LittleEngine Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Hello. I have come to this website a few times before to read and try and get some info on the subject but I really just want to talk to someone now. I am 23 and I have a boyfriend who I love dearly, we have sex but I just don't....need it? I have sex with him to make him happy, and he want's to pleasure me but I just don't feel the need for it? I have never been into sex really. It's awkward and messy and time consuming. I have had sex with 4 people before him, but even like now, it was never a gratifying feeling. I never had sex because I NEEDED it. I just did because that's what people do when they date. I have told my boyfriend before that I have sex for him and he doesn't really need to do anything in return for it because I really don't need anything as far as sex goes, and I really want to be able to give him a concrete reason as to why. He feels bad about me not needing to be pleasured back, and often will refrain from anything sexual even though I told him it's okay. I guess what I am really trying to get to the bottom to is that could I be asexual? Or Aromantic? I really want to figure myself out more and this has always been a thing on my mind since I was younger but never really figured out what it was. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Striped Sweater Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 From what you have described, it's entirely possible you could be asexual. The fact that you have sex without feeling the need for it is pretty telling. That said, the only person who can truly confirm your identity is you. You've been doing some research and looking into things which is good. I would suggest going further into it. See what speaks to you. As for the experiences with your boyfriend and him wanting to pleasure you despite not needing it, I can't say much on that. But you're far from alone. Many people with similar experiences have shared their stories here. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
LittleEngine Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 But I masturbate? I mean, I find things sexy and I get turned on? But It's just the act that I find I don't need. That is what is confusing me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Striped Sweater Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Actually a lot of asexuals masturbate and get aroused. I've heard it described as "scratching an itch." Again, I'm not the best resource as I don't have any sort of sex drive. But masturbation and being asexual are not mutually exclusive things. I hope that clears it up a bit? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 So there are other things you "don't need"? Is that what you meant by mentioning Aromantic? Do you not need verbal reciprocation or sensual reciprocation (non-sexual but includes kissing, holding hands, cuddling etc.). Many asexuals find erotic material arousing because of whats happening and not because of the people in it (which would be sexual attraction). Masturbatory habits do not reflect sexuality because if it did every straight person that watches gay porn (or vice versa) would be Bisexual. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kam97 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 So there are other things you "don't need"? Is that what you meant by mentioning Aromantic? Do you not need verbal reciprocation or sensual reciprocation (non-sexual but includes kissing, holding hands, cuddling etc.). Many asexuals find erotic material arousing because of whats happening and not because of the people in it (which would be sexual attraction). Masturbatory habits do not reflect sexuality because if it did every straight person that watches gay porn (or vice versa) would be Bisexual. you've got me slightly bemused. Are you suggesting aromantics masturbate and enjoy it? Is this a strict rule? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kam97 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Hello. I have come to this website a few times before to read and try and get some info on the subject but I really just want to talk to someone now. I am 23 and I have a boyfriend who I love dearly, we have sex but I just don't....need it? I have sex with him to make him happy, and he want's to pleasure me but I just don't feel the need for it? I have never been into sex really. It's awkward and messy and time consuming. I have had sex with 4 people before him, but even like now, it was never a gratifying feeling. I never had sex because I NEEDED it. I just did because that's what people do when they date. I have told my boyfriend before that I have sex for him and he doesn't really need to do anything in return for it because I really don't need anything as far as sex goes, and I really want to be able to give him a concrete reason as to why. He feels bad about me not needing to be pleasured back, and often will refrain from anything sexual even though I told him it's okay. I guess what I am really trying to get to the bottom to is that could I be asexual? Or Aromantic? I really want to figure myself out more and this has always been a thing on my mind since I was younger but never really figured out what it was. I don't think this is necessarily asexuality or the developments of one. But that's just my opinion. You are doing the right thing by researching if this is indeed the case. However, a myriad of factors induce lack of desire for sex, these include hormonal changes, menopause, past episodes of life or ugly experiences, depression and sometimes even lack of attraction with the partner. I am not suggesting these could have effected you right now but they do affect most ppl who go through a small transition before being sexual active again. My advice would be, hold on for couple of more days, keep researching, and investigating what is really going on. And once you do know its asexuality, take the plunge and never regret. Its the best thing that has happened to me. But if its not ace, then in either case win-win for you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 So there are other things you "don't need"? Is that what you meant by mentioning Aromantic? Do you not need verbal reciprocation or sensual reciprocation (non-sexual but includes kissing, holding hands, cuddling etc.). Many asexuals find erotic material arousing because of whats happening and not because of the people in it (which would be sexual attraction). Masturbatory habits do not reflect sexuality because if it did every straight person that watches gay porn (or vice versa) would be Bisexual. you've got me slightly bemused. Are you suggesting aromantics masturbate and enjoy it? Is this a strict rule? Huh? Aromantics, and Asexuals, can masturbate (the ones that don't are also called non-libidoists)... Aromantics just dont feel romantic attraction, and that's all to the orientation... Strict rule?? Other than the orientations sticking to their definitions with no assumptions, then no.. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Corretto Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 So there are other things you "don't need"? Is that what you meant by mentioning Aromantic? Do you not need verbal reciprocation or sensual reciprocation (non-sexual but includes kissing, holding hands, cuddling etc.). Many asexuals find erotic material arousing because of whats happening and not because of the people in it (which would be sexual attraction). Masturbatory habits do not reflect sexuality because if it did every straight person that watches gay porn (or vice versa) would be Bisexual. you've got me slightly bemused. Are you suggesting aromantics masturbate and enjoy it? Is this a strict rule? [Trigger...Warning] @Kam97...I can understand your 'slight bemusement'. There are no "strict rules" re the responses aro-ace bio-males take to arousal...should they experience it at all. Masturbation, for me, is a response to a form of discomfort [maybe an 'unease'] that is felt occasionally. I've never identified the exact source. It is certainly not triggered by hetero-normative forms of sexual arousal. For me it acts as a means to relieve this unease more than anything else. The 'enjoyment' factor you refer to is as much the relief as a positive 'kick' one can, very briefly achieve by ejaculating. Even though I've never experienced a shared sexual event, I've always presumed they share little in common with masturbation. Like many others who've described their experiences, I sense a positive stress release and a nap to follow. Equally, if I fail to 'climax' I sense a frustrating disappointment, bordering on a feeling of failure. I know I can't make an immediate further attempt...it would only provide an even weaker result. For me, a few days avoidance is required to feel up-to-it...again! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kam97 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 So there are other things you "don't need"? Is that what you meant by mentioning Aromantic? Do you not need verbal reciprocation or sensual reciprocation (non-sexual but includes kissing, holding hands, cuddling etc.). Many asexuals find erotic material arousing because of whats happening and not because of the people in it (which would be sexual attraction). Masturbatory habits do not reflect sexuality because if it did every straight person that watches gay porn (or vice versa) would be Bisexual. you've got me slightly bemused. Are you suggesting aromantics masturbate and enjoy it? Is this a strict rule? Huh? Aromantics, and Asexuals, can masturbate (the ones that don't are also called non-libidoists)... Aromantics just dont feel romantic attraction, and that's all to the orientation... Strict rule?? Other than the orientations sticking to their definitions with no assumptions, then no.. well u learn something new everyday :D thanks Quote Link to post Share on other sites
LittleEngine Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 Thank you all for your inputs! I am still going to do allot of re-search to see if I am asexual or not! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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