to post
Share on other sites
DancesWithElves

No sexual attraction and I feel AWESOME.

I don't use words like "hot" or "sexy". Just too sexual sounding.

There is a habit of seeing beautiful girls and getting jealous, so there was an occasion when I thought "oh, you must be homo-aesthetic or homo-romantic" because these girls look so beautiful to you. I'm still not sure why I get so jealous. I may have tendencies to be homo, in the case that homo means "you think these girls are way too pretty!" O_O

It's not the same for me aesthetically with guys, so that might mean it is just appreciation for women only. But I like guys more romantically, so go figure.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I will be honest that I fall in love from the inside out.. I couldn't have described a random physically attractive person just on the sake of pure physical attraction.

If I connect with someone on a deep level, do I find them physically attractive? Yes, but then it would be things specific to them that I found attractive (that wouldn't appeal to me without the emotional/ intellectual attachment).

Link to post
Share on other sites
Purnkin Spurce

I can appreciate and be visually attracted to good looking people. I find nice butts attractive, women's bodies very beautiful and sensual and sometimes even like how muscular men look. But I have no sexual attraction to go with that feeling. I have no urge to be sexual with those good looking people, nor do I think about it. I just find them visually pleasing, like a work of art that I could look at all day. I think I even have a slight "type" in person I'd prefer to date if looks ever played a part. But when I think more deeply, it's the personality, sense of humor and values that I find most attractive in a person.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am kinda like your wife. When my partner goes "is he attractive?" I am just "Well, I dunno, he seems kinda nice but I don't know him..." ... what I find attractive in celebrities is things like, Ian Somerhalder's animal charity work. Things I find attractive in others is just how they act, who they are. Nothing to do with how they look. So, if asked to picture a line of attractive men, for me, it would be.. a bunch of guys lining up to volunteer to play with rescue puppies! They can be tall, thin, short, fat, I really don't care. :D I don't find people "handsome" or "hot" or "sexy".

Link to post
Share on other sites
I don't really know how I identify anymore, but I can say this: although I can find people's faces attractive, bodies do absolutely nothing for me.

Would you say that you're more interested in the emotion being expressed (far easier to do with the face than the rest of the body) rather than how it is they actually look? Like, would you find yourself more drawn to a person that looks happy/confident/etc?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Also, I think that like most people (because I'm pretty sure it's normal regardless of sexuality), if I like someone's personality, I'm far more likely to find them physically attractive.

See, I would have thought that way too, but then there are still a lot of "RL" situations like the one presented in the OP, where someone is asked or otherwise expected to be able to evaluate appearance/attractiveness based simply on the looks, rather than personality, expression, or whatever else... so I would guess it's not something beyond the capability of most people to do. :< I wonder if that's something that's overall (not universally, of course) more difficult for aces to do.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can definitely relate. I remember very distinctly an incident as a teen where a class mate was showing me a picture of a pop music group and asking me which one I preferred and considered most "hot". I just felt completely stumped because all I could think is "I don't know any of them, so the question makes no sense...". I realized that wouldn't be the answer they expected though, so I just went with "none" out of fear that if I did fake a choice I'd have to justify it and I simply would not have been able to.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Also, I think that like most people (because I'm pretty sure it's normal regardless of sexuality), if I like someone's personality, I'm far more likely to find them physically attractive.

See, I would have thought that way too, but then there are still a lot of "RL" situations like the one presented in the OP, where someone is asked or otherwise expected to be able to evaluate appearance/attractiveness based simply on the looks, rather than personality, expression, or whatever else... so I would guess it's not something beyond the capability of most people to do. :< I wonder if that's something that's overall (not universally, of course) more difficult for aces to do.

It's a mixed bag. Most people I know can see someone as "hot" based purely on looks. Like, see someone on the street, know NOTHING about them and instantly drool cause they have the body type they like. However, if said person is a jerk, they might lose that attraction based on personality and begin seeing them as less attractive physically. Or, if someone is not as attractive physically, but has an awesome personality, they might see them as more physically attractive based on how they feel about their personality. But, certainly the "physical only with no knowledge of personality" attraction exists in everyone I know IRL. My mom has been known to buy the wrong CD in the store cause she got distracted by a guy's looks on the cover of one...

Link to post
Share on other sites
I Shot the Serif

I guess I still don't do "hot," thought I can easily point out which people would be considered hot: the ones above a certain age who are the most aesthetically attractive.

I always thought my partner was gorgeous but once we started holding hands, and then cuddling, and then cuddling without clothes and stuff, I feel like there was some learned physical attraction that happened. Like, I guess not the same as actually feeling sexual attraction, but a serviceable substitute. For just one person. I'm sure this happens with non-aces too - I mean on top of their original attraction.

Link to post
Share on other sites
SliceOfLemon

I definitely recognise that failure to imagine physically attractive people. Once in a while I find someone who is beautiful, but the only thing I'm ever the least attracted to is personality and intelligence. Beautiful people are to me, as others have mentioned, like beautiful art - I can appreciate looking at it, but I'm not going to be attracted to a painting.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...

This thread is getting a little dated but let me give you a perfect example of this ace-intellectual-attraction. I was talking to a driven-sexual coworker (I'm certainly assuming she is as there's nothing about her I'd consider Ace). I'll call her Tammie. Tammie is very cute, looks fantastic for her age, very rebel-stylish, etc.

She was friends with Timmie, half her age and a strappin' young guy. She was telling me in good fun how people were joking that "Really Hot Tammie and Really Hot Timmie" were in the restaraunt together, as people both called them that. How can that little restaraunt handle all that hotness?? LOL

I had previously talked to Timmie and determined from a five minute conversation that he was about as dumb as a box of rocks. He was NOT attractive to me because of that, no matter how many girls of all ages were swooning all over him.

I said back to Tammie how I actually thought Jim, a younger guy similar in age to Timmie, who I talked to for about five minutes and determined that hm.....he *seems* pretty distant and intelligent.

Jim is a bit shorter, (still taller than me---that's not hard) sort of unassuming, strange hobbies for someone his age, sudden, violent illnesses, seems tired most of the time, deflects and hides and dodges and weaves in conversation, has occasions where he acts VERY old for his age. I don't know if Jim ever had relationships or what kind or how experienced he is at girls swooning or partying, but he does seem MUCH smarter than Timmie. And I wouldn't call him "hot". Interesting, intriguing, I want to investigate, I want to know what makes him tick. THAT kind of attractive.

That's what it's like. We have a different perspective....sometimes a MUCH different perspective. I am an artist and can appreciate beauty in any sex or person despite being sex-repulsed, but if you're dumber than a box of rocks, I don't care how much of an Adonis everyone else considers you...you're simply not attractive. I do not care to know you.

Glad things are turning out for you, teagansk.

Link to post
Share on other sites
AnotherWeasley

I had a bit of an eye opener when one of my best friends and me were looking at a "Sexiest Actor" list. I only noticed the actors I knew and said things ilke, "Oh, he's funny!" or "He always seems to be really happy!" or "He's got an amazing voice and I really like the way he is in interviews" or even "He's good-looking". My friend (who is straight) said much the same things about the people she knew, but she also stopped periodically and said, "Oh, he's got nice eyes!" or "He's kinda hot!" When I looked at the actors I could sort of see what she meant, but I still didn't give them much thought afterwards.

This is kind of pathetic, but I've only ever had squishes on people I'll probably never meet. But one thing I've realised is that I didn't get attracted to them when I saw them in their respective roles, but only once I'd got an impression of what their personality is like in real life - or perhaps more accurately their public personality, since I've never talked to them.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Someone Else

I am pretty sure I feel the same physical attraction as sexual people -- except that I have no interest in genitals. But everything else, yeah, I know what "hot" and "sexy" are, I just don't see the point in expressing it with sex or a genital obsession (my own or anyone else's). I don't need to call this attraction "aesthetic" or "romantic" or "sensual," necessarily... I feel fine calling it physical attraction, which may or may not involve romance (hopefully it will). I just express it differently.

Link to post
Share on other sites

That's what it's like. We have a different perspective....sometimes a MUCH different perspective.

I don't think that's something specific to sexual/asexual differences. More like, personality and taste. I do realize that most sexuals have a very similar and.. boring taste in what they consider "attractive", but that doesn't mean we're all like that. Many halfway smart people also drift toward what you described as they grow older and more experienced.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This thread is getting a little dated but let me give you a perfect example of this ace-intellectual-attraction. I was talking to a driven-sexual coworker (I'm certainly assuming she is as there's nothing about her I'd consider Ace). I'll call her Tammie. Tammie is very cute, looks fantastic for her age, very rebel-stylish, etc.

She was friends with Timmie, half her age and a strappin' young guy. She was telling me in good fun how people were joking that "Really Hot Tammie and Really Hot Timmie" were in the restaraunt together, as people both called them that. How can that little restaraunt handle all that hotness?? LOL

I had previously talked to Timmie and determined from a five minute conversation that he was about as dumb as a box of rocks. He was NOT attractive to me because of that, no matter how many girls of all ages were swooning all over him.

I said back to Tammie how I actually thought Jim, a younger guy similar in age to Timmie, who I talked to for about five minutes and determined that hm.....he *seems* pretty distant and intelligent.

Jim is a bit shorter, (still taller than me---that's not hard) sort of unassuming, strange hobbies for someone his age, sudden, violent illnesses, seems tired most of the time, deflects and hides and dodges and weaves in conversation, has occasions where he acts VERY old for his age. I don't know if Jim ever had relationships or what kind or how experienced he is at girls swooning or partying, but he does seem MUCH smarter than Timmie. And I wouldn't call him "hot". Interesting, intriguing, I want to investigate, I want to know what makes him tick. THAT kind of attractive.

That's what it's like. We have a different perspective....sometimes a MUCH different perspective. I am an artist and can appreciate beauty in any sex or person despite being sex-repulsed, but if you're dumber than a box of rocks, I don't care how much of an Adonis everyone else considers you...you're simply not attractive. I do not care to know you.

Glad things are turning out for you, teagansk.

Yeah, that's not an asexual thing, that's just a stupidity thing. Not all sexuals are stupid and not all asexuals are smart. Not all sexuals make poor choices of mates and not all asexuals make good ones. What you're talking about is a personality difference... a personality difference you'll see amongst sexuals and asexuals alike.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...