Forever alone!

[minimcwitch]

Okay, this may turn into a bit of a miserable rant. So here goes.

I have never had a "date" or any kind of relationship in my life. I'm too introverted to speak to anyone, but even if I do, I never get anything out of conversations other than friendship. I've attempted to speak to people on social networks like this, asexualitic and acebook but I never get any luck because I tend to assume that the people I'm speaking to want the same as I do, when in actual fact they're just talking and it means nothing at all! All I really really want right now is to talk to someone who actually wants the same as I do and is interested to talk to me. I keep feeling down because all I want is a relationship with someone or at least someone to see regularly and have them there to talk to when I feel down or lonely. But because no one ever seems interested in me in that sense, I never have any luck. Starting to think nothing will ever happen!! I've even been really tempted to join dating sites lately, but that problem is I'll probably go through the same thing where no one wants the same things that I do, plus I'm quite secretive so I wouldn't want any friends or family to know that I'm on some kind of dating site. So basically, all I have is to feel down all the time and I don't want to feel like it anymore.

Anyone feel the same or got any advice??

[Guest]

What do you like doing for fun? Maybe a book club? A library so many options.. Post a thread on something you like doing or watching or listening to.. People who have that in common will come out of the woods.

[AlwaysBeKorra]

Don't worry, you're not alone! I feel the same way! ;-)

[Hobbes!]

Oh, you're not alone by a long way. Your face is rather familiar, I think I might have said hi way back when you joined

[SecretLibrary]

I like Calicottonball's advice, because it puts the focus on meeting people who share the same interests as you. That gives you something to talk about, at least, which might make you feel less uncomfortable.

[SorryNotSorry]

Okay, this may turn into a bit of a miserable rant. So here goes.

I have never had a "date" or any kind of relationship in my life. I'm too introverted to speak to anyone, but even if I do, I never get anything out of conversations other than friendship. I've attempted to speak to people on social networks like this, asexualitic and acebook but I never get any luck because I tend to assume that the people I'm speaking to want the same as I do, when in actual fact they're just talking and it means nothing at all! All I really really want right now is to talk to someone who actually wants the same as I do and is interested to talk to me. I keep feeling down because all I want is a relationship with someone or at least someone to see regularly and have them there to talk to when I feel down or lonely. But because no one ever seems interested in me in that sense, I never have any luck. Starting to think nothing will ever happen!! I've even been really tempted to join dating sites lately, but that problem is I'll probably go through the same thing where no one wants the same things that I do, plus I'm quite secretive so I wouldn't want any friends or family to know that I'm on some kind of dating site. So basically, all I have is to feel down all the time and I don't want to feel like it anymore.

Anyone feel the same or got any advice??

First, take some time to decide what you want in a relationship and a partner. Many people who take the time to do this, decide that they really don't want a relationship after all.

Second, put yourself out there, but be careful... if you join mainstream OLDSs, be prepared to get bombarded with hundreds of messages from men who want sex and want it NOW. Barring that, your only other option that will slant the field in your favor is to look for groups on meetup.com that specialize in singles/dating AND in something else that interests you (athletics, crafts, literature, etc).

[satoshi95]

I like Calicottonball's advice too, finding people with the same interests as you is bound to make you feel more confident in talking to people :) Sometimes, especially with asexuals I expect, friendships can blossom into something more, so just because you've made friends with someone and it's definitely a friendship doesn't mean it won't grow into something more if you really like them and keep at it! It's not like when sexual people meet and have chat up lines and flirt and it's all related to sex, like an asexual might talk to you as a friend because they're not sexually attracted to you - doesn't mean there's nothing romantic there.

Anyway, just keep talking to people on here or other sites, meet as many new people as possible, put yourself out there - that'll greatly increase your chances of finding someone compatible! If you ever need to talk about your loneliness, feel free to PM me - I know what it's like :)

[Schrecken]

As some others said, I wouldn't rush into making it a point of trying to find a romantic partner right away (as sometimes the thing you are desperately looking for will become even harder to find) but rather just look to find friends and even just people who share common interests. I've met people as friends from going to my roller coaster clubs and just having someone to hang around with, even for a day or so, goes far to curb loneliness. Also met my current (and first and only so far) boyfriend at a gathering where people have a common interest (in this case, BDSM and kink). I wasn't looking to date anyone but it just happened.

And yes, be careful wherever you go, as there are those who would take advantage of others (much more so in a dating specific site or activity) and the more naive you are (meaning having little or no experience, but that will become less a factor the older you get and the more life experience you have) the easier it is to fall for them.

[RobAceT]

I know how you feel; you could say I’m in the same situation. However you are not alone, if you try to get more involved in hobbies or interests then it’s a great way to meet new people. Some of them will most likely be introvert but you will have a something in common to talk about. Don't rush into things; find out what you want in life first. You will find a relationship that works eventually, have hope :-)

[daveb]

I feel much the same way. I'm very shy and awkward, and also introverted so I do need time alone. The trouble with my interests is finding groups for it and then finding an asexual woman in one of those groups! :lol:

Judging by your avatar I would say you are very cute with a pleasant smile, so I would think that would help in attracting someone (but what do I know? I'm not good with people. I was nearly 50 years old before I ever had a relationship that lasted more than 2 or 3 dates. And before that relationship I had very few dates even. Since then I haven't had any, because I discovered asexuality shortly after that 1 long term relationship ended.).

[Hobbes!]

Judging by your avatar I would say you are very cute with a pleasant smile, so I would think that would help in attracting someone (but what do I know? I'm not good with people. I was nearly 50 years old before I ever had a relationship that lasted more than 2 or 3 dates. And before that relationship I had very few dates even. Since then I haven't had any, because I discovered asexuality shortly after that 1 long term relationship ended.).

Oh, now I know where I remember you from, mimic! See! I told you when you joined that you're cute as a button, second opinion right there

[NoLongerWanted]

Definitely feel the same as you! I'm a pretty introverted guy, have anxiety, and have interests that I find most people here (in California) don't have. Have only had one romantic partner and it didn't go off so well :/ I have honestly given up on traditional dating because it just doesn't suit my style and I don't expect to find my type of girl in situations that most do. The only place I find I meet people that I click with are in music/drama, sciences or technology based groups, or things like hiking and exploring nature. I haven't really been able to plug into these groups though as I am pretty busy with work and school, so it has become very frustrating to the point that I don't see it as worth pursuing. Instead I try not to focus on it and instead focus on improving and finding a place for myself. Slowly moving toward surround myself with people like me, and accomplishing/sharing my dreams. I have found that this really helps me find the people with the same interests as well as recognizing the people who don't. Wish you best of luck with finding someone! Know that you aren't alone in your feeling, it just may take more time for people like us to find that special someone. We may also have to take alternative methods to dating and relationships which as long as you play it safe is no problem. I would say these forums are generally safe, and anyone who would cause trouble is usually weeded out. I agree with someone else's recommendation to make a post about yourself and what you enjoy. Then the people like you come to you usually haha. May not lead to anything serious, but it will definitely help you to feel re-assured and re-energized in your season of singleness.

[Tarfeather]

I've even been really tempted to join dating sites lately, but that problem is I'll probably go through the same thing where no one wants the same things that I do

... and what do you want? It sort of sounds like you're expecting magic to happen and make your life better. But for the most part, that's actually your own responsibility. Sure, having great people in your life helps. But finding yourself, building confidence and all that, is something you need to do yourself.

[Mike D]

Anyone feel the same or got any advice??

All you can do is get out there and meet people and see what spins out of it. Based on your message, it sounds like you'd be OK just with a best friend you can turn to, someone who can be there with a hug and cup of hot cocoa when you need it, and that can only happen if you're out there getting to know people. Whether love or true friendship (and to me they're the same thing), it has to happen organically and it can't be hurried. I think getting to know people, even if they don't turn out to be your BFF or new partner, is rewarding in and of itself.

[Philip027]

Oh, now I know where I remember you from, mimic! See! I told you when you joined that you're cute as a button, second opinion right there

I remember seeing that post... I also remember agreeing!

Best I can say is to keep trying, and also, try not to look for relationships specifically. Friendships can easily be a stepping stone toward other things.

[uRBAN_Spaceman]

I am pretty sure its safe to say almost everybody here has had that feeling of endless solitude. Its a very heavy doubt to carry around and sometimes you feel like its crushing you. Its been about 10 years that I've been in and out of that state of mentality. The last relationship I entered was somewhat spontaneous and felt a little rushed so naturally it failed when I didn't want to be as physical as she wanted to be in the relationship to the point it ended on a very bad and sour note. If I were to give you any advice it would be to not lose you patience or feel like some "clock" is ticking away. You have all the time in the world to figure out what you want/need to be happy. Rushing into a relationship just to fill that void like I did will probably end up just as poorly as mine did but I can't say that for sure. I don't want to scare you away from trying something you have interest in but I would at least say use caution and always trust your own judgement. Best of luck! You aren't alone in how you feel.

[Nasher21]

I struggle with those feelings too; I'm very shy and introverted, and despite really wanting to join clubs or groups to meet new people, I'm terrified of doing it! I just came out of a pretty close relationship with someone who I talked to almost all the time, so having that closeness taken away has been hard to deal with - I often miss having someone to talk to about anything and everything, so lonliness is a pretty big deal right now.

But, I've always said I'll be a friend to anyone who wants friendship, so anyone who wants a chat or a friendly word, feel free to message me - I'm on and off here often, so you should get a reply fairly quickly!

[Tarfeather]

If I were to give you any advice it would be to not lose you patience or feel like some "clock" is ticking away. You have all the time in the world to figure out what you want/need to be happy.

Tick, tock goes the bio-clock. Truth is, there's a fair chance one will never find a suitable partner in their (IMO short) life span. It's unfortunately something we need to accept. Before finding my current partner, I basically told myself "Yeah there's a fair chance I'll die alone and unloved, and that's fine". That was the only way for me to stay sane and go into my current relationship with a generally positive and humble outlook, rather than with heavy expectations which would certainly have led to disaster.

[minimcwitch]

Wow, I definitely didn't except as much of a reaction as this!

After reading all of these comments and rereading my post, I feel a bit silly for posting it haha... I get anxiety and depression sometimes so a couple of days ago I was on such a downer. Now I'm happy and jolly again, and sometimes I wish I would just keep my thoughts to myself!!

However, thank you SO much for listening and commenting with advice. I know that next time I'm on a downer again, I can come back here and know that everyone is always here.

Love this community we've got here! <3

[Ragman]

I really could have typed out what you have word for word

1.I have never had a "date" or any kind of relationship in my life.

Same. 32 years old and never had a 'other half'


2.I'm too introverted to speak to anyone, but even if I do, I never get anything out of conversations other than friendship.

I really struggle with people. Im actually quite good at small talk but once I become embroiled in a genuine conversation with someone I barely know I start feeling really anxious.

3.I've attempted to speak to people on social networks like this, asexualitic and acebook but I never get any luck because I tend to assume that the people I'm speaking to want the same as I do, when in actual fact they're just talking and it means nothing at all!

Just signed up for these sites in a fit of desperation!


4.All I really really want right now is to talk to someone who actually wants the same as I do and is interested to talk to me. I keep feeling down because all I want is a relationship with someone or at least someone to see regularly and have them there to talk to when I feel down or lonely. But because no one ever seems interested in me in that sense, I never have any luck.

This is the hardest part. I invest quite a lot of emotional time into the few people that I like and never get it back. The fact that I'm not the most important person in the persons life I am talking to when they are the most important in mine is really, really hard when you are being ignored because they are with their 'one'

5. Starting to think nothing will ever happen!! I've even been really tempted to join dating sites lately, but that problem is I'll probably go through the same thing

So have I but I think it would actually make things worse for my mindset



Im in a bad place at the moment as i've just pretty much been dropped by someone I really like. I'm down but defiant too .Nobody makes you the person you are. People can only add to your life . You don't change whether you have someone to come home to every night or whether you come home to nobody. You are still you and no matter how many people tell you they "Love you" it will be nothing in comparison to truly loving and accepting yourself .

[Zii]

Ugh same.

I really don't want to die alone, but at the same time I can't approach people.

1. Because I'm Asexual, and the'res a 99.6% chance that they are not

2. Because I can't even stand the thought of kissing or cuddling.

3. I'm also transgender



Forever alone...

[Xeres]

same here. I also signed in to several dating sites all in a rush to be honest because I felt so ... abnormal not ever having even kissed or held hands at the age of 22, but then after the first few chats with interested men, I just stopped checking in on these sites because to be honest, I don't even want a boyfriend. I just don't want to feel so different and left out all the time! And my mum is also always saying things like "isn't it time that you find a boyfriend?" and crap like that, like I actually need the kind of pressure on top of everything else!

It pissed me off so badly, but I don't even know if I do want a boyfriend, like ever! But maybe I do? If ever I would want to be with someone then we would have to be friends first, I think ... but I don't know. That's the worst part for me, to be so confused about waht I want :(

[Tarfeather]

This is the hardest part. I invest quite a lot of emotional time into the few people that I like and never get it back.

I know what that feels like, unfortunately we can't turn off our desire for closeness just because there's nobody around worth investing time into.

The fact that I'm not the most important person in the persons life I am talking to when they are the most important in mine is really, really hard when you are being ignored because they are with their 'one'

Ew, I know that too. It's a terrible way to treat friends, really. :/

It pissed me off so badly, but I don't even know if I do want a boyfriend, like ever! But maybe I do?

A relationship isn't really something one would desire in general.. You'd desire it with a particular person, and if there's no such person in your life, that's okay.

[Mikasa]

same here. I also signed in to several dating sites all in a rush to be honest because I felt so ... abnormal not ever having even kissed or held hands at the age of 22, but then after the first few chats with interested men, I just stopped checking in on these sites because to be honest, I don't even want a boyfriend. I just don't want to feel so different and left out all the time! And my mum is also always saying things like "isn't it time that you find a boyfriend?" and crap like that, like I actually need the kind of pressure on top of everything else!

It pissed me off so badly, but I don't even know if I do want a boyfriend, like ever! But maybe I do? If ever I would want to be with someone then we would have to be friends first, I think ... but I don't know. That's the worst part for me, to be so confused about waht I want :(

Ah yeah, I feel the same way. I joined OkCupid (and Tinder, but Tinder is way too superficial imo) because I'm also tired of feeling different and left out. Everyone around me has had at least one serious romantic relationship, some of my friends are even living with their significant others and there is a wedding coming up this summer. I've had one terrible kiss and a few failed dates... But like you said, I'm not even sure what I want. I occasionally have some nice conversations with people on OkCupid, but I'm never really interested in the people I talk to. It all kinda feels like a waste of time, maybe I should just delete my account.

[Xeres]

It also feels like a waste of time to me. I always used to get so many messages from guys and either it just went like "Oh hey, you're cute/hot/pretty" or it just went on and on about mundane things like what we did that day and what our favourite hobbies are and so on. I don't know, maybe that kind of small talk is normal when you try to date someone, but to me it's just all so very pointless. I always reply and reply because I'm too polite to tell them that I'm not interested, but I have not the slightest interest in them and their life. Never. It's so weird. Even if I think some of them are cute, I just can't be bothered to care. Maybe I'm just not a people person :( but in other situations, I really do care. Like I worked in a hospital for a while and I really enjoyed taking care of the patients and I felt so bad for some of them for their pain, that it even made me cry. And yet, if my best friends tell me something sad about their life I'm just like ... "yeah ... that's sad...." though I feel more exhausted than empathic. Maybe that is the reason why I can't fall in love? The worst part for me, is to feel like an alien when all your friends talk about how much they need sex, or a boyfriend, or how horrid it is that they have been single for a few years.

[Mikasa]

Exactly! Sometimes I also think I'm just not a people person, but then my friends are like 'nah, you just have to be patient, you'll definitely meet someone interesting someday!' Yeah right, easy for them to say when they don't seem to have any trouble falling in love. I've kinda given up on love to be honest. Just gonna live my life and do the things that make me happy. If I'll ever happen to meet someone special, great, if not... Oh well.

[Tarfeather]

And yet, if my best friends tell me something sad about their life I'm just like ... "yeah ... that's sad...." though I feel more exhausted than empathic.

... Are those really your friends?

[Xeres]

And yet, if my best friends tell me something sad about their life I'm just like ... "yeah ... that's sad...." though I feel more exhausted than empathic.

... Are those really your friends?

I would call them that, yes. At least they are the closest that it ever got with me. As I said, I am not a very sociable person, I don't like spending much time with other people, even if I like them. And I definitely don't "open my heart" to them. I don't even do that to my family. It's just not what I feel comfortable with. And I do care for my friends and enjoy spending time with them more than with other people because they have similar hobbies, interests and so on, but I just have problems feeling empathic sometimes. That's all. I find it much easier to feel empathy for strangers than for people I know. Like when my great-grandmother died, I didn't feel sad or anything. It was a little shock when I heard it, but then I just accepted it and moved on. I sometimes feel bad for that myself, because I really cared for her, but I can't change the way I am. For example, if my favourite actor/musician would die, I would cry for hours and be completely heartbroken about it. it's weird, I know. *shrugs*

[SorryNotSorry]

The ones I have no patience with are the indecisive ones who say "I'm so lonely" but then in the same breath they say "but my social anxiety prevents me from making any efforts to mingle". Rock, hard place...

[Zephyr Aspara]

If you feel more empathy for strangers than those you know, wouldn't they feel it on some level? If those who provide you with affection and support do not receive them from you, isn't that rather unfair?

Of course, your friends may be superficial and narcissistic. You may only hang around them because you are wary of connections and the possibility of being hurt through love - love gives us vulnerabilities if you think of life that way -- and find their company easier.

And why would you want to love someone and be with them if, by your definition, you would feel more empathy to Coldplay members than that person? Wouldn't you be happier, unmolested and free of strain, to go on by yourself, since Coldplay can never deny you your devotion and peace in them, since they'll most likely never even know you are there?

I am not saying any of the above is true or justified, since I don't know you. But I am genuinely curious. I would say your sexuality is completely muffled by your emotional state, and until you clear that up you won't know who you are sexually. I may be completely an ass, in which case count me that and don't let me offend you. Thank you for posting and best luck.