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Hi I am a newbie


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I am so pleased to find this site as this is the first time I have met anyone like myself (or anyone who has ever told me they are asexual).

I am female and 54 and never been married or lived with a man. I am attracted to men not woman but never want a physical relationship but do want the affection of a man. I have tried on a few occasions to have a physical relationship but I have no interest in sex and my desire always fades when faced with it. I am fed up with failure and any bf I have ever had has left me over the sexual issue.

I am pretty sure I am asexual - does this seem likely to others please?

I know this is a very big question but how the hell do I live in a sexual world where many people think I am gay when I am not. I am not attracted to me or women in that way. I get a lot of grief from people who call me names.

I always seem to attract men who are primarily after a sexual relationship and I have virtually given up now.

Has anyone got any advice for me please?

Thank you.

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I reread my post and just realised it could be misinterpreted as homophobic - it isn't meant to be, but because many men think I am gay I get lots of horrible comments from them as people where I live are very reactionary. I often wish I was gay coz then I would maybe be able to have a physical relationship and that to me is much better than being asexual which most people don't understand.

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It sounds like you are A-Sexual. Be proud! I came out when I was 13. My advice is to make new friends on this community and vent vent vent. Don't let haters get to you. Being Asexual is easer than the daily homophobia and prejudice gay people receive. We're the different side of the LGBT community, and I like it that way :)

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Hello, and welcome to AVEN!!! :cake: :cake:

I don't really think your first post came off as homophobic, because I experienced similar things myself. For me, I'm not worried that people think I'm gay because being gay is bad, I hate being thought of as gay because it's just not who I am. It's so uncomfortable to be placed into an identity you don't really for into, no matter what that identity is.

Anyway, from what you've written, it sounds like you could be ace, bit that's really for you to decide. But it's perfectly okay to be attracted to men without wanting a physical relationship with them! Just because the majority of the world experiences sexual attraction doesn't mean that everyone does, and there's a whole community of people here who can relate to your story. I hope you are able to find some comfort and acceptance here, and that you enjoy being a member here. :)

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WünderBâhr

I'm really sorry to hear that you've received such poor treatment from others, hypercat. I am sure that many within the community have had similar experiences, so you are certainly not alone. It seems unfathomable that someone would go to those lengths to judge another person based on something that happens in their private life (and incorrectly assuming, at that), but it does happen.

Is there anyone in your life whom you feel comfortable with to talk to about how you are feeling? There is AVEN, but sometimes it helps having someone more familiar with your life whom you can turn to.

I know there are others who feel it would be better if they weren't asexual, and perhaps they might see your thread and offer support/perspective that I, unfortunately, cannot. I felt lonely and out of place for awhile, but I came to realize that I am still a pretty awesome person, regardless of what does or does not happen in the bedroom. I needed to be okay with myself and know there was nothing wrong with me, and that took time and patience.

Welcome to the community. I hope you are able to find some answers and support, here, as well. :cake:

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Welcome to AVEN! Unfortunately, I cannot say anything different from what all of these wonderful people have. I hope to see you around! :cake:

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Thank you very much for the great welcome folks even if it did take me a while to navigate round the site until I found my post and the replies....

I have no one to talk to about this in real time and I feel like you PST in that I hate being thought of as something I am not. I have no idea how to deal with it as those who give me a hard time would find it equally distasteful (or an opportunity to mock me) to know about my asexuality. And it is not their business anyway is it?

I know I get totally hacked off living in a couples and sexual world and think I must be lacking something. Is it partially hereditary does any one know? I ask because I think my father was and 2 of my sisters as well as me.

I am me but unless I am a sexual being I don't fit in anywhere. I feel very lonely. x

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Thank you very much for the great welcome folks even if it did take me a while to navigate round the site until I found my post and the replies....

I have no one to talk to about this in real time and I feel like you PST in that I hate being thought of as something I am not. I have no idea how to deal with it as those who give me a hard time would find it equally distasteful (or an opportunity to mock me) to know about my asexuality. And it is not their business anyway is it?

I know I get totally hacked off living in a couples and sexual world and think I must be lacking something. Is it partially hereditary does any one know? I ask because I think my father was and 2 of my sisters as well as me.

I am me but unless I am a sexual being I don't fit in anywhere. I feel very lonely. x

Ps What is 'Ace' please? I don't know any terminology yet

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HI Hypercat, and welcome :cake::cake:

We'd be similar in age, and I understand how confusing it can be to live in a sexual world, when you can't relate to the experiences of others about you. Sadly, I can't offer any thoughts on people name-calling, apart from to suggest that perhaps you shouldn't frame your lack of success in relationships as 'failure'.

In some ways, it's trickier for older asexuals, since there weren't the information resources available when we were learning about ourselves, that there are today. Hopefully you'll find friends and support here.

'Ace' is shorthand for asexual, so people who identify that way will often refer to themselves, or others as 'ace'. I'm not clear whether people who place themselves at other points on the spectrum of asexuality also use it, but I'm confident somebody else will be able to clarify :)

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HI Hypercat, and welcome :cake::cake:

We'd be similar in age, and I understand how confusing it can be to live in a sexual world, when you can't relate to the experiences of others about you. Sadly, I can't offer any thoughts on people name-calling, apart from to suggest that perhaps you shouldn't frame your lack of success in relationships as 'failure'.

In some ways, it's trickier for older asexuals, since there weren't the information resources available when we were learning about ourselves, that there are today. Hopefully you'll find friends and support here.

'Ace' is shorthand for asexual, so people who identify that way will often refer to themselves, or others as 'ace'. I'm not clear whether people who place themselves at other points on the spectrum of asexuality also use it, but I'm confident somebody else will be able to clarify :)

Thank you very much for your reply. I wish I had known about this years ago. I find it very hard not to think of myself as a failure in the relationship department because that's how family and friends have always treated me as. I understand what you are saying though and I hope through this great site and education I can change the way I feel and am able to tell people the truth. It's a generation thing I think and I envy the youngsters approach to it and their and their loved ones acceptance of it. I am very confused but also very grateful to be able to explore a part of myself which I have always kept hidden as something inexplicable and unnatural. I feel like I am on a journey to find out more about myself which is quite exciting but also scary if you know what I mean. I am starting to feel liberated by contact with all of you here which is amazing. x

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