Hyperromanticism: Trying to Fill the Sexual-Attraction-Shaped Hole?

[FoxEars]

Are there any other asexual people out there who find that they're sort of ... hyperromantic? While I'm not the most socially-inclined person and relationships honestly aren't the most important thing to me, once I get attached to someone I get ridiculously attached ridiculously quickly, to the point where it's often really difficult and exhausting to curb any displays of my attachment enough to not scare them away. (And I don't even always succeed at that.) I mean this in a platonic as well as romantic sense. I get horrible 'friend crushes' all the time. Even if I don't particularly like someone much, I often find myself desperately wanting us to be close so I can make him / her happy. This is even though I'm naturally very introverted and it's more than hard enough for me to manage a very small, close social circle. Coming from me, this would probably sound really weird to most people who know me, as I'm in the habit of concealing it, but I often get the impression that I'm generally way more affectionate than most other people are. And I guess I was wondering if it's possible that I somehow feel 'extra' platonic and / or romantic attraction to people instead of sexual attraction?

Obviously I know there are aromantic asexuals and all sorts of grey-romantics and such; in other words, I understand that this doesn't always have to be the case at all. I was just wondering if anyone else had experienced anything similar, or had any thoughts on the matter ...?

^ FoxEars ^

[Archon]

I am aromantic so I don't get hyperromantic or anything like that, BUT I do find that I am more devoted to friendships than most people are. I'm sure it's possible that I feel platonic connections more strongly than others do because I don't have any sexual (or romantic) relationships to think about, but I'm sure there are sexual and romantic people who feel friendship very strongly too.

I prefer to think of sexual attraction, not as a fundamental thing that some of us lack, but as an extra thing that other people happen to have. So, I wouldn't say there is a sexual-attraction-shaped hole, rather it just so happens that aces don't have the add-on sexual-attraction hat. There isn't really anything missing in us.

[FoxEars]

Of course I didn't mean to suggest that the intensity of one's affections for others is influenced by any one factor, be it (a)sexuality or anything else; just that I'd noticed a pattern there, and that (a)sexuality might be a potential contributor.

That's actually a really great point, about asexuality being the absence-of-something-extra rather than the absence-of-something. Also I love the term 'sexual-attraction hat' so much I can't even tell you. ^_^

^ FoxEars ^

[Starbogen]

I'm not like this... I'm kinda the opposite but without being aromantic, it's hard for me to really get attached to people in that way and it takes a long time if it even happens at all. But something that makes me more inclined to form a conection with someone is knowing that they want to be close to me, so I think I need to find someone who's like you ^_^

[Fire & Rain]

I'm romance repulsed with zero desire for romantic relationships. I've never had romantic crushes. So I'm the complete opposite but this is an interesting topic so I might just lurk around :P

[AlwaysBeKorra]

This is really interesting :) I have maybe 5 very close friends that I love very much, platonically. I have never had a crush, though, but I fantasize about having crushes on (imaginary) guys all the time! I think that's how I "get by", and I actually like it that way, having "imaginary relationships", haha ;)

[binary suns]

Of course I didn't mean to suggest that the intensity of one's affections for others is influenced by any one factor, be it (a)sexuality or anything else; just that I'd noticed a pattern there, and that (a)sexuality might be a potential contributor.

That's actually a really great point, about asexuality being the absence-of-something-extra rather than the absence-of-something. Also I love the term 'sexual-attraction hat' so much I can't even tell you. ^_^

^ FoxEars ^

I think it makes sense that some people do experience it, but yeah I think it is not affected by orientation and does not affect orientation.

that being said, I'm sure certain orientations do not always mesh well with other aspects of our personality. Who we are is not strictly defined by our orientation, it is only part of the picture of "us" :)

[Jetyl]

I'm definitely a hyper-romantic. honestly, I worry that its just part of my dependency issues, but there is a part of my brain specifically sectioned off to obsess over relationships. it honestly kind of hurts, since my actual luck in romantic endeavors is basically nil.

it and cuddling are two parts of my life that feel missing, and I feel trapped on occasion, not being able to do anything about it. I presume sexual frustration works in a similar way for those who experience it.

[Guest]

Rings a major bell for me, yep. Seeing as I'm also romance-repulsed, though, I'm pretty damn glad that SSRI medication just about switched romance completely off for me... but before the meds, I definitely was hair-trigger hyperromantic - crushing on female friends and acquaintances was far more the general rule than an exception... even though I absolutely loathed these feelings every time I ended up with them. -_-

I think your theory of "compensating" lack of sexual impulses with increased romantic ones is an interesting idea. I need to think a bit more about that.

[FoxEars]

Okay, so in retrospect, it's sort of occurred to me that this was my way of beginning to sort out a romantic identity that I now believe to be some weird variation of quoiromantic. At least, that's the closest I seem to be able to get to it ...

^ FoxEars ^

[Betty Badinbed]

I've had a few bizarre experiences where I fall madly in love with someone for just one day. It's truly weird.

Quite often it's not someone I'd previously crushed on... it's like, I encounter a person, or spend time with someone I previously didn't know well, then I fall for them on that day. The following day,I will be obsessing about said person from the moment I wake until the moment I sleep. The day after that, the feeling is rapidly fading, and a week later is just a nice memory.

It's as though my psyche knows it is unsustainable, but allows me a short burst of intensity, along with the joy/pain/hopelessness.... then takes it away, to protect me and allow me to get back to normal life.

Hasn't happened for a while though. Am kinda glad a certain person has recently left my workplace, because it was in danger of happening there, and that would feel ultra awkward for me, on that day and afterwards.

[Awesomer3]

This I think actually seems to be the same for me! Like sometimes I'll meet someone who I think is really interesting and then suddenly I'm spending most of the time obsessing over them and wanting to like go out of my way to do stuff for them or make them happy or whatever. And like honestly sometimes I step back and have to think about whether me being like this is more than most people would be. There's actually a friend I have right now at my college, and a different friend of mine actually asked me out of the blue if I was obsessed with him since it seemed like I kept showing up to give him candy and was mentioning him a lot. I asked my best friend and someone else if they thought I was obsessed and they said no, but honestly I think they could be wrong ^^; Guess the hyperromanticism is affecting me a lot right now lol.

[KendraPM]

Hmmm, it is something to think about. And the logic behind it makes sense. However, I don't really experience that. I'm just...typically romantic....I am the last one to fall in love, but that could be a mental thing. Holding back that last step until I'm sure my partner is there. I don't think I become obbessed. Although, now that you mentioned it, the first guy I dated after a bit of a dry spell (intentional dry spell, I was moving across the country and stopped dating the moment I realized I was moving) I came on a little strong. I blamed it on being rusty and the craziness a crush can bring on, but it might be that I've held myself back during most relationships and sort of "forgot" too with him. Not positive, but it is something to think about.

[ponz]

It sounds like codependency to me; losing yourself in the relationships, especially the chemically enhanced fantasy parts (which is the infatuation and fluff).

Also, the only self defined hyperromantic I've met is sexual. I don't think hyperromanticism is an attempt to fill the sexual void, but an attempt to fill self esteem and self love voids within yourself.

[FoxEars]

It sounds like codependency to me; losing yourself in the relationships, especially the chemically enhanced fantasy parts (which is the infatuation and fluff).

An interesting point, that. I couldn't say it's codependency really, although you may well be onto something there. Codependency would entail me seeking validation or something similar from the other person involved, which I absolutely don't. In fact, a display of anything more than utter indifference toward me usually sends me running in the other direction.

Also, at least in my case, I definitely don't 'lose myself' in the relationships. They don't particularly have any impact on aspects of my life that don't involve the object of my affection, for example. It's really only in direct interaction with them that this comes up as an issue at all.

Also, the only self defined hyperromantic I've met is sexual. I don't think hyperromanticism is an attempt to fill the sexual void, but an attempt to fill self esteem and self love voids within yourself.

For sure, I never meant to suggest that asexuality necessarily spawns hyperromanticism or that it's the only thing that can do so. So, your assessment may well be true of some, perhaps many, hyperromantics; in my case it doesn't seem to apply, but in general it sounds likely enough.

^ FoxEars ^

[Guest]

Are there any other asexual people out there who find that they're sort of ... hyperromantic? While I'm not the most socially-inclined person and relationships honestly aren't the most important thing to me, once I get attached to someone I get ridiculously attached ridiculously quickly, to the point where it's often really difficult and exhausting to curb any displays of my attachment enough to not scare them away. (And I don't even always succeed at that.) I mean this in a platonic as well as romantic sense. I get horrible 'friend crushes' all the time. Even if I don't particularly like someone much, I often find myself desperately wanting us to be close so I can make him / her happy. This is even though I'm naturally very introverted and it's more than hard enough for me to manage a very small, close social circle. Coming from me, this would probably sound really weird to most people who know me, as I'm in the habit of concealing it, but I often get the impression that I'm generally way more affectionate than most other people are. And I guess I was wondering if it's possible that I somehow feel 'extra' platonic and / or romantic attraction to people instead of sexual attraction?

Obviously I know there are aromantic asexuals and all sorts of grey-romantics and such; in other words, I understand that this doesn't always have to be the case at all. I was just wondering if anyone else had experienced anything similar, or had any thoughts on the matter ...?

^ FoxEars ^

I tell my friends that I adore them all the time. They mean the world to me even as just friends. I am a hyper romantic/ fluffy