Jump to content

I have a high sex drive and am attracted to any/all genders, but have no interest in sex... am I asexual?


Recommended Posts

Ackles4life

I am a 24yr old female of mixed race, just recently turned 24 and I have recently started a relationship with a man. The very first relationship I've ever been in and only the 2nd man I've ever had sex with. Yes, I've had sex before. For a couple years now, I've been wondering and seriously considering that I may in fact be asexual.

For as long as I can remember I have been attracted and even felt feelings of arousal from any gender; male, female, gay, straight, from both men and women that you honestly couldn't tell what gender they are/were. Women with male genitalia and visa versa, cross-dressing, and the list goes on and on. I identify as pansexual, cause there's literally nothing I haven't been attracted to simply because of gender. And I do watch porn, well hentai to be exact. Real person porn does very little, if anything for me, so I watch hentai and cartoon porn, and as a female I actually watch/read/indulge in general, in porn, more then most guys I know. I also masterbate (pleasure myself) rather frequently. So I have a working if not high sex drive, and have on more then one instance become sexually aroused by another person and/or the act and thought of sex. But...

When it comes to having sex, or anything remotely intercourse related it's almost like an off-switch in my brain. Any feelings of arousal and/or intimacy, etc. turn completely off. What I'm saying is when it comes to actual sex with another human being, regardless of gender I have absolutely no interest. I have had sex with two different men and one woman, and the thought was arousing, even the lead up to sex was arousing, but the moment of kissing or touching and especially intercourse there was just nothing there for me. When my boyfriend is kissing me and touching me, I can feel it and my body responds of course, but my body is barely there at best, and my mind isn't in it. I lose all interest and motivation. I have never experienced an orgasm by or with someone else. I have never experienced even close to an orgasm through oral stimulation or intercourse. I know it's wrong and i'm not doing anyone any favors, but when I have sex with my boyfriend I put on a show, because when I try to relax and just feel. I try to just let go, clear my mind and experience (is the advice I've gotten), I feel even less. So I put on a show to make his sexual experience the best I can offer and pretend it's just as good for me. Because what else can I do. Same thing happened with the last man I was with, and with the woman I was with. I was attracted and even sexually attracted to them, but when it came to the physical act of said attraction, everything just shuts down and I feel nothing. I'm actually happiest with my boyfriend, when we're not having sex. When we're just enjoying each others company, being two people who clearly adore each other and have fun being with each other.

--> Now here's the real kicker, which is why I'm still so confused about it. Is when I'm with my boyfriend, I can become so sexually aroused by him, even just being near me that all I can think about is sex and/or having sex with him. But then we start and nothing. That's why I say like a switch, because it's literally as fast and sudden as walking into a lit room and switching the light off. And it's nothing he's doing, or not doing, it's just me...

Now, I've only been with my boyfriend for going on about 5months now, but we've been in a sexual relationship for the better part of 3, and I fear that if I try to explain to him that I may be asexual now, i'll lose him. There's just no way he won't take it personally. But the thing is I know it's not him. I just don't know if i'm actually asexual, or is it something more.

Disclaimer: I was never touched or abused as a child, I've been this way for as long as I can remember.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ackles4life

Follow-up from Poster --

Is it possible that I'm gray-asexual? Literally just found out what that term even means within the last 5mins, from this site...

Link to post
Share on other sites

Follow-up from Poster --

Is it possible that I'm gray-asexual? Literally just found out what that term even means within the last 5mins, from this sight...

It's possible. I mean I've always thought of 'sexual attraction' as a desire for partnered s*x though I could be wrong.

But the definition for gray-ace is: A person who experiences sexual attraction rarely, only under specific circumstances or not strongly enough to act on it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ackles4life

Follow-up from Poster --

Is it possible that I'm gray-asexual? Literally just found out what that term even means within the last 5mins, from this sight...

It's possible. I mean I've always thought of 'sexual attraction' as a desire for partnered s*x though I could be wrong.

But the definition for gray-ace is: A person who experiences sexual attraction rarely, only under specific circumstances or not strongly enough to act on it.

That's it, almost exactly. I feel attraction and sexual attraction, even sexual arousal. But it's never enough to act on it, with someone else. Which when I do, is why I feel like I'm feeling nothing, because the attraction wasn't enough to sustain sexual arousal... maybe.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well first and foremost I would definitely recommend research into the other kinds of attractions, such as aesthetic, sensual, and romantic. A simplified overview: aesthetic is liking how someone looks, sensual is wanting to engage in (usually tactile) sensual intimacy with someone, like cuddling and hand holding, and romantic attraction is wanting to be romantically involved with someone. Notice how there are nonsexual kinds of physical attraction. Perhaps you are panromantic?

Anyway, I can't speak for sexual attraction because I don't really know what that feels like, I can only really go on the AVEN definition and what my friends have described to me of their experiences, haha. My experience might not be that useful to you, as I have a very low sex drive. If you can feel something switch "off" in your head, well, I'm "off" most of the time. During sex and throughout everyday life.

What you are describing does sound a lot like sexual attraction to me based on what I've heard from others, though. You look at people and their appearances/whatever you find attractive makes you want to have sex with them. It just goes away, preventing you from actually enjoying sex.

Now, I don't suggest this lightly, but you might want to discuss this with a doctor. There isn't necessarily anything wrong, but it sounds like this is causing you some distress. On top of that, if it IS distressing you, it is better to make sure 100% there isn't anything you can do before deciding you are asexual and there is nothing you can do about it and giving up. That is completely up to you.

There are also certain things about sex itself that can turn people off. If you are repulsed by the odors and fluids that come with sex, or feeling self-conscious, or just distracted by anything, it can cause you to lose your arousal.

No one can tell you what you are or are not, that is for you to decide. Personally, I do not think you are asexual. Gray-a I honestly don't know much about and can't speak for.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You might be a lithsexual panromantic.

A lithsexual (aka akoisexual) person experiences sexual attraction but does not desire to actually act upon it. Lithsexuality is on the asexual spectrum.

Asexuality is comprised of two different things that most people don't realize are separate: a) sexual interest in real, specific people (attraction) and b) sexual interest in real, specific activities (desire). Someone is on the asexual spectrum if they feel at least one of these things rarely or not at all, because in the end they're not going to want partnered sex. So someone who experiences attraction (for instance being aroused by others) but not desire (actually wanting to follow through with sexual activity) would be asexual, specifically lithsexual. (Conversely, someone who feels desire but not attraction would be cupiosexual).

These are real orientations, and I've seen lots of liths (and cupios) on this site. Though it can be confusing because nobody teaches us about this stuff, it's really completely natural to experience attraction and desire differently and you would not be the only one.

Of course, I wouldn't presume to label you. I may be wrong and certainly you know more about yourself than I do. I just hope that helped a bit.

Now, I don't suggest this lightly, but you might want to discuss this with a doctor. There isn't necessarily anything wrong, but it sounds like this is causing you some distress. On top of that, if it IS distressing you, it is better to make sure 100% there isn't anything you can do before deciding you are asexual and there is nothing you can do about it and giving up. That is completely up to you.

I appreciate that brotatofarm is trying to help and she is being very respectful, but I disagree with this advice. I don't think a doctor would be helpful or necessary. Your sexuality seems perfectly fine to me, especially since you say you have always been this way, and I suspect the many lithsexual aces on this site would concur.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It seems to me that you are busy putting on a performance instead of being in the moment and letting your body react and respond. That's maybe why it's become mechanical and you're just servicing your partner. Your actions shouldn't be a checklist, but natural responses.

It's like playing the piano. I can read the music and play the song, but it's when I listen to the melody and let the music sweep me away, I stop being a piano player and become a musician.

As to your question, no I don't believe you're Asexual.

Link to post
Share on other sites

@Archon:

Very interesting! I knew about the difference between sexual attraction and desire, but I'd never really thought about lack of desire as also being asexual. Have actually considered identifying as a non-libidoist demicupiosexual, but it's a little too esoteric for me, not to mention a mouthful haha. The first thing that came to mind when I read this was "huh, is there a sexual equivalent of lithromantic?" I looked up lithsexual and didn't find much, though. Good to know it's an actual thing!

As for the suggestion to see a doctor, like you said I meant no disrespect. I mostly said that out of ignorance, but as someone who somewhat understands *wanting* to be able to enjoy sexuality with a partner (for whatever reason) but being physically incapable of it (for whatever reason), I should have been a little more sensitive. Even though I'm pretty much the opposite of OP, I know the suggestion that I should see a doctor because my head says one thing and my body says, "nope not attracted to anyone not going to get aroused hardly ever not going to physically crave sex" would kind of bother me. Even though it causes me occasional distress, it's just who I've always been,

Anyway, if I may make another suggestion for the OP though: Talk to your partner. Stop faking it. There's no way that ever ends well, for anyone. I'm sure he'd rather know.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ackles4life

It seems to me that you are busy putting on a performance instead of being in the moment and letting your body react and respond. That's maybe why it's become mechanical and you're just servicing your partner. Your actions shouldn't be a checklist, but natural responses.

Amoeba, I really appreciate that you're trying to help and I thank you for your response. But, one of the things I made sure to say in my post is that when I do try to just relax and feel, when I don't put on any show or try be anything I'm not, try to feel anything I don't, I feel absolutely nothing. I basically put on a show and fake and pretend not only for my partner, but also for myself. Because when I pretend I do find that I get something from it, as little as it is I've been able to pretty much trick my body into thinking it's interested and experience a little something. My point is, my "natural response" is absolutely nothing. My mind doesn't respond, my body doesn't respond, my emotions are pretty much the only thing that respond and I feel sad, frustrated, angry, etc. that I can't just be normal. I feel so desperate to be part of something so personal and intimate with someone that I care about that it's either pretend or lay there and cry, because I can't feel anything for it. So I pretend. And I am finally at a point in my life where I can't anymore.

Believe me when I say you are not the first person to say, or at least imply that it's possible I have no interest because I'm simply not doing it right. I've tried and tried and tried again. There's no 'right way' for me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ackles4life

Original Poster here ^_^

This is the first time I've actually been on a Forum/blog type site before and I'm amazed that so many people have responded just trying to help. So far I've come to the comfortable conclusion of Panromantic grey-asexual, because from reading up on it fits what I feel almost to a T.

I am also pleased to say that I have come clean to the man I care about. I had to force myself to do it, and ended up getting myself so worked up emotionally that I became physically sick, and couldn't stop crying for literal hours this morning. But then was able to cry myself to sleep, and when I woke up I mustered up whatever courage I have and did it.

He was confused at first, immediately thought that I was saying I was no longer attracted to him. Then angry, then confused again, said he was completely "blind sited" by it and basically felt like I was making the decision not to sleep with him and that I didn't care what he thought or felt. I had to convince him that what he felt and thought meant the world to me, and he had to leave and think about it, he said 'process' it. Luckily for me I had cried myself out this morning and was able to go at this with a much leveler head/emotional state. But yup, he finally came back to me and basically was saying that he thought I was wanting to just be friends. Then he got the idea in his head that I was implying he should just keep his sexual needs bottled up and to himself... Because to him, in his mind romance, attraction, intimacy and sex are all one in the same. And he couldn't see how one can have a romantic relationship without sex. But after everything he says he does feel deceived and misled, to which I completely understand, but that he wants me to be in his life and he's willing to try.

And I cannot describe how happy I am that even with all this and feeling the way he does about it, he's still willing to try. That he still wants me at all. But I am sadly here to admit that my instincts are telling me this won't work. Something is already different between us, and as I was afraid of, I know no matter what I say or have said he's taking this personally. I know in my heart, that he still doesn't fully understand what it means... At this point, even though it's good news I feel like I'm just trying to keep my head above water. I'm keeping myself laughing and smiling, just to keep from crying.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Imo the sexual attraction definition is a crock of shit, and no desire for partnered sex is what actually describes people on this site. A number of self-identifying asexuals are like you in that they experience sexual arousal, and it's pretty much a unanimous opinion that getting turned on does not disqualify one from being asexual. I wouldn't even consider you grey-A, I'd consider you just plain old asexual.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ackles4life, what I was trying to say, and messed it up considerably, is that you are feeling the need to put on an act for him, and you shouldn't have to do that. It comes through plain as day in your post that you are going to great lengths to keep him sexually fulfilled, and it's making you miserable.

As an Asexual, I may be out of my depth here, but I've always understood that sexual interaction between two people should flow naturally. From your post, it seemed to me that you do have sexual attraction for others and do want sex, but when it's time for that to happen, you refer to the checklist to make sure you're everything you think they expect and it ruins it for you.

Then again, what do I know?

By the way, my name is Cheerful. Pleasure to meet you and welcome to the forum. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
lobsterapples

Hi Ackles4life I literally asked a very similar definition question last night on this forum. My experience seems VERY similar to yours and its pretty crazy we posted only a day apart. I know exactly what you mean with 'the switch'!

While talking or being with peoples I am attracted to I think quite a bit about sex/intimate and sensual situations... Sex seems like a great idea in my mind. But once I actually near the act my mind goes somewhere else and find it really hard to meaningfully engage. I usually end up doing as little as possible despite enjoying pleasing my partner(s).

And Cheerful I see where you're coming from and for the longest time I thought that was the reason for my experience, but now that I know others have the same reaction it's probably not going to change much with a few deep breaths and relaxation techniques. You said "sexual interaction between two people should flow naturally" and thats really true but for me (and possible Ackles4life) it doesn't and that's why I'm unsatisfied with sex.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ackles4life

Ackles4life, what I was trying to say, and messed it up considerably, is that you are feeling the need to put on an act for him, and you shouldn't have to do that. It comes through plain as day in your post that you are going to great lengths to keep him sexually fulfilled, and it's making you miserable.

As an Asexual, I may be out of my depth here, but I've always understood that sexual interaction between two people should flow naturally. From your post, it seemed to me that you do have sexual attraction for others and do want sex, but when it's time for that to happen, you refer to the checklist to make sure you're everything you think they expect and it ruins it for you.

Hello Cheerful :) Happy to meet you, even if it is just through a fairly anonymous computer screen/site, and thank you for the welcome ^__^

I do completely understand what you're saying, and I do agree with you that that is a very real possibility for some people out there. I mean for the longest time I thought I might not be enjoying sex simply because I was so insecure about my body and couldn't get out of my head enough to actually enjoy sex. So believe me when I say I know you're trying to help and I absolutely appreciate your input. The thing for me though, is that I don't go into sex with said 'checklist' (I like that you called it that, cause it's definitely accurate), more then once I've gone into sex more then willing to try, more then willing to experience. I start the checklist, and/or the act or show, only after I realize that nothings happening for me. Any feelings of what little want/desire there was is gone, any and all interest is completely gone. I try to let what should "flow naturally" because I've never gotten into bed with someone I haven't deeply cared about, but nothing flows from me (no pun intended) when it comes to sex. So there is a point where I have no choice but to either lay there, very much like a dead fish, for lack of a better comparison or term. And risk completely hurting the person i'm with... or put on an act so that at least I'll know that person I care about is getting exactly what they want/need from it.

Luckily for me, my mind, body and emotional has had enough with the faking the pretending and I completely opened up to the man I'm currently seeing and referring to. Turns out that I was wrong about him wanting to 'try' he doesn't see how he can be in a relationship without sex. So it's basically attempt friendship or nothing. And I've gotten to a point where I think I'm okay with that. I personally can't be friends with someone I've shared so much with, someone I care about so much... but on the brighter side, the next person I meet, I know what I'll be able to tell them. I'll know exactly what I'll have to offer them and what I don't, and if they still find me worth keeping, then... well I don't, but I guess I'm looking at a brand new horizon in my world. And there's no need to be afraid of it anymore.

P.S... Don't undermine what you know, because you've been very insightful and engaging x)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...