i don't even know, help

[TheArronaut]

This is kinda hard, because it's all mixed up with other things. I find being penetrated incredibly painful, and I find penises gross (y'all do know you piss out of those things, right?) I've always found men and women attractive, and formed crushes accordingly. But looking back, those crushes all seem.... like, I never imagined having sex with them. Like I would spend ludicrous amounts of time pining and whining in my tweens, and there have always been people I've found compelling, but when I thought to myself, 'i want him/her' it was more that I wanted some kind of claim on them than any desireto fuck them. I didn't figure out how to masturbate until I was around 22, and even now, it's not easy and occassionally incredibly disappointing. I want very much to be wanted in some capacity, but I'm not sure how. I really like reading m/m fanfic, even when it's explicit. I don't know. Help.

[artandceramics]

hey there, friend, and welcome to a safe place. You've come to the right site to discuss these things.

Sounds like you have a case of asexual, like a lot of others here. There are a lot of people who are sex-repulsed, and it's possible your body is showing the physical symptoms of something you don't yet fully understand; I personally had a very similar experience re: sex, and in my case, my body's refusal was definitely part of it all, and I should have paid more attention to it.

You're probably biromantic or panromantic, since you like both men and women. Sexual orientation and romantic orientation can definitely be different.

Your comfort with fics might likely stem from the way you differentiate between your own body and those of the characters.

[imgone]

Artandceramics pretty much covered it, but I just wanted to mention that your experience with masturbation and with erotic lit can be separate from your orientation. Lots of asexuals masturbate and/or read/watch porn, lots don't. Your "disappointing" experience with masturbation isn't necessarily a part of that either, so if that's something you want to keep working on and improving by all means don't give up (If by "disappointing" you mean didn't experience orgasm; this is common for a lot of people with vaginas, apparently it takes practice. Don't assume that being asexual means you'll never be able to reach orgasm.). If by disappointing though you mean it wasn't "all that," some people experience weaker orgasms, and some people experience normal orgasms but don't really get the hype. And some people (like myself!) are what we call in the asexual community "non-libidoist," which is to say I don't have much of a sex drive and 95% of the time find the act of masturbation itself very boring. Asexuals are just as varied as sexuals. If you feel like you've never experienced sexual attraction (which can be hard to figure out, I know) then you are asexual, regardless of whether or not you've had sex, read porn, find genitals icky, etc..

That said, it's fine to be confused and still figuring yourself out, and you're welcome in the community as long as you feel it helps you.