Inexplicable Unknowing

[Charco]

So I am a 17 year old guy. My first few years of life I wasn't attracted to anyone because I didn't hit puberty yet. My first girlfriend was when I was around middle school age. Me and her just mainly talked and sat on an abandoned porch step, I hugged her once but beyond that we did nothing. I guess it was weird at the time to not want to kiss your girlfriend but when I reflected on it I just assumed it was out of shyness. Two years later or so I had my next and she was a very touchy person. When I went over her house the first day she wanted me to kiss her and of course I had no knowledge of how but we stayed at it and I was taught in a way. This is where I start getting more confused because I felt sort of wrong about kissing but it was exciting because it was a new experience and it gave me a sort of heightened nervousness (for lack of a better explanation). However we broke up pretty soon. Though within the month I asked out this one girl because I knew she liked me and I'd figured it would work out. I wasn't really attracted to her, not that she was ugly, I just mainly dated her because I guess it would make her happy. I kissed her though and I enjoyed it but something still didn't sit right with me and I broke up with her. Then I didn't date anyone for years until in Sophomore year I started talking to this girl who I thought was really interesting and I thought it was cool to hang out with her. She wanted to kiss so I did but there was less enjoyment. I more so felt like I wanted to be with her because we shared a lot of interests and I thought she was a cool person. I was also very unhappy at the time and she made me happier. I've been pretty much a lonely kid until late into middle school. (friendship wise) Drama ensued though and it's really hard to explain because it was just silly high school drama. Yet I didn't date anyway till 2 years later (a few months ago). I had opportunities but I wasn't interested as much in the sexual side as in the aesthetic and mental. I think it's cool when people in general dress certain ways and like the same bands I do yet that applies for both male and female (or any gender identity). That's friendship though but I confused wanting to be friends and hanging out with someone with wanting to date them. I've always hated sex scenes in movies and find them pointless in a lot of ways but because I want to major in art and I really like art currently, I do enjoy studying the figure and drawing it. If someone is nude in a scene I don't find it sexually attractive I'm more interested in the anatomy. My last girlfriend was someone I talked to a lot last year and she was a year ahead of me. She was interested in a lot of the same things and I helped give her advice on her break up but never asked her out because I thought it would be rude. Then we started talking again and because I really wanted to hang out with her I did and just being with her made me happy. We kissed a lot but this time I didn't really feel anything. She enjoyed it but it was more like while it was happening I was biding time. I wasn't in the moment I was more like analyzing it. However I still liked hanging out with her and the next day I was over her house and she kept asking if we'd ever have sex and she was really worried I didn't find her attractive so I reassured her I did but I think I only really liked the verbal and physical closeness. Yet she broke up with me because of things she was afraid of hurting me yet I kept trying to get her back, I guess I just felt lonely because I never really have anyone new to hangout with or get my mind off stress and sadness. I'm pretty confused now because I haven't even been hugging people lately, it's like I don't like contact but I still like a closeness of knowing someone is with me 100% in a mental way where we both are talking and acknowledging we exist. However that feeling doesn't last too long either because sometimes I feel really calm when I'm just alone by myself reading or doing dishes. I do like having guy friends and talking the same way I do with a girl but with girls it's more like it feels like it makes more sense to seek that closeness from them. I might just be over-thinking a lot of things but having asexual friends and realizing that most people I've felt like I should be with the most are people whose interest mirrors mine really makes me question my sexuality. Also with porn I don't have a real need to watch it and when I do it's not satisfying. I'll look it up though every couple weeks because there is a certain rush of doing something you shouldn't because society makes porn seem unacceptable. Yet watching it feels so impersonal and I don't see it's usefulness to me.

Sorry for that giant block of text, I am just not sure what I am or where I fit in, in that sense. You'll are a lot more knowledgeable than I am about this so I felt like this was a good place to look. Thank you.

[chromanebula]

Hi and welcome to AVEN!

[FoxEars]

You've definitely come to the right place. Whether or not you ultimately decide that any sort of asexuality fits you, there are lots of people here who have very similar experiences to you, so that should help you feel at ease regardless of what happens. To me it sounds like you might be some sort of grey-romantic asexual? Obviously this is just my opinion based off a single forum post and only you can know what type of asexual (if any) you are, but try looking around the forums for grey-romantic asexuals and see if they strike you as 'your peoples' :P But keep in mind that you can be 'generally asexual' (without deciding on a specific type) for as long as you need, of course, if you feel that the label suits you. Don't feel any pressure to pick a category just yet -- unless you stumble across one you feel is a perfect fit.

You are more than welcome to privately message me at any time for additional guidance or just to let off steam. I'm still figuring things out myself, but I've got a few days' head start on you, so I'd like to be of assistance as much as you need.

(Also, I'm very sorry for your thusfar-shitty experiences in the heterosexual world. A lot of that stuff rang very true with me, but know that once you start figuring things out, it will go a long way towards making things seem a lot better.)

Good luck, whatever happens ^_^

^ FoxEars ^

[Charco]

Hi and welcome to AVEN!

Thanks Chrome!

You've definitely come to the right place. Whether or not you ultimately decide that any sort of asexuality fits you, there are lots of people here who have very similar experiences to you, so that should help you feel at ease regardless of what happens. To me it sounds like you might be some sort of grey-romantic asexual? Obviously this is just my opinion based off a single forum post and only you can know what type of asexual (if any) you are, but try looking around the forums for grey-romantic asexuals and see if they strike you as 'your peoples' :P But keep in mind that you can be 'generally asexual' (without deciding on a specific type) for as long as you need, of course, if you feel that the label suits you. Don't feel any pressure to pick a category just yet -- unless you stumble across one you feel is a perfect fit.

You are more than welcome to privately message me at any time for additional guidance or just to let off steam. I'm still figuring things out myself, but I've got a few days' head start on you, so I'd like to be of assistance as much as you need.

Good luck, whatever happens ^_^

^ FoxEars ^

Thanks Fox, I'll look into those and see if it makes sense. I just haven't thought of this issue deeply enough yet so I think over the next -however long it takes I'm going to try to. Thanks again for your help mate.

[Caehlim]

Honestly it can be confusing telling all the different parts of attraction apart, especially since in our culture I don't find that we're encouraged much to view different forms of attraction as being separate.

Firstly no one can tell you what your orientation is for you, it's an internal thing that only really you can judge. Don't be too worried about finding a precise label, it can take time and sometimes along the way you can even end up identifying with the wrong label for a while. Ultimately though, none of that matters, just live true to yourself and what you're feeling. If labels help you, use them, if not then don't worry. That said I'll try to offer some suggestions and information that might be useful to the situation you describe.

Getting that sort of mental intimate connection of talking to someone and really relating with them is amazing. I love moments like that. Personally I've always found them feeling more meaningful and right when it's with another guy, for me personally it seems to be at least a little related to being romantically attracted to guys. For you it sounds like it's more focused towards women, so it's possibly that if you're anything like me, you feel more of a romantic attraction or connection to women.

The important thing to recognize is that although our culture tends to view them as the same, romantic and sexual attraction can be different. Desiring a love-based connection with a person can happen without feeling any sexual desire. If you only desire love-based connections and don't desire sexual ones then that's being a romantic asexual.

[Naosuu]

Moving this thread from The Gray Area to Asexual Q&A.

Naosuu, The Gray Area Moderator